Hello all who are reading this (thank you for reading!)
I have decided to attempt living a new life hence a new blog
Do follow my blog over at
www.pinkdepression.wordpress.com
By the way. Does anyone know how to apply nice blogskin themes and post pictures on wordpress?
Please teach me leh please
Will make the blog super interesting and useful for all ok. Like will try to post school notes, tips on life, tips on how to survive ntu, piano songs (if I finally know how to write songs) etc etc
So please teach me leh
OK BYE GO READ
www.pinkdepression.wordpress.com
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
testing with photo 123
So this is a project or life experiment because i want to start recording feelings and events properly again. Like not just words only but with pictures because i am interested in my life again
I feel like i need to delete the shit i wrote since 2009 till now because i was an emo piece of angst shit and that must change if i want to live normal and have proper relationships with people but then again i feel v sad to let go of the things i write so how? because the things i write is like truth of what i feel
how do i post a picture i dont know how to use blogger or technology properly
I feel like i need to delete the shit i wrote since 2009 till now because i was an emo piece of angst shit and that must change if i want to live normal and have proper relationships with people but then again i feel v sad to let go of the things i write so how? because the things i write is like truth of what i feel
how do i post a picture i dont know how to use blogger or technology properly
we went to her house with my sister to bake and stone and reminisce the stupidity of my st nicks days we went to eat at northpoint and i feel angst as usual because i had work the next day but thank you i am like happy and into taking pictures so i can post them on social media and record my life conveniently thank you technology too
Friday, March 7, 2014
I always believed that as long as I worked hard enough, I would do well. but no. pjc made me drop that stupid idea completely. here, i learnt that social networking is so much more important and prized over hard work. adding loads of 'other achievements' to your testimonial is more important. having a confident presence is more important. sucking up to teachers is more important.
being hardworking is stupid.
oh, and whenever a student cries badly over the education system, call her parents. immediately. and treat her like a depression case.
being hardworking is stupid.
oh, and whenever a student cries badly over the education system, call her parents. immediately. and treat her like a depression case.
So, what now?
Just another test of character, my patience in how to (yet again( deal with grave disappointment.
How much more of this trying must I try? How much before i finally get the courage to end this shit once and for all? How much?
I can't help thinking to myself
If there was a God, He/She wouldn't have let this happen at all. To good people.
Because what is the purpose of education? to churn out students who obtain straight A's and applaud their academic efforts or instill in students values and life skills ( like how to deal with disappointment and not be so self-absorbed/have this disgusting sense of self-entitlement etc) well it seems that in Singapore the former is more applicable.
The fact that my school applauds people who can juggle BOTH CCA co-curricular commitments and academic achievements in heavily ironic. because the ones who have other commitments would have a more fufiling time and hence a much more positive outlook on life (sure you might say that they are faced with more stress, but no they actually benefit more from the other commitments) and they get extra help from teachers as well, have more friends to share notes with bla bla so look who's talking now?
for example, if you're in the EXCO of the debating and oratorical society you would be exposed to various debating styles and benefit from networking with your teacher and coach (some academic genius) and hence develop better essay writing skills. hence scoring better in General Paper. and other Arts subjects. so the fact that you're doing well academically despite other heavy commitments is a no-brainer????? it doesnt make sense.
and usually these co curricular activities just boost the person's ego all the more. they get accepted into the best univerisity courses monopolize the academic industry and then what next?????
what is the outcome of this JC education then? is resilience merely about academic achivements and how to network with others for the sake of personal reasons? (like oh i want to earn lots of money wealth status in future so i must do this now NOT because i genuinely want to help society)
Singapore, you are not my country.
How much more of this trying must I try? How much before i finally get the courage to end this shit once and for all? How much?
I can't help thinking to myself
If there was a God, He/She wouldn't have let this happen at all. To good people.
Because what is the purpose of education? to churn out students who obtain straight A's and applaud their academic efforts or instill in students values and life skills ( like how to deal with disappointment and not be so self-absorbed/have this disgusting sense of self-entitlement etc) well it seems that in Singapore the former is more applicable.
The fact that my school applauds people who can juggle BOTH CCA co-curricular commitments and academic achievements in heavily ironic. because the ones who have other commitments would have a more fufiling time and hence a much more positive outlook on life (sure you might say that they are faced with more stress, but no they actually benefit more from the other commitments) and they get extra help from teachers as well, have more friends to share notes with bla bla so look who's talking now?
for example, if you're in the EXCO of the debating and oratorical society you would be exposed to various debating styles and benefit from networking with your teacher and coach (some academic genius) and hence develop better essay writing skills. hence scoring better in General Paper. and other Arts subjects. so the fact that you're doing well academically despite other heavy commitments is a no-brainer????? it doesnt make sense.
and usually these co curricular activities just boost the person's ego all the more. they get accepted into the best univerisity courses monopolize the academic industry and then what next?????
what is the outcome of this JC education then? is resilience merely about academic achivements and how to network with others for the sake of personal reasons? (like oh i want to earn lots of money wealth status in future so i must do this now NOT because i genuinely want to help society)
Singapore, you are not my country.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
i think my job is (insert f-word here) up
"If you don't want politics, join the tuition industry"
this was what i heard a few days ago from a group of girls advising their friend. just have a habit of eavesdropping they talked so loudly anyway.
so as much as I would love to teach and interact with students because they are much more sincere/caring/helpful/understanding/un-hypocritical/un-manipulative than adults i cannot because i know the gross ugliness of the education industry.
Educators (or at least educators working for this company):
1. Give in to parents' unreasonable demands.
2.Have unfair amounts of workload - as mentioned in previous posts i have a effing chao geng co-worker who continues to slack her ass off and suck up to the supervisor who laps it up
3. and said supervisor continues to live in sweet denial of the issues that are going on, refusing to delegate fair work to employees/have a meeting to clear up complaints, misunderstandings and whatnot
4. have to deal with lots of other shits like admin work, dishwashing. insect extermination, groceries buying, cooking, etc etc (OH AND DEALING WITH UNREASONABLE COMPLAINTS AND WORK POLITICS - WOW COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY?!)
