God must be merely taking a divine sabbatical at the moment. that would explain a lot. 
i should not feel helpless and sad. i should be filled with hope and eagerness at the coming arrival of my saviour.
OK. then i read this book - The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes here's a damn good quote from the book 
' the key to a happy family life was for there not to be a family - or at least, not one living together' 
i feel that i am without a family. i do not feel close to them at all. like now i do not live with my immediate family - father mother sister but i feel ok. i feel neutral. sometimes i even feel this euphoria. like i am all alone and can think weird thoughts to myself and feel good about my disgusting self.
and my father is losing his memory he still recognises me and my sister but he thinks she is 17 years old
and then he cries in this high pitched voice but i am unfeeling towards it 
i have visited him less than 10 times ever since he was admitted in may
but i dont feel unfilial anymore. i dont give a fuck anymore
i want to disconnect myself from this family
i cannot feel the love between us maybe because there wasn't any to begin with. there were too little memories too little time spent together to allow for love to blossom
so now i am used to being alone so i dont bother making anymore friends or even to an extent reply people's messages
oh yea. and i stalked many people on facebook. on instagram too. and seeing their happy pictures i am filled with jealousy and hatred
i dont know why- ' sweet sixteen', 'outing with my babies', 'CNY gathering', and blah blah sickeningly sweet stuff
these cannot be all the events that have taken place in their lives. what about deaths and diseases and funerals
like when my father and grandmother die ( they should be dying soon, their existences are burdensome and sometimes bring about stupid conflicts and make many people feel bad and fight and stupid shit. yes when they die i will make a facebook album titled ' i put the 'fun' in funeral' then there will be happy pictures of people gossiping and talking at the funerals then now as technology infiltrates into our daily lives ( and deaths ) i will make a nice powerpoint about their lives too. then we willl play the imperial death march and they will die glamourously 
and since so many people use facebook i will create an event and invite many people to come though i doubt they will but nonetheless there will be free food and it is still a social gathering and people love parties and funerals are sort of like a party with the free food and activities so it should be okay
i hope people will attend the funeral
i hope the father and the grandmother would hurry up and die