why upset

why are you upset about things that dont concern you?
i very angry when i take the freaking mrt. i heard this blardy woman with her maid and two young girls about ages 8-10. then they were walking out of hougang mrt and the woman ( assuming its the girls' mother from the shit she was blabbing ) yup. she was like 'that man ah. got two young girls in front of him he still pretend never see, continue talking to the girlfriend. SO RUDE AH ' and she was very angry and kept ranting to the poor maid who could only agree with her as this blardy woman kind of controls her future, her life. and the poor girls were like,' what happen??' then the woman just continue talking about the man, criticizing him. the maid just said, ' mummy angry...'
seriously what the heck? the blardy woman thinks that the man should give up his seat to her daughters? have you seen an old man giving up seat to an ablie-bodied young woman? that would be fucking ridiculous. how is the woman going to accept the seat. she got face to accept the seat anot. the mrt picture depicts 4 scenarios: 1) the pregnant 2) the disabled 3) the old 4) those carrying children. NOT CHILDREN. NOT CHILDREN.
NOT CHILDREN.
children need to work anot. children need to carry heavy stuff anot. ( unless its a child slave taking the mrt ) children contribute to the society? maybe next time. now all they do is complain and grumble. and care about their academic results. and act like they deserve to sit on the seats on public transport. I have yet to seen a child aged 7-10 or like in the primary school age to give up their seats to those who need it more than them. they do not even need to work or support the family or carry heavy shit for fuck's sake.
i am going to tell the next man/woman who acts like his/her kids have the right to sit on seats in the mrt. what are rights? do the people in Africa have rights? even have rights to food and shelter? why are you talking about rights here in Singapore. Africans are humans too and they do not have any rights what makes you think you have the rights to seats in the mrt?
ugh. so angry.
okay. another thing. i went to the rivervale plaza macs. and there was a table for one near the door. the fucking girl's chair leg was blocking the entrance and i did not see it in my hurry to get into the air conditioned fast-food restaurant, as there were construction works ongoing outside. so i knocked the chair. but the girl was not knocked over. but she gave me this -.-. look.
effing rude. i said sorry 3 times and she gave the -.-. look. kanasai.
daughter of a bastard! maybe i got qianbian face. but i cant change this face. its Born This Way. she also got this -.-. also cannot change. so i hope she chokes on her burger.
but of course, she does not. she is alive and well.
but macs is unhealthy. maybe she'll contract some form of cancer.

coincidence?

today i purchase two mcdonald meals at 8.30am.
as i walk along the pavement.
my eyes hurt from the eye shit i have in them so i rub them vigorously and look like a pirate.
okay anyway i shouldnt have ever ever rubbed those eyes because in front of me was a Very Important Person getting into a black car. i have memorised the car plate number SJT 2080G.
but as i do not know the car model or series etc i am unable to search for its owner on google.
i am too afraid to walk up to the person to say a hello for fear that the person will diss me in front of his friend, and after that post about the incident on a public forum.
therefore i can only stand in a distance and stare as the beautiful image of the car, in the flitting distance taking away the VIP in its wake.
so, coincidence, or not? or is this fate...that i should chance upon you again this day
however a friend of mine also had such a blessing to chance upon the VIP on a certain day in late August/early September.
she was at a certain fast food restaurant to study and i was supposed to meet her there, but for fear of seeing the VIP I did not turn up after she told me of the VIP's appearance in the fast food restaurant.
However the seeing of the VIP today.
should it be considered the work of fate?
as i chose this day to purchase mcdonald meals which i do not usually do.
this is the first mcdonald breakfast i have purchased in 41 days, ever since the day of my higher chinese olevel paper which was on 10 November 2011 when i ate a mcgriddles meal at 6.15 am while studying for it.
because i stayed up all night worrying and then decided to eat mcdonald i fell asleep for a whole ten minutes during the paper. totally deserves it.
okay. yep.
through my analysis and careful thought
i credit this meeting to the work of fate.
owner of the car please do let me meet you again. however even if i do all i will see is the VIP's friend whom i will not recognise. Unless the VIP is a frequent passenger of SJT 2080 G.
readers of this blog out there please help me to lookout for this car.
i think of flagging a cab to chase this SJT 2080 G like in those serial dramas, but was there a cab in sight? and the car was speeding away.
in addition, wouldnt the SJT 2080 G people see a suspicious cab tailing them
and would any normal cab driver agree to tail another car without asking many questions.
so, tailing the SJT successfully to its destination is MISSON IMPOSSIBLE IV

i have a fuckmily. i hate each and every fuckmily member. bitches sluts fuckers bastards. they engage in fuckery.
why must i wash the floor every week. if i late wash by one day she complain grumble blah blah. what the fuck. she never cook never wash our clothes on time we cannot say anything. and she is being sympathised with. i work at a fucking ass hotel for a miserly pay without insurane or cpf medisave contribution for two fucking days and then she expects me to wash the floor the very next day. the sister does not need to do any shit because of her young age. because of my age, i have to work like a slave. BITCH BITCH BITCH. most teenagers do not have to do any household chores. when they actually do some, e.g wash their own dishes, fold their own clothes, they are praised to the eighteen levels of heaven.

wo de hai zi hen guai! coos the mother and father.

i want to run away from this fucking home. no, not a home. a fuckhole.

i attended the wedding of roy and mei ling. the roy says they have been together for 15 years. this is so sweet, wo men de ai qing chang pao yao jie shu le.
i want to experience this nice nice love thingy also. anyone is a potential husband candidate.
jump at every promise, every commitment, every word coated in honey.
trying your best to put your everything but the other party does not understand

okay whatever,
relationships are not important. i havent been in one for 18 years and i'm still living life.
but isnt it wonderful, amazing to have someone you can bare your soul out to?
我要找到一个愛我的人，而且我也佷愛他 ♥

2nd day of work at ASS hote181211

today i report at 5pm as work starts at 6pm. 6.50/hour. no medisave, no cpf no medishield contribution. and Mr Her Bird Lee/hortamus uses the term 'whatever shit' to make up for his/its? limited range of vocabulary.


okay yet again no dinner given. poor us. 5pm to 11.30 pm no food! kanasai.


today we are the earliest. the lowly first timers have a sense of punctuality and responsibility! Praise the Lord! we sit along the wall, away from the public eye as no one is here yet except for Mr Her Bird and Hippo Black Face. HBF for short. he tells us ' this your house ah! ' okay so we go stand around him. got people lean on the pillar he also scold. then we lean on the air he also scold. cannot lean on the air!
okay then everybody gather. and start the menu briefing. Her Bird checks our attire and it points out that my hair is very messy JUST BECAUSE I HAVE VERY VERY TINY HAIR NOT PINNED UP. PLEASE LAH. PREASE LAH. PRIEST LAH. ARE THE GUESTS GOING TO LIKE CARE THAT EVERY STRAND OF OUR HAIR IS SUPERGLUED TO OUR SCALP
once again got experienced workers never put hair net and wear skinny jeans. ALLOWED TO WORK. QC PASSED. Stupid stupid Her Bird. hope you get STD.
but overall the work was okay, i got nice co-workers and a few nice dishwashing aunties who advise me not to be so scared got anything just ask people and dont worry if got anything, 'auntie bang ni cheng yao!' so nice right.
guests were quite polite, when i carry the first course in they helped me in placing it on the lazy susan some more say 'poor thing!' 'they have to be very strong to carry this'
okay. but seriously the ASS hotel scam people's money one event can earn up to 70,000++ and look at our miserable pay. look at it. and have to get scolded for nothing get criticized etc.
just because we are new here. fuck Her Bird. and HBF.
i am not going to work there for a while.
dont even give us food to eat. what kind of manager are you. a birdly one. a black one.
kanasai lah. you think you very big is it. already 30 plus still a lowly manager with a limited range of vocabulary and a qian bian hortamus-ed face.

please, if you wanna get treated like diarrhoea/an animal please sign up to work as a waitress at Swissotel Singapore now! exclusive bonus treatment included! please look for Mr Her Bird Lee. he will be most happy to attend to your treatment.
Mr Hortamus Black Face would be attending to you as well, to ensure that you have an unforgettable treatment.
blardy Her Bird. i will rise among the ranks and come back as a customer and criticize you the way you did to the first timers.

