"you're going to face lots of emotional and psychological challenges, how do you deal with stress?" i ball it all up inside, and remember that nothing really matters because one day, i'm just going to be dead. 

i am stupid

it's so hard to communicate with people and I don't want to try anymore
everyone is just gonna think they are right and portray themselves as a saint so what the fucks the point of explaining yourself anymore
I'm supposed to be more positive and stuff but all this shit is happening and what do you expect me to do?!!!! (me standing on moral high ground now because i'm portraying myself to be the victimized one here see get my point?)
I realize how true it is that the key to a happy family life is not to have a family at all, or at least one that does not live together.
I no longer feel at home anymore, ok, I am a fucking loser that's getting naughtier and rebellious and don't deserve such a nice family. I should die
if only we didn't live together we would not have to go through all this shit.
why should families live together? fuck this
I don't even know how to talk to you anymore ok I want to live in my own world because there is peace in this way. why are people forcing me to be happy can't they see its so hard and I am trying but it just doesn't work and you continue to do shit that I cannot understand (so maybe the problem is just me you can just leave me to rot it's okay I won't bother you anymore)
just put the blame on me. because I shouldn't even be saying all this shit because I've committed so many unforgivable mistakes but if it's the adults who commit mistakes somehow it's okay? because they have money and bring the bread and butter home while I don't. this is the logic that family is based upon this is how family works and nothing I do/say will ever change it. unless I can bring in more money than them

it gets harder and harder each day

the more I am on social media, the more depressed I feel. People posting happy pictures on instagram and uni orientation pictures on facebook. i really don't like this happiness. then i read a TIME article i could relate to. it said something along the lines of, 'would you do that if you could not tell anyone about it?' --like a litmus paper test. like would i attend this social gathering if i nobody posted/talked about this on social media. something like that to ask yourself first before you proceed w the activity.

emotionally unavailable
i try to maintain a cordial relationship with people but it is so hard and i don't want to do it anymore. (sorry I'm so socially unadaptable) its so difficult to hold a conversation i can't help feeling if they're judging me from every dimension and i always say weird inappropriate things. don't know how people can speak so naturally. how?
and there's an ex-classmate i no longer talk to and i don't understand, i can't understand why. if i didn't do anything to spoil the relationship, why did that relationship end? Why? why do we just stop talking to each other. if its again the cliché reason of 'things just happen, things change, people change' bla bla then i guess it's better to not invest so much in relationships, not reveal too much of yourself to people because all these will be used against you one day. people gossip. ever since i entered this school i don't know why but everyone is so image-conscious. seeing pretty pictures on instagram and liking them.
pictures with '84' likes etc, but that picture was cleary photoshopped/edited/meant to show off someone's happiness. (see i cannot take that because i am grumpy and hate the world, sorry if my vp is reading this) like i know i still am angry at life and shit and trapped in negativity but everyone just seems so distant
it's so hard to understand people anymore, and i can't do it
and then i read another blog (of a person i know, but don't talk to anymore, because i just suck at maintaining relationships) and he was blogging about how at uni camps, games are like BGR-oriented, need to play games that involve lots of unnecessary physical contact and people still play them coz they don't want to be socially outcasted/judged.
so is this what it means to be socially adaptable then? to blend in with the norm and try so very hard to be like the rest and do what they do even if i don't agree with it.
do we still stand by our principles? it's so hard.
can we bond without all that frill and fluff
can we be closer
can i be closer to my classmates
can i maintain that comfortable relationships with my primary school friends
can i mend broken relationships
can i get people to like me?

i met my vice principal. talked to her twice. i think she's a nice and encouraging person. but the circumstances we interacted in wasn't that nice. she must have a bad impression of me. but the words she said were meaningful. she told me i have to grow up and stop being so negative else i will suffer for the rest of my life and lose all my friends 
ok, i will try. among all these shit i will find my way

Everything you say.

