run the fuck away

i feel like a stupid fucker ):
very very stupid. i thought my life would turn for the better but it has not. it is becoming shittier and shittier each day. i can just feel it. what if i fail eoys. then how. fuck. where is my life? i have been failing like shit and now the shit has become diarrhoea. shit shit shit it. isnt my command of english really disgusting. i dont know why i talk/type like that either. i should shut the fuck up and just get on with rotting and being the stupid seat filler i has always been. i feel gross and disgusting. like i dont belong in my skin? why am i so fucking weird? and i am always late for school despite all the efforts i have put in. even spending 14 dollars on the taxi does not make me on time. i feel so screwed hahaha. i hate coming online. why do i hate coming online? because appear offline so i dont feel left out that no one comes to talk to me. why do i resort to such acts. i need to make myself feel better. i need to play an important part in some people's life. i need to be involved in peoples life. correct. why i cannot. why do i need to fuck off from peoples life. probably i should shut up now
oh yeah and i hate it when i forget to shit before i go to school. then i need to shit in the disgusting squat toilets because i dont want to get pimples on my ass by using the seat toilets. then i cannot enjoy my shit and the whole day gets shittier and shittier and when the day finally ends i am suffocated and strangled by a mountain of shit. tell me what is the purpose in my life? why do i exist like this? why does the school need so many students to do the same papers? what the heck. i am not cut out for studying.
fuck fuck fuck i am disgusted by myself how. left 19 days and 55 chapters and i havent start anything can you believe it. i will fail definitely for sure right. not everyone can re live their sec 3 lives and be young like me right. no time left already. i need not study because it is so fucking pointless. i will not fight life anymore because it always wins and i am fucking tired. i need to run the fuck away. today i was very scared and freaked i know if i fail i can just go and die and will need to murder myself. the thought scares me okay. and i needed to go bang my head on the wall or something to stop feeling so freaked and screwed. i hate the way i act too. why do i have such a face and body? everytime i am either defined by the way i look or the grades i get. why is my life defined like this. why am i defined like this. it was obviously a stupid mistake to get into st nicks right. i was only accepted cause they got extra space or something. the stupid PSLE score doesnt prove anything okay. i had alot of expensive tuition to get that stupid mark which is not proportioned to the money spent on getting it lah. so now no more expensive tuition means no hope. there is no such thing as nothing is impossible. can a one legged man run a kilometre in 2 minutes. can someone who failed eoys promote to sec4? there is no such fucking thing. such nonsensical quotes just make people feel stupid and worthless. i screwed up my life havent i. even my mother says so. "because you never listen to me"
i hate the way i exist. i dont understand any fuck now. why is everything so hard.
now i must go and sleep because that is the only way to not feel freaked about the deep shit i am in now. it is like quicksand shit. i cannot get out and i cannot fight it because it will be worse.
oh yes. melissapong smells like baby powder! <3
i am surrounded by cute people.
andrea yinsiang kiayuen florence grace lokyan maryanne xiaoyou. <3 we have alot of happy together. next year i wont get to see them anymore. see this is how screwed my life is isnt it. i hate the heat capacity thingy i dont understand it even after staring so fucking long. and tomorrow i will be late for school again. stupid.
i cannot die so early i scared. i also want to have a big big obituary and a lot of descendants. and i havent do a lot of things yet right. i will never get to do it what. why is everything so hard. i am sorry. and i hate yesterday because it was lantern fest and i never go and hold lantern in the park and play with candles and drink tea and eat mooncake and guess light riddles. i am being unwanted. i dont belong anywhere shit. my presence is not essential. it is not even wanted. i need to be wanted. i need to be needed.
okay byebye i need to sleep because that is what i do best.