5. Cannot punish students in a way we deem fit, but yet are not given guidance on how the school/MOE would like us to discipline students (wow)
6. but yet get complained about when we are trying our best, ironically by the primary school's management itself, and to make it worse from our very own employers (the ones responsible for guiding us on how to deal with all these shits in the first place)
this is really stupid, i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i enjoy teaching the kids but how to concentrate on motivating and inspiring learning when i am constantly being put down for my efforts? 当坚持像无賴
translation: when perseverance seems like shamelessness
putting in voluntary time to plan fun and educational activities for the students/thinking of discipline matters to suit the school management, the company, the government and the parents (like how is that going to be done?!) and yet must work with the students
and i know all these is not going to be acknowledged, it might even seem rude/overbearing/authoritative/bossy/WRONG/ILLEGAL etc on my part.
but who cares, i'm shameless anyway. liking people who don't like me back. talking to people who ignore me. giving people who not only don't reciprocate but don't appreciate as well birthday presents, notes, caring texts, thoughts. for what all these. for what.
it just makes me question my self-worth all the more. as long as this goes on I'll never have the mental and emotional capacity to love another human being. not even my mother. my sister. my family.
Ah fuck it.
this was what i heard a few days ago from a group of girls advising their friend. just have a habit of eavesdropping they talked so loudly anyway.
so as much as I would love to teach and interact with students because they are much more sincere/caring/helpful/understanding/un-hypocritical/un-manipulative than adults i cannot because i know the gross ugliness of the education industry.
Educators (or at least educators working for this company):
1. Give in to parents' unreasonable demands.
2.Have unfair amounts of workload - as mentioned in previous posts i have a effing chao geng co-worker who continues to slack her ass off and suck up to the supervisor who laps it up
3. and said supervisor continues to live in sweet denial of the issues that are going on, refusing to delegate fair work to employees/have a meeting to clear up complaints, misunderstandings and whatnot
4. have to deal with lots of other shits like admin work, dishwashing. insect extermination, groceries buying, cooking, etc etc (OH AND DEALING WITH UNREASONABLE COMPLAINTS AND WORK POLITICS - WOW COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY?!)
5. Cannot punish students in a way we deem fit, but yet are not given guidance on how the school/MOE would like us to discipline students (wow)
6. but yet get complained about when we are trying our best, ironically by the primary school's management itself, and to make it worse from our very own employers (the ones responsible for guiding us on how to deal with all these shits in the first place)
this is really stupid, i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i enjoy teaching the kids but how to concentrate on motivating and inspiring learning when i am constantly being put down for my efforts? 当坚持像无賴
translation: when perseverance seems like shamelessness
putting in voluntary time to plan fun and educational activities for the students/thinking of discipline matters to suit the school management, the company, the government and the parents (like how is that going to be done?!) and yet must work with the students
and i know all these is not going to be acknowledged, it might even seem rude/overbearing/authoritative/bossy/WRONG/ILLEGAL etc on my part.
but who cares, i'm shameless anyway. liking people who don't like me back. talking to people who ignore me. giving people who not only don't reciprocate but don't appreciate as well birthday presents, notes, caring texts, thoughts. for what all these. for what.
it just makes me question my self-worth all the more. as long as this goes on I'll never have the mental and emotional capacity to love another human being. not even my mother. my sister. my family.
Ah fuck it.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Job
wow like seriously wow I thought all the shit that could have happened had already happened but apparently there is more shit. No, diarrhea.
I think this job is completely fucked up and is the working life really like that? or just life in Singapore?
so I betted on my A level results that I washed dishes since the first day of work. then I couldn't take it anymore and brought up this matter to the (not going to use the personal pronoun me here because I really really really don't like her now because yes well... more later)
OK so the first time I told her, I phrased my concern (or complaint if you screw the euphemism) in a diplomatic manner here, directly quote:
Dear (insert supervisor's name here) sorry for disturbing you after work, but is it okay if you rotate out shifts everyday so there is no one permanent dishwasher because now, what I observe it's whoever that takes the initiative will continue to wash and it can be tiring and subsequently affect job performance and hinder the SCC's (student care center) progress. Sorry for repeatedly bringing this matter up but I feel very stressed by it, thank you very much. I know you are also very stressed out by matters from the upper management, so do let me know what else I help with, thank you very much :)
and then she replied with a few lengthy messages about how she took note of that and I'm on the right track and if I have any other observations I should tell her and not keep her in the dark and 'just be u Claudia' ( WOW hypocritical much??) that she appreciates my feedback (hypocritical x2) that how she noticed that she gave staff task and not fulfilled accordingly etc etc ( but obviously she loves them because they are good at sucking up to her)
so it was only that and the next day which she delegated tasks accordingly and I was given other tasks to do other than washing dishes. but I still went to help out la because that was the only time all the staff (including the supervisor washing the dishes and I cannot just do nothing there so I went to help as well) then for the subsequent weeks like wow suddenly I'm back to washing dishes again because some very 'smart' co-workers effectively exempt themselves from this saikung and 'busy' themselves with some other supposedly 'important' matter like coaxing the students to eat their vegetables, disciplining the students and whatever fuck they deem important.
then today, at around 10pm I whatsapped the supervisor again because I really don't think this is fair at all (but life's unfair anyway so whatcha gonna do about it you whiny bitch) and I feel my back breaking so I whatsapped her again:
Me: Can I say something? Please don't be offended or anything, its about washing dishes, because most of the time its (insert another co-worker's name here who'd been washing dishes with me from time to time) washing. Sorry for complaining again but I feel very stressed
Supervisor: Sorry ah..This morning breakfast who do washing...yesterday...J (someone I'm acquainted to for 12 years whom I introduced to the job and I think she's really chao geng) did washing.... ( she has this thing for dots idk why like every message will have lots of this '.........' weird punctuation shit but that's besides the point )
so if you don't want to do it don't do it
Me: Sorry is there a misunderstanding? It's not that I'm not willing to do it but just not everytime that's all
Supervisor: Don't do it anymire If staff start to bring in on this.. not really willingly to do it..being calculative is not the centre (or center please re-learn your primary school English again dear boss) btw...it's up to you to think abt it...