They didn't give us food

hello. so i have been working random jobs. and i rather hate a particular job at a particular S ( ass ) hotel. the job is rather shyt. kanasai job.
so here goes. i sign up for the job at a certain agency at clarke quay TCC ( talk colourful cock ) agency. yup and lots of colourful vibrant cock they did talk. and then we were trained by this guy, jumat. he is a big shot i think. his sons are the butlers of Beyonce! Lo and behold! he is quite funny.
'if you serve Obama, how you serve? shake shake shake. cannot shake ah! if you shake you will drop the plates then how...just think they are ladies and gentlemen like yourself.. serve the way you want to be served...blah blah. we were supposed to register at 3pm and training starts then for 4 hours. so would be until 7pm. but the mr jumat says most likely will end at 8pm cause he has 272 slides. ( mostly pointless, as no one really obeys the rules and regulations )
yup so he skipped most of the slides. saying, 'if you all want to early go home, then you pay attention! if i ask questions you can answer, then i can skip. IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU ' then they went out for like 30 minutes for smoke break leaving like almost 50 of us stoning in the cramped room. wtf more like DEPENDS ON HOW LONG THEY SMOKE. okay and he checked our attire. must put hair net hair must be in a bun etc etc and wear black tailored pants not skinny jeans/jeans allowed! if dont have can buy at the office.
then he go through how to serve how to sit the guest etc. kept making fun of a guy by saying he's weak coz he could not push a table as the jumat was stepping on the leg. what the shit. ok so the in charge people gave us some numbers to call, saying if we wanna work we just call these numbers and the people will book slots for us. so we very happy that night immediately phone them. numbers could not get through so we tried again the next day. the person kept saying ' later i call you back now i doing my work.' i called at 10 am he returned the call at 8pm. very good. really effective management.
okay first day of work as ASS hotel. 17 december 2011. a certain hotel near city hall mrt. yup. went there at 4pm to get ready, work starts at 5pm. had to queue to get security pass then queue again to take uniform then put bag and go for briefing outside the ballroom. THREE MANAGERS. two chinese managers and one indian manager. the chinese manager in charge of us had a horse like face adorned with tiny slanted fish shaped eyes. and together with a protuding chin, he resembled an offspring of a horse and a hippopotamus. a HORTAMUS. he gives us a floor plan of the ballroom and the menu. didnt know must bring a pen so tried very hard to remember every single blardy word that he spouted with a lisp. got horrible english.

" FIRST TIMERS COMPILE COMPACT OR WHATEVER SHIT HERE '
IF THINGS GOES WRONG, YOU WILL BE IN DEEP SHIT'
'I DOESNT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN'
and so on kanasai inkrish.
he ask who got zero experience in serving, so i stood out with 3 other guys. we had to stand in the middle. 'cannot cross the boundary!' says HORTAMUS. his real name is acherly HER BIRD LEE. YUP. his wife is probably called MRS HIS COCK LEE. that is, if any woman is willing to marry him.
he acts as if he owns the place with his chao ang beng gayshit voice commanding and talking.
then the other manager scremas on the phone ' 他妈的！伱給我醬多新人!' then we were damn scared coz we might be sent home. okay so HORTAMUS/HER BIRD LEE assigns people tables. then while he does that we have to stand and stone. and freak out. for 1 hour plus. then the indian manager finally decides to just let us serve drinks and clear plates. okay. so we ready to go and work. i damn sccared so got scared stressed expression. then got one first timer girl tell the TCC agent, 'wo ming tian bu yao zuo le ' she worked at MICE before, but as she was new she was a first timer and they just made her serve drinks. then come here, again considered first timer, so when are they going to give her the right to serve food? she ask the agent. maybe the TCC agent was pissed cause the manager scolded him. so he shouted at her, 'ni xian zai zuo zhe fen gong shi bu shi bu shuang? ' (you where not comfy) fuck you lah, she was just asking a question. and he shouted at her, so i tried to intevene and explain and ask why do you have to scold us when we did nothing wrong? then the girl started crying. the agent said he did not scold us. then the girl said , 'ni jiang da sheng han wo ni hai jiang ni mei you ma wo?! ' then cry, blah blah explain. and he shouts' ni de grooming dou cuo le! zuo gong bu ke yi chuan zhe ge ku zi! ' but apparently the jumat approved of the pants, so why is the agent scolding her now? Mr Jumat told her to buy those pants. getting scolded for nothing. poor poor us. AND THERE WERE MANY 2ND/3RD/4TH TIMERS WEARING SKINNY JEANS AND HAD NO HAIR NET WITH HAIR ALL OVER THE PLACE . AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO WORK. THEY JUST PICK ON US. IF THEY DONT WANT US TO WORK THEY WILL COME UP WITH ANY RANDOM EXCUSE LIKE, 'YOUR HAIR CANNOT. YOU GOT ONE STRAND OF HAIR OUT. WHAT IF DROP INTO THE FOOD? THE GUEST WILL GET STOMACH CANCER ARE YOU GOING TO COMPENSATE? BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN IF YOU GEL YOUR HAIR HE CAN SAY THAT A GELLED STRAND CAN DROP INTO THE FOOD AND CAUSE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. EVEN THE YOUR BREATH IS A HEALTH HAZARD. SICKENING FUCKING MANAGERS the vulgar manager sent a boy home coz of his haircolour he shouted ' GET OUT " at him. rude shit. obviously biased. ok so i go in the the ballroom having the company D&D event. got 103 tables.
so having had the shock of my life, i was scared stiff and the fucking indian manager gave me despising look,

' WHY YOU GIVE LONG FACE '
so i shoot back with utmost cool and confidence,
'THEN WHY YOU GIVE BLACK FACE'

yup. of course i didnt say that. i just said.' huh, no'
BUT SERIOUSLY. HIS FACE WAS AS BLACK AS MY HAIR AND MY FACE WAS NOT AS LONG AS HIS. HE HAD THE FACE OF A HIPPOPOTAMUS. SERIOUSLY .
YOU GIVE BLACK FACE EVERYDAY TO EVERYBODY.
MY FACE SHORTER THEN YOURS WANNA MEASURE.
chou hei ren

okay. then the rest of the event was okay, i worked with two china girls and two china guys and one singapore guy ( leader ). they were nice and showed me around the kitchen. and also got ask me if i wanna drink anything and he pour for me ( the china guy ) . okay so quite friendly. then had to serve, clear, refill drinks. a lot of food wastage. but guests were rather polite. okay. thought can koupe some leftovers, but no such beginner's luck.
okay so at 11.20 pm i ran like crazy with the china girl to sign out. got long queue. okay then sign out le take bag go home. IN TOTAL STOOD FOR 7 HOURS. thank you HORTAMUSES
the older workers are nicer, they told me to smile and dont worry too much. yup. thank you to them. but seriously. 6.50/hour and work until like that. get scolded for nothing no leftovers to feed on stand till your legs are filled with lactic acid. when the hotel is earning at 103.80 SGD per person. what a scam, what a rip off.

will not fail o levels
will not fail o levels
will not fail o levels
will not fail o levels

Much of my youth have been wasted away on nothing good. i have not been a good friend, good student, good customer, good passenger, good cousin, good classmate. i have been a good for nothing only. After watching the 'you are the apple of my eye' movie, i feel very happy and touched but i am very jealous of the female lead's good looks. this is very shallow of me. but do you not feel that many people feel that when good looking people cry or have emotions, it is a very great thing? when bad looking people have emotions, no one really cares? or rather they take it as amusement.
the people who have very very close group of true friends in primary school and secondary school are really very lucky.
hmm. but it comes to a point when everyone is friends just for the sake of being friends, comparing results, or just because you want someone to kill time with? or having more acquaintances a good social network essential for working life?
do still hold on to the primary school friendship when all that holds us together are memories long past long hidden deep in our minds?
will you still ask me to hang out anymore.
or is it just a routine, a task to ask me out.

i am the strong. must not try to be humane in this inhuman place.
must be selfish and work solely for my own benefits.
do not like to be in this place everyday must come back as late as possible to avoid contact with fuckmily members.
am going to find a job and live in the workplace.
most preferably as a maid then i can get a new house and free food.
and something closer to a family.
anyone want to hire me pleasy please pleases pleasing please?
dilligent, hardworking, strong interpersonal skills. good in cleaning.

angry feelings

everyday i am being scolded one way or another in this fuckmily. i am going to walk and run and crawl shuffle away soon. i hate this place. rude fuckeers
this auntie or so called because she has very rarely done her job as one. came and shouted like a freaking barbarian at me the human being just now and hence i am very angry however this not being my house in name i cannot retort in any way. so i tried my very best to pissify her and be rude to the largest extent.
lets name the aunt it.
It : i do not want to hear your voice outside my room ( fuckhole more like ) at night okay. menacingly.
me: *turns back to computer*
It: WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU LOOK AT ME! then she takes angry loud small steps forward threatening to hit me. but i am trying my best not to be intimidated.
It: make me want to hit you
me: was that a question? it was more like an instruction
It; its a question! WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME STAND HERE AND MAKE ME WAIT FOR YOU TO SAY YOU GET IT
stupid fucker are you so insecure that you need me to PROMISE you. do you want to hook pinkies?
LIKE I CAN SAY NO? I WANT YOU TO HEAR MY VOICE OUTSIDE YOUR ROOM ( aka FUCKHOLE )
me; okay i get it.
NOW FUCK OFF. insecure fucker
i hope you imagine my voice in your dreams and hallucinate
my voice is everywhereeeeee
once again this is not a family but a fuckmily. the one and only in the whole wide world. A FUCKMILY.

