when god doesn't make sense

i am really and thoroughly crazy. like the days keep passing and passing and i am like a dead thing hanging around and doing nothing feeling like a freak. like there is no purpose or aim in everything right. nobody wants to be together with me anymore. nobody smses or calls or go out with me anymore. like they have moved on to other things and i am not in their world anymore. like will they still talk to me when i dont talk to them. will they still remember i exist. i am so sad. i am effingly sad. really. like what is happening is really terrible and i know it but i cannot do anything to change it. and i failed the math test today there was like 5 question and i only know how to do 2. and there is chinese oral in 17 days or something. i feel like shit. i feel like empty. like nothing. i dont want to be me. dont want. like if i can just go back and redo everything again. then i will do properly. but now it is too late.cannot change anything already. everything is so screwed. how. i want to die so badly, now. i hate this life and everything that is happening around me. then i keep praying and praying and praying and miracles dont happen hor. and all i have is myself to talk to. like people keep saying dieing will not solve anything right, but at least once you are no longer alive people will forget the things you did and you no longer have to solve anything. right harharhar how i wish i was dead, then i can stop feeling like shit every single day. i hate myself. i hate my life. please help me. like what i doing not make any sense now. i am stoning into the com hear the song and stare stare stare some more then i go toilet and talk to myself. and my mother never scold me coz she dont care me anymore. i very pitiful. so i no need study anymore. coz my mother dont like me. then today got physics tuition. i go there dont understand anything basically just stare at the foolscap and pretend i understand everything with that stoned look. i hate school. i hate my life. i cant do anything about it. i dont like. i hate. ok. and i got no money today. i everyday got no money. so i cannot even go school. i got no money take train. i got no money take bus. not my fault already. i am not born to go to school. i am born to die. ok. now. tomorrow got chinese test. i must go and study. ok. i will.

i have gone mad. i'm fucked. i say wrong things again. do wrong things again. my mother is ignoring my existence again. fine its good like so i can use the computer for as long as i want hahahaha. until she starts kicking chairs and throwing stuff that make alot of noise to show her anger coz she cannot speak.
what the heck everything is screwed now like i cannot talk normal or act normal how to go to school like that. when my mind and hart and books and papers is filled with shit.
i am a dumbfuck. why i cannot control from talking rubbish.

shit i am like not normal anymore i cannot be like last time i was abit normal then now i am totally not cause like i do not know why i doing what i doing and like why am i doing what i doing and what people will think like anymore
and then i have alot of homework to do finish and there is like alot of math test and i am going to fail again very badly because i havent study and dont know how to study at all then how how how how
and i always say very terrible things to people which like make them have a terrible impression of me already how
then right everytime i like try then i blow it. which makes me look like a stupid loser right
at least if you like dont try, you dont risk looking like a stupid loser right.
okay shit i have done something terrible again like keep talking rubbish sewage garbage waste
really why i am alive when everything i do sucks so much.
shit
fuck
i must shut up
if not
the rubbish will not stop
i have been a terrible creature

i have been talking to myself alot because i am like the only person who wants to talk to me
apparently right i feel like shit everyday and like i cannot say why i feel like shit right, cause right people is going to like judge and think things
then how right i also dont know cause i suck.
but still right. i wish that somebody right can like ask why are you sad, and stuff like that. cause right it is like nice to know that people actually care. okay yes it is like very selfish and self centered to like think like that. but the thing is right. i am fucking sad and i want to drop dead this instant because i do not mean anything to the person i want to mean like alot to and then people dont talk to me anymore because i cant talk normally and they just talk to me when they like absolutely have to. like cause we are in a group or something. and like i hate that i have to talk to you why dont you just drop dead.

and even you have stopped talking to me
like those long conversations which are never going to happen again

my mother says this. from now on i am not going to talk to you anymore and i wont answer anything you say to avoid quarrels
fucking fuck fuck
so it has become once again my fault. my fucking fault.
and i have to live with it and accpet it because i am not fucking crippled or whatever shit.
my mother can just go out like at 7pm and not care about dinner for sister and me.
then she comes in at 1145pm and nobody can fucking say shit.
and she can fucking scold me coz she pays for my stuff.
shit. money again is like the most important thing in the universe.
she win.
i shall go out everyday and not tell her too.
yes i will.
i shall do everything she does not like.
coz she has not given a shit about me once.
she thinks that. i am unable to live without her. what the shit. i can oks.
i am still like alive, even after months of you not making food for me.

why am i alive.
once i am dead right.
everything i want will actually come true.
why cant i like get leukemia or something.

then i no need go school.
i no need do math.
i no need think.
coz i got excuse.
then nobody can scold me ever again.
COZ I GOT TERMINAL DISEASE.

but apparently i no have.

