Another statistic

screwed up and angry and tired and sick of myself and sick of life it takes everything in me not to do end this. i dont know how i am going to go about ending this but all i know i would be so much happier ending it. it would be true happiness. then i think about the suicides. the one that happened 3 years ago in my school and the recent one in NUS and i think, they are just another statistic. to be used in political conferences, to be used in seminars, discussions, debates, in gp essays, another example cited.
and when will i soon be added to that list of statistics? all of us face problems, obstacles, and they say the strongest ones are those who don't give up, and fight all the way.
but you know what? I am tired, so fucking tired, i want to scream and shout and cry and howl but no one's there.
it takes so much courage to give up on yourself and accept what you've become, a failure, a hopeless failure.
instead of living in fantasy and thinking you're going to make it somehow.
when will we stop lying to ourselves?
this is my life. can i decide what i want to do with it? why must everyday of my life be such a mundane task, an onerous responsibility and I have to do what you expect of me or feel bad for the rest of my life. feel guilt, hate myself. why do i owe it to all of you what i do with my life
i don't want to engage in anymore social activities. i can't love myself, i can't love my family. i can't love anyone.
please leave me to my solitude.
let me wallow in self pity.
that's what i do best, so leave me
see, we know the situation before us is so fucking hopeless, and we continue to fight stubbornly, for what? can we ever be courageous enough to end our pathetic lives?
yes, i hope i can. that would be the only right thing i do with my life.
i dont want a job
i dont want an a level certificate
i dont want a family
i dont want my life
but do i have a choice
all these things have been forced upon me, you think i'm so fucking lucky but these things are curses i have to constantly live up to them
and i dont want to, i really dont want to
fuck

School

so my classmate thought i hated the school i am in because it wasn't elitist.
the exact question was 'if (insert school name here) became a top school, would you still hate it?"
i know i hated the school for a good whole year but the reason was never because it wasn't a top school/elitist/produced top scorers etc academic stuffs but it lies in the people i formed relationships with that shaped my perspectives, my feelings
My civics tutor scolded me for donating $2 for the school's fund-raising and she went on to compare me to people from FAS who were able to donate $25.
then she basically gave me the evil eye whenever she saw me
so i did not have a good experience
and became a hater
now i guess its better
but still
now the principals know
LOL
the end
but i know one teacher's words does not equal the entire school
so its okay
she is insignificant to me
just like how I am insignificant to the school until i start posting hate posts
your good is rarely recognised, your bads are always highlighted

i ate shit

i ate shit, yesterday.
i like saying that. it makes me feel liberated. i like eating shit too. i feel special.
what is going on with the world i do not know see like always i am at a loss for words and i can't love my family. all i want is to be left alone, away.
i feel weird and crappy and sometimes i wished i had the courage to end my life. coz i always end up in this constant state of existential depression and i lose people i love, between loving them too much and loving them too little
see i dont know what to do, and the things i do,
they always turn out wrong
i just dont want to screw up anymore,

i can't narrate heartfelt thoughts here because somehow it always comes across as offensive or stupid and i dont want to be like that?

i like my school now and i hope it likes me too and i admit i wasn't very likeable in the past i do hate myself too, all the time.