Me: Sorry about this
I think this job is completely fucked up and is the working life really like that? or just life in Singapore?
so I betted on my A level results that I washed dishes since the first day of work. then I couldn't take it anymore and brought up this matter to the (not going to use the personal pronoun me here because I really really really don't like her now because yes well... more later)
OK so the first time I told her, I phrased my concern (or complaint if you screw the euphemism) in a diplomatic manner here, directly quote:
Dear (insert supervisor's name here) sorry for disturbing you after work, but is it okay if you rotate out shifts everyday so there is no one permanent dishwasher because now, what I observe it's whoever that takes the initiative will continue to wash and it can be tiring and subsequently affect job performance and hinder the SCC's (student care center) progress. Sorry for repeatedly bringing this matter up but I feel very stressed by it, thank you very much. I know you are also very stressed out by matters from the upper management, so do let me know what else I help with, thank you very much :)
and then she replied with a few lengthy messages about how she took note of that and I'm on the right track and if I have any other observations I should tell her and not keep her in the dark and 'just be u Claudia' ( WOW hypocritical much??) that she appreciates my feedback (hypocritical x2) that how she noticed that she gave staff task and not fulfilled accordingly etc etc ( but obviously she loves them because they are good at sucking up to her)
so it was only that and the next day which she delegated tasks accordingly and I was given other tasks to do other than washing dishes. but I still went to help out la because that was the only time all the staff (including the supervisor washing the dishes and I cannot just do nothing there so I went to help as well) then for the subsequent weeks like wow suddenly I'm back to washing dishes again because some very 'smart' co-workers effectively exempt themselves from this saikung and 'busy' themselves with some other supposedly 'important' matter like coaxing the students to eat their vegetables, disciplining the students and whatever fuck they deem important.
then today, at around 10pm I whatsapped the supervisor again because I really don't think this is fair at all (but life's unfair anyway so whatcha gonna do about it you whiny bitch) and I feel my back breaking so I whatsapped her again:
Me: Can I say something? Please don't be offended or anything, its about washing dishes, because most of the time its (insert another co-worker's name here who'd been washing dishes with me from time to time) washing. Sorry for complaining again but I feel very stressed
Supervisor: Sorry ah..This morning breakfast who do washing...yesterday...J (someone I'm acquainted to for 12 years whom I introduced to the job and I think she's really chao geng) did washing.... ( she has this thing for dots idk why like every message will have lots of this '.........' weird punctuation shit but that's besides the point )
so if you don't want to do it don't do it
Me: Sorry is there a misunderstanding? It's not that I'm not willing to do it but just not everytime that's all
Supervisor: Don't do it anymire If staff start to bring in on this.. not really willingly to do it..being calculative is not the centre (or center please re-learn your primary school English again dear boss) btw...it's up to you to think abt it...
Me: Sorry about this
I know I will improve on myself thanks
*Convo ends because she ignored me after that*
LIKE.
WHAT.
because before that she was the one who started going on and on about employment rights in our whatsapp group saying how she kept working overtime (730am-630pm) without overtime pay she even took the trouble to go online to share the link on the whatsapp group with us and then went on to talk about how the upper management is being really unethical and unreasonable and whatnot shit and a few times she talks about how the bosses are being really unreasonable and play the blame game whenever there're problems in the student care
so who's the calculative one here?
wow. seriously this is about proper delegation of work NOT about being calculative or whatnot
bitch if you want to talk about not being calculative why are you talking about getting overtime pay for yourself? wow seriously I learnt it from you my dear boss.
and she can still tell me to budget the groceries I buy for the students (like choose the cheaper alternatives - I pointed out to her we were using some ulu brand shitty full cream milk from Uruguay that costs $1.25 from the ABC thrift shop and she said it's ok the kids only drink it once a week for their breakfast cereal. and only small quantities are added into the milo)
then when I upgraded to milk to Magnolia low fat she says something along the lines of we have to budget, really, we got not enough everything is from my own wallet I need to reimburse back...
wow what happened to being not calculative????? then you don't reimburse back lor since you're so full of that holier-than-thou attitude
while you're at that why don't you sleep in the student care as well there're sleeping bags for you anyway. and a fridge you can freely use and showers in the girls' toilet too then you can work 24/7 and clear up your work in advance for the same amount of pay
and what else huh. don't eat your lunch and wash dishes than wipe the windows and tables and shelves and sweep and mop the floor since the students always mess up everything after you've cleaned it you can do that all over again
well since it's your 'center's forte' to not be 'calculative'
then don't complain about working unpaid long hours
don't complain about paying upfront for the student care center's expenses
don't fucking complain
if you're going to tell me not to be calculative
then I asked her about my salary a few times because it was not banked in so what now I'm being calculative too?? so you want to try working for free la bitch you wanna try
try doing CIP here it's helping the kids of disadvantaged families anyway I'm sure your holier-than-thou attitude works best here
=.= fuck this shit I'm just going to sleep
maybe the purpose in life is to sleep forever
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The salary
oh ok like wow. i mean i am seriously fucking appalled and angry and frustrated at the way things have come to. i just want to mope and sulk and cry and whine and moan about shit but hey i don't even have time for that. I have to put on t
his disgusting fake front and por the people i genuinely dislike. or 'hate' since i am so emotionally driven.
like seriously what is with the job, or the working world. it's like a hell like okay what
how come people can just slack their assess off and others have to work themselves to the bone and yet get the same pay and sometimes the slackers get more favoured by the bossess due to their skills at por-ing
so after living for 18 years and 41 days in this fucked up world i have come to the conclusion that everyone has a choice and if you have problems, you either:
1) suck it up; accept reality
2) move on
so at this job i have chosen to 1) suck it up; accept reality AKA life is unfair and I deserve it due to my inability at por-ing bla bla bla which is why i find myself washing cutlery plates etc every single fucking day (yes i am not kidding every single fucking day i swear on my A level results) while others are 'busy' with kids or supposedly more important stuff - but seriously what could be more important than washing dishes if there are no clean cutlery to use everyone would just die due to starvation, food poisoning etc etc
In order to gain the most out of it and take my da jie's very sound, very useful, amazing advice:
1) to treat everything as an experience to make you a better person to deal with challenges in the future instead of whining and complaining
because i am just a lowly part-timer and in every job the employee is supposed to clear shit for the employers not add to the employer's shit if not why would the employer hire you in the first place?
