Have realised that blog is a website full of nonsensical crap. I mean, have already realised sad fact long ago but only decided to bring up said fact now. It is perhaps cause the year is ending and blog is getting one year older. Another year has passed and what have I done. I do not want to go anywhere because of fear of the human population sometimes and what they are hiding behind smiles. And do not like facebook,because feels that it does not connect self to the rest of the world because am not included /tagged in many many photos posted on facebook. Perhaps have been evil lazy bad human being thus in pathetic state now. And I dont want to give a shit about olevels anymore. This year it was easy next year it is going to be hard. And the next year, easy again. See. Unlucky batch of teenagers who work their asses of and parents who spend thousands of dollars on pointless tuition. Back in 2007 psle was difficult as well, didnt complete math and science papers. Also another thing to worry about is my abnormal development period has not come for three months already. May very well be bisexual or have stomach cancer. And had very weird dream last night. Dreamt that went to buy hamsters and sister bought cockroaches instead. Sister put cockroaches into hamster container and studies them carefully. Totally disgusting. Then went to aunts house which was big and grand and did not have a toilet. Finally discovered one disguised as the osim 天王椅 had to sit in pee and poo as got stuck in chair like toilet. Wonder what dream means. Anyway saw many fashionably dressed people in the malls which caught my attention. Therefore want to wear my pajamas with socks and slippers and not give a shit. But obviously am unable to pull that off in society that judges based on appearance. Am lonely nowadays. Feel like zou jieming in the nine oclock po tian wang. Except that I do not have a xiaoying best friend. Am truly alone in this world. Should probably not talk in self pitying way but this is blog so should probably be given right to say what I think I want to say. Okay finally. Have flu and a nose that runs. Must confess that I have a disgusting habit because whenever I have a flu I will wear these particular t shirts I hate (because it is from this organisation that judges/discriminates) and I will blow nose on them, also saving water/tissue paper at the same time. Shall write new years resolutions. And new years hopes and wishes. Shit. Dont know why I bother anyway. Ogay bye.
晴天　雨天　星期天
没有你的每一天
我把走过的路都走一遍
任狂风　吹乱从前
这是我最放纵的思念
想象你从没离开过我身边
那誓言　
回荡耳边　
我非常非常的想你
想你大声的笑
想你吃东西的样子
想你大大的鞋子
我们有过的相遇
和每一场别离
我发誓从来未曾忘记
今天　明天　离别天
数不清过了多少天
记忆是最美的诗篇
每一句
苦涩甘甜　
I feel so sad now. Found this sad sad words have decided to post it hope you will talk to me soonz and not be like who the fuck do you think you are why should I talk you

Injustice

Today I went to junctions 8 comics connection after math remedial with sharlene and congying where we got treated like shit by the saleswoman there. Really she treated us shit, which is worse than pretending that we are invisible. Okay so we were looking at the things right, then congying took a picture of the thing she wanted to buy for her friend. So the shopkeeper came and told her to stop taking. Ok so she did. Then I was telling sharlene that there were too many korean band then like sucking our money like that . Then the woman fucking said 你们可以出去等的HOR. I mean like what the fuck right how can she got the right to chase us out of the shop. Like if I go popular and give constructive criticism on books should I be chased out too? So we were discussing like we should say so I cannot take photo of your products take photo of you can. Put on mass media. No I not talking to you I talking to the shelf can. And we should seriously buy all the korean stuff and pose with it and take photos with a DSLR. I buy already pay already I like take how many photos I will take. WITH MY DSLR.

How much does a fucking bus ride from pasir ris to yishun cost. I am student lah! The stupid bus driver says its SEVENTY FIVE CENTS. What the hell lah! :-( okay nevermind since sbs has been really nice to me last time, that time I didnt have credit in my card (credit card!) And no money in my wallet, so I just told that piece of fact sadly to the bus driver and he let me sit bus for free. Okay. I am lucky and blessed.

Today I was walking on the road. Then I started to thinking, man on foot and man in car tread the same surface. Then I felt nice cause I was able to walk upon such hard sturdy surface just like a car. Okay anyway I must talk about today. Update about my life in case of rare cases of interested parties. So today I had a tuition lesso which requires me to drag my tender ass to the house of teacher. However I was with two people drawing for lifegroup at about 11am plus. So draw draw draw until 1pm and had to rush to blardy lesson. But havent draw finish. So I smsed the teacher politely, hey sorry teacher can my friend wait in your house later when I have lesson. Then the teacher replied, sorry not tdy. I hv visitor. Living room will be occupied. (What visitor, king kong ah) can she wait 4 u at somewhere else? So I became very sad, because how can I leave my friend alone with the project things? So I tried asking again, she really cannot come in? Then the reply scolded me lah. I hv visitor! Can you understand that this is not a public place and you cannot bring in anyone as you wish! (Like I am bringing in a barbarian or something) if you cant bear to leave yourfriend behind, then cancel lesson! Since your friend is more important than lesson ( note the sarcasm glaring blindingly from the words ) what the hell. Like I have committed a terrible, heinous crime! So I apologised in order to make peace. Okay sorry I am reaching soon. I says. Then I reached 15minutes late cause my speed was affected by inhuman accusations. Perhaps this is the storm before the rainbow. Thinks I naively. Perhaps something great will happen soon. However that was not the case. Your mother thinks you have an attitude problem and wants to cancel your lesson. Says she, breaking the heartbreaking news to me. I was very sad and angry and sorrowful that my life turned out this way. And did I mention that I saw no visitors. No one. None. And I resisted the surging wave of desperation to say, is your visitor too shy to reveal himself/herself or is he wearing the invisibility cloak. Or too microscopic to be seen by the naked eye. Are you hiding a fugitive!
She has made it seem like I am delibrately making things difficult for me. But I did not. Why in the flying fuck. Why.

sardines

Hi. I just found out that cooked fish has a special name for it. Its called sardine. I am amazed at myself for this great discovery. Next I must discover the name for cooked chicken. Or I can invent it. Kay bye.

today is the saddest day of the saddest year on my entire life.
*i know no one gives a shit but this is for my own reference can?*(quote)
yea anyway i want nice fresh foods form cold storage.
its from the fresh food people.
i want to be just like them.
i feel like i am not in my own skin.
i have awkward incidences when going out which is very sad.
i must cease all going out activities at once and retreat to the safe haven of my space.
and theres this very nice teddy bear crayon on the fram of the wall in the house. i think it has been there for like 10 years already.
i like old things. they are like historical artefacts. it has rich culture and is highly valued.
i think i am thinking in pieces. like the thought are unrelated one. like one minute i think of cold storage then the next i think of a book i want to read. or like, why is uncooked fish called fish and cooked fish still called fish but uncooked pig is called pig and cooked pig is pork. idk why, like idk everything else. probably doesnt have an answer hor.
oh yes. i did something very not nice a few days ago. i will record it down here so it might be referred to as a source next time.
a few days ago i was loitering by myself at bishan looking for nice things to spend money on because the money was putting a considerable weight on me. so i came across nice shops like gift a name, artbox, mini toons etc. decided to go into all the shops and finally decided to buy a leather strap with my sister's name on it as it was going to be her birthday on 13 dec. so i choose the beads for like 30 minutes, then choose the strap for like 10 min, choose the accesories to dangle from it for another 20 min. yes very long right. then the bill become until 22.90! which was like so super ridiculously skyrockethigh! so i ask the woman to take out one dangling accesory which was like 3.90. okay then the bill become 18.90 which is still like very very great and will leave me with no food for the next one week. so . but thats not the point so i told her o take out another accesory and she was like pissed. 'wei shen me ni xian zai cai jiang wo yi jing chuan cheng yi chuan hao le leh ' grumpy pissed off look. so i said okay okay bu yao jing lah sorry sorry, then she just stalked off and take it out. then i paid 14.40 in thed end but i said sorry and thankyou! and she never acknowledge it.
i can never go there again. she recognises me.
i can never show my face man.
i think it would be nice lah, if we can have different faces to wear on hor, then can see how people treat you when you got different face. then can see their true colours. true colours is good, its waterproof. and very very good quality.
i think i dream what i see. last night i was watching this japanese occupation show for 24 plus hours then i dreamt of some war-ry thing.
quite nice.
like if you know you is in dream then you can do anything you want! very cool right.
oh yeah then i watch the cai hua heng yi chu xin xiu show! they asked one of the contestants this question, who's secret do you want to know the most. then the guy said, my own secrets. because i dont know what i thinking of sometimes so if i know my own secrets then i can solve some problems (or something like that)
i doesnt understand his answer siahx. it doesnt make sense i think. i think he too nervous or something
but anyway after pondering about this question i think my answer is, i want to know russell lee's secrets the most!:)
i want to see how he looks like and how he write the ghost stories is it real one anot.
and.
i still cannot do math.
poor poor me.

I feel as if my teeth are going to drop off. :-( it is a sad dark lonely night and I have only books bed and walls for companion. Gosh poor me. What else is new? And as I sit and stone many many thoughts, invisible to the naked eye, are running through my mind. Should I go and bathe now? Once I heard a legend that if you bathe after midnight, like from 1am to 4am or something you will see things in the mirror. But its scary to bathe without sight. I am afraid to attempt this challenge. I am terribly frightened. Some people have also said that we should only wash our hair only once every two days because all the nutrients and vitamins will be washed off and hair fall condition will worsen. But it feels weird to not bathe for one whole day! And its freaky to stand alone in the toilet with the mirror open. What if once open the eyes see wrong thing is very heart attacky. Oh also if worry too much will have shorter life or something. Acherly is not a terrible thing, got one comprehension passage in the sec 3 eoy higher chinese paper says that all humans should die when they reach forty plus cause after part that age life will be meaningless cause we our worry about more worries. Wont it be good if we can dry wash ourselves? Last time got this place where everybody can bathe together also (have read about it in novels). Bathing is like a very important event! My mother is very cute today! I said she is selfish because she watched some hk drama without me ( no regrets or something, has been watching it for 25++ hours already however she is in sleep land now so I am left all alone, always alone. Yeah so she replied in my language! Haa she said I sell fish but alot people come and buy! Very cheap leh. You also got sell right! Hoho I think the drama makes her very very over the moon! And we have a common topic to discuss away happily. My grandmother also always discuss 爱with her friends! Will I discuss these with acquaintances in the near future? I want to have smart conversations. Hohos. Usually everything I say to some people will turn into some kind of argument. So I would practice both sides of arguments with myself in the safety of singularity. Yupyupyupp. Bye bye. I wish I can have voice to scream in my dream later on. And I dont want to be singular, solo alone anymore. I want to evolve to plural, duet, group, clique. Kay. Isnt it horrid to dwell on such conceited thoughts? Everyone should ponder about environmental issues global warming financial crisis? And do different basins and different taps produce different types of water? We all must constantly ponder over such daily problems to keep mentally active and challenged. It is a matter of urgency. I am sad.