many sad feelings

okay so, i already have a good feeling of my life in the next few years down the sea. cause this is the under C results that i going to get. is it the brain no good? no it is coz i do not have a faith in God. you see the peepurs who got faith in God score very well. and are very happy. but does this mean that then you cannot have your own feelings? i dont know. like if i dont trust in God i will fail? no i do not know either. so you trust you dont lose anything why not trust. okay trust. start trusting. but still i feel very sad now because it is very confirmed that the 4 years things i learn no one is going to acknowledge that coz i am going to achieve the most low results in olevel history. how???? shit me. and i cant even breathe properly because i am freaking scared. i do not eant to go through this ever ever again. i want to become a maid in another country learn another language and have a new life as a new human being. with a new passport and identity card and entry proof and a new PMCAS. OKAY? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? then i will send my salary back home to my family to repay them for making all this misery possible. because without them, i would never be able to enjoy misery. SO, THANK YOU! please just, i am sad sad enough already, last year almost got retain, and this person had the voice to say, 'wah so sad then cannot go to prom together. ' i really hate you for saying that and i cannot get over the hatred. i cannot get over myself. okay? why do people who say such insulting stuff get to live good lives and eat nice vegetables and chinese food? and get to swim in nice water everyday? and get to wear nice high heeled shoes? so in order not to feel this angry injustice over the human resources not evenly distributed among the humans, we must count out blessings, okay. like for example the sun, the climate, the blog, the fingers et cetera. feel musch better? hey at least you have fingers! and a proper toilet bowl. BE HAPPY!
finally. i would like to thank the teachers for being very nice.
whatever the outcome. please just pretend you never taught a student like that.
thank you.
goodbye.
i really am truly remorseful for being a very bad student, perhaps i have bringed these upon myself.

end of life

END OF LIFE.
my heart should stop moving
going to judge me based on the colour of my uniform, if any, next year.
i do not want to lie on this land, not the land of the free but the land of the imprisoned
stop boasting about the emath marks what you got 75/80 so what i got 81/80 go fuck yourself i am a phenomenon here.
the peepurs who thinks that they are all that and are so smart and can do so blardy well for the olevels are not going to do well in future because they have used up too many of their brain cells in a meaningless exam. I, however have preserved my brain cells and thus will have increased creative potential and hence morel likely to create miracles and scientific/ non-scientific breakthroughs in the near future. so i will most likely be like mr walt disney or mr mark zuckerburg whatever the names are.
so i will have a lot of faith and trust in out dear lord that He will bring me and us through this hard times because He loves us even though we are the worst things to exist on the face of this planet. and then one day emerge victorious

cannot even relax damn blardy scared study so hard screw up!
shit!
stupid chemistry paperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i hate itttt
i am very sorry to the teachers who have teach me so long....
how to atone for my sins???

how can we be judged just by one piece of blardy parchment and the colour of the cloths we don? this is too shallow minded.. i am also shallow minded.
wear the white and green cloths = smart = confucian disciples = worship the gods snd goddesses of education in green and white

stupid.
retake privately coz st nicks wont take me in anymore...
oh heartless world!

fail

i have officially truthfully genuinely failed in my olevels 2011. do you want to know why? because i have failed. instead of being the normal students who is supposed to have a easy easy education path. i am going to have to retake the olevels next year. this is because i have screwed up the shading of the PMCAS whatever you call it. so is it really y faulth? i just freaked out only what. cannot say i lazy or stupid or not hardworking correct? THERE WAS NO TIME MY BRAIN HAD NO OXYGEN OF OMEGA THREE FATTY ACIDS OR VITAMIN D.
as i see all my classmates graduate happily in square hats, i turn away and see if the school will accept me for another year. i am a failure and the teachers would have lost all hope on me. 8A1s! the normal st nicks success. what about 8F9s??? a legend....
now i feel so sad, what am i to do? miss yee. mdm lee. miss jacq lee. miss candy lee. your efforts have gone down sewage. down into the toilet bowls. i am very sorry. i cannot do it. i could not and i had not done it.....

lastly, i do not deserve to exist. a fellow who cannot even pass an examination after numerous coaching....... just freaked out in 60 mins.....
i hate everything. this is so sad depressing.
so the whole blind world who is so judgemental is going to judge me, the jc people 'which jc you wanna go to?' what the heck the question always asked by people.... i cannot go anywhere, going to retake.....
judged me not based on 4 years of toiling and hard work and money spent on education, but on a mere piece of parchment from the United Kingdom...

they would probably want out literacy rate to go down so we will not have enough creative potential to work in the tertiary adn quatenary industries and as a result s'pore GDP will go down and the United Kingdom GDP will go up coz they determine our results and hence our literacy rate....
bye bye. 4 YEARSSSSSSSSSSS. I HATE MY LIFE.
wasted time not like i wanted this blardy education in the first place

Let's play happy fuckmilies (:

Why cant they die if they keep complaining about how much theyre suffering? Why not fucking die if you hate being alive so much? Youre making the lives around you miserable too. Such fuckers. Seriously I would be happy if theyre all dead so no one would treat me like scum anymore. I mean like imagine your own family (fuckmily) treating you like shit. Compared to some one of no blood relation to you treating you like shit. Isnt it more tolerable for the one without blood relations to treat you like shit than the so called family. Tell me. Such egoistic disgusting animals with their holier-than-thou attitudes. Just die seriously. You'll be doing yourself, me, singapore and the world a great fucking favour. Perhaps you could donate your organs as a way of atoning for your sins. But no body would accept your bad organs coz they are as rotten as your personality. Why the fuck are you so scared of her? Washing her clothes buying her food making her dinner. Why dont you clean her ass for her after she shits? Oh wait you already do. Just because she gives you money? Yeah money faced fucker. All the more you should die. I will buy lots of paper money for you. Extremely affordable. Then you can live the life you wanted so much. Money filled life. She can do whatever she wants coz shes 'old enough' thirty eight years old is old enough is it? Even can go and smoke and pollute the body you nurtured. Is it? And you say shes matured and is responsible for her own life. Isnt dependent on you anymore. Its the other way round so she can do whatever she wants with her life is it? So im also responsible for my life coz I use my own pocket money to pay for fucking tuition. Or what? Coz I can go work as a whore? Or am I already one the way you see it. Bitch. You caused all this. You screwed up life after life. Giving life does not mean you have the right to screw it up. You dont even care all you care is EH I GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO SPEND ANOT AH. Fuck off. With fuckmily like that, what are enemies?

the people who have borne me into this fucking world do not love me.
THEY ARE HERE TO FUCKING MAKE MY FUCKING LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE HAHAHA. HOW COME I HAVENT DIE YET. SHOULD DIE. AND I DONT WANT TO SEE THEIR FUCKFACES AFTER I DIE. I NEED TO STUDY RIGHT. THEN YOU TAKE OVER MY BED TAKE OVER MY ROOM HOW I STUDY YOUR FUCKING BODY ODOUR IS SUFFOUCATING YOUR FUCKFACES ARE DISTRACTING THE EXPRESSIONS ON YOUR GLOATING FACES AS YOU GLOAT OVER MY MISERY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WILL IT KILL YOU TO SLEEP ON ANOTHER BED. SERIOUSLY THAT BED IS 200 METRES CANT YOU SLEEP THERE. WALAO WHY MUST YOU SLEEP ON MY BED. I HOPE YOUR SKIN ROTS AND YOU HAVE NO SKIN. I AM GOING TO POUR CONCENTRATED HYDROCHLORIC ACID ON THE BED. GOOD LUCK

we must have faith! lets all have faith! life is good! yay.

fuck

i have no mother, her contact in my phone is The Fucker. small comfort. to comfort me that i have an inhuman mammal for a mother. so sad.

Fuck god. Fuck my life.

i very sad

i very sad.
bye bye.
i hate everything.
i hate everyone.

