And I hate it when people are nice. Like its only on the surface. Keep smiling. For what. I know you dont like me. Why bother pretending? Then I have to fake it too. Whassa point. Then ill feel guilty if I dont like you cause youre so nice to me. But I know you have to be nice to me. You have to like me. Is it? Because you are christian. You are a disciple of god. If you dont like me then how? And I dont like you then how? So we try. And try and try. But we know there will always be a part of us that can never fully accept each other. That sucks.

So much time passes and I dont know what to make of any of it. I dont know why I must stay at home everyday. Its not even a home. Its not like you enjoy my presence or what. When I go talk to you nicely what do you say. I dont want to talk to her. Or you need me more than I need you so I dont have to talk to you. Well. Fuck that. Pardon me if I dont give a shit. Its not like you even bother eating dinner with me. Or talking to me. Or even do anything with me. Why then were you so concerned for me when I went to china. Why buy me so many things I needed to use back then. Why give a shit back then when you obviously dont now. Am I out stealing. Am I out smoking. No. I am only out to stone alone because I cant in YOUR HOUSE or in YOUR PRESENCE. And you say I only come looking for you when I need money. Is that all you think of yourself? An atm machine? Even if I stay at home all day so what. You dont need me remember. So what if you save up like mad to bring me overseas. If the price I have to pay is have you hate me for eternity then I rather you dont spend such money on me for the rest of yours and my life. Seriously do whatever you want. Because I cant fight it, you are never going to understand. I am not going to care. My life stops here. I am sick of what I have to do ok. Yah correct work so hard for what. If youre going to die then you will die. If youre fugly prettifying yourself only makes people think youre a toad in swans skin or whatever. I once read in a book that this person's greatest fear is that god exists but doesnt care very much for humans. Yeah probably shouldnt say this as a christian but I feel that it is kind of true. Yeah not like I have been very faithful and everything. And theres so many people. God cant be everywhere. And even my mother hates me. So how can God love me. Kay hate then hate lah. I cant possibly hate myself less than you hate me. And another thing, staying at home is a waste of money only, even if I use the natural sunlight to see and the natural air to cool and dont bathe, I still need to shit right. And I need to flush the shit away. And I waste your electricity. Stop acting like you give a shit about me. I cant be happy and thankful that you cared about me so much when I was in china and now you simply brush me away like im some god of plague. What the fuck? You tell me I what wrong. You think I like to like this? You think I like to use your freaking money? Its like everytime I start to feel happy I start to fear and worry like mad that something terrible will happen. And sure enough, something tragic happens. After the sunshine comes the storm. Then i'd rather the storm forever right. Lastly. I know I am sinful and wicked. Eating all the nice food and wasting it when people in china/northkorea got no food to eat. Wasting alot of paper, water etc. Have no right to complain when I got food to eat water to drink and place to stay. And I dont know why those friends I talked to last time dont talk to me anymore. Have they finally realised the treacherous animal I am. Why dont they contact me anymore. I cant stand the defeaning silence. And I realise, if I stop talking to someone for a period of time, would he/she forget I exist? Would he/she remember the time spent with me. Like would he/she miss me and contact me again? Yah most probably not. So many people all over the world. Easily replacable.

