i really think it's so tiring to go to school and face everyone. i have to be happy because my classmates are so nice to me and asking about my diarrhea. i didn't know how to reply to the concern shown. but you know i never wanted you to do that for me.
but i want you to do this for me, ok? or rather it's not for me but i think it's under your call of duty. what gives me the moral right to speak this way? what the heck.
preparing a new face for every face i meet. everyday. being someone of many faces. but this does not mean i'm a hypocrite. i am young and do not know who i want to be, who i am yet, so i'm experimenting with faces.
what is the point of all this? i ruminate. i cannot be unhappy, i must be contented, because i have it better off then others. 比上不足 比下有余 there's no end to this comparison.
i keep complaining. when will this stop? reflected on my reasons for complaining, for finding fault with my teachers' teaching, (seems like I'm the only one who is so vexed and complains about this?) to put it in general terms, i feel that societal wants justified my wants. what the society thinks shapes my mind. what the fuck then I'm just a puppet of the society, without a fucking mind of my own.
i really cannot accept teachers who are very relaxed, i like stressed teachers. who always constantly remind me I'm going to die and the world will chew me up and spit me out if i do not get A's. and then actually put in effort to teach and motivate their students. like 'you're improving' (no this is not some building self-esteem extreme praise shit) but just to inculcate passion for learning... i love that. how come i don't feel it now? I used to feel it all the time in St Nicks with Miss Yee Lin Lao Shi and Miss Jacq Lee Miss Candy Lee and Mdm Lee but the feeling is all gone now. i no longer feel the pride and energy and 热血. i'm just flopping everywhere and doing things on auto-pilot. why make learning so difficult? sometimes i even think sucking-up to teachers become necessary, a pre-requisite for doing well. what warped logic. do i need to be well-liked to do well in exams? (to a certain extent, yes.) i need to be pretty to be pleasing to people's eyes so they will like to talk to me. there is really more emphasis on looks, physical beauty every since i came into jc.
'she very pretty right'
'he's damn hot'
'see his body'
'her legs waaaaaa'
i can go on and on. this is what i hear. and stalking pretty girls'/guys' instagrams have become pasttimes. where have the days where pure friendships built on mutual respect and trust and sisterly love gone to. i desire the warmth and love of SN. i miss it so much, all i can think about is what could have been, if only i could turn back time i'd treasure all my teachers and classmates, participate actively in class activities.
will it be the same for pj. will i desire its touch and hoard its foolscap papers and wear its shirts (almost) everywhere i go.
i have repeatedly complained to many people about the way things are and they have told me to depend on myself and not expect much of other people. but this very same person was the one who depended on me for favours, and i was really tempted to return her words. 'hey don't expect too much of me yo' but i try my best to fufill the favours anyway.
i cannot accept it when teachers are biased. how other teachers are so caring etc towards their students and mine isn't. then i start thinking is there a problem with me that the teacher doesn't want to teach me. (in other words, assuming) am i not hardworking enough.
fuck it. i should stop caring about the teacher not caring.
like the competition. teachers train only the best, the one with the most potential, and heck the one that's pointless to train anyway. because that's pragmatic. even if you try so hard on your own. even if you're serious about the competition and really want to win. even if all these things.
like IS. can't say anything on a public platform because that will only result in more unhappiness and misunderstanding. so just swallow it up yes. because it won't change anything.
i will adopt a 3rd person narrative.
she was just a girl, who kept complaining about him, her teacher. she did not like the way he taught. how he devoted long hours to other students and not to her. she felt neglected, she felt insignificant, she felt worthless, she hated studying.
then they had to do a project for their national examination. her teacher once again was relaxed but she constantly freaked out. she was afraid she couldn't do well. she did not want to look back at her life and regret what could have been if she had tried harder. but what was stopping her? she did not want to come off as bossy, rude, unreasonable, pestering her teacher to give her more consultations. she tried her best to complete the project. she had very few consultations but others had a lot. they were more hardworking than her. they pestered the teacher. they asked and asked. others had other teachers who spoonfed. in the end, it was uncertain if she did the project correctly as there was no time for another consultation. how late it was, how late. she could have fucked up badly. but she could only blame herself. she was lazy and not kiasu enough like the other students. she did not prioritise. she could not do with brief explanations. she needed long naggings and repetition. she was not suited for the education system. she was left behind. she failed. her friends told her she had no business taking up so much of the teacher's time, he had a family too.
this was her problem. it was always her problem, always had been. she had no right to be unhappy, no right to complain. she did not understand social norms. she deserved her fate.
OK. dramatic monologue here. in a 3rd person account. anyway if i am ever a teacher i will love every single student (unless they are really incorrigible but still as a teacher i will try my best) and teach those who are willing to learn at the expanse of my personal life and my free time. unless i am very tired and need to eat/sleep/shit absolutely necessary if not i will teach and nurture my students. i will teach them proper values. i will not slack and have a heck care attitude and leave them hanging and regretting. i will not show favouritism. no matter what. even though this is a gray area thing. i will really really help those who are very disadvantaged. (like don't have a happy family, v poor or something) like put in extra effort to help them. because it sucks to be rejected by your teachers. it sucks to have your hard work and efforts not reciprocated (or even appreciated/recognised) by your teacher. it fucking sucks.