'Religion is bullshit'

when it comes to bullshit, big time majorly bullshit. you have to stand in awe, IN AWE in the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims- religion. religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. religion has convinced people that there is an invisible man. an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do you every minute and every day. an invisible man who has a special list of ten things. ten things one should not do and if you do any of these things he has a place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and angusih where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever.
but he loves you.
George Carlin May 12 1937 - June 22 2008
Thank you George Carlin, your insight was of huge importance for the human race, you will be greatly missed by many.
You are forever in our thoughts.

hello. my blog very ugly is it? like me. no but if the blogskin nice nice the angmoh not pro also nevermind one lor please. no one cares. everyone wantsto read blog with nice skin. whatever. i also got ugly skin then dont talk to me la please. anyway i think i very stupid lah. not think. i KNOW. why must go facebook. stupid facebook is freaking poisonous coz i have discovered some horrifying truths cannot sleep/study anymore thank you very much. and i will refrain from using the f word. yay! coz everyone is using it and in order to stand out i will invent my oen f word. the word shall be. chamda. k i dont know where that came from. anyway its a combination of the names of two people i dont like. they very mean okay one borrow my money dont want return yet stays in a castle and has a limousine to ferry her to the school and the other think she very chio and is very rude to me because i am not chio. i am very angry now whatever. i can wallow in my self pity and console myself. stupid internet. if the internet was a book how long would you take to read it!57 000 years 24 hours not sleeping. yes. due to retarded people who cannot stop talking about themselves. like me. yay. this is myspace. i write whatever i like. yay. its all about me! so angry now.
but still. aiya. stupid facebook. i so jealous people add people dont want add me leh. why ah. just add me leh. i very lonely siahx. add people coz their profile pic very nice rightz? coz their profile very glam right? dont know what blah blah university what blah blah school so smart one. then the face so chio one. i also want go make. so important the face, no one cares about whats inside. what is this man. yah lah. like some replacement like that you know? i also cannot so self fish want you to stay with me forever and ever. want you to be nice to be only. cannot right. you must disperse the seed of kindness to everyone and everyone will be kind to you back. but i dont want like that leh. can special anot? make people feel so privileged so special for what. very free meh. okay lah whatever.
i must be very sad so no one can make me sad anymore.
hahaha.

Ok. I dont want to go to heaven for one day and then be back in hell forever after that day. I'd rather not go to heaven and just try to find happiness in hell.

I cant say I hate you because I dont. I cant say I wont talk to you again because I will. 我像是一个你可有可无的影子冷冷看着你说谎的样子我是一个被你囚禁的鸟but all I can is pray and hope is that you'll stop setting me up and saying things that you know you dont mean.

What I want

Ok. Yeah. Anyway I have thought of what I want to be. I want to be a maid. Then I can work from home and have free food and bed. Just a thought of the day. What is this man. Need to go practice being alive nao. Anyway I really dont like this and everything. Because like we can never fight the system however hard we try? We cannot defeat our fate or what. I have lapsed into an everlasting depression oh shit. Actually I dont know what direction my life should take? So. Nao I am going to talk about myself. Because this is my blog. This is all about me me me. Firstly I dont want to go to school. And I dont like all the shit like for example being treated like a sack of the shit. Et cetera. Such a sad life. Where is the friend/friends? They have gone away. All this friendships is temporary and will capsize anytime. So worried and troubled. Ok. Too sad to write anymore. To be continued.

RANT.

I am going to RANT today.
Dyspraxia. So chim. The condition where you become incapable of initiating an action. I Hate to studying. Hate. Okay. I will meditate and find my inner peace. When you are depressed time is lost. So if you are not depressed you dont have to find the lost time. I want to make time feel longer. I get my time in bulk. Anyway I do not know what I am talking about. I have a split personality. Now. What is going t happen to me. Shit. So sad. Majorly depressed. Cannot I am very happy now. Happy happy happy. Stop living in self denial lah. But its a nice place to live in. I want to live there forever. Studying is not important. The human heart is more important. I am going to cultivate my heart. Shower it with abundant love. Bye. Good luck to everyone who needs it. Ask and it will be given.

i dont like to be like this either haunted traumatized by the freaking memories of singapore why am i in singapore wheni dont know anyone everyone is so far away, act like they dont know me avoid the paths i take like i am the plague or just refuse to catch my eye in the public to escape saying hi is it like very hard to say hello why FUCK SOCIETY'S IDEA OF BEAUTY
RESULTS DONT DEFINE PEOPLE ALSO.
or even the way people speak or dress or eat or sleep or talk
isnt it the way they treat humans plants and animals and the environment that matters?
another sad thing is that people who decide they dont want to die after they have jumped off. or like after they have drank rat poison. will that happen to me?
what is the point of living n a world where no one knows you
what is the purpose in life. you dont even know yet you keep saying everyone has a purpose in life. what? to degenerate the eart even more. to produce more carbon dioxide. to eat more animals. and produce clones of myself to do the same thing.
ok. the thing is that i wouldnt feel so freaking sad and hurteded if i did not help out as much. but this is three freaking years. like other people also same number of years. then why the exclusivity in treatment.
just accept it. but must understand before can accept.
how to understand.
i like wanglihong and huxia.
i want to go and watch tv and waste my life away coz i know i will never make it no matter what i do because i have shit for brains and it i smy destiny/fate to be alone. alone in the wolfpack. it is made up of one lonely. loney but strong and still alive person. still can walk properly and eat properly and shit properly and fatter than ever. yi ge ren sheng huo.
why ask me to come when i was not even needed was it to make the wolfpack larger. to just see it grow in numbers but not knowing the wolves. then whats the point of keeping it growing. if you feel that it is made up of the wrong 'inexperienced' people. yeah you train them. you select specifics and train them. the ones unselected. are abandoned for and left and the mercy of the predators. but you could have saved them too.

stoppit stoppit
like finally i am numb to the fact that i am non existent to the people i thought were close to me o r was it i was close to or cannot even use the past tense cause it never happened

i am in misery
and you know what i do not need to be accepted anymore
by this shit school or by whatever shit organization or whatever committee.
happy to be alone.
alone to be happy.
cannot be myself until i am by myself.
please enlighten me what is this.
how to be nice? comes from the heart right. the freaking heart, chong xin di xian chu ai xin.
so no need to smile like some freak. just be kind to all the humans. be polite. like that can anot. like risk life to protect others. i feel that i can do that.
why must you make it exclusiveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
define 'experienced'
or experienced=popular in this context
now go away.

i hate my life.
why do you do what you do to me?
why is it so important to be fucking happy and friendly on the surface
what does it matter
why does it matter
what is happening
stoppit.

the feeling you get when someone who has ignored your existence for the past one year plus and suddenly acknowledges you on facebook is just. totally out of this world. ok. even though they speak to you only when they require your help it is still amazing to be acknowledged. i almost died. unfortunately, i am still alive.
ok. i feel that the things i post reflect a very immature juvenile ( used correctly anot? ) side of me. i need to stop if not it is going to affect my career and eventually my future. but isnt it great to see how i mature in my posts. like as in the evolving thoughts and opinions. cool anot? theme of evoulution.
i might die tomorrow. of an anxiety attack. panic at the disco! no this is panic in the public. i am going to die in public.
okay bye.
i feel rather sad.
what to do goodness gracious me.
lastly good luck to those taking olevels' chinese on monday...<3

i'm all out of love i'm so lost without you i want you to come and carry me home away from this long lonely nights are you feeling it too?

if you wonder off to far, my love will get you home
if you follow the wrong star my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself lost and all alone get back on your feet and think of me my love will get you home

i can hardly breathe i need to feel you here with me

2.51 a.m
show off see i so nocturnal ok. WHY SO LATE HAVENT SLEEP!
because i am in misery okay.
because you going go away and you dont want say some last words to me.
why? a few words only. and you ask me why did i call.
you know why? coz i want to hear your voice. and you can counter attack me by asking why dont go use public phone. becoz i at home and i want to hear your voice immediately i got no courage to walk to the void deck and punch in your numbers like a prank call. so i press in my phone. or you see my number you dont wanna answer.
no sometimes my phone just auto-dials you because it loves you.
see i dont know how long will this feeling last i am being fucking selfish by telling the whole world how sad how miserable i am because of this one person.
but i seriously know i have a choice lah. i dont need people to feel secure about myself to feel happy blah blah.
but you know what this worlds is screwed.
they preach about no doing things for love. but to do things OUT OF LOVE.
that means in other words go and work for free. teach for free. because you love. not because you need the money. yeah.
you procreate coz of what? so singapore will not extinct lah. so we like machines to keep the country running.
we have like a prophecy or something.
see the love is always not pure love.
is always wanting to be needed etc.
want this want that. complaining about the other person not being as committed as you blah blah.
i havent been in a relationship since i was born and im still living life.
are you happy that way?
i use to think that people who have many equal ratio of friends of the opposite sex and same sex are like very super lucky why cant i also.
why is everyone out to make friends? everyone is going with the flow!
is it to really get to know them or to make them indebted to you? to make yourself feel good? i am guilty of that.
anyway i want to go toilet and shit now. and then wallow in self pity.
bye.

you know?
ni bu zhi dao de shi.

the feeling when you are like all alone.
after school. you come home with kanasai results
and the next day you need to drag your fucking body to the fucking school and every second every fibre of your being is screaming to go home.
but you cant. because education is compulsory. i never get a1 does not mean i not smart. acherly i very smart. i just lazy use can.
and no one is going to be there when you get home so all you can do is stone downstairs in the darkness or like come home and talk to your chair/bed/table.
why cant furniture talk.
and you try to sms some people hoping to get some consolation turning to people only when you need them is so despicable but i cannot control okay. so i text.
and i start being weird and stupid and sounding illogical in the sms.
and now i am freaking blogging when i should be watching tv or be in the toilet shitting.
you know what i dont want this to be me.
i also very sad.
i want to live in sierra leaone.
why you purposely dont want to reply my message? can we just say a bit of words to each other. what are words when you dont mean them when you say them? but you dont bother saying words. i will write song. song without words. coz some people dont use words. just ignore.
it hurts the most.
like yes everyone will get over it move on life goes on blah blah. but deep down inside the scars of your love. or my love. is like going to burn forever like an eternal flame.
and yes. it pissayes me off when people say that at this age relationships are not love. shuddup manzx. only you can love is it? you're not God!
i labb myselb okeh.