I have a lot of shit in my eyes . Like after a bad dream or something the eyes will start to shit excessively. So today I has a bad dream and it started like this lah. (I remembered parts of it only) I wanted to go back to china and buy this very nice bookmark and bag and alot of stuff, so I took mrt to bugis cause in my dream bugis looks alot like china. Ok so I was there with my father and we were buying street food and eating happily. I think. But the place was quite dark and scary. Then go back to the hotel right. And then the scary part is the toilet is flooded and I wanted to shit. And the toilet is very close to each other so if I squat at one toilet my leg will sink into the other toilet. So I didnt get to shit in the end. Then I dont know why but I was kidnapped or something in the toilet, then I saw someone I know, and he asked me to shout(?) With my gums or teeth. So I used my tongue to point at my teeth. I dont know why the dreams doesnt make sense! But it was a very long dream like from eleven pm to ten pm. Then I started shouting in my sleep its very scary when you cannot shout for help cause you voice is lost due to shock. Then my mother came in (the real life mother) and ask me what happened so I just groaned and went back to sleep. The next part of the dream I went to a bread shop to look for a job because they put up a notice but when I asked then they told me to go away because they had another worker already(it was a about ten year old boy in rollerskates!) So I was very sad then I went to fast done restaurant to study thinking to choose kfc or macs. So I chose kfc, cause its cheaper and the chicken is very nice (why is cooked chicken still called chicken and cooked pig lamb cow called pork mutton beef?) poor chicken right it doesnt have a special name. But at kfc I saw someone I know, so I went to macs instead. And bu macs I bought a mc spicy which was in the form of a drumstick! And I asked for curry sauce but the packet was only a quarter filled and mixed with alot of water. And in the end I didnt study and just stoned there until I woke up(with as much shit in my eyes when I was born) I think.

My mother is very horrid. I do not like her anymore. She said I must do math/science homework first then I can go out. So I do-ed many homeworks. Its logarithms and trigonometry. Very super duper hard and difficult. However I still did it ok. Then I showed her. And she said. That one is last time do one. AS IF SHE EVEN SEE ME DO IT BEFORE. Each time I does my homework she is not even there. And yet she can talk like this! And she see the date on the foolscap, '30.11.10' wah that one call yesterday do ah. Says she. So I explains earnestly, no that one I did one question on 30.11.10, then I finished it yesterday. Then she say how I know? PROVE IT. What the shit lah! So I tells her, you need shi jian zheng ren is it, ask my tutor lah! Then she said something along the lines of I dont care I wont sign you up for tuition anymore. Dont talk to me like that blah blah. So I said kay I dont care you said if I do I can go out today so I am going out kay. Then she says, yeah dont talk to me ask me do anything for you ask me anything from now on I will treat you as invisible. Wow look now I got a free Invisibility Cloak. Blardy hell lah! Means I go change all the dates on my last time homework to '3.12.10' means I do alot of homework in one day lah! What the hack if keep going against me and finding fault with everything. Last time if my hair fall to the floor, like just one strand only she will scream her voicebox out at me. Therefore I will go sit it out somewhere far away as possible from her. She cant miss someone who is invisible to her right. Next time if she talks to me or acknowledges me I will say, hey you can see me meh has the grass turned blue and the sky purple. Yes that is what I will says.

And I hate it when people are nice. Like its only on the surface. Keep smiling. For what. I know you dont like me. Why bother pretending? Then I have to fake it too. Whassa point. Then ill feel guilty if I dont like you cause youre so nice to me. But I know you have to be nice to me. You have to like me. Is it? Because you are christian. You are a disciple of god. If you dont like me then how? And I dont like you then how? So we try. And try and try. But we know there will always be a part of us that can never fully accept each other. That sucks.

So much time passes and I dont know what to make of any of it. I dont know why I must stay at home everyday. Its not even a home. Its not like you enjoy my presence or what. When I go talk to you nicely what do you say. I dont want to talk to her. Or you need me more than I need you so I dont have to talk to you. Well. Fuck that. Pardon me if I dont give a shit. Its not like you even bother eating dinner with me. Or talking to me. Or even do anything with me. Why then were you so concerned for me when I went to china. Why buy me so many things I needed to use back then. Why give a shit back then when you obviously dont now. Am I out stealing. Am I out smoking. No. I am only out to stone alone because I cant in YOUR HOUSE or in YOUR PRESENCE. And you say I only come looking for you when I need money. Is that all you think of yourself? An atm machine? Even if I stay at home all day so what. You dont need me remember. So what if you save up like mad to bring me overseas. If the price I have to pay is have you hate me for eternity then I rather you dont spend such money on me for the rest of yours and my life. Seriously do whatever you want. Because I cant fight it, you are never going to understand. I am not going to care. My life stops here. I am sick of what I have to do ok. Yah correct work so hard for what. If youre going to die then you will die. If youre fugly prettifying yourself only makes people think youre a toad in swans skin or whatever. I once read in a book that this person's greatest fear is that god exists but doesnt care very much for humans. Yeah probably shouldnt say this as a christian but I feel that it is kind of true. Yeah not like I have been very faithful and everything. And theres so many people. God cant be everywhere. And even my mother hates me. So how can God love me. Kay hate then hate lah. I cant possibly hate myself less than you hate me. And another thing, staying at home is a waste of money only, even if I use the natural sunlight to see and the natural air to cool and dont bathe, I still need to shit right. And I need to flush the shit away. And I waste your electricity. Stop acting like you give a shit about me. I cant be happy and thankful that you cared about me so much when I was in china and now you simply brush me away like im some god of plague. What the fuck? You tell me I what wrong. You think I like to like this? You think I like to use your freaking money? Its like everytime I start to feel happy I start to fear and worry like mad that something terrible will happen. And sure enough, something tragic happens. After the sunshine comes the storm. Then i'd rather the storm forever right. Lastly. I know I am sinful and wicked. Eating all the nice food and wasting it when people in china/northkorea got no food to eat. Wasting alot of paper, water etc. Have no right to complain when I got food to eat water to drink and place to stay. And I dont know why those friends I talked to last time dont talk to me anymore. Have they finally realised the treacherous animal I am. Why dont they contact me anymore. I cant stand the defeaning silence. And I realise, if I stop talking to someone for a period of time, would he/she forget I exist? Would he/she remember the time spent with me. Like would he/she miss me and contact me again? Yah most probably not. So many people all over the world. Easily replacable.

popular auntie

well so today i was buying stuff at popular, and this really unpleasant shit thing happened. TO ME. somebody cutted my queue. and it is this auntie who is 63 plus plus. okay so she was shuffling towards the cashier yeah shuffling slowly so as she was like say 4 steps away from the last person in the queue i quickened my steps and got there first. so yes i was IN FRONT OF THE AUNTIE OKAY. yeah then she very narrow minded can queue also want to be first dunno for what like her last days on earth or something must be the first in everything. so she dumped her books on the counter and pushed them in front. push push push until the books in front of me. ( because i never put my things on the counter ) then i dont know why, but the blardy cashier had to go and ask the auntie. ' 是谁先来的。‘ yeah then the aunty went 我我我‘ mad ah must say until 3 times sia. and she was buying this book called 不要怀疑自己。because she is insecure of always being overtaken by others be it in terms of queue or weight or height or health or wealth or status i presume most accurately. i mean like what the fuck right? then i was damn pissed but yeah because i am very nice and wen wen er ya, i did not say anything and waited for the next cashier. BUT THE AUNTY IS SO WHAT LAH. she had to go tell her husband ( who is another grubby and wrinkled old human ) and have him use his popping out of socket eyes to stare at me. so i stare back lah. see who stare longer want. kay so i won the staring game because they left after being blinded by my glorious beauty. yeah and thinking back i should have told the cashier 我们一起来的。这是我的ahma. 我们要一起付。then when she denies all i will say 对不起她的老人痴呆症又发作了. haha. yah seriously. old so what got law say old people got everything reserved for them meh. what the shit. i go put some white hair and use a walking stick too. and what i got wrong meh who ask her walk so slow. the shop her one is it. then next time go shopping use roller skates lah can. sorry lah maybe i also a bit bad go walk in front of her. but still. WHAT BENEFIT DOES BEING FIRST IN THE QUEUE BRING. not like i buying alot of things also right. i am just buying a piece of paper and a pen. seriously this is shit. old so what. old very dua pai is it. fuck. and today i was with xiaoyou on the train, then when we want to alight. the people must push push push some more. like outside the station got someone giving out money or something. then xiaoyou was like, why must she push. so i was like, oh because she auntie.
its like like that also want to be first. got trophy is it.
what is their problem man. next time if i encounter such stuff i will talk alot of things back dont care if people stomp me as ugly singaporean. you also very ugly lah like to take other people ugly side you very beautiful meh.
but.
i will remain 高贵大方 温文尔雅。 REGARDLESS OF RACE LANGUAGE OR RELIGION. OR AGE. OR WEIGHT. OR HEIGHT.
I DONT LIKE STOMP. like its good to post some interesting or important stuff right. but got some people hor. post teenagers kissing on public transport. what about adults. you mean its okay for adults to kiss and grope in public meh. then hat about if got old people kissing. then what? glorify their everlasting true love on stomp? why old people never got stomped. and why cant they stomp nice things. like people giving up their seats on public transport. or people giving in to the elderly's unreasonable demand to cut queue.
kay bye.