no one is going to give a fuck about what i think anyway since i 1) have no authority and 2) have only been in this job 31 days what makes me think i can do the job better than the bosses
WELL. sorry but i do think arrogantly that i can do a better job. firstly i would reduce the fucking pay of the workers like me because they really don't deserve so much for slacking and gushing at kids and sitting around eating the catered food meant for the kids but just had so much leftovers coz they are selfish'irresponsible/don't know how to estimate despite being highly educated individuals or simply do not give a shit like that
and wow i have not gotten my salary yet while the rest of my co-workers have. i mean i ran out of the house to the atm machine at fucking 11:35pm after knowing that the rest of them have received pay in the whatsapp group (mostly used to discuss frivolous things IMO) then discovering i am the unique one who wow haven't gotten the pay. then i just had to sit on the steps and started talking to myself and just whine and wallow in self pity all over again when i'd thought i'd gotten out of the vicious cycle
there was a very nice lady who works as a beer server in the kopitiam i think who came forward and asked me " B ni ok ma"
that was really consolation to know that someone is there, thank you very much whoever you are <3 p="">
then i continued talking myself out of those feelings
another thing to note if you are reading this and are confused:
the management here is really very messy IMO again, like despite having a planned monthly schedule to abide by my supervisor alters the schedule almost everyday. and the workers work overtime for nothing, (same thing, 'busy' ing themselves with supposedly important stuff) and just like that BAM! they get paid $10 per fucking hour like that!
who wouldn't want a job like that?
so if you are free to record anytime you want its already kind of like an open cheque
i mean my co--worker (also someone i've 'known' for 12 years) can just simply tag along to duplicate keys for the centre even after her shift ended but yet still come back and record the sign out time as the time she came back from the duplication of keys with another co-worker) which is around 2 hours more so yay $20 extra pay how smart gurrrrrl
and the number of times she actually washes the dishes can be counted with all the fingers in one hand
so i have been harping on this sorry i am trying to get over it and see this as a good experience - like how i can discover the fastest way to wash plates without breaking my back
how i can discover the fastest way to multi task and please my supervisor and still teach the kids
how i can maintain my sanity and not breakdown into angry, self-piteous tears and panic attacks on a daily basis and still interact with my co-workers in a friendly way even though i am cursing at them inside (so sorry about that i just had to)
something like that
there is so much resentment
so if any of the involved parties happen to read this then wow. okay you're going to believe what you want to believe anyway and debating about the problem won't solve the problem
so what now
his disgusting fake front and por the people i genuinely dislike. or 'hate' since i am so emotionally driven.
like seriously what is with the job, or the working world. it's like a hell like okay what
how come people can just slack their assess off and others have to work themselves to the bone and yet get the same pay and sometimes the slackers get more favoured by the bossess due to their skills at por-ing
so after living for 18 years and 41 days in this fucked up world i have come to the conclusion that everyone has a choice and if you have problems, you either:
1) suck it up; accept reality
2) move on
so at this job i have chosen to 1) suck it up; accept reality AKA life is unfair and I deserve it due to my inability at por-ing bla bla bla which is why i find myself washing cutlery plates etc every single fucking day (yes i am not kidding every single fucking day i swear on my A level results) while others are 'busy' with kids or supposedly more important stuff - but seriously what could be more important than washing dishes if there are no clean cutlery to use everyone would just die due to starvation, food poisoning etc etc
In order to gain the most out of it and take my da jie's very sound, very useful, amazing advice:
1) to treat everything as an experience to make you a better person to deal with challenges in the future instead of whining and complaining
because i am just a lowly part-timer and in every job the employee is supposed to clear shit for the employers not add to the employer's shit if not why would the employer hire you in the first place?
no one is going to give a fuck about what i think anyway since i 1) have no authority and 2) have only been in this job 31 days what makes me think i can do the job better than the bosses
WELL. sorry but i do think arrogantly that i can do a better job. firstly i would reduce the fucking pay of the workers like me because they really don't deserve so much for slacking and gushing at kids and sitting around eating the catered food meant for the kids but just had so much leftovers coz they are selfish'irresponsible/don't know how to estimate despite being highly educated individuals or simply do not give a shit like that
and wow i have not gotten my salary yet while the rest of my co-workers have. i mean i ran out of the house to the atm machine at fucking 11:35pm after knowing that the rest of them have received pay in the whatsapp group (mostly used to discuss frivolous things IMO) then discovering i am the unique one who wow haven't gotten the pay. then i just had to sit on the steps and started talking to myself and just whine and wallow in self pity all over again when i'd thought i'd gotten out of the vicious cycle
there was a very nice lady who works as a beer server in the kopitiam i think who came forward and asked me " B ni ok ma"
that was really consolation to know that someone is there, thank you very much whoever you are <3 p="">
then i continued talking myself out of those feelings
another thing to note if you are reading this and are confused:
the management here is really very messy IMO again, like despite having a planned monthly schedule to abide by my supervisor alters the schedule almost everyday. and the workers work overtime for nothing, (same thing, 'busy' ing themselves with supposedly important stuff) and just like that BAM! they get paid $10 per fucking hour like that!
who wouldn't want a job like that?
so if you are free to record anytime you want its already kind of like an open cheque
i mean my co--worker (also someone i've 'known' for 12 years) can just simply tag along to duplicate keys for the centre even after her shift ended but yet still come back and record the sign out time as the time she came back from the duplication of keys with another co-worker) which is around 2 hours more so yay $20 extra pay how smart gurrrrrl
and the number of times she actually washes the dishes can be counted with all the fingers in one hand
so i have been harping on this sorry i am trying to get over it and see this as a good experience - like how i can discover the fastest way to wash plates without breaking my back
how i can discover the fastest way to multi task and please my supervisor and still teach the kids
how i can maintain my sanity and not breakdown into angry, self-piteous tears and panic attacks on a daily basis and still interact with my co-workers in a friendly way even though i am cursing at them inside (so sorry about that i just had to)
something like that
there is so much resentment
so if any of the involved parties happen to read this then wow. okay you're going to believe what you want to believe anyway and debating about the problem won't solve the problem
so what now
Thursday, February 6, 2014
what are you doing?
so I got a job, worked at a job, conducted lessons, shouted at kids, prepared food for kids, talked to parents and basically just all sorts of random shit. i know i am incompetent and life is unfair and working life is shit and if I don't like it I either suck it up or ignore it and move on because the world doesn't revolve around me or serve to make me happy. That's the life motto of my best friend and mine too i guess.