FML.
I SHOULD GO AND DYE MY HAIR PINK SO THAT. WHEREVER I GO PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER MY NAME.

everything sucks okay. like me. so disgusting. fuck
i have failure written all over me
i am just sick of struggling. immune to failure. finally. nothing at all.
isnt that terrible.
my life is screwed up forever and ever and i cant stop it.
everyday. as i go into the math tuition. i just want to die.
cause as i sit down there i feel like a space filler, wastage of resources.
then i just get every blardy question wrong.
like why right.
coz i have a learning disorder called dyslexia so can i be excused.
i hate to be stupid can.
then its like i did not pay attention oks.
although i did.
it is a very torture to like be alive.
coz everything needs to be thinked. think. think. think. then pretend.
shit.
you just cannot be yourself coz people is just going to think you is very weird and not friend you.
and i cannot go bathe and sleep coz there is going to be a ghost following me cause i have been a lying jealous piece of shit.
i am a terrible person and it is not like i asked to be alive
i shall just be lone at home and do my own stuff and ignore the stuff that is happening but cannot right.
i cannot do finish my homework.
i cannot pass any of my exam.
i just suck.
then you are just supposed to get over shit and live with it and accept it
like you have no right to even feel angry coz youre supposed to get over it and live with it and accept it coz youre not fucking crippled or your parents are not dead. IF NOT YOU CAN DO WHATEVER SHIT YOU WANT.
365 days a year. 364 shit days.
i hate to do homework. however hard i try i cannot do it correctly.
i have no life it is gone for ever.
i am really and thoroughly crazy.
it sucks. really sucks.

because i suck.

hello.
i freaking suck.
why is this so.
i dont know.
which is another reason why i suck so badly.
everytime i open my bloody mouth to speak.
people look at me like a freak.
why is it like that.
i cannot talk to anybody now. and next time. always.
shit.
this suckszxcxz.
why is it.
that.
everywhere i go.
i am not accepted.

i have to stand there looking cool like i dont give a shit like a lone freak.

OH YES YES.

its YINSIANGBABY'S birthday today.
happy birthday i love you may all your wishes come true (:
thanks for being very very very nice to me
you have a vip place in my heart for eternity! <3

i want to do a lot of things and there is no one to do it with
i want to eat cup noddles from seven eleven at night
i want to walk long paths
i want to talk long talks
that was the best day i had okay
i wa brought to heaven and back to hell again.
i want it so bad
i will give anything and everything i have to relieve such days again
okay shit bye
i am alone.
so lonely.
i wish i can say more.
i wish i can do more.
but i cannot.

lokyan is letting me into her house again! thankyou i love you lokyan baby <3

what if people suddenly dont want talk to me.
what if people stop being nice to me.
what if people dont talk to me on msn.
what if people dont sms me.
what if people dont care if i go to school or not.
what if people dont care me anymore.
then how.
what if they forget me.
cannot sleep.
i dont want sleep alone.
i want everyday got people come talk to me.
i love last time. really nice. 靠着回忆取暖
so many people v nice to me.
they ask stuff about me eat with me ask me eat go out with me bring me home walk together and talk about stuff then i feel so important.
so scared that people are nice to you because you know they wont be nice forever.
people are not obliged to be nice to people.
not obliged to talk to people.
i dont like go school anymore. i dont like go anywhere. dont belong anywhere. not accepted anywhere.
only can stay here. and i will talk to me who will talk to myself.
this is disgusting. i am disgusting. i dont want to be i.
all i ever wanted was to not be alive.
yet i am very scared to die. it is very scary.

the therapist/counsellor will say, maybe life isnt for everyone.

just stop trying to live life. Give up ok.

okay but then yesterday was v nice, cip day
Lokyan and her parents are vvvv nice. v nice okay, went to do cip together at orchard got a lot of donations, cause i think alot of people want the nice nice sticker with the holy badge on it.
then then , go zp v nice let us go his house print math, keep print same pages and we didnt knowww.
then go to the library where we tried to do hmk. then then. SHE BRING ME TO HER HOUSE.

SO NICE RIGHT I LOVE YOU IF YOU ARE READING THIS
ear the nice nice food that tastes like heaven food. then her father vvv cute teach us physics. its vvvv easy to understand. kinematics is like v easy now. like now physics is so nice i am in love with it. i shall be in love with math and physics and dream of formulas when sleep.