sad and empty and doomed

oh hey. the number of this post is the same as my psle score.
and today is the open house of saint nicks.

been avery weird lately as always. oh yeah just that its weirded now kay\
kay so i had this dream two nights in a row. in nanjing.
someone tried to kill me.
like first i was in the mrt with my friend then she left then i went to a roadside. and theres this man. then he stalked me. so i knew lah then i went to ntuc to buy a knife to kill him. then. i told the cashier theres a man trying to kill me then she didnt believe me cause her badge says shes only 14 years old. kay then i cannot remember anymore. then the next night. i dreamt of this teacher whos the form teacher of the classs we are attached to in nanjing. yeah he is this evil mastermind who has an office under the sea. and he is plotting to kill us lah. and he wont let us into any of the classes and he wont give us toilets to use and so we went to hide under the sea only to discover that he works there. but he couldnt see us. then i told the others but no one believes me again. and dream ends here.
yeah so another dream i had last night. i was in nanjing again. the carrefour place because i wanted to buy more pocky and jay chou milk tea. yeah. then i couldnt find the shelves so didnt buy much? then i risked my life crossing the road back to the hotel. then i dreamt that everyone at the trip had husbands, and we were eating dinner in the pool. then got one girl her chicken rice got flooded by the pool water. yuck. what the shit is wrong with my dreams. i think like its because i havent got my period for like 3 months. urghhhhh.
so how
and theres still the nenjing project to do lah. shit.
and what has i been doing.
and i feel very weirded. like i am not in my own skin.
or like i am not in my own world. why cant the world like faster finish?
then everybody will die equally.
then math will be pointless :)
and now its like my thoughts dont belong to me.
because why?
i think i think wrong.
okay bye maybe i will can type properly later.
and think correctly.
how am i going to do that.
i am going to read many peoples writings.
yeah theres this blog which has 'whip-smart dialougues and keen observations on mordern life' and it shines a hilarious and heartbreaking light over what i am feeling now.
soul-lifting, yes?
thats why it is stalk-worthy
now i will devote and dedicate my life into stalking this particular blog and its owner.
urrgh kay sorry im weird

i am but a sack of shit

you made me feel special and then you disappeared

We are trying so hard to pass the freaking exams. see some people study the book for one hour and they know the whole book. i study the same book for three hours and i know fifty percent. i just want to get decent marks get into a decent school get a decent job and enjoy my life. is that too much to ask?
the school system does not care about us at all.
i am going to die next year. should i plan my death. i want it to be nice and dramatic.
bye.

where did all that love go?
why cant i? like however hard i try i just cannot.
did i screw my life up or got other people contribute to the screwing.
no lah its a vicious cycle. i can never break out of it.
doesnt anyone love me?

I AM NOT RETAINING. thank you to all the people in the world who has helped me to not retain. thankyou thankyou thankyou. (:
i will not be likethis anymore.
anyway. i feel stoned. stony. like i am in bubbleland. where everything does not make sense. like i dont know what is 1 plus 1 anymore. but it is okay. my brain is on mc. so i cannot operate. i cannot function. i can only stone.
oh i read this thing.

" God is nowhere God is now here. "
lately i have been thinking of many many weird things and talking to myself in excess. like i read these weird quotes like. nothing is forever. everything is temporary or something like that. then i say. so 1 plus 1 isnt going to be 2 anymore? am i not going to be female when i grow up? is black going to be called white? and stuff like that. then the weird question like what is love? and a hk drama said it love is caused by a chemical. if the chemical is in excess each person will feel sweaty and pulse will race. it is like there is a scientific explanation for everything. and i fail science so i can never understand anything. well so. what else am i going to fail next year? this is shit. should i go inject a smart chemical thingy into my brain? i need to shut up and stop talking to myself. sometimes i pretend to be talking to the phone when i am talking to myself so i wont seem like a complete mad freak. in school uniform. in ij uniform. so anyway i am currently thinking of another weird question. like you need to step out of your comfort zone to do great things. why? how can i do great htings when i am uncomfortable? iu would be very very sad and pissed even as i am doing the great thing. is that a good thing? is that a great thing? and if everybody is uncomforetable and doing things differently then how? as a book said, imagine a world populated by beack seat drivers, a planet where everybody knew the answer to everything and were everybody was out to use their new genius to grab more for themselves. Everybody would find secret shortcuts ti get home from the office, thus clogging all the streets. At the grocers, newly minted food experts would select only the finest and freshest fruits and cuts of meat, placing undue strain on the food industry. Eveybody would invest cleverly in the stock market, but because everybody would make millions, all the world's currencies would collapse, and banking would come to an end.
the end.
but i dont know what i just typed, but as a lit teacher once said, youre throwing in quotes just to make yourself look good. yes good. do i look good? thats all that matters. because people notice me when i look good. and that is good.
my geog teacher wrote on my exam paper, please work on your handwriting. very uncomfortable. so can i tell her, 'you need to step out of your comfort zone'? can i?
and i do not have to because messy handwriting is not my comfort zone. i do not feel comfortable writing messily. therefore i am in an uncomfortable zone. have i done a great thing?
i dont understand. i dont understand why i dont understand. i dont understand why you understand. do you understand why i dont understand? do you understand? is there a scientific explanation?

The debris and ruins of the descendants of my heart are taken on an endless traumatizing roller coaster ride

I feel as if I have won a lottery of a million dollars then allowing me to bask in that life-changing happiness for a few days. Then after that. You tell me I am in debt of a million dollars. How does it feel. You take it all away at once. I was dying of happiness and now I am alive with sorrow. I wrote a four page long letter with no paragraphing for someone who is never going to read it. It is written in disgusting english. Words of a lost language. I dont think its comprehendable If the person ever reads it he/she will see me for the mad obsessed perverted twisted freak I am. I dont understand the human heart. Only pain makes it grow stronger. Only sorrow makes it kind. Contentment makes It wither and joy seems to build walls around it. The heart is perverse and it is cruel. I hate the heart and it seems to hate me. When will it stop beating for me? There was this one short moment when I felt appreciated/loved. Then the next moment or like forever for the rest of my life. Its over. And I am completely alone. But still. The promises made were true at the point in time doesnt mean its true now. I get this really intense alone feeling. Why. It is an unsolved mystery. I have no more thoughts. I am mad. I have lost my mind. I am completely different. And I am sorry you know? I am very sorry. Please dont hate me. I am in a state of stonation. Irrational. Abnormal. Mutant. Deviant. Tribulated. This is free writing. Cant stop talking. I look at life differently. I do not look at it from a human being's point of view. Can I change? And if I do change will I be accepted? Will you accept me? Do you believe me? Will you understand me?

When does the pain go away? Like what. Youre supposed to instantly turn off all your emotions just because someones says its over? I am this totally depressed person, with a heart so broken it hurts every time I breathe. My heart. My heart will always be broken. Why? Because I cant. I just cant.

you're really good at pretending I dont exist

Hahr harh. Lol theres this super funny thing in some tuition advertisment. Its called the royal flush. Its like a resolution or something.
Haha read it and be motivated! My Resolve
Procrastination is a sin led by sloth. If only I had started studying earlier, perhaps I could have gotten more than just a B. I will start studying and stop procrastinating by _(dd/mm).
Shall I fail to do as the above mentioned, may I be cursed by one or more of the following options.
a) Gain 10kg and wallow in my fats.
b) Gain an additional 50 unglam pics on facebook.
c) Be blessed with plentiful smiles from members of the same gender.
d) Be caught digging my more and smelling my armpits and posted on youtube.
e) Smile to girl/guy of my dreams, without realizing there's kangkong between my teeth.
f) Others : please specify
g) All of the above.
Please circle your choice(s)
Agreed by (name) (NRIC) (Signature)
I sincerely hope and look forward to my friend (above) receiving the above fate(s) if he/she procrastinates on his/her studies.
Witness: (name) (NRIC) (Signature)
Haha lol. This is veh funny. And I am like going to fail eoys and get retained. What a terrible fate awaits me! Then I will lose everything I ever wanted. What shit lah, all the papers are like the hardest in st nicks history lor. I will be the best failure manzx. I will see my handphone number when I stand on the weighing scale haha.

Today is like the worst day of my life lah it is one tragedy after another kay like so there was the stupid train which make me die of fright almost which then made me so freaked that I cannot do the chinese paper properly yeah so I failed lah then I went to like the library to mug the chem which still never make sense to me then I go to the hougang station to buy bubble tea. Yes then I got scolded by the bubble tea maker lah. Stupid lah she is giving a terrible end to my tragic day kay. So I buy the bubble tea right. Then she make. And she ask. Ni de cha yao fang zhen zhu mah. Ok so I said yes. Then like 3 seconds later I ask, ru guo fang pearl yao jia qian mah. Then fuck she said yao jia san mao. Ni yao fang ma. So I said ke shi ni fang le. Then she said ni zai jiang shen me zhe ge shi ying jing you de ni yao jia ma. Then I said bu yao bu yao. Walao eh then she scold me eh ni bu yao lang fei wo de shi jian hor. Then everybody was like staring at me like I am being a difficult customer or what leh. Fuck this manzx is this my fault anot. Is the bubble maker dont know how talk properly right. Where got my fault. Really leh. Its not like I dont want pay or never pay rights. Stupid bubble makers

Oh my. I almost died in the train today. :-( it is a very important day in the history of my life on the face of this planet.

Today the sickening physics teacher said " ok I've given you the answers. You can check it out at home. " words of wisdom man. What she means is " dont come for my physics classes ah. Go memorize answer sheets." this is verbal irony manzx. She has just wasted our time at the tuition centre doing stupid mcqs and not going through the questions. I have tons of papers at home with all the answers and no solutions. What is the use of her manzx. Ok as I am typing this in the toilet she is standing beside me wtf. And she says to the other teacher " they should reduce our hours....its very disturbing" see how slacky she is. Ok I am never using the same toilet as her I am sure her excrement is as black as her heart her brain and the rest of her. I would not be surprised if she dies of heatstroke because every part of her is so black that she absorbs all the heat from the face of this planet and the equator there is no need for air conditioning wherever she goes man. She can really greatly reduce the effects of global warming see she is good for something after all

every night i wake up and i am terrified for no reason, no reason whatsoever.