So recently I've been thinking how mundane and pointless life really is.
and how there's so much to do yet so little time, so why not don't do anything? since all your efforts would be futile anyway.
I keep thinking of words and living in the past. when I went back to St nicks for the fiesta the feeling was just amazing and I want to stay in that moment forever and always. talking to my st nicks friends and the memories just start gushing in (because like when you meet up with old friends you talk about old things and past events something like that) and I remember everything my sn teachers said. they are so motherly and caring and I feel so safe with them. like the world isn't as scary anymore. everything they say has that impact on me and I miss them so much I can't move on because I want to remain in my secondary school days forever. and people who focus on the past are never happy.
I feel the familiar scent of my math teacher as I just lie on the hall floor and breathe in the memories and essence of sn. how I wish I never had to grow up and deal with life.
it's so fucking tiring and today I slept like 5 times. (on the floor, on the bed, on the table, on the sofa, on the chair everywhere) because I don't want to wake up and face this compulsory education.
and another thing
Piano Exam
I hate how something so enjoyable and something so personal has to be made into a standardized test. ---referring to piano exam/or any musical instrument exam. like it's the way I interpret the music, why must it be subjected to the biased judgement of one examiner. one person. and the exam is so fucking expensive. learning how to play the piano has made me feel fucking pathetic. like I've wasted my life away. damn it, I want to have a slow pace of life. (e.g study for A'levels in 4 years) but everything is so rushed I cannot understand anything fully enough. it's so stupid. and the way my piano teacher teaches me is so fucked up I cannot explain it in words. everytime I play the piano in front of her I feel so stressed and screw up everything. piano lessons are hell on earth. almost everytime after her lesson I must sit downstairs and cry/weep/think/be fucking miserable before I take the public transport coz I cant be looking like shit and attracting weird stares from people. i feel so agitated everytime i go there i want to stab her with my pen and crush the piano coz it's causing me so much pain. damn it music is supposed to liberate the soul, to be enjoyed. not this. and she always fucking compares me with RJ people and how good they are and how mediocre i am. and i talk back in my head. ('hello, FYI got rj people become taxi drivers also, not all of them are billionaires and geniuses k, they are human beings too, their shit isn't anymore fragrant than mine) like they fart and shit and eat and pee and do things like poor/uneducated people do so what makes them more superior.
ok anyway i really hate her and you know what she has taught me for 13 years. 13 fucking long years oh my god and she thinks she knows me really well and i know nothing about her lol. all i know is she really wants to be in the upper class. she is fucking elitist. she is westernized. she loves money. she is narrow minded, coz she uses the same teaching method on every student, so they all turn out to be clones of each other. ha ha ha. no individuality in the music they produce
that's all
and a teacher is supposed to be encouraging and motivational, stimulate learning, etc. (if there's no learning, there's no education) she does not make me learn, just imposes her fucking values (are they even values?) on me. i feel so suffocated and tense and nervous thanks. from learning the piano for 13 years and i understand no shit. AT ALL.
for example in the piano exam, there is an aural component where candidates are supposed to sing and name chords and describe musical features and she ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO TEACH ME COZ SHE SAYS I CANNOT SING HENCE IT IS POINTLESS TO TEACH ME like i don't have perfect pitch and hence cannot identify chords so i will definitely fail and there's no point teaching me but anyway i used one lesson and forced her to teach me and she was a bitch throughout the entire lesson and i cried 2 hours after that and thought of ending my life etc.
and she hasn't taught me on of the exam pieces too. (like really she didn't teach me. just skimmed through it like 4 times)
i don't know why i'm still continuing with this shit, should i give up. its fucking demoralizing. i don't even feel like a human being anymore coz i cannot express all these feelings, not even through music.
i look up to Johann Sebastian bach and Beethoven and Mozart and enjoy their music but she condemns me for asking questions.
i know my mother wants me to learn piano so she can have a trophy daughter to show off to relatives, friends etc. and i learn it partly to show off too. that's why i'm taking exams and torturing myself with the fucky teacher and pessimistic thoughts. the root of my misery. if it were not because of societal judgement i wouldn't be taking the exams one after another. (like every year must take once)
i will only take it if i'm prepared. not this mad rushed screwed up shit.
i hate taking standardized exams. i hate education, i hate society.