The atmosphere at the workplace is stifling but still fun at the same time? Sharing about my job experiences with my friends and many of them are envious of my job "OH MY GOD THE KIDS SO CUTE!"
wow what a load of fucking bullshit.
i really cannot take it anymore, it's just so tiring and draining and there are just so many bloody MOE regulations to abide by. Here are just some of MOE rules that I find ridiculous and unreasonable (pardon the strong language here i am just so pissed off at the way things have turned out)"
1. No physical contact with the kids (this includes no hugging, no holding the kids' hands even)
2. Educators/ Life Coaches (that's the name of my job designation) should try to minimize shouting at the kids.
3. Not allowed to use harsh jargon (like cannot say 'I will punish you', "you get out of the class" etc)
4. Not allowed to bribe kids with sweets (unhealthy) makes them greedy or something, makes them too practical like they will only be good because of rewards (Oh really, Singapore? Isn't pragmatism what you've always been conditioning us to think) how hypocritical
5. No interaction with kids outside of class ( and you want us to play a, supposedly important part in their lives?)
this list is NOT exhaustive (like duh) MOE is just going to come up with more and more rules. thanks a lot. WOW.
like seriously double fucking wow. what do you want from me? i am trying my best here but obviously it's not only not good enough, it's even wrong.
i always thought that as long as i have a heart to teach the children the right values, the right behaviour and at the same time inspire them to think for themselves and stand up for what is right (yes having the ethical attitude to stand up for what is right is a motto of the primary school I am working in - it's printed in big words hanging on a signboard on the ceiling for everyone to see) proudly displayed, eh? but what is the underlying truth here?
students who stand up for what is right get scolded. because MOE says so.
i think this is really disgusting and full of shit. like the government has nothing better to do or really, just don't understand the situation here ( yes coming from a pathetic citizen like me who has only be in the job for 34 days WOW how dare i speak so insolently? do i want to die a horrible death?)
what's with all these fucked up policies? I know MOE do take parents' 'feedback' (or complains here, if you scrape the disgusting euphemisms MOE simply loves to use) seriously but think about it, aren't the parent's 'feedback' an outcome of MOE regulations in the first place? MOE has conditioned parents to think in a certain way, the complaints are just all part of MOE's scam.
so where does the root of the problem lie? i believe with all my heart that it is with MOE. i'm sorry i turned out this way MOE. I am a product of your policies for 19 fucking years. and now I'm screwing up the lives of the future generation.
so maybe this life is another planet's hell and I am put here to atone for some previous heinous crimes
and the mindfucking now is all just part and parcel of this shit
i can't do this anymore and i have being crying and hating myself wow what's new?
if the principal is going to scold me i have nothing to say really. because what use is there to argue with MOE? I am just a 19 year old teenager with a huge ego and almost zilch understanding of the world.
who is going to give a fuck about what i think? LOL
The atmosphere at the workplace is stifling but still fun at the same time? Sharing about my job experiences with my friends and many of them are envious of my job "OH MY GOD THE KIDS SO CUTE!"
wow what a load of fucking bullshit.
i really cannot take it anymore, it's just so tiring and draining and there are just so many bloody MOE regulations to abide by. Here are just some of MOE rules that I find ridiculous and unreasonable (pardon the strong language here i am just so pissed off at the way things have turned out)"
1. No physical contact with the kids (this includes no hugging, no holding the kids' hands even)
2. Educators/ Life Coaches (that's the name of my job designation) should try to minimize shouting at the kids.
3. Not allowed to use harsh jargon (like cannot say 'I will punish you', "you get out of the class" etc)
4. Not allowed to bribe kids with sweets (unhealthy) makes them greedy or something, makes them too practical like they will only be good because of rewards (Oh really, Singapore? Isn't pragmatism what you've always been conditioning us to think) how hypocritical
5. No interaction with kids outside of class ( and you want us to play a, supposedly important part in their lives?)
this list is NOT exhaustive (like duh) MOE is just going to come up with more and more rules. thanks a lot. WOW.
like seriously double fucking wow. what do you want from me? i am trying my best here but obviously it's not only not good enough, it's even wrong.
i always thought that as long as i have a heart to teach the children the right values, the right behaviour and at the same time inspire them to think for themselves and stand up for what is right (yes having the ethical attitude to stand up for what is right is a motto of the primary school I am working in - it's printed in big words hanging on a signboard on the ceiling for everyone to see) proudly displayed, eh? but what is the underlying truth here?
students who stand up for what is right get scolded. because MOE says so.
i think this is really disgusting and full of shit. like the government has nothing better to do or really, just don't understand the situation here ( yes coming from a pathetic citizen like me who has only be in the job for 34 days WOW how dare i speak so insolently? do i want to die a horrible death?)
what's with all these fucked up policies? I know MOE do take parents' 'feedback' (or complains here, if you scrape the disgusting euphemisms MOE simply loves to use) seriously but think about it, aren't the parent's 'feedback' an outcome of MOE regulations in the first place? MOE has conditioned parents to think in a certain way, the complaints are just all part of MOE's scam.
so where does the root of the problem lie? i believe with all my heart that it is with MOE. i'm sorry i turned out this way MOE. I am a product of your policies for 19 fucking years. and now I'm screwing up the lives of the future generation.
so maybe this life is another planet's hell and I am put here to atone for some previous heinous crimes
and the mindfucking now is all just part and parcel of this shit
i can't do this anymore and i have being crying and hating myself wow what's new?