I dont know why the tuition centre has such shitty physics teachers that destroy students lives. She is not responsible at all. Like saying she is shitty is a big fat understatement already okay. So what if she can teach jc level. Is that a fucking big deal. Just because we dont pay as much. Just because we are the poverty ridden people. She can refuse to answer our questions? Why is the education system like that right. Is not like I never pay tuition fees. Isnt it like since we are willing to learn she should teach us. So I take my schools physics paper and asked her just one fucking mcq question. She said. Thats your school work right. FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. Fuck you seriously. Is it so hard to teach me one question. Why wont you let me pass one physics test right. It is like she is doing me a great big favour by telling me to go home and self study and be an independent individual. So apparently havent I blew all the stupid money for this. For the very high qualification teacher to scold and criticize us for our laziness
when she is the lazy and fucked up shit herself. Isnt that fucking ironic hahaha. Why do I need her. Why. I am being condemned to the lowest form of life begging her to save me with her brilliant knowledge. If I fail that is my problem because she has already taught what she has to. What the heck. Look at the shit that is posted on the wall of the centre and I quote. 'Teaching is a vocation. We impart knowledge in the best possible way to help the students. We do not want to cheat students of their fees and time here.' HOW TRUE. How can they glorify such shitty teachers? Okay maybe she isnt obliged to teach me school stuff because its not in the centre's syllabus. But how come she is allowed to excuse herself from class to see a doctor for her 'rash' as she claims. Without giving us a replacement lesson. And you know whats her policy? You dont come for extra lesson you dont get the worksheet. Like it will kill her to donate us a few pieces of a4 paper. How can such human beings exist as teachers who are responsible for educating the future generation. I need to know why before I can pass physics

If I am going to be a failure. I am going to be the best failure there is. How badly am I going to die, that is the question. With only a few days left and not understanding nuts about maths, I should really start considering a career without math or like go and die. Or waste a year of my life relearning every single thing. I cannot think. Cannot pass. See, I have tried my best. And best is not enough. It is never enough. My life depends on eoys. Meaning I will like die.

I am ignorant and hypocritical. Please dont hate me.

At least I havent been told to fuck off yet. There is nowhere to run already. Like each day I am waiting for the terrible thing to happen to me. Wait and wait. And get scared and freaked. I wish I hadnt done so many things. And know what to do now. I have experienced the highest form of rejection. I must stop talking shit. I disgust myself. Again I cant seem to fuck off. I am the lowest form of life. Really I feel like a parasite. I wish I was the host instead.
All I ever wanted was for a simple way to communicate with you. haha. I dont want be in the state of emptiness and solitude and parasitcness now. I want to talk properly too. And be understood that I know my limits. Doesnt matter to people anymore. Doesnt bother them. How. I hate me too, I want to be a baby again. At least they can communicate properly. Okay. As long as I have food to eat clothes to wear place to sleep. Nothing else matters already.

i do know alot of things. i know.
but i can only wait for those things to happen and then try not to die.

run the fuck away

i feel like a stupid fucker ):
very very stupid. i thought my life would turn for the better but it has not. it is becoming shittier and shittier each day. i can just feel it. what if i fail eoys. then how. fuck. where is my life? i have been failing like shit and now the shit has become diarrhoea. shit shit shit it. isnt my command of english really disgusting. i dont know why i talk/type like that either. i should shut the fuck up and just get on with rotting and being the stupid seat filler i has always been. i feel gross and disgusting. like i dont belong in my skin? why am i so fucking weird? and i am always late for school despite all the efforts i have put in. even spending 14 dollars on the taxi does not make me on time. i feel so screwed hahaha. i hate coming online. why do i hate coming online? because appear offline so i dont feel left out that no one comes to talk to me. why do i resort to such acts. i need to make myself feel better. i need to play an important part in some people's life. i need to be involved in peoples life. correct. why i cannot. why do i need to fuck off from peoples life. probably i should shut up now
oh yeah and i hate it when i forget to shit before i go to school. then i need to shit in the disgusting squat toilets because i dont want to get pimples on my ass by using the seat toilets. then i cannot enjoy my shit and the whole day gets shittier and shittier and when the day finally ends i am suffocated and strangled by a mountain of shit. tell me what is the purpose in my life? why do i exist like this? why does the school need so many students to do the same papers? what the heck. i am not cut out for studying.
fuck fuck fuck i am disgusted by myself how. left 19 days and 55 chapters and i havent start anything can you believe it. i will fail definitely for sure right. not everyone can re live their sec 3 lives and be young like me right. no time left already. i need not study because it is so fucking pointless. i will not fight life anymore because it always wins and i am fucking tired. i need to run the fuck away. today i was very scared and freaked i know if i fail i can just go and die and will need to murder myself. the thought scares me okay. and i needed to go bang my head on the wall or something to stop feeling so freaked and screwed. i hate the way i act too. why do i have such a face and body? everytime i am either defined by the way i look or the grades i get. why is my life defined like this. why am i defined like this. it was obviously a stupid mistake to get into st nicks right. i was only accepted cause they got extra space or something. the stupid PSLE score doesnt prove anything okay. i had alot of expensive tuition to get that stupid mark which is not proportioned to the money spent on getting it lah. so now no more expensive tuition means no hope. there is no such thing as nothing is impossible. can a one legged man run a kilometre in 2 minutes. can someone who failed eoys promote to sec4? there is no such fucking thing. such nonsensical quotes just make people feel stupid and worthless. i screwed up my life havent i. even my mother says so. "because you never listen to me"
i hate the way i exist. i dont understand any fuck now. why is everything so hard.
now i must go and sleep because that is the only way to not feel freaked about the deep shit i am in now. it is like quicksand shit. i cannot get out and i cannot fight it because it will be worse.
oh yes. melissapong smells like baby powder! <3
i am surrounded by cute people.
andrea yinsiang kiayuen florence grace lokyan maryanne xiaoyou. <3 we have alot of happy together. next year i wont get to see them anymore. see this is how screwed my life is isnt it. i hate the heat capacity thingy i dont understand it even after staring so fucking long. and tomorrow i will be late for school again. stupid.
i cannot die so early i scared. i also want to have a big big obituary and a lot of descendants. and i havent do a lot of things yet right. i will never get to do it what. why is everything so hard. i am sorry. and i hate yesterday because it was lantern fest and i never go and hold lantern in the park and play with candles and drink tea and eat mooncake and guess light riddles. i am being unwanted. i dont belong anywhere shit. my presence is not essential. it is not even wanted. i need to be wanted. i need to be needed.
okay byebye i need to sleep because that is what i do best.

我害怕热爱生命的人。在这些人面前我觉得很惭愧。对不起　yeah I have been a horrible shitz to all the people around me...esp the people who give me the pink book wanting to give me motivation for eoys. Andrea Xinrong. Grace. Kiayuen. Maryanne. Lokyan. Florence. Melissa. Sherry. Yinsiang. Xiaoyou. Thank you for like helping me and giving me alot of help. You all are very nice to me and if I dont live properly and do well I have failed as a person and I dont deserve the book thank you all so much for putting in alot of effort to help me. I will go and try my best and I am sorry I know it is too late to now then start. But thank you alot for doing so much for someone like me

And then I am like eating a terrible dinner now why so weird uh. Its like freakhog sour and stinky, fml it cost like four dollars and twenty cents stupid shop
Fuck shit I hate my family manzx. They only care about themselves

I have a shit family fuck it. I think my parents and grandmother and aunt want me dead or something. Okay so I was like sick right, and then I didnt know if its like some acceptable sick or what so I went and took a taxi which is like eight dollars and then still late for school waste money. Shit life. Okay but that is not the point. Then go class, and maryanne melissa etc kept making me go home and lin lao shi is very very nice saying he can bring me home at twelve after his chinese lesson. So nice right, thanks okay anyway then I sit with Vernice in her dads car and they ride me home thanks so much. Okay then I call my mother who sniggered at my pain saying so you never go school? Oh so you went and come back again haha. What the fuck right, where got mother like that one. Yeah then I had to alone see doctor at the polyclinic because got government subsidies so must wait very long like one hour plus. But the doctor and the polyclinic people very nice. So I go home and sleep like shit. Yeah then my mother comes home and does her own stuff as if I am just part of the atmosphere she doesnt even acknowledge my sick pitiful presence. So then my grandmother comes home with dinners, then the aunt was like v pissed and started shouting and slamming doors saying she foot want look after her own kids why you have to buy dinner for them dont buy for them who ask you buy for them. Fuck lah right. Then the mother was like I never ask her buy hor. See no one is responsible for my life. Then the aunt was like your kids confirm fail one lah. What a pathetic life I have. Look at the family. I think if I like die then the family would be closer right, I should die like a tragic hero like romeo and juliet because once they died the families stopped fighting right. Anyway right, my family want me out of their lives and I wished I wasnt part of their lives either. Look how am I going to pass eoys like that. I have this terribly screwed life. I want to be anywhere but in this shit place. I cannot study properly like this I just want to sleep till I die or something. Oh yeah I hate those korean bands who sing in english, sounds terrible :-(