when you talk to me again.

and then church. going to church.
feel better. with nice people. are they just smiling
why do they keep smiling
dont like smiles
thank you ms yee mdm lee fangwei, lokyan, sheryl, siowpin andrea yinsiang grace melissa suyuan and so one people who have helped me in my life. and everything else.
this is not to show off like i got alot of people help me i so popular leh. no it is because i no know how else to express it. so i put into words. thank you very much.
someone once tolded me that i am not exhibiting the usual response of someone being maligned and that is doubtful. i was supposed to be agitated but i wasnt. tell me, how am i supposed to be agitated. capitalize every word i text?
anyway please tell me how to feel.
and now, please please.
i cannot think properly.
bloody emo. i am emo!
happy hor

i want to go to jubilate omg i am like a stalker/loser stalking people's photos on facebook. like this dateless person who didnt go to prom and is hiding behind the computer screen envying the lives of glamorous people. anyway i have just played finish neopets and yeah. and i bought a earpiece made of metal . thats what it says on the cover. so the music becomes like metal music.
a bit the waste the money,
cannot take it lah omg i hate myself tonight
why dont let me die away?
oh die die die. can i repeat it everyday so i will die?
like dying inside. you know? like spirit-ly dying.
yah lah. stupid shizxzxc.
whazz zis.

Dreams

That never come true.
I have always dreamt of going to school early. But do dreams come true.

the BIWs

and er yeah decided to stalk some.
and due to my fantastic eye for detail/great inference skills have uncovered the physical features of some too.
apparently at scrabble championships they hide tiles in their cardigans. tiles like Q,U,I,Z, (blank),E,D. AND THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE DAY'S 3 GAMES QUIZ(Z)ED WAS PUT DOWN. er ya. what does this mean. totally. what is ixunt. whaz zat. and throughout the games majority of such shit words like that were put down. and they dont even record their scores. how can quizzed earn you 235 points. turn the board to your advantage. dont record the scores. cheat other teams.
'hey you won by 95 points'
'95 where got enough'
seriously. get a life.
then you go and trash some other school by 7,000 points
is this what they teach you in school
then what kind of school is that
back in sec 1 when i played scrabble the same shit happened didnt know shit and yeah got trashed like shit. 100 plus points to 400 plus. see a phoney also dont know its a phoney. yeah and they use tile checkers. competitive until like shit. do they compete who shits the fastest too. waliao ehzzz. this not mahjong or what.
they know the rules freaking well. they know it freaking well. yet they still flout the rules. psle score a lot then can throw your weight around is it.
is talking/writing in cheem angmoh a big deal?
and they boast about playing phonies? 'i play dunno how many phonies'
and they bully girls? they dont announce their score. like if its not more than 30 points per word is like a vv shameful thing.
they dont write their score on the score sheets. they dominate other teams. for 4 years they go scot free. our future leaders. all hail.
blah blah. singapore is covered in white totally in white. symbol of purity? or death.

and er ya. fearing the future of course. and spending your life savings on a psychic and still not knowing the future. this is a sad sad world we live in correct

okay i hate this.
this is the most miserable one. please weep after you read this.

the desire to go on facebook so much and finally getting one facebook and spend hours on facebook and end up getting depressed and thus eating lots of food and doing random things like plucking your dead skin and yeah well fantasizing about people who will never like you. thank you facebook.

something lah

yeah so i had the most number of people calling my number yesterday like 30 plus is it right of me to be talking about it here? okay so apparently the majority (?) of singapore knows my number! omg.
how did this happen...
okay flashback
yeah so theres this advertisment on gumtree asking for flyer distributors paying $8.50 an hour at suntec city IT Fair. I also want go, should i be calling myself?
so alot of people have been calling me and asking about job vacancies and when i tell them i am not esther they refuse to believe me. they are confused. so am i. yeah must get to the bottom of this. but feel quite popular hor.
then got scolded by one of them 'ha. bwg right. bwg mai gong! dont gimme this alibaba reasons lah hor pls lah you think i yesterday born one is it ( no you today born one ) cb. knn. jibye. ( jibai? ) '
im going to work at the IT Fair.
Work for myself.

just some things to be miserable about (:

Soldiers who miss killing people
Poisonous berries
Your face
Jealousy
The desire of wanting your enemies to like you
People who like themselves
Sloth
Pride
Happiness
Dying while waiting for the mail to come
Third times that are not the charm
People who assume that God is whatever gender and ethnicity they are
Men with Jesus beards
Coveting thy neighbour's salary
Pitch-correction software that makes people who cant sing into pop stars
the randomness of the universe
People having more facebook friends than you
Lying about your weight
Lying about your height
Farting during meetings
Toothbrushes in toilet bowls
Stagnant salaries
Small talk
Going to bed and never waking up
Politicians that dabble in poetry
Poets that dabble in politics
The end of the world
The possibility that the arrival of a meteorite will extinguish all life on Earth
People who embrace themselves
Having no one comment on your status updates on facebook even though theyre really funny/sad/depressing/suicidal
Loneliness
Empty-ness
Going to bed angry
Knowing when your primary school friend is going to ntuc thanks to facebook
Being happy that youre sad
Being sad that youre happy

Is it worth it to pay like five hundred dollars every single month just to get an L1R5 of 8? Is it worth it. Just save that freaking fortune and then no need to study already. Study to get money. But I already got money so study for what? Put the money in the bank and earn compound interest okay. Does a1 guarantee a freaking future. Yes it does omg. Whats this man. Very despair now. At the edge of a breakdown. Because the poor dont have that option okay. The income gap is just going to get bigger. School is filtering out who is going to work in pulau semakau and who goes out and buy kate spades and earn fifteen ks a month. I've got no money no money no money like you!

Too busy making a living to live. Composite face. I have got no noonew like you. In remedial fail. In tuition fail. Live for so many years still die. Whats this. I want to live for 750 years. Then I can get a1. I can understand everything there is to understand. I can uncover layer after layer of lies. I will see the truth. One day. When I am the only one of my kind alive.

In secret we met:
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive,
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

多少两人漫步变成街上一个人哭着
唉 人都一样 远离快乐
被抛弃的纪念 马路上飘流者
谁记得那给你心碎的前者

understanding governance of your brain

but actually your freaking brain is governing your thinking! omg how to understand the brain. is like thinking to think or something like that. shit. or thinking a thought.
i will talk in mature way. i will have sensitive response to mankind. yes.
i want my existence to be a significant one.
anyway i quite angry with this human in my species lah. is she the same species as me? i think she is a rare species and must be analysed by professionals.
because she talk weirdly. lets analyse this ( i am not going to emphasize it because i am not a professional and thus should not act like one and highlight stuff that is not confirmed as important/worthy of human attention. ) i care for the eyes of my readers.
so here goes:
I want to salvage our friendship. ( note the failed attempt at the use of cheem english! )
But we have to work together. ( what this is a job meh? under primary/secondary/tertiary/quaternary industry? )
I know you cant stand it when _________and I talk about studies, perhaps you feel left out. ( coz i am so much smarter than you, duh. thats why you bore me and i leave myself out coz i am so much more interesting than you so i go talk to myself. dont even need to waste saliva because i can communicate telepathically and improve my angmoh coz i contemplate. and note the missing apostrophe at the cant? whats cant? cunt? dont know how to use basic angmoh still use salvage. ) WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU VEH SMART? IF YOU SMART THEN I ALBERT EINSTEIN. BUT OBVIOUSLY ALBERT EINSTEIN HAS PASSED ON SO I CAN NEVER BE HIM AND THUS YOU, TOO, CANNOT BE SMART.
Pls ( dont know how to spell again ) dun ( don't? you know angmoh anot? ) be offended if we correct you, cos ( cosine? i know cosine square plus sine square equals one! i smart man at least i don't try to speak math language and angmoh together. mathglish? what the shit is that ) we want you to excel.
( OK. how sacrificial of you to advise an ignorant human like me ) and i form a bad impression of you! oh no i have sinned.
please do not fart here into my phone thanks. and stop your verbal diarrhoea. you may be smart but you are obviously not a human being. if i ever compare myself to you it will be like hey look at me i prettier than that cat there! the cat cannot use mascara but i can! and im taller than the cat. and i also got long pretty hair! i smell like lavender and roses but the cat smell of soil and drains! in conclusion more people will talk to me instead of the cat! YAY.
what the shit is this. freaking funny.
makes me laugh like crazy to myself.
i am not going to be offended, more like amused right. because i have a higher literacy rate than you, higher human development index ( duh coz you are of a totally different species altogether ). and everything you say that might feel like a witty insult to others is going to come back 6 x 10^23 back to you.
do not think even for one second that money is everything. at least do not think YOUR MONEY is everything. other people money, maybe yes. but not yours. coz you use a different currency. ( you not human ) spending alot of money on your friends does not mean that you can insult them and treat them like pangsai.
sometimes we feel guilty when we talk or even think bad about you but you have the freaking amazing talent to take away all compassion we have for you.
be that way.