if the principal is going to scold me i have nothing to say really. because what use is there to argue with MOE? I am just a 19 year old teenager with a huge ego and almost zilch understanding of the world.
who is going to give a fuck about what i think? LOL
Saturday, February 1, 2014
love & relationships
Coming from an all-girls' school environment, being in JC has been a culture shock to me. I don't understand the male sex and most of the time i disprove of their actions (e.g body building, evaluating the body shapes of girls, sexual jokes, chauvinism etc)
i don't see the need for male companionship i just want to be with my girlfriends. we can really talk about anything, any problems and talking to them, going out with them i can be myself and it just makes life so much more bearable. Yet when it comes to guys all i feel is inadequacy, ugliness and self-loathing. for a while i admit i do feel flattered and cared for a loved (more than a girl could ever make me feel) when a guy shows concern for me, offers to pay for meals, initiate conversations etc.
Recently I have been a receiver (or should I say victim?) of such male affection. For a while my head was up in the clouds and I felt this sense of euphoria that i've never felt in a long long time since my first boyfriend in secondary 2 and that stupid crush i had for a long time in sec 3 - jc1. we went out one on one together and it was fun, i was my awkwardly weird self but gradually opened up I guess, and i enjoyed these 'dates'? i don't think i got the wrong idea. He was too close, closer than a normal friend, texted frequently etc.
i don't like ambiguity so i reciprocated and my gestures weren't rejected. so i went for it and initiated a relationship.
he said no, and all i feel is confusion and rejection now. i know my self-worth is not determined by my relationship with him but i can't get stop feeling like this. i want to hide under my bed sheets and listen to eason chan wu yue tian passenger and bon iver and just heal myself you know? nothing hurts so exquisitely as unrequited love.
i don't know where I went wrong, I didn't initiate conversation or flirt first (read through my whatsapp history with him) i just replied normally (or so I thought) to his advances and it had to turn out this way. i tread cautiously with this but still this had to happen? i really don't know what to do anymore and i just want to run away from all this shit
i don't have many guy friends I just want to click well with one guy and just be in a mutually supporting relationship where both of us become better people.
where we listen to each other's problems, accept each other's flaws and make each other want to change for the better.
to know each other better and empathize with each other's pain and suddenly my own pain doesn't feel so painful anymore
to have a joint bank account in which we can save up for our future and have goals to work towards, have something to look forward to after each tiring day at work (all of my female co-workers are happily attached, having something to look forward to after work) I guess for me what I look forward to is how each day is a new experience for me moulding me into a better person for the next potential relationship that comes along. what the heck I've been trying to become physically attractive and buying nice clothes and generally turning to a materialistic lifestyle when previously i was not like that.
the change is too fast and i want it to stop i want to stay true to myself and just wear things i feel good in????? but my sadness makes me want to attract male attention more i really should stop this is not the way to get rid of this empty hollow feeling inside trying to build healthy relationships but nothing seems to work out
i don't see the need for male companionship i just want to be with my girlfriends. we can really talk about anything, any problems and talking to them, going out with them i can be myself and it just makes life so much more bearable. Yet when it comes to guys all i feel is inadequacy, ugliness and self-loathing. for a while i admit i do feel flattered and cared for a loved (more than a girl could ever make me feel) when a guy shows concern for me, offers to pay for meals, initiate conversations etc.
Recently I have been a receiver (or should I say victim?) of such male affection. For a while my head was up in the clouds and I felt this sense of euphoria that i've never felt in a long long time since my first boyfriend in secondary 2 and that stupid crush i had for a long time in sec 3 - jc1. we went out one on one together and it was fun, i was my awkwardly weird self but gradually opened up I guess, and i enjoyed these 'dates'? i don't think i got the wrong idea. He was too close, closer than a normal friend, texted frequently etc.
i don't like ambiguity so i reciprocated and my gestures weren't rejected. so i went for it and initiated a relationship.
he said no, and all i feel is confusion and rejection now. i know my self-worth is not determined by my relationship with him but i can't get stop feeling like this. i want to hide under my bed sheets and listen to eason chan wu yue tian passenger and bon iver and just heal myself you know? nothing hurts so exquisitely as unrequited love.
i don't know where I went wrong, I didn't initiate conversation or flirt first (read through my whatsapp history with him) i just replied normally (or so I thought) to his advances and it had to turn out this way. i tread cautiously with this but still this had to happen? i really don't know what to do anymore and i just want to run away from all this shit
i don't have many guy friends I just want to click well with one guy and just be in a mutually supporting relationship where both of us become better people.
where we listen to each other's problems, accept each other's flaws and make each other want to change for the better.
to know each other better and empathize with each other's pain and suddenly my own pain doesn't feel so painful anymore
to have a joint bank account in which we can save up for our future and have goals to work towards, have something to look forward to after each tiring day at work (all of my female co-workers are happily attached, having something to look forward to after work) I guess for me what I look forward to is how each day is a new experience for me moulding me into a better person for the next potential relationship that comes along. what the heck I've been trying to become physically attractive and buying nice clothes and generally turning to a materialistic lifestyle when previously i was not like that.
the change is too fast and i want it to stop i want to stay true to myself and just wear things i feel good in????? but my sadness makes me want to attract male attention more i really should stop this is not the way to get rid of this empty hollow feeling inside trying to build healthy relationships but nothing seems to work out
19th Birthday
HI JS so here's the post i promised where's your post too
My birthday.