why the fuck am i still alive

i rot and then i die i got one life and i screwed it and no one is going to cry at my funeral because i didnt touch anyone's life. i will die quietly. isnt that good? thats peaceful. its not good to contribute to noise pollution. haha. i disgust myself.
what if one day i have to talk to my furniture? what if one day i am all alone and no one gives a shit about me anymore? this are perfectly good reasons to want to die.
because if i cannot pass the freaking math/physics test i cannot calculate my worth as a human being and therefore will die. and the stupid physics teacher should be banished from moe. i hate her. but i keep laughing whenever she scolds me. she scolded someone can you dont be so irritating just because he asks questions. it is so obvious because she is stumped for words and is too ashamed to admit it. okay fuck i need to go and rationalize my surds and learn about the norm so i can live by the word of god and stop committing blasphemy. shit i hate this. my life is a complete screw up.
i dont know what im doing on this earth but it doesnt matter because im going to die. it gets harder everyday and then theres facebook to remind me of the sucker that i am. why do i still go on facebook? what the fuck is wrong with me? why am i giving singtel my money? why do i have a phone? it just makes my life depressing that no one messages me and i always have to go start a conversation. and my mother says im going to get brain cancer from that phone. yeah i already have brain cancer theres a freaking tumour inside the brain that is giving the hand weird thoughts to type here. i must practice. i must practice to stop talking to people to stop staring at the stupid phone wishing it will ring or what kay fuck
the church keeps telling us that we have to change lives. transform lives. i cannot do that lah. i dont deserve to go to church for services like a freeloader. anyway i am looking for excuses to not go to church i know, look at the sucker i am
and then i dont know why all this shit is happening what the shit have i done i know i have done alot of shit and i am in very very deep solidified shit i cant get out anymore i dont want to be alive because math and physics is compulsory, fml fml fml.
i am alive for all the wrong purposes. i know i am going to live with regrets. i know it. i am going to regret my life. i need to quick go die. if only it were that easy right. why am i online? why? and why are some persons talking to me? it is always like that they talk to me for a while out of fucking obligation then they run out of stuff to say then i also got nothing to say what since they already found out what they wanted right, like i am a freaking experiment/specimen for their boredom or something right so throw away after i have been analysed haha i am this sour sour person who cannot see good in anything i shamelessly need somebody to come and talk to me hahaha how ironic is that okay i need to shut the fuck up and rationalize surds byebye i havent studied done any homework at all i will die anyway my death is supposed to be a good thing but then all the preachings will have been wasted on me and the precious resources i have used but it is better to die earlier if not i would be wasting more of these resources. i am not worthy of these resources. WHY MUST I RATIONALIZE SURDS. and what happy birthday. the day i was born was the day tragedy started. it should be sadie birthday or something.
okay and lastly its JOEYLEE'S birthday today. happy birthday gay <3 i love you forever haha. (:

i will die if i think again

i have alot of problems. i cannot solve my problems. how can i like do math problems. how. i hate surds. why google cannot teach surds. i hate surds. hate it. i hate log. i hate. why must know how to do surds and log. why. for what. is no use. i hate math. i will fail. once a failure always a failure. and i just did the best math paper ever. like throughout the whole year i always fail right. and then this time i fail worse the ever because i just stoned at the fucking paper without doing a single question. i mean like i just did 2 freaking questions out of 7 questions. the rest is like BLANK. like i will get like 5/40. okay thats it. and now i am in the saddest part of the world doing very very sad things.
I AM ALL ALONE. ALWAYS ALONE. and i wish i would shut my fucking big mouth up.
like i wish i never need to go out again, coz i have a fugly face and fugly legs and arms. and i will give people sore eyes by walking on the streets thus committing a terrible sin.
i wish i is dead. why dont i just get on with dying already huh.
fuck fuck fuck.
what is wrong with me.
and i dont like my family because it is very small.
i want a big big family so i can have lots of people to live with and sleep with and eat with and talk with.
i will make a big big family for myself i swear. okay that is my goal. i will live for a future big family.
okay good.
it gets harder each day you know anot.
i got no one to talk to. anyway also dont need to talk what if got nothing to say dont bother talking right. i also got nothing to say to anybody anymore. its having a pointless conversation haha. soon we will all die in silence or something. i have gone really really mad i talk to my chair and table and papers and pens. what the fuck. i cannot exist like that right. i want to die dammit. it is torturous to live like that.

i am a terribly screwed thingy.
really really really screwed. i am going to fuck my life.
i am becoming badder. worser. suckier.
how?
i think i have like brain cancer or something, my head is like going to explode and the body is like breaking down
but i dont like the way it hurts leh.
i dont like it at all.
fuck lah, i feel like i cant feel anymore.
i am going to fail my eoys because i never study at all because i dont know how study ):

and and get well soon Yeexiang! ): slap my nehnehs! ♥

I am consumed by my own thoughts. I cannot stop talking to myself like a crazy freak. I hate myself. I am not normal. I am not gods creation. Fuck. Why. And I have I terrible physics teacher. She is a terrible human. You know what she said. These are the easiest questions on earth! (Refering to the past o level physics questions) what the heck. She is insulting the setter of the questions is she not. A p6 boy can do this! I can drag a boy from that class and he will do the question. Oh fuck obviously his teacher is better than you what. Then she says, I have never seen anyone as idiotic as you people! She thinks shes some president or something like we will all die if not for her sacred presence. Why am I being treated like an idiot no one has ever seen? This is always happening. I am a freaking useless shit trying to be I freaking human and fit into this elite society through underhand means that yield terrible results. I should just stop trying fuck. Like face it lah. Shit can never be human. Like I am physically human but inside this fake exterior you will discover piles and piles of disgusting stinking shit. I need to shut up and get on with dying. But what the heck lah if I die I can never get married and have sex and have kids and have my own family tree. Aiya but no one wants to marry shit anyway. I need to go on blind dates and use dating services if not I will die pathetically with not a single human bu my funeral. With no love. I will die a terrible death. How? I need to belong somewhere. Is shit classified? This is not even useful shit. It should not even exist. Like I. I feel like a fucking outcast. Like a wasted shit. Like I try freaking hard and dont get accepted. Because it was not meant to be. Shit was not meant to exist, let alone have a chance to thrive. So why do I exist? Why am I alive? It is selfish to remain alive just because I want to fucking get married. Like to be wanted. Accepted. Thats what my whole life is about and at the same time my existence makes other peoples life miserable. Imagine having to put up with shit constantly. I really really want to go to jail. Then I can be part of the yellow ribbon project and live a new life. Theres so many things coming up and I am not involved. I am like a mosquito. Revolting. Even I revolt myself. A sucker. My life was not meant to be. It was a big fat lie and now the cover is blown. I am back to being a shit. A pariah of the pariahs.

Reflect on my actions:
Why I should kill myself:
1) I have made too many mistakes and being alive just makes me make more mistakes.
2) My life is too screwed too many mistakes nowhere to run impossible to change.
3) Dont have to fail anymore math tests ever again.
4) Dont have to live like shit ever again.
5) perhaps the st nicks education system will change
6) Dont have to feel sad angry inferior screwed up guilty pathetic stupid suffocated three useless failure anymore
7) since I hate my life so much why not die instead of wasting precious resources. Okay I will die nicely so I can donate my blood and organs
8) I have killed too many people with my selfish actions
9) cant get anything right lah. Too many mistakes, isnt that why criminals are given the death sentence.
10) Dont have to worry about stupid things
11) no more of being always alone
12) no need of trying to be accepted
13) no more of being hated
14) then I can like sleep forever
15) problems and conflicts and misunderstandings will be reduced
16) there would be more oxygen and less air pollution and deforestation
17) the world would be a better place
18) my parents are suffocated by my existence
19) I hate it lah. I know you hate me too
Shit I really am too scared to end my life. Fuck me. Gladly I would wish you take my life away I am a fucking shit and I cant do anything right

Please dont hate me. Learn from your mistakes. Theres too many mistakes where do I start learning from. I cannot do this anymore. Too many chances have been given and I cant change. Still the same worthless fucked up shit. Always alone. This is all my fault. What should I do now. I cant do anything at all. Why am I still alive? Theres no purpose. Life sucks then you die. Then it sucks again. Like how, I have screwed everything. Cant keep my fucking mouth shut. Cant pass my fucking exams. Cant. What do I do now. I think jumping off buildings is really scary. I am freaking scared of heights. Although it promises instantaneous death. Dying is so freaking hard. Living is harder. I need to get over my fear of dying. Fuck. Nobody would talk to me now. My life is like hated you know. Like thaksin/osama/saddam hussein etc. Being alive just makes things worse. It gets harder each day. I make my mother angry/sad. She has failures for daughters. I have made terrible mistakes. I need to go to jail and serve a sentence and then I can turn over a new leaf. I cannot live like this anymore. How many people have I killed with my selfish actions. Really. I am sorry.

everyone is saving me. everyone is helping me live properly.
but i cant. why cant i. my life is a mistake.
it was not supposed to happen.
i need to die. now.
empty like a sack of shit.

i know what will happen if i continue with my mistake of being alive.
the days will just get worse and worse and sadder and sadder.
i must cease to be alive ):
why must it happen until likethis why must this happen to me?
自己。 自卑。自作多情。自闭。 自杀。
i really really really.
feel like shit now.
i am so sorry.
):
):

i need to type alot of f words because i feel like fuck now really. everything is fuck. fuck everything really. like what the fuck is wrong with my life. it is fucking terrible i must fucking say. i must insert fuck everywhere i can because i can. anyway i need to use a lot of f words because now got nobody care me and i need to talk to myself and using f words can make that process more bearable ):
and today is the saddest day in the 21st century okay. i need to see a fucking therapist and have anger management and emotion management and alot of managements ): it is so terrible to be me ): i need to shut up this minute and stop using fuck. okay i will stop okay. but i am very very very sad now. i am very sad but it is all my fault because i have brought all this shit upon myself ): and so i am really really pathetic now. i have officially turned into a sack of shit and it is an irreversible change ): oh how more sucky can this get ): i am very angry how. i need to go and tear alot of things up and say many strings of f words. i have become a monster ): terrible.
why is my life likethis ):
i have become a pathetic lone freaky fiend who has lost all its friends ):
yeah so.
so right.
i have a disgusting life. i need to go to the saddest place in the world and die there sadly. thats so sad.
and then. what will become of me. my life is bleak without any prospects.. i dont care if i die or what lah okay. living like shit is shitty. then what am i sticking around for. i must run away. i cannot live in a world with math and trigonometry and heat capacities and napfa and pe quizzes and hate and lies and hurt and pain. cannot cannot. okay bye. i need to do something with my life really. i dont know. fuck