THEN LOKYAN AND HER FATHER BRING ME HOME <3
they so nice to me how.
how repay the kindness.

Then SHARLENE> today i go her house and she is vvvv nice to me. she is giving me alot of food and letting me use her computer and iphone so nice right.

then go tuition. and i do not understand a single thing and i sit there alone and stone.

and think and think.

i am scared of my mother. i live in fear. i hate her. she does this everyday. i hate her. i am so sad i am going to cry and there is nobody here because i dont deserve anybody never did never will never had. now i have to off the laptop because she says so and she rules my life. i have no life. i is not me.


Fucked up
Inscure
Neurotic
Emotional

FUCK.

why me?

nobody is obliged talking to me. nobody is reply me.
nobody is going out me.
why. i want people obliged talk to me.
i want i want i want. i hate like this.
is it i not deserve people talking to.
is it i deserve mother everyday to scold.
my mother not like my father. my father also not like my mother. they also not like me. i also not like them . why we together? why we call as family? i no have.
i have nothing. grandmother say must be one person it front of father one person in front of mother one person in front of her. what shit. what shit. why must like that.
why i got nobody friend, why they all dont speak with me.
why they is not obliged to talk me.
i is not worth their time talk to.
they is ignore my existence. they awhile is nice to me then they later is ignore me.
why is like that. okay cannot expect people is to nice to you okay. so must keep get over it. get over it. why must. me is cannot get over it. okay.

so disgusting right. screwed life is understatement.
nobody like talking to me.
fml.
FUCK I HATE MY MOTHER FUCK SHIT

i am very sad, how?
like do i deserve to be happy. deserve to have nice things. deserve nice mother. deserve nice family.
no right.
i is beggar. beg for shelter and food. beg for education. then beg for clothes. beg for love. beg for people to talk to.
my mother scold me again. she say i cannot use laptop. but she watch tv for very long. then when she come out she immediately say off computer. the only thing she said to me the whole day. not you eat already. your school how. no. is off the computer.
so i say why, a while more can . she say cannot. so i say i blog a while only can. she say how many words. i say 700 words. she say off it now. i say ok 600 words. she say off it now. i say 500 words. then she scream and off the computer switch and internet switch, i am going to cancel the internet, she says. then i say okay. then she scream again. off it nowwww. then i say ITS OFFING ALREADY WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT. then she beat my face and beat the laptop. louder some more she screams. not loud enough is it. i use microphone you want! i shout back. then she beat the laptop again. then cannot take it already i say, i cant take it you beat somemore man, hahahaha. then she say i am going to cancel the internet.

she is scold me everyday. i dont like stay here. here is hell. i want go out. i want sleep outside. i dont want stay here, here cannot think. cannot breathe. cannot alone.
i dont like my parents. they is veri veri bad.
scold me everyday. they keep say they not obliged give me money give me food give me school.
is not like i want stay here. not like i want be related to them. i want be somebody else. i hate me.
why like that. why i do deserve like that.

today is a sad day. i cannot converse properly with people. yeah they are turned off once they hear me speak. or type. communicate with them.
i am extremely mad. now nobody wants to converse with me. i am scared to reply messages because i wont get a reply back i am scared to sms because people wont reply me then i feel like a fool.
i screwed my life up.
yeah i am very disgusting. dont like me either. never did.

where is the love.
where is the home.
where is the reason to live.

because its okay to feel things.

my mother says she wont give a shit about me anymore.she does not care if i am dead or alive. it does not matter to her any longer. i am officially alone, and have no parents. yes, and i have no right to hate. to feel jealous. to feel angry, to feel sad or anything.
my mother wont talk to me. she is mentally unwell. my grandmother is being depressed. my family is gone.
the only reason i hate anybody, is because i am so jealous of them.
so bloody jealous that they have the ability to make me hate them to make me angry sad and pissed. because they get the right to control how i feel. i wish my body can just disappear.
cannot talk to anybody, because they are just going to think i am freaking weird, and wanting sympathy etc. so all feelings and thoughts are needed to be kept away.
this is why people turn depressed.
why is this so. like this shit happens everyday. i hate coming back here.
really. because i rather sit on sulfuric acid than stay here.
my mother says i am going to do very badly for my olevels.
but she did not tell me how to avoid that tragedy. i am very scared.
i am supposed to figure a way out.
i cannot do so.
i have no one and nothing to start from.

every exhaled breath


a silent scream