popular auntie

well so today i was buying stuff at popular, and this really unpleasant shit thing happened. TO ME. somebody cutted my queue. and it is this auntie who is 63 plus plus. okay so she was shuffling towards the cashier yeah shuffling slowly so as she was like say 4 steps away from the last person in the queue i quickened my steps and got there first. so yes i was IN FRONT OF THE AUNTIE OKAY. yeah then she very narrow minded can queue also want to be first dunno for what like her last days on earth or something must be the first in everything. so she dumped her books on the counter and pushed them in front. push push push until the books in front of me. ( because i never put my things on the counter ) then i dont know why, but the blardy cashier had to go and ask the auntie. ' 是谁先来的。‘ yeah then the aunty went 我我我‘ mad ah must say until 3 times sia. and she was buying this book called 不要怀疑自己。because she is insecure of always being overtaken by others be it in terms of queue or weight or height or health or wealth or status i presume most accurately. i mean like what the fuck right? then i was damn pissed but yeah because i am very nice and wen wen er ya, i did not say anything and waited for the next cashier. BUT THE AUNTY IS SO WHAT LAH. she had to go tell her husband ( who is another grubby and wrinkled old human ) and have him use his popping out of socket eyes to stare at me. so i stare back lah. see who stare longer want. kay so i won the staring game because they left after being blinded by my glorious beauty. yeah and thinking back i should have told the cashier 我们一起来的。这是我的ahma. 我们要一起付。then when she denies all i will say 对不起她的老人痴呆症又发作了. haha. yah seriously. old so what got law say old people got everything reserved for them meh. what the shit. i go put some white hair and use a walking stick too. and what i got wrong meh who ask her walk so slow. the shop her one is it. then next time go shopping use roller skates lah can. sorry lah maybe i also a bit bad go walk in front of her. but still. WHAT BENEFIT DOES BEING FIRST IN THE QUEUE BRING. not like i buying alot of things also right. i am just buying a piece of paper and a pen. seriously this is shit. old so what. old very dua pai is it. fuck. and today i was with xiaoyou on the train, then when we want to alight. the people must push push push some more. like outside the station got someone giving out money or something. then xiaoyou was like, why must she push. so i was like, oh because she auntie.
its like like that also want to be first. got trophy is it.
what is their problem man. next time if i encounter such stuff i will talk alot of things back dont care if people stomp me as ugly singaporean. you also very ugly lah like to take other people ugly side you very beautiful meh.
but.
i will remain 高贵大方 温文尔雅。 REGARDLESS OF RACE LANGUAGE OR RELIGION. OR AGE. OR WEIGHT. OR HEIGHT.
I DONT LIKE STOMP. like its good to post some interesting or important stuff right. but got some people hor. post teenagers kissing on public transport. what about adults. you mean its okay for adults to kiss and grope in public meh. then hat about if got old people kissing. then what? glorify their everlasting true love on stomp? why old people never got stomped. and why cant they stomp nice things. like people giving up their seats on public transport. or people giving in to the elderly's unreasonable demand to cut queue.
kay bye.

sad and empty and doomed

oh hey. the number of this post is the same as my psle score.
and today is the open house of saint nicks.

been avery weird lately as always. oh yeah just that its weirded now kay\
kay so i had this dream two nights in a row. in nanjing.
someone tried to kill me.
like first i was in the mrt with my friend then she left then i went to a roadside. and theres this man. then he stalked me. so i knew lah then i went to ntuc to buy a knife to kill him. then. i told the cashier theres a man trying to kill me then she didnt believe me cause her badge says shes only 14 years old. kay then i cannot remember anymore. then the next night. i dreamt of this teacher whos the form teacher of the classs we are attached to in nanjing. yeah he is this evil mastermind who has an office under the sea. and he is plotting to kill us lah. and he wont let us into any of the classes and he wont give us toilets to use and so we went to hide under the sea only to discover that he works there. but he couldnt see us. then i told the others but no one believes me again. and dream ends here.
yeah so another dream i had last night. i was in nanjing again. the carrefour place because i wanted to buy more pocky and jay chou milk tea. yeah. then i couldnt find the shelves so didnt buy much? then i risked my life crossing the road back to the hotel. then i dreamt that everyone at the trip had husbands, and we were eating dinner in the pool. then got one girl her chicken rice got flooded by the pool water. yuck. what the shit is wrong with my dreams. i think like its because i havent got my period for like 3 months. urghhhhh.
so how
and theres still the nenjing project to do lah. shit.
and what has i been doing.
and i feel very weirded. like i am not in my own skin.
or like i am not in my own world. why cant the world like faster finish?
then everybody will die equally.
then math will be pointless :)
and now its like my thoughts dont belong to me.
because why?
i think i think wrong.
okay bye maybe i will can type properly later.
and think correctly.
how am i going to do that.
i am going to read many peoples writings.
yeah theres this blog which has 'whip-smart dialougues and keen observations on mordern life' and it shines a hilarious and heartbreaking light over what i am feeling now.
soul-lifting, yes?
thats why it is stalk-worthy
now i will devote and dedicate my life into stalking this particular blog and its owner.
urrgh kay sorry im weird

i am but a sack of shit

you made me feel special and then you disappeared

We are trying so hard to pass the freaking exams. see some people study the book for one hour and they know the whole book. i study the same book for three hours and i know fifty percent. i just want to get decent marks get into a decent school get a decent job and enjoy my life. is that too much to ask?
the school system does not care about us at all.
i am going to die next year. should i plan my death. i want it to be nice and dramatic.
bye.

where did all that love go?
why cant i? like however hard i try i just cannot.
did i screw my life up or got other people contribute to the screwing.
no lah its a vicious cycle. i can never break out of it.
doesnt anyone love me?