I cannot anymore. I suck. I never do what I need to do. How what should I do with myself. I did not choose to be alive and cannot choose to die also. Either way I suck. Yeah I am fucking weird. Do you think I like to be likethis. I hate this. I dont even understand myself. Why. Why go have hope etc. Like Fuck. Go be(lie)ve for what. Need love for what. 'love is magical comfort food for the weak and uneducated.' I need lots of love man. Need. Hence I suck. I cant die, cannot be so irresponsible and leave parents alone in the world. I am fucking tired of being a weird miserable failure already. I know not of what to do. What is going to happen. Every night I evaluate analyse and assess reasons about what to do etc. Nothing works anymore. I am going to be always alone always, because no one understands me nor do I understand myself. I should screw myself and die. I hate me really. How many more times will I fail before I die. I cannot keep sticking around on earth alive without purpose.

i need to get out of school and go to the saddest part of the world and meditate and get over myself. i hate myself. i need to get over myself. i need to not be myself. i cannot live like this anymore. i very scared.
nobody going to friend me. likethis. likethat. no more friends already due to my terribleness, shit this. i cannot do anything lah. i do not give a fuck anymore lah okay. because i am still going to die in the end. i cannot stand it already lah. i also cannot sit it. what to do now? got this competition called the physics air race competition and it is terrible. i am going to become a disgrace to the school. no i have already became a disgrace. i am a disgrace to school man. i am the black colour sheep. i wont get dirty one because i already dirty. and nobody likes me. i am a friendless fiend. why is life likethis. why must it be against me everyday. it is terrible. then i become very weird, i cannot think properly i cannot concentrate properly. look. i hate my disgusting life. despicable me.

okay you know what. i give up. i give up on my fucking life and trying to make stuff work out. i give up on trying to pass math. i have been trying for 2.5 fucking years. it is not going to work out what. i am not meant to pass math. right. it is destined. it is fate. i cannot change it. i must stop trying. if not i will die in the process and i will never get to eat ice cream again.

there is no love. i cannot stand myself. there are seriously problems with me. then i bring the problems to other people right. so i cannot do anything correctly. how to. empty empty empty. how nice it would be if i no longer alive. i wish i was blind so i do not have to see all this tragedies all these big fake smiles and stupid math questions with ambiguous solutions and the terrible results. i wish i was deaf, so i do not have to hear you tell me all the tragedies and the sad sad truth that i am never going to be happy. and lastly i wish i was retarded, so i do not have to make sense of what the fuck is going on anywhere at anytime. and i dont have to understand myself and what i am thinking and keep think of explanations for all this fuck.
yeah i am so fucking inferior. so fucking weird. so different. like a fucking mutant. hateful in the sight of god. which is why he doesnt love me. oh shit i am invaded by satan now or what. i am so fucking scared. i cannot be normal. i cannot think normal. actually i tried to think normal. i thought normal at first. then it got messed up. now i think weird. yeah okay. okay i am a freak. run away. dont talk to me. leave me alone ahahaha. what the heck.

today is the saddest day of my life.
i realise no one is ever going to give a shit about me and they cannot give a shit about me even though they want to,
it is damn obvious already, no one is obliged to love me let alone give a fuck about me.
there is no love.
it has evaporated and cannot condense because there is a drought and a long period of dry weather. fuck it.
i dont want to go to heaven then come back down to hell again.
i rather stay in hell forever.
there is no use being happy. there is no need to pursue happiness because the pursuit of happiness is what makes us miserable in the first place.
if only we stopped trying to be happy. we'd have a pretty good time.
but i try so fucking hard to get what is not meant to be.
screw me. my life is so fucked lah.
today i went to the saddest place in the universe. and i go there and i wanted to die so fucking badly lah, then i started to sleep. sleep. shui jiao. how can i do that right, i cannot be a proper human being, i cannot live properly. i cannot meet expectations, i am far behind. i am lost. i am gone. now i dont understand a single thingi hate math. i hate it. hate it. i will go and sleep with my books. then i can become smarter. i have a serious incurable disease. its called retardation. hmmz. fuck life.

everyone is saving me.
i'm a worthless human being.

i know why i am so sad everyday.
i go to sad places everyday. like school. its the saddest place in the world. next is the mavis tuition place. then i do sad things. like math. math is the saddest thing that ever happened to mankind. yeahh then i come back home. it is the third saddest place in the world. then i see sad things. how. fml. fml fml.
hellow andreaaa. i <3 youu. I <3 you. ytd i sleep with my math textbook. it didnt work ): stupid stupid. i am still not going to pass math? why likethis. my life is shit. shit. tormented tortured shit. ):
seriously right what is my problem.
this is the climax of my life. the climax is progressing manzx.
and and. ):
everything depresses me.
thinking thinking thinking. ):
what to do now.
free writing.
i will do free writing.
i keep spending money when i am very angry/pissed. i buy rubbish. like pens and paper and highlighters and pencils. now i have become very poor.
and then when i become until very sad i will keep eating rubbish. like peanut butter and butter and milo powder and sugar and salt. what the heck right.
i need to go and study now.
bye bye. i think i cannot study lor.i just keep staring at the questions for hours. yuck. despicable me. i am despicable.
now i must do the saddest things in the world now.
bye bye.

i have lost my mind and therefore cannot study.
i will stop studying.
i cannot.
i dont want.
i want to eat and sleep and eat and sleep and shit and sleep and eat and sleep some more.
i cannot pass math. i cannot. why i cannot. why.
why must this happen to me. make it stop. make it stop happening.
my life sucks okay, i dont even have a life.
i am disgusting and i live disgustingly i am a human disaster and there are no measures to reduce the impact of me on my life

pathetic - ism

today is the saddest day of my life. really really. what the fuck lah right okay. today got two fucking test like geog and physics. what the heck is geog right. i wrote like rubbish for geog BECAUSE I STUDY THE WRONG CHAPTER. walao waste my memory space! the stewpeed eguatorial climate and climograph and convectional rain and relief rain ALL NEVER COME OUT. and they ask what negative impact flooding has on the environment. i wrote like, plants cannot survive in excess water they will drown. what the heck i forgot everything ): and my xiaoyou and andria went home ): super sad okay. and my suyuan started crying so all was very very sad and depressing. okay fuck. fucky fucky fuck.
and then. i go home that time. then i go home. raining man. what the shit. the heavens also dont like me you knows. then i take the bus. and the bus never wait for me. so i have to take the next bus. so bad. they discriminate against me. then i go home. yes. and then i must go return the cds for my mummy. and so i walk to the hougang mall because i too poor to take a fucking bus. and then and then. i return already right..
i look and the cds. then i saw this vvvvv nice show called Dear John. its a vvvv nice movie. educational and romantic and loving and vvv nice. AND IT IS NC16. then the woman down there say i cannot borrow. even though i was willing to pay four fucking dollars for it. she say must 16 then can borrow. i feel so sad okay. i want to cry. i do not even have the right to watch a fucking movie. she say must have mother or father come take then can. is there a difference. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
i am still going to watch it what right. discriminate against age. 15 very young meh. huh. what the heck. according to the much more accurate chinese calendar i am like 17 okay okay. how can this happen to me. got people 15 can watch nc16 m18 and r21 movies in the cinemas okay. why i cannot dear john. why why why. i am being treated unfairly. my sister is like 9 years old and she watches the orphan. she so young should be watching cartoons right. why she can i cannot. and then also got people can go online watch porn right. also no need show ic. huh. why i cannot watch dear john. all the romantic movie is all nc16. this is shit ok. at 15 we have to learn stupid physics and learn about temperature and climates and stupid internal conflicts and go and understand that when you put your hand on the table and the table is exerting a force on you. which means the table is like alive. how can a 15 year old brain understand this shit and we can even watch educational videos on underage sex during CME sex education THEN WHY I CANNOT WATCH DEAR JOHN. what the fuck is this. fml fml fml
i want to watch dear john ok. there is so much love in it. why cannot watch. love is need to be spreaded around one ok.
how can this happen to me. everything always happen to me hor. everything that is vvvvv bad. see i can only watch cartoons like barney and winnie the pooh ( which is vv disgusting because the pooh keeps smelling the piglets butt and the pooh is boy and the piglet is girl ok ) shouldnt winnie the pooh be nc16. harh. whatthefuck. and teenage. teenage is porn ok. "17 and sex in public toilets" WHAT THE HECK IS THIS MAN. and primary school chewren are allowed to buy it. "hi i am a loyal fan of yours and have been reading your column since p3" and this person goes on talking about how she loses her virginity etc etc. then other chewren read about it and go and try it. isnt this worse than watching romantic nc16 movies by nicholas sparks. why they can read porn and i cannot watch dear john. why why why.
so isnt today a really really really sad day. i failed physics and geog and i study until my brain exploded. and then i got v disgusting for math also which is lowest in class maybe lowest in cohort too. walao. so screwed. or unscrewed. my brain is unscrewed. shit.
shit shit shit. and i got no phone. phoneless friendless fiend ):
STUPID EOYS STUPID STUPID STUPID.
i really really really going to retain.
my mother will kill me so i must kill myself first.
i suck. how. what should i do with myself. i feel very disgusted being me.
cannot do maaaaath cannot cannot cannot ): so depressing i only passed like 5 math tests since sec 1.
shit. and i cannot study coz i watch ghost show. i v scared the ghost ):
and florence says i need to go icu in imh coz i am really mental. ):
stupid sucky school. ):
saddest day of my life );
and then i dont know how to thank the ppl who help me until so much ): teach me math physics chem geog wake me up in class etc. ( andrea xiaoyou kiayuen grace florence melissa maryanne lokyan siowpin fangwei xinrong yinsiang andria joey etc etc. )
never let me be alone. ):
what if next year i can no longer see them ): ): then how then how then how.
): FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFML
fuck fuck fuck. i hate coming home, like shit like that. there is no love. can we all just go and die or something. then can make the headlines right.
i must shut up now. i am very irritating. byebye. i hate myself.
i wonder how long will it be before i get to see you again? ):
how to say. i wish i got more to say manzx. i like it when you smile :) i like it when you laugh at what i say :) you laughter and smile is v nice. you are awesome. you have a great smile and great laughter and you should smile and laugh everyday. you are great. you have powerful features and beautiful eyes. you have a fantastic mustache. im not kidding. you are amazing.
i want to see you smile everyday :) lolololol validation
where is you. where is you. where is you. ):
i very tired i dont want go school i want stay in a hole and die.
ok bye.

