So much time passes and I dont know what to make of any of it. I dont know why I must stay at home everyday. Its not even a home. Its not like you enjoy my presence or what. When I go talk to you nicely what do you say. I dont want to talk to her. Or you need me more than I need you so I dont have to talk to you. Well. Fuck that. Pardon me if I dont give a shit. Its not like you even bother eating dinner with me. Or talking to me. Or even do anything with me. Why then were you so concerned for me when I went to china. Why buy me so many things I needed to use back then. Why give a shit back then when you obviously dont now. Am I out stealing. Am I out smoking. No. I am only out to stone alone because I cant in YOUR HOUSE or in YOUR PRESENCE. And you say I only come looking for you when I need money. Is that all you think of yourself? An atm machine? Even if I stay at home all day so what. You dont need me remember. So what if you save up like mad to bring me overseas. If the price I have to pay is have you hate me for eternity then I rather you dont spend such money on me for the rest of yours and my life. Seriously do whatever you want. Because I cant fight it, you are never going to understand. I am not going to care. My life stops here. I am sick of what I have to do ok. Yah correct work so hard for what. If youre going to die then you will die. If youre fugly prettifying yourself only makes people think youre a toad in swans skin or whatever. I once read in a book that this person's greatest fear is that god exists but doesnt care very much for humans. Yeah probably shouldnt say this as a christian but I feel that it is kind of true. Yeah not like I have been very faithful and everything. And theres so many people. God cant be everywhere. And even my mother hates me. So how can God love me. Kay hate then hate lah. I cant possibly hate myself less than you hate me. And another thing, staying at home is a waste of money only, even if I use the natural sunlight to see and the natural air to cool and dont bathe, I still need to shit right. And I need to flush the shit away. And I waste your electricity. Stop acting like you give a shit about me. I cant be happy and thankful that you cared about me so much when I was in china and now you simply brush me away like im some god of plague. What the fuck? You tell me I what wrong. You think I like to like this? You think I like to use your freaking money? Its like everytime I start to feel happy I start to fear and worry like mad that something terrible will happen. And sure enough, something tragic happens. After the sunshine comes the storm. Then i'd rather the storm forever right. Lastly. I know I am sinful and wicked. Eating all the nice food and wasting it when people in china/northkorea got no food to eat. Wasting alot of paper, water etc. Have no right to complain when I got food to eat water to drink and place to stay. And I dont know why those friends I talked to last time dont talk to me anymore. Have they finally realised the treacherous animal I am. Why dont they contact me anymore. I cant stand the defeaning silence. And I realise, if I stop talking to someone for a period of time, would he/she forget I exist? Would he/she remember the time spent with me. Like would he/she miss me and contact me again? Yah most probably not. So many people all over the world. Easily replacable.