smart

i feel that i am very smart. i have been thinking very deeply just now. like contemplating my future my history etc. and i did not just think it. I CONTEMPLATED. like i used cheem words to think my thoughts. well. so i feel smart lah can. then i thought of oxymorons and felt veh smart as i try to imagine. no cannot imagine. as i tried to hallucinate. So cheem. like i never heard silence this loud before! its is a stark disparity. omg i love cheem words and phrases. i feel like a dictionary in human form! YAY. anyway one day i will. i will be good in computer. like IT expert. then i can make nice nice virtual life. i also dont know why. maybe for me to stalk myself or something. yes. no lah i want people to stalk me. you know why? coz i am a leaf but got no body. so i need stalk. kay what. anyway. yes. i also dont know what lah. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY! ( STAMPS FOOT IN A BIMBOTIC WAY ). but i have discovered steel inside me. no one can break me because i am seeing a trauma specialist.
walao whats this man. i think is so screwed up can. why i feel so sad? wrong. only on some days do i actually feel glad that i'm alive. yup. oh yeah. today i got this weird feeling. how to describe. but weird feeling will be described weirdly. OK. so i wanted to say, how much is this? then in my head i was telling my brain just say how much is this! just say. then i was thinking how to say. will it sound very lame? why i use how? how to use how? what does how mean? so i ended up saying how. then i pause awhile with mouth open. then close again then i said much. yup. like i think the sentence then i will think deeply ( contemplate ) then hallucinate then process then produce the word. didnt know talking was so difficult! everything is a challenge to me in this globalizing world. therefore i need to diversify my knowledge!
i am going to put up and tolerate sadness and loneliness because i am better than the rest of the human population. simply because i am not human. ( INHUMAN ) i can combine words! Omg! i so cool siahx. what shit lah i dont know how to stardae anymore can. then i think think think. why no one want to talk to me? am i difficult to comprehend? yes. am i rude? yes. am i weird? yes. do i dao people after i extract required info essential for my survival from them? yes i dao them and look away. i dao because i am a dao-ist! haha. marvel at my uncanny ability to turn everything into humour! yes yes. from now on i will make an effort to use a dictionary before i think. i will not think, i am hungry. i will think, the human being is experiencing a form of hunger and requires edible substance if not her activation energy will decrease. something like that. then i will drive myself crazy.

Back to May

Last year this day this time I had one of the best days of my life. Following which were a series of happiness and sorrow. Lets go back to May. Feels just like yesterday can remember it freaking clearly. Yes traumatizing haunting. Why give me just to take it all away after a few months. Speaking of which at least I have had haded. But now its all gone. If you ever come back? Do you prefer having had but then losing everything. But at least you had right? But isnt it sad if one day you were king and the people were worshipping you and at your feet and the next day you're in rags and starving and sleeping on the streets and the very people who were worshipping you yesterday are spitting at you now? Would it be better if you were a beggar all your life? Then you would never have experienced the life of a king and would thus never yearn for it and live in confusion the rest of your life (what have I done to deserve this? I did not get to show the people what a good king I could be. Why am I a beggar now? Why wont you give me a chance?) It would spare you from all the heartbreak and tears and frustration and time wasted pondering what you have done to deserve such a fate. At least you would be complete. You would be happy. Now I am shattered.
With you, I have/had(?) the best days of my life. Now its all gone.

I am talking. I am talking. I am in misery why wont you answer me. I sit behind the stupid face book screen staring back at me. Why do I do that. Then I scream into the pillow or hyperventilate to the wall. What. Yes the shock of face book. I have just discovered a freaking truth. A truth. Unbelievable truth but nevertheless still the truth . Shit man. So what if I know. Does it make a difference. Wont make a difference unless you know I know too. Why is the male population so lucky? Why do they get to serve national service. According to the secondary three social studies text book, the shared experiences, for example, going through military training during national service help to strengthen the bond among men. Then they also get paid for it. Then the females how. We are left lonely and divided and unbonded. And we got no benefits must pay adult fare and eat adult priced food. But ns men got benefits. Take public transport cheaper. Napfa run fast fast got money take. Female run fast fast fast fastest also no money take. Got use meh. Then got no friends also. And become fat coz no training. No bmt or what. Yah. Then kill ourselves by going slimming centre. Kanasai. Yah. Speaking of which I feel that people become faker after they go to church. Now faster hate me for saying this. I have decided to not give a fuck anymore because God forgives all sins is it. So everyone can sin to their hearts content and then in to church and be freaking forgiven. Why. And when you in to church you know more people. Naturally. (Of the opposite sex) so your love and friendship and care and attention is freaking divided. You cannot love everybody. Why? Because you not God. You human. You sinner. And as you jump and lift your hands to the high heavens you must be thinking. I wonder how good I look? I dont want to go anymore. I feel that the religion has been distorted terribly. (Yes note that I have been using i. Because this is my blog so this is about me me and me. ) And I know once people know what I am saying I will be judged and analysed and sued. But not so zai can go newspaper like jianglai. Coz my angmoh like sai. Okay anyway. Yes I believe in the bible. But why must people distort the religion like that. Go church why must wear nice nice. Wear shorts means dont respect god. Got dress code is it? Give us uniform year can? Wear pajamas go can anot. Never expose too much meat what. Hasnt God seen us in all states. Naked/dressed. Lastly. Bye. I am going to wallow in self pity now. And all of God's people say AMEN. I dont think you really give a shit to people who question the way you act. Because you are always right. Yeah you think God thinks you are right. In conclusion, because of the way I feel. I no longer have friends. I have to be taught how to feel. And you in go church, you 'know' more people. Seriously I envy you. (Which is why I am ranting here) you get more birthday wishes more presents more people for your entertainment more popular more help the benefits are limitless. But do you really know them. Or do you merely know of their existence and like a leech stick to them. Because we are all from the same church. And we gossip and judge people excessively. And if I ever go back to church again, I will be deemed a two faced bitch / despo pathetic creature wanting more friends/love and will never get it because come on, who gives a shit about shit?

watch the sunrise on your face

okay yah lah so anyway i damn pissed now. look whos miss pissy. yes me.
anyway today at library we had karaoke session! :D got songs like scissor sisters the beatles etc very naise. (Y) this symbol like represent something like very nice like that. makes me look cool also so i use it lor. ya ya. then the night study so many fireflies so i killed a few off. ya. but nevertheless. library is so fun. librarians can sing so well. like even oldies like beatles and scissor sisters and cao meng! (Y) (Y). sh0 happieeeee. but still i quite pissed because my name isnt written in the Book Of Life. this is so sad. i am so alone even when i talk to myself. even when i tell myself jokes it isnt funny anymore. perhaps i am the joke now. walao what can i do to not deserve this? but i very angry i want to talk about it to the blog and tell the world wide web. so i say a little prayer and hope my dreams will take me there. to see you once again my love. but no. anyway yeah the pe teacher scold me today lahh. everyday scold me coz i cannot run at the speed of light. then i complained at the last round lor. but i really got stomach egg lor. and i want to go toilet. but cannot must run finish first. even if you going to die must run finish then can die. okay neh mind. then must jump over some canteen benches. damn scary hor okay. like training circus animals without insurance! so i dare not jump and the teacher keep screaming. stop your nonsense blah blah dont always take the easy way out full of nonsense you continue like this you will get a stupid concussion. so i say back but its easy leh! and the stupid concussion make me stupid so i dont need come school lah got eternal mc. or get dc ( death certificate ). yes so unlucky right. i feel so sorry for myself lah. then i go and do my Olevel spa freaking wrongly. so today is the saddest day of my generation. in my family's history. and i got no one to share with you know? i only got me and myself. thats two friends. okay i make do with them first. yah so i effing pissed today. because got people like insult me. but is it i deserve it coz of the stupid way i carry myself. anyway nice people wont what. or they should like cant be bothered with me. so i quite angry anyway and want to explode like a volcano meets a tornado!
okay read this conversation.
so we were talking crap. then someone said this. ' i came in to st nicks through dsa hockey. ' ( because oral topic was tell me about a time when something didnt go as you planned. ) so i think the candidate wanted to talk about how she came in through dsa and academic results didnt go as planned. but its all made up lah its like a persona. but its okay what oral is not like must tell the truth what. you think national geographic or channel news asia is it. this is the noose man! anyway back to the reply of my source of anger. the examiner replied. 'hahahahahaha you dont even look like hockey player man. ' walao what talking you. you trying to say i not tanned not sporty enough? is it. or i cannot run properly or cannot throw ball or whatever. anyway i think its damn fucking insulting. but being the considerate 温文尔雅高贵大方 girl i am i never say anything lah. but now i very angry and i want to say this to youuu. the examiner. EH YOU DONT EVEN LOOK LIKE GIRL HOW YOU GET IN TO GIRLS SCHOOL AH. walao seriously i think even boys school dont want accept you because you dont look male also. look something like an in between like plastic surgery gone wrong? i suggest you go to the hospice and spend the rest of your life under the care of the nice social workers because you is going to die of fugliness soon.
theres a disease on your face called ugly. ( terminal disease )
like who are you to talk about others in such a derogatory manner when you are so much worse than them perhaps if you had shut up you would not seem so ugly anymore?
dont make your face look uglier than it already is. the reasons why people insult other people is only got two. is one. which applies to you hor. because they feel insecure about themselves and hence see the need to bring others down so that they can feel better. perverse no? or number two. which applies to me. because they want to give you a taste of your own medicine lor. even when you stand on the weighing machine and lets say it shows like 66kg you would blame the weighing machine for being faulty. whats this. why dont you just accept that you were born this way? ( Lady Gaga even dedicated a song to you ) what the heck.
okay. if next time i got no job you ( also confirm wont have one lah coz i so smart so pretty so tall so slim so sociable so kind no job leh how can you the complete opposite find a job unless got one job that requires english/chinese speaking animals)and i partner sure can earn alot money because everything you say is like a joke. and me blessed abundantly with this great sense of humour can make witty remarks about the things that come out of your mouth. ( refer above )
okay yup hence i end my rants-ing and the above story is completely fictional and bears no reference to characters living or dead any resemblance is a phenomenon because such a human being shouldnt exist in society. believing me is like believing Mount Faber is a mountain.