因为幸福 所以害怕

I FEEL SUPER SAD NOW.
I AM GOING TO DIE FROM SORROW SOON.
):
FUCK,

i feels like shit so many times a day, i wonder if i is going to turn into shit soonz.

i want to become very very very smart.

i feel very sad now. i feel unwanted, rejected and hurt.
you know what is sad? is like depression. like sorrow. feelings of extreme inferiority and suicides etc.
i just came back leh. i think i am really not normal. i also dont know why i so late come back lah ok. i also dont like that i dont know.
oh yah. i hate my piano teacher she is an effing bitch i mean it. she sucks ok and my mother worships her like god. then i was having physics tuition and my mother just open the door and tell me your lesson 8.15. eh what the fuck. and the physics teacher keep staring at me ask me who that. she cannot wait until i tuition finish is it.
ok fine. then i go out. at 7.30. and the piano teacher kind of demanded that i run jump fly there now. stupid. and the mother also demanded the same thing. what fuck i havent eat since 2.20. super kelian ok. then yah. must go to the stupid lesson lah. coz i want to fucking pass the exam if i fucking fail the mother will hate me forever and ever. fuck lah piano exmas are for the richs and smarts/musically inclined prodigies. no money learn what fuck no money expect pass the exam. go die lah. every week she will just tell me how many wrongs i make and she never even teach properly lah please. and i want to die after each lesson. coz she makes me feel like diarrhoea. walao the fuicking exam is 30 minutes, 380 dollars.
and the people will try to fail you coz you are not pro and thus you suck.
i am really going to fail.
then i go and wait for the effing bus. i wait for HALF AN HOUR and it still dont want to come. fuck.
so i am like late for the lesson. she said its 9.15 yesterday and then she anyhow change time what the fuck. the reason is coz she got sore throat and flu and she cannot stand it anymore and she need to see doctor. and she always say I never listen. wth i always listen but i cannot do it not my fault ok. not my fault already. if everybody can listen and do it then nobody will fail anymore exams and the world will be a very pretty place to stay in.
then what about me.
my mother hates me and i got no food to eat and no home and i am going to fail a 380 dollars exam.
i rather get your sorethroat and flu ok. i dont care if i die from it.

walao.
then its like i am being treated like got no feelings like that.
like non living thing.
or a form or entertainment.

coz i read somewhere this story about this very very very sad man who was sad everyday. he feels so sad about everything. (like me) yeah. then one day he go see the therapist and ask, what should i do so i wont feel so sad? then the therapist took pity on him and told him, go watch the blah blah comedian's show at 9pm every Saturday night. i always feel happier after i watch his show. he is very funny one. if you watch you will feel better.
then the man burst into tears and said, i am the comedian.

so sad right. like me. like his sorrow is a form of entertainment to people.
ok fine maybe its good to be of some use to people right. but like this is so sick lah ok. your sorrow is my laughter.
what shit right. how can peoples sadness be your happiness. cannot right.

fucking sad. why am i living on false hopes. crushed hopes and shattered dreams?
i am so sick of being alive and waiting waiting waiting for something great to happen . like the rainbow after the rain and xian ku hou tian or something.
stupid, when is that day going to come. i am going to go insanes. mads. abnormals. retarded. crazys.
what should i do now.
i am a disconnected phoneless homeless friendless fiend.
i hate myself too.
i wish i was dead. then i dont have to see all these tragic truths.
ok bye.

i am going to die in school tomorrow.
fml.
fuck my life.

4.02am

ok. i am so going to die. its 4.02am. i dont need to sleep already.
stewwpeed spa later.
i am dieded.
my teeth pain my ears got blood and i still need to go to school.
all i want now is to die. dont care how dont care why dont care where.

help me.
im tired of being alive and still be died.
really. i hate being alone and belonging to nobody and have nobody belong to me.

i hate failing everything after trying so fucking hard.
i hate it. i get jealous. i get jealous of people who got the things i want and will never get.
so greedy me right..
i got so nice country to live in and so good school to go to and many nice nice friends who wake me up when i sleep in class.
i hate me too. its okay. we can all hate me together.

i miss it like fuck ok. i miss everything that once happened because it is not going to happen again... like once i get it i am never going to get it coz i like getting it.
fuck.
i just.
just.
i just
want to have long comversations

i hate myself for being fucking disgusting too.
cant i just shut the fuck up and get over myself
hahaha.
i cannot.
you know why.
coz i suck.

this is my sister. very cute right. like the despicable me the girl like that right! <3. really ok. i <3 my sister ok. one day she will read my blog and realise what i nice and loving sister she has. i must put alot of photos everywhere now. when i have the chance. because later i will never get a chance to do so anymore. so i must faster put. why i want to put? so that my blog will look nice and i will seem normal. and i must leave a mark of my existence everywhere i go. then i will be remembered. yeah. i also dont know what fuck is i talking now.
anyway i must put alot of pictures.
then my blog will look alive. and nice.
and i create a postive image of myself also.
ok bye.

I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see.
I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want.
I wish i dreamt the same dreams as you do , and together we could make them come true.
I wish i knew what makes you happy, so i could make you the happiest person in the world.
And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood,
so I could be sure I was somewhere in your heart.

i am damn pathetic. no phone and soon no internet. like now i got nobody to talk to and can only talk to this blog thingy and now it is going to be taken away from me too.
i am soon to be lefted with nothing.
is it too greedy to ask for so much?
maybe right.
i also dont know lah.
ok then today i saw mrs toh at compass point library! omg so cool right. i went and said hi. coz she is v friendly and nice. then she look v happy to see me also. dont know if she got remember me anot leh. but i always sleep in her class so should be able to remember right. yeah.
then i dont know why but my ear keeps bleeding. like blood. it bleeds blood. the inside. the eardrums. i am going to be deaf.
ok then. my mother come home with a lot of instant noodles. mad. it means that i am expected to eat instant noodles for BLD. see. i am going to die very very soon.
it shall be classified under natural death.
and all my hair will fall out and i will die a hairless deaf friendless fiend.
and i must do geog and ss graded now. i dont know how to do.
why must we write a stupid essay about irrigation techniques and cloud seeding.
i cannot.
i will fail.
i should not be affected by failures anymore coz of the many failures already right.
but i dont want fail. i just want to pass. only. just pass. but i still cannot.
my brain also got problems. ):

ok then right. ):
my cousin just moved out leh ):
is damn sad ok. i feel very sad about it. i mean it ok. i am not saying this to make myself feel better by like expressing my sadness about my cousins departure or show that i am humane coz i feel sad about her departure yeah ok now i must blog about her because i miss her alot.
really ok. even though i think we very bad to each other alot of times.
but still right. she very nice sometimes, like she will go cut hair with me and run with me. now no more running partner no more running together and we will all get fat ): and the times we share clothes. and stalk people together. and watch tv together. and buy clothes together. and talk together. and eat together. no more togetherness already. now that shes gone ): last time when she was here i wish she will quickly get out and now i wishing she will come back or something.
ok yeah. thankyou my cousin for being my cousin.
and all the best for your o levels i love you <3

i wish i could say more.

我只是难过不能陪你到老

dieing?

i am being treated like shit. like i do not have feelings. like i have no pride.
i cant think properly. i keep eating like there is no tomorrow. i cannot stop. like its my last meal. and i keep buying stuff. buy pens. buy paper. buy books. go library stare at books for 3hours. it makes me effing happy. like on drugs or something. what the heck. i think i am mad. but still. if i am mad and i know it does it still make me mad?
i think it doesnt. haiz. so i still cannot get into IMH.
i still have to go school. seriously. who doesnt want to die if life is like this? but i want to live. because right i want to have wedding and get married and have kids and have a house and eat happy meals and chicky meals and buy whatever i want and be teacher. but then. what if it doesnt happen and i end up alone ten years later and nobody wants to friend me coz i cannot pass my olevels and i got no money no savings no house and get my brain and body systems screwed by poisonous gases and everyone hates me or forgets my existence and i will just end up hanging around with no purpose. a member of nothing in the world.
anyway. like i am not even supposed to be alive. that is why my life is not like a life. so i am already very lucky to have food to eat and air to breathe and ground to step on and air con and clothes to wear and proper organs and live in singapore where there is no natural disasters.
walao. but i dont want all this what. i want a nice family.
like i am going to get it. i dont even deserve to be alive.
fucking hellz.
always she is looking at my flaws + mistakes + stupidity + suckiness.
and not at my goods. and positives.
i dont have meh.
even a bit also dont have you know.
my mother confirmed it. maybe she not even my mother right? she everyday scold me and says how effing useless i is. i hate her.
i hate living here.
but i have to.
if i want get to 20 years old.
i feel so pathetic and pitiful right. i feel very sorry with myself.
MY LIFE IS EVEN MORE MISERABLE THEN ADELINE YEN MAH.
at least she got big big house and aunt baba who <3 her.
i dont even have anyone who <3 me ok.

my mother is an effing bitch, seriously what the fuck ok.
ok fine i am going to be killed and puinished terribly in hell for saying this but whatever lah. YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
why the fuck do i have this mother. she is born to make my fucking life miserable.
she keeps saying, i wont do anything for you from now onwards. FINE. then i shall go and kill myself and i will see if you will do my funeral for me.
YOU CAN DONT AND I WILL NOT GIVE A SHIT
then she comes home just now and looks at me using the computer and tells my sister. you know what i am going to do right. next time you dont need sleep at twelve already. dont need stay up already. you know right. FUCK
unseen prose. see the hidden meaning. she cant say it straight to my fucking face is it.
ok then. whenever i ask her NICELY. questions. then she will ignore me. like really ignore. like i dont exist. fuck right.
i want to live properly and she dont let me. fine lah.
i am a homeless beggar.
she is also a fucking liar. i tell her i lost my phone and say sorry one thousand times and she say ok. concentrate on your studies and i will buy new one for you lah.
THEN WHERE IS THE PHONE NOW.
such a liar. promises to me dont have to be kept because i am extremely insignificant. not important.
then they call pest control coz the house is like infested with insects right. and they spray the poisonous gas at 10.15 am. and people is not supposes to come inside the house until 2.15pm.
yah. AND NO ONE TOLD ME.
INCLUDING MY DEAREST MOTHER WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVES ME.
so i came home a 1.30. and breathed in a lot of poisonous gas. which is why my brain is screwed and my thoughts are fucked and i am going to die.
i am going to get heart failure.
where my heart fails me and i die.
correct.
i hate my mother and i look forward to the day she is out of my life and i can be alone forever and ever coz i love myself and i only want to be with myself coz i can do anything i want and say anything i like.
there is no love.
even my mother does not love me. who will?