Nothing to celebrate about, really. it just makes one feel emptier and inadequate.
so i was discussing the celebration of this stupid life event with JS and it's comfort to know she feels the same way as me (just read her blog and it provides motivation and peace)
my mind is burdened with shit so I can't really put my point clearly across but i'll try my best:
Before my birthday i was expecting something, a surprise and shit like that. i know i shouldn't be expecting much because i didn't do much to warrant that kind of importance to actually have a surprise planned in my name. friends were also very busy with their new working lives. i don/t know why but i put a lot of importance on birthdays, sending a birthday SMS i feel, is much more sincere than facebook messaging birthday wishes (like people facebook birthday wish others simply because the other party had wished him/her before so where's the sincerity in that?)
as expected, the number of birthday wishes i got in text/whatsapp even on facebook dwindled lots this year. previous years i had 35> friends facebook wishing me and 10> birthday smses but i guess people just grow apart? Even when i went out with my friend who had the same birthday as me to spend our birthdays together i was the one who got her a birthday present and card (though it was rushed- I only made the card and bought the present on that very day) but the fact is she didnt reciprocate that gesture so I guess that says a lot about our relationship, we weren't as close as I thought we were.
another thing, even when people throw you birthday surprise parties in your name it just feels like an obligatory gesture instead of a genuine one. You don't feel happy, you feel indebted instead, and you'd have to repay it back on their birthdays. (as quoted from JS) furthermore i think people throw birthday parties to make a statement of what a good friend they are and to feel superficially socially good? (I don't know, like to have a reason to call out people to come together as a sign of how great their friendship is because they'd actually took so much time off their busy schedules to plan a freaking birthday party)
Even my best friends didn't wish me (once again i guess that says a lot about our friendship) i make it a point to give birthday presents (pragmatic ones) to friends each year, but year after year i feel more and more neglected when that gesture is not reciprocated. and don't give me that shit about to not expect things in return when you do something bla bla. You try to apply it to your life and you realise how difficult it is? it's no longer about being the nice person, the kind, the easy going, the one who doesn't hold grudges, the good friend anymore, because it just puts a statement on the how bad I am at maintaining relationships. even though i felt i tried my best to be a good friend to everyone i meet.
I'm a crowd pleaser.
on a lighter note, I am really thankful to receive some really sincere gifts from a few friends. - it's not about the cost of the presents really, a birthday card would do just fine to re-establish our relationship to re-assure each other that we are still good friends. but i get lesser cards each year.
am i overthinking shit again? i really hate being like that and want to learn not to take life so seriously. i want to learn how to deal with rejection and relationships distancing and shit like that. i really really really want to.
My birthday.
Nothing to celebrate about, really. it just makes one feel emptier and inadequate.
so i was discussing the celebration of this stupid life event with JS and it's comfort to know she feels the same way as me (just read her blog and it provides motivation and peace)
my mind is burdened with shit so I can't really put my point clearly across but i'll try my best:
Before my birthday i was expecting something, a surprise and shit like that. i know i shouldn't be expecting much because i didn't do much to warrant that kind of importance to actually have a surprise planned in my name. friends were also very busy with their new working lives. i don/t know why but i put a lot of importance on birthdays, sending a birthday SMS i feel, is much more sincere than facebook messaging birthday wishes (like people facebook birthday wish others simply because the other party had wished him/her before so where's the sincerity in that?)
as expected, the number of birthday wishes i got in text/whatsapp even on facebook dwindled lots this year. previous years i had 35> friends facebook wishing me and 10> birthday smses but i guess people just grow apart? Even when i went out with my friend who had the same birthday as me to spend our birthdays together i was the one who got her a birthday present and card (though it was rushed- I only made the card and bought the present on that very day) but the fact is she didnt reciprocate that gesture so I guess that says a lot about our relationship, we weren't as close as I thought we were.
another thing, even when people throw you birthday surprise parties in your name it just feels like an obligatory gesture instead of a genuine one. You don't feel happy, you feel indebted instead, and you'd have to repay it back on their birthdays. (as quoted from JS) furthermore i think people throw birthday parties to make a statement of what a good friend they are and to feel superficially socially good? (I don't know, like to have a reason to call out people to come together as a sign of how great their friendship is because they'd actually took so much time off their busy schedules to plan a freaking birthday party)
Even my best friends didn't wish me (once again i guess that says a lot about our friendship) i make it a point to give birthday presents (pragmatic ones) to friends each year, but year after year i feel more and more neglected when that gesture is not reciprocated. and don't give me that shit about to not expect things in return when you do something bla bla. You try to apply it to your life and you realise how difficult it is? it's no longer about being the nice person, the kind, the easy going, the one who doesn't hold grudges, the good friend anymore, because it just puts a statement on the how bad I am at maintaining relationships. even though i felt i tried my best to be a good friend to everyone i meet.
I'm a crowd pleaser.
on a lighter note, I am really thankful to receive some really sincere gifts from a few friends. - it's not about the cost of the presents really, a birthday card would do just fine to re-establish our relationship to re-assure each other that we are still good friends. but i get lesser cards each year.
am i overthinking shit again? i really hate being like that and want to learn not to take life so seriously. i want to learn how to deal with rejection and relationships distancing and shit like that. i really really really want to.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Euphemistic language
So I've began working since the 2nd of January 2014 and I am feeling so stressed though it's only a part time job. i feel suffocated and dying. like i hate everything about my life all over again even though i've planned my fucking new year's resolutions.
Why?
So I'm working in a student care - taking care of students and helping with washing, tutoring, character development and such. The job itself is great - getting to know kids and their childlike naviety is so fufilling and enjoyable. But the office politics is fucked up and i cannot take it. Fuck i hate it and i want to just give up.
can i have a job that requires minimal social interaction?
Anyway I introduced this job to many of my friends because i thought it would be nice to have some company and you know - more communication platforms as there is already a foundation of friendship WOW BUT WHAT I AM SADLY MISTAKEN i feel like a sad fuck
because apparently when you have friends working with you it's hard to stand your ground and be objective because you are always emotionally driven - on account of the stupid friendship.
so we had to buy groceries for the student care today and we were given a sum of money to buy things from a stock list. so me and friend went to the nearby neighbourhood shops to get the things. to cut costs we bought most of the things from the ABC thrift shop. and friend say wu eh bo eh stuffs:
1) a special oil absorbent sponge ($0.80)
2) an egg cutter ($1.50)
i said to call the supervisor first before buying anything that's not on the list and friend agreed. called and no answer coz supervisor was busy with kids. so i said to call after we got everything. she went ahead to put it in the basket. THEN i said what if we got into trouble for buying unnecessary items she said nevermind its only $1.50 and $0.80 its okay one. (wow what the fuck) and she's okay with paying from her own pocket.
but in the end she didnt pay from her own pocket and used the company money for groceries instead.
then we went to get 60 eggs and i carried the eggs while she pushed the grocery trolley (wow how smart)
then we went back to the centre. there was a science tutor that teaches badly so one of the staff had to watch him to give constructive feedback she was quick to volunteer herself for that duty and told me to pack away the purchased groceries into the pantry. then as i was the fucking groceries-purchase in charge i had to give the receipts to the supervisor. supervisor asked me one by one what was everything for and when i said sponge she was like 'huh i already bought' so i apologised and tried to save my sorry ass (not really mine?? whose fault is this whole stupid shit anyway) by saying that it's oil absorbent. tried to cover up the stupid egg cutter process by saying it's disposable gloves (compulsory item on the list) as the receipt doesn't explicitly state the purchases.