yah lah even though i rant finish still so miserable. eeyer. ):
am i being treated like sai? but sai is meant to be treated like sai what. but if you care for the sai right it can become fertiliser. so if you treat like a bad terrible fuck up lovingly etc one day the fuck up will become useful to you. dont give up on me. i'll meet you when my chores are done i dont know how long i'll be there but darling i'll never let you down darling wait and see. aiya all this is what i can remember. made a wrong turn once or twice dug my way out blood and fire.
so how. like tell me why lah. dont live me hanging. fun is it. tell me why you like that. why you so cold? the only thing i can do is meet you in my dreams or something? yah lah sound like a despo bitch i know. i need a slap and a stab too.
then dont have respect for me lah. not many people in this world do anyway. dont need respect. i not discipline mistress.
i might have been in love before but it never felt this strong.
eventually people will grow out of the things/people they love what right.
what if youre making me all that i was meant to be?
what about now? what about today? what if our love never went away? what if its lost behind words we could never find?
what happened to if you'd live positively enough we'd see?
now we're not even talking. and i tread the fragile catwalk between us.
yes i know there is no us but this is for my own reference can.
and the mosquito like to bite me alot nowadays. have i become sweeter?

You think you very smart. You flaunt your wealth your fake wealth what else your fake knowledge. Terrible. But you not smart one. Did you know slojd is a word. Do you know poi is a hawaiian pastry. And that ky means cows. Shows how shallow you are right. Fark you. I guess you dont know theres a disease on your face called ugly? You always say me for my flaws but you you are not any better. What is this. Go away lah. Anyway update on my life lor. To make you feel better about your existence right. Alot terrible thing happen to me lor. All I can say is I asked for it lah. I brought it upon myself. Hahaha. I always do that. Now I have no more money left. So eat what? Go to the dustbin and pick up some scraps of food lah. Then continue shitting on the place I sleep in coz I cannot afford sewage treatment.
跟你借的幸福　我只能还你　想留不能留　才最寂寞　心碎前一秒　用力的想拥着沉默　用心跳送你悲伤离歌　我像是你可有可无的影子　和寂寞交换着悲伤心事　对爱无计可施　这无味的日子　眼泪是唯一的奢侈　ok. Fuck off and leave me alone. Hopefully I will fuck off and leave you alone too. But most probably I wont. Therefore I am declared a chicken shit. Yup. Try to hold on. Just speak my name.

you are a laxative. you piss the shit out of me.

i like to shit on my bed

yes i think facebook is taking over the world. if facebook was a human being it should go to jail. because a lot of people use facebook as a medium to show off. like me. for example. it is a constitutional right for me. like for example if i win a competition i have to tell facebook. then people can praise me to the high heavens! :) YES! HIP HIP HOORAY FOR CLAUDIAAAA.

fuck you. why is it that. you have to think you are so smart.. even when you err you never blame yourself. what is your problem. you depress me till i go crazy you know?
let me give you an example of what you do. you try to aim a ball of rubbish at the dustbin. it doesnt go in, you dont blame it on your poor aiming skills. instead you say, it didnt go in because it hit the wall. (oh my god its the wall's fault! im going to sue it! it crushed my confidence! ) what the shit why cant you accept the fact that you were born this way. i am not one to comment because im not any better. but what. just like what you say better than you can already. righttt. okay i am not going to bother with you anymore. because i am in love with myself and need to spend more time with myself. because i am everything. i will make many facebook accounts under fake names and keep posting bootlicking stuff on my wall so i can show off too. and i know you will be freaking jealous of me because your life is conquered by facebook. haha. i will make 700 fake accounts and add myself. then i will have like 1200 plus friends and how jealous will you be!!! you will be mole-ly jealous.
shit man yes i admit im worse than pathetic but at least i dont cover it up manzx. i do not keep talking about people because i feel insecure about their statuses in my life.
the above shit is for my own reference only. believing me is like believing mount faber is a mountain.
oh shit nobody talks to my facebook wall i need to log in to my fake accounts now and post on my wall. baibaizxcs.
look at me. now. i have bad attitude and bad hair and bad breath and fat eyebags. and i drool when i sleep. anything else. sometimes im too lazy to go to the toilet so i just shit and pee on my bed. therefore i have pimples on my butt and numerous skin diseases. i am a disgusting animal and i should not go to school. you do not need to compare yourself to me and say how disgusting i am because there is no basis for comparison. it is like comparing yourself to like beasts? not even pigs. because pigs can be eaten but me i cannot be because i have lots of diseases. is that what you want? well that is what you are doing. because you see yourself as such. that makes you more pathetic than me you know. like youre worse than someone who is worse than pathetic. its very sad for you. yes. and when you smile. the whole world stops and stares for a while. you know why? because youre amazingly ugly just the way you are. im so mean omg. how how how? aiya but i never use name hor. i so cowardly manzx. i am talking about an imaginary creature! hahaha yes yes. so farnyyy. faster larf.

i feel like i am talking to myself. it makes me happy. its like i cant be myself until i am by myself.

i am totally unique.

one of a kind.

i am winded by this battle.

i have no key to your door. ( but i will find it and open your door )
to build a mind bridge towards you.
wishing it will span the angry swirls
of water churning beneath.

-gan see siong.

see even though i cannot construct proper sentences i can create masterpieces of poetry like this.

so you shut up.
one day you will analyse my work and me defined by the grade you get on you analysis of my worded diarrhoea.
YAY.

When i'm free, i like to suck a lemon

When i'm free, i like to suck a lemon.
angry angry angry. the poet uses repetition to emphasis on his increasing anger. if you dy/dx his angriness you will get an increasing function. his anger is like an exponential graph. no i mean her. she.
walaooooooooo.
my father fucked my mother right. and my mother gave birth to a fucker like me. therefore my life is fucked up. what is fuckery's sake is this.
i hate my life ahahahaha.
i want to get the first word squeezy. or quartzy. then i can get 126 points. i will be a scrabble goddess. memorise the dictionary got use mehhh. no have. he dont like my face what can i do. cant change it. but also no need so sarcastic hor.
you know how to play scrabble you very great is it. your fart is perfume is it. eeyer. scrabble sucks. scrabble is not even a word. hrrrmphs.
i will flaunt my wealth smartness. it is a constitutional right. we are all ego-nickstic.
i ooze smartness. my sweat has a smart aroma. bask in my sweat man!
walaoooooo.
I AM SO ANGRY AND PISSED I WANT TO EAT YOUR EYEBALLS.
shuttuppppppp.
gfyfuygiuhouie.
one day i wil know how to draw exponential graphs and gold plate copper door knobs.
yes yes yes.
but one day we're all just going to die so it doesnt matter at all.
because in heaven i know there is no such thing as additional math electrolysis magnetism alkenes alkanes. i dont think there is chinese even.
so does it matter, start planning for you eternal life now, die early! preferably nowwww.