i am not going to sleep ):
i cannot ):
i am very tired already and i want to die.

but you know.
there are only a few things keeping me alive.
one of them is you.

i am very alone

today right.
i almost late for school ok. coz i was like dreaming i got a new phone. blackberry one. stupid right. i remember. like i got off the mrt then got caiyuan with me then i went to get a phone at a random campsite or something. so retarted.
then i run like shit and made it to the classroom when pledge started.
and then chem test. ok i failed like shit again i totally dont know how to do lah and i got mug like siao in the kitchen leh. until i sleeped on my bag. walao. then i see the paper i forget everything. ok anyway, then after the chem test. despicable me! ♥
is super nice de. thanks xinni bring me watch ♥ (:
and then now. now i am stoning. coz i am crushed by my inertia.
funeral. fantasy. false hope. fake. failure. fractures. freak. freaky. friendless. fear. fearful. flunk. female. force. fact. fiend. ( credits to lokyan melissa maryanne florence grace ♥ )
ahahaha.
no phone.
nobody to talk to.
really.
no more communications.
lost.
gone.
fading away.
forgotten.
how very insignificant

Happy Birthday ♥

todayy is Huimins birthday.
so nice.
Happy birthday! honourned right coz i am dedicating this to you <3
i know you stalk my blog kayzx. i love you larth! and and good luck for you olevels etc. may all your wishes come true, grow taller prettier etc <3
okok. wall eye knee (:
and and this is the like last birthday together alr ): like nect year you not in sch alr! walao eh. then i will die ok. ): because my sunshine is gone ):

happy birhtday (: the bestbest senior ever ♥

why am i being retarded and desperate lah fuck.
why. its like 2.47am already ok. means like later got the stoopit math test and stoopit physics SPA which i will die like shit. coz i never study again. coz i keep thinking about shit and doing shit and living like shit lah. walao. shit.
i hate myself. i am very disgusting. i have nothing better to do. cannot do anything correct. shit.
i also dont want to die right. like i wanna see how my life turns out and stuff right. but if it never turn out the way i want then how. then how? what to do. die? try to die? then i read somewhere that if die must pay money for dying or something like that. yahlah also not i pay what. and is only pay one time can.
then i keep doing things i should not. like stay up and not sleep just because i can. and stone online and do more shit. coz i keep stalking people. ok. how.
because i am phoneless ok. i want to call people now. or like got somebody to message what. but the more i want something the more i am never never never going to get it at all. so i am not going to want a phone ok.
i am not going to want anything so i can have everything what the shit.
i hate it lah ok. i got nobody to talk to.
ok. so screwed. you know why? coz i cannot predict the future. if i can i will not be screwed forever at all.
then i will pass all the math tests and geog tests and physics spas and physics tests. then i will win all the toto. then i will earn all the money. then i will know the right things to say all the right things to do.
see. then i will become the happiest person in the universe. haha.
if only. if onlies.
that the things i like like me back.
i am going to fail.
like i always did.
coz god has left me.
coz i never go for service.
and i express dissatisfaction with what god has given me.
therefore.
always alone.
with no one to hold.

i dont like myself ok.
i suck.
i also cannot stop sucking right.
because i am very screwed.
tomorrow i got a math test and i am still like phoneless.
coz right i am very pathetic and idiotic and i also dunno how.
walao.
what happened.
i must stop this.
coz i have decided to live. like huo xia qu.
so i cannot be like shit anymore.
but i still am.
always alone.
i am freaking sad.
effing sad
fuck lah
i is fucking weird
fucking mad
insane
walao
abnormal
shit how?
how?
what to do?

what about me.

effing lonely.
like shit.
i am being treated like a sack of shit.
or.
like the fresh flower on that pile of shit.
):

why am i so sad.
i hate sad ok.
like if die then wont sad already. freak.
but then again right. die now is like not worth it cause still got olevel and already paid for it. correct. and air cons and nice songs and nice pens and shopping centres and chocalte sundaes. so right. i think i should wait to die naturally right. like maybe drown in sorrow or something. but still. life sucks like a sack of shit.
nobody is talking to me now despite being so many peoples online ): it proves that i am very not liked at all. ):
got who like me one ): dont have lor. ):
i am the saddest thing ever alive ):
freak ok.
sucks like shit lah.
there is no happiness left for me already ):
it has diffused awayyy.
i am so screwed correct.
i got nobody.
nothing.
and god is not here anymore.
coz i am a mutant. hateful in the sight of god ):
how.
how.
how.
nobody gives a shit about me anymore ):

okay fuck.
i am like the weirdest person in the entire universe or something. shit. cause i cannot do anything normal at all. really. i cannot stop talking to my self on trains and when walking home or like anywhere. mad right. and then today when i taking the train got this boy sec sch one in front of me keep say scuse me scuse me scuse me WHEN THE DOOR HAVENT EVEN OPEN YET. and he keep slapping his legs like make rhythm like that. then right. when the door open he walk like briskly out and use his two hands hold the escalator railing. THEN I CANNOT PASS UP THE ESCALATOR OK. cause his arms blocking. walao eh he purplely one ok. then i miss the precious precious train lah. then when i take the next one right he also down there same carriage. omg so weird. and he keep singing. walao the circle line is haunted or what. last time got some guy praying at the benches lor. so shit right i am like so cursed right. i feel so sorry for myself ok. and also i am going to fail the math and chemistry tests 大便

fuck lah. my life is so screwedd all the times i feel so erxin right.
like everything cannot correct? even i do alot of corrections?
today at cca down there i was like, shit i feel so retarded. then megan. good you finally feel like yourself. then i was like i feel like a retard. then megan, i never said you werent.
how funny.
but is also very depressing coz now i have no phone and i cannot talk to anybody at all. anyway hor is not as if anybody wants to talk to me hor.
i am going to fail baibai. god come and save me ok please. please.
i feels so sad. so sad ):
then its like coz i cannot do anything right what.
like everything also cannot. i hate go school leh. i hate talk to people leh.
i hate like everything leh. what should i do right.

fucked. screwed.

haha today din understand amything again at sch lor then got back physics...failed again lahhh watever lor i immune to failure liao see everything i do also cnnt chain snything wst try then keep fsiling no point right hopeless hopelexs shit lah i also dont like myself can . i dunwan live with myself also...always alone. also cannot keep depending on people to gake care of me right no one is obloged to give a shit about me fuck i screwed my life howhow what to do. stop it lah. alone alone alone. i am so screwed can. i cant change cant move on cant do anything right. cant. i tried so many fuckimg times. i know lah. if i keep like this amd never do anytjing nobody will want to friend me liaoo...shit....i also dunno uhow..i going to fail everything...not only academically ok. my mother also dun like me say i useless etc. yahlah therefore i should gnd right. why. why must like this. where is the love.
take train alone. take bus alone. eat alone . walk alone. talk alone. sleep alone. when will this miserable life end. friends. i just another one of their friends right. yahlah nothing else. they also not obliged to keep pei me and talk to me and make sure i dont screw my life up.i must by myself. alone. alone. even if got no more me nothing will change the sun and mooon and stars will still shine. then indie and dunno go where. see. nowhere to go that is not alone. fuck

today was like. ):
thanks alot you two, angels sent from heaven in the form of human beings <3
thanks for using the precious time to help me go find the toopit phone that i toopitly lost coz i was sleeping on the bus again.
although like he phone is confurmm cannot get back they still go with me make police report etc. so nice right.
i am eternally and everlastingly grateful.
really really really. sorry
coz today i take the stupid 86 go to the rivervale plaza the physics tuition and was sleeping like a shit and then i wake up the phone no more.
coz i hearing music then i think the phone drop or something.
then it no more. then i very very sad i cry. the bus driver v nice tell me dont cry then tell me is my fault wai so careless.
ok anyway the phone is gone forever. my precious baby. inside alot things like photos messages etc. a stranger is helping himherself to my secrets nowww.
freaking sad. wellz. and wenxin ah, thanks for cheering me up ahahahaha. you and your rubbish <3
thankyou vvv much.
if without you all i already die.
thank you i love you all <3
you know you make all this shit more bearable.
thanks so much.

now i feel very sad. my teacher keep telling me i going to fail the stoopit piano exam coz i never listen to her. i got ok. and the stoopit exam in like three weeks time. fuck lah. if everbody got listen and they can do it then no need take exams alr lah. no need go school study alr lah. what shit. fuck. now i am going to fail lah. see i am trying to live my life properly and no one is letting me do so. then i have no guts to die. like coz its an irreversible change. i want some people to like go out with me everyday and everyday talk to me. like today i walk to macs alone then buy ice cream and sit there and eat alone. like a loser. and i keep buying food and keep eating. like i am mad. mad. crazy. siao.
freak lah, i am so blardy lonely. nobody msg me or ask for my number at the camp ):
where is my life manz. there is no direction.
if only someone care right. then everything would be more bearable. like the song. 至少有我的温柔我的问候陪你度过
i am like living alone. like live alone. live with myself.
like however hard i try i still must live alone ):
fuck
i hate it
and i look so disgusting compared to everyone. i am so jealous of everyone.
i feel insignificant.
i want someone to tell me that they love me daily.
fuck i am turning mad.
therefore it is okay to ignore my presence and i am okay with being ignored.
kay fuck i must shut up and do glog now.
if not i will die like a piece of shit.