AND SO. WOW. what kind of shit i got myself into? people who speak euphemistic language always wins. what happened to the cold hard truth, does it not have a place in today's society anymore
i feel so fucking stressed now what the fuck, what other shit do i have to go through int the following months. well not to mention the release of the A fucking level results which friend will definitely compare with me. i try to be acceptive of different ways of working but i cannot compromise when she just anyhow. like there are fucking rules and regulations right. it's so hard to fit in. i have to be cheery and strict and firm and able to pai ma pi all at the same time like how??? like how??????
my co-workers are really friendly and cheery but i cannot do that. it's not me. i will put in my best into the job and own up to my mistakes but please be fair here ok. why do people get to avoid the shit duties and still get good reviews.
maybe i am over thinking here and being idealistic as usual
but i am really sick and tired of all this life. what happened to teamwork? everybody working together to achieve prosperity and progress for our nation. only the most trusted part timer gets to know all the inner workings of the company while the others stick to their routine duties? why can't all the workers know about all the workings of the company why keep secrets from each other to put yourself on a moral high ground
does this make you a better human being?
does it?
is this the way the world works?
so i better stick to my own job and don't do anything more or less. even when it comes to the kids. no being a friend to them. no emotional investment. no character development (heck i dont even have childcare training) no nothing. just don't say anything and talk only of homework.
be boring. be impartial. be smart. be euphemistic. be hypocritical. just dont be yourself.
is it?????
i love this kid so much he is from a single parent family and he calls me jie jie and asks me to eat with him it is so heartwarming and i feel socially accepted but i can't be his friend anyway
Why?
So I'm working in a student care - taking care of students and helping with washing, tutoring, character development and such. The job itself is great - getting to know kids and their childlike naviety is so fufilling and enjoyable. But the office politics is fucked up and i cannot take it. Fuck i hate it and i want to just give up.
can i have a job that requires minimal social interaction?
Anyway I introduced this job to many of my friends because i thought it would be nice to have some company and you know - more communication platforms as there is already a foundation of friendship WOW BUT WHAT I AM SADLY MISTAKEN i feel like a sad fuck
because apparently when you have friends working with you it's hard to stand your ground and be objective because you are always emotionally driven - on account of the stupid friendship.
so we had to buy groceries for the student care today and we were given a sum of money to buy things from a stock list. so me and friend went to the nearby neighbourhood shops to get the things. to cut costs we bought most of the things from the ABC thrift shop. and friend say wu eh bo eh stuffs:
1) a special oil absorbent sponge ($0.80)
2) an egg cutter ($1.50)
i said to call the supervisor first before buying anything that's not on the list and friend agreed. called and no answer coz supervisor was busy with kids. so i said to call after we got everything. she went ahead to put it in the basket. THEN i said what if we got into trouble for buying unnecessary items she said nevermind its only $1.50 and $0.80 its okay one. (wow what the fuck) and she's okay with paying from her own pocket.
but in the end she didnt pay from her own pocket and used the company money for groceries instead.
then we went to get 60 eggs and i carried the eggs while she pushed the grocery trolley (wow how smart)
then we went back to the centre. there was a science tutor that teaches badly so one of the staff had to watch him to give constructive feedback she was quick to volunteer herself for that duty and told me to pack away the purchased groceries into the pantry. then as i was the fucking groceries-purchase in charge i had to give the receipts to the supervisor. supervisor asked me one by one what was everything for and when i said sponge she was like 'huh i already bought' so i apologised and tried to save my sorry ass (not really mine?? whose fault is this whole stupid shit anyway) by saying that it's oil absorbent. tried to cover up the stupid egg cutter process by saying it's disposable gloves (compulsory item on the list) as the receipt doesn't explicitly state the purchases.
AND SO. WOW. what kind of shit i got myself into? people who speak euphemistic language always wins. what happened to the cold hard truth, does it not have a place in today's society anymore
i feel so fucking stressed now what the fuck, what other shit do i have to go through int the following months. well not to mention the release of the A fucking level results which friend will definitely compare with me. i try to be acceptive of different ways of working but i cannot compromise when she just anyhow. like there are fucking rules and regulations right. it's so hard to fit in. i have to be cheery and strict and firm and able to pai ma pi all at the same time like how??? like how??????
my co-workers are really friendly and cheery but i cannot do that. it's not me. i will put in my best into the job and own up to my mistakes but please be fair here ok. why do people get to avoid the shit duties and still get good reviews.
maybe i am over thinking here and being idealistic as usual
but i am really sick and tired of all this life. what happened to teamwork? everybody working together to achieve prosperity and progress for our nation. only the most trusted part timer gets to know all the inner workings of the company while the others stick to their routine duties? why can't all the workers know about all the workings of the company why keep secrets from each other to put yourself on a moral high ground
does this make you a better human being?
does it?
is this the way the world works?
so i better stick to my own job and don't do anything more or less. even when it comes to the kids. no being a friend to them. no emotional investment. no character development (heck i dont even have childcare training) no nothing. just don't say anything and talk only of homework.
be boring. be impartial. be smart. be euphemistic. be hypocritical. just dont be yourself.
is it?????
i love this kid so much he is from a single parent family and he calls me jie jie and asks me to eat with him it is so heartwarming and i feel socially accepted but i can't be his friend anyway
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