So today. I decide not to go to school. They have been motivating us to do well dont give up blah blah. If other people can do it so can you. What the shit? If everyone is out there being lawyers and managers and actresses and obamas. They wouldnt want to wash their own toilets or wash their own clothes. So who is going to do it. There is going to be a social imbalance. So. It is like written in the book of heaven that this person is to wash clothes for a living and that person can be obama for a living. See. Not everyone can do it please. If not who sell you kfc. Who sell you macdonald. Nobody. You go eat yourself. And how to deal with stress? No dont dont take a break. Dont do your hobbies. Dont cheat yourself. The stress is still there. Just ball it up inside and remember that it doesnt matter because one day you're just going to die.

I know now most of things are my fault my deserve. So I am not going to ask, what did I do to deserve this? Instead, I will ask what should I do in order to not deserve this? Yup. Sorry for flaming you. I suck. You can put the blame on me. Mostly it is for my own good. Therefore. I will put in effort and do you proud. I have I goal. I hope. I dont know what I have. Now I know. I have a lot. Thank you for making me realise that. It may sound unreal untrue but I love you. This part is for my own reference. But the above, is reliable. Is truth.

i do not want this shit to be me either.
you think i like?
you think i like to smile is it? you think i like to go to school and get suaned. or go tuition and feel like animal? you think i like stay here. you think i like alive. you think i like. you think very nice. you think. everyday worry like shit, what if i cannot get into that jc how.HOW HOW HOW HOW. then i should go and die. then how to die. i die i unfillal. FUCKING HELL I NEVER ASKED TO BE ALIVE DAMMIT.
why is it wrong to like persist in what you love. why is it wrong. the purpose of life is to die. go school. the bloody system filters who gets to work in the toilets cleaning up shit and piss and who gets to sit in a bloody office and fight over who gets the family dog or something. or who marries who. or whatever shit that is. so do these people deserve it. just because they cannot express themselves on bloody paper they have to clean shit forever. and yes i am just saying this because this is my future. happy. if not i would not bother and would probably be shitting all over the place because someone will clean the shit. my shit. shiok right. where is the shit about being the servant. this is rubbish. however i am the real rubbish because i am the minority. minority is rubbish.
why must i feel indebted. i hate this feeling okay. you good to me because you want me good to you is it. if not you scold me say i bad woman mad woman easy come go thats just how you live take take take it all but you never give. i think this song is patriotic. like the person dying for the country. want take grenade. want throw hand on blade. want jump in front of train. but country dont want save him cause he minority. one person only. yup. my literature is bloody good like shit. thank you. whassa point. everytime ask me this. the point is that i am alive still alive.
but i dont want to be. i mean it.
i am very angry now. i hate my life. or is it a life. but it is not even precious. why didnt you abort me.
you born me to make you sad. then make me sad. then make everybody sad. whole world sad sad place.
very nice is it?
very fun?
everyday man, i feel like dying oh shit. i hate to go to school and still understand no shit. i feel like i wasting your money that you earned with blood sweat and tears you know? i am a wastrel. no need to forgive me. because i can never change. and i hate myself more than you can ever do. so finally, in a way, i am the majority.

hello blogger.
this is for my own reference. any coincidence to living material is not coincidental. ah shit. can i say fuck. can you invent another word that i can say to represent worst feelings than just FUCK. because fuck is a major major understatement.
i got diarrhoea everyday. fuck fuck bloody fuck. ah that felt better. i have a great life. fucking perfect please. i got school anxiety. no i got maggots in my stomach okay. then i can faster die slowly and people will visit me and i can live at least some days of my life in like bliss. i feel is good to have like seven days of bliss then compared to like fifty years of misery ( i going to die at like maybe sixty six unless i got nice happy familee. or my either parent die then i will together die with him/her. ) i got extreme body failure can. shit. why is this happening. i never commit enough i never do enough good deeds karma or what shit. i dont disturb you you dont disturb me okay. i dont nice to you you also dont nice to me lah okay can please. if not you nice then i not nice enough back then how you will hate me forever and ever and got bad bad impression of me then how. or i nice to you you not nice enought back i hate you also not nice right. i hate alot of people okay. so i suck. this is the answer to all questions. until the questions become rhetorical. yah. answer is cause i suck. okay very good. i dont get it lah. please.
i hate studying. i cannot study. i cannot function. i want coma for seventeen years. then i wake up everything will be nice. then i can be reborned. i got split personality i think. no i dont think. in short i hate my life and everything about me myself and i. i am not going to talk about God anymore. i have no right.

you stole my loneliness

i miss you.

Imagine the Miss Universe of the yar 226, 378.
You cant do it. Your brain cant process it.

Imagine the human race was wiped out now.
the world would be left in ruins right.
factories left running, cars left running. probably be a fire.
but if the human race was wiped out 2000 years ago earth would stay the same. no change.
see where we are heading to. no one has time anymore.
only humans have time. animals do not have time. with time our lives sucks.
it is not improving it is getting worse. so what we got nicer clothes to wear. got nicer food to eat. make people greedy and materialistic only. then got ion orchard. everything overpriced. because time is directly proportional to price. if last time we can live in trees and have more types of friends. maybe we can talk to deer and squirrels. and no need to learn math. and earth no need have polluted air. then no need talk about environmental protection. then no need recycled materials. like what the shit right. recycled materials expensive like fuck who can afford it everyone os so shitass poor can. then recycled for what for rich people to buy only then say what oh my god bless your heart youre doing so much for mother earth. when they are taking up so much of the world's wealth for themselves. and the poor are blamed for taking up worlds resources because they cannot afford recycled stuff. and no need have money. money is written by machines. how to make money. i want to buy some money also can. so now i very scared. the world is ending bit by bit. its so day of the triffids. what if i live to see that man. shit man. go and read this book 'girlfriend in a coma' by Douglas Coupland. very nice. like best book ever.
everyone is rushing for better jobs earning more money living in bigger houses. shit. i dont want to do that. dont want to live for that.
must get a1 then got future. future = more money. is it.
shit lah. whole day talk about this.
do we really own 80% of the world's wealth
anyway. yup. got holidays.
to do list:
nothing.

and i dont like the advertisment on the trains. the one talking about how to look out for suspicious characters people who act nervously when they're on the train. then leave a big black bag behind. dont let him leave! says the advertisment. very monotonously. the whole thing is monotonous and fake.
if i were a terrorist would i act nevously for people to alert the staff. no right. i would pretend i really forgot and maybe even leave my handphone behind so people wont suspect right. act nervously for what. think i stupid is it.

you'll fall back in love eventually

i wish i can have oral everyday too.
and today got learn new word.

观棋不语真君子, 落子无悔大丈夫

look at the chess pieces and dont say anything is a real good gentleman.
lose already wont have regrets so is a big hero.

cannot find on google baidu.
is a phrase that came out of chess player's mouth.

Also got,
观棋不语真君子, 落子无悔是小人
观棋不语真君子, 离手无悔大丈夫
观棋不语真君子, 落子无悔是玩玩

thanks.

我要的只是你陪在我身边

Doesnt dao that im from saint nicks i'm fucking smart can afford lots of expensive tuition filthy rich have perfect lives etc. Ok. Doesnt mean I dont suck at maths. Maybe I cheated at psle. Or the markers were drunk when they marked my paper. So now I am here when I should not be. Does that mean that if I am from north vista seng kang pei hwa you will care about me more help me more in math. You think I never mug like shit for this fucking subject is it. Do I look like I sleep and eat and shit only for the past one year. Well. You once said that you dislike schools that have only one race. Eg saint nicks. We are a chinese school. So you assume all of us are racist kias. We are materialistic bitches who will get whatever we as long as we whine for it or something. Is that truly your impression of us? Why do we do well at o levels. Tell me. It is not because we are fucking rich. Can afford expensive tuition. Are bitches who care only for ourselves. FUCK IT. We dont sit when we take public transport. We return our tray at macdonalds kfc mos burger and so on fast food restaurants. We even wipe the table after we eat. Do we bring food into tuition centres. And litter the place. Rhetorical question aint it! The number of hours of proper sleep we have in a week can be counted with ten fingers each finger representing a one. St nicks has nice awesome teachers who will stay back till eight o clock at night to help us who will sacrifice their holidays and recesses to teach us. They do not give up on students who have never gotten more than a C6 for maths since secondary one. Even they do not give up on us who are you a tuition teacher who claims that you do not cherry pick to give up on us. Just you wait. I am going to get an A1 for math. Do you get it. Yes. Me. A mother fucking A1 for mathematics. And do I look like I am laughing over the fact that I am going to fail my o levels. Is it very funny that I am wasting my parents money like that. Or is it very funny that I never improve here and still continue coming. Hahaha. Do I find it very funny. Yes I do. I am mad. I may suck at math but I know the importance of money. It can make you decide to save or leave someone to die for o's. Behold the power of money! Would it be better if I just go fuck myself and die? Is that what you are implying. I am going to exploit you and ask you questions. I will raise my hands up and ask retarded questions like x+tanx can I factorise out the x. Because I paid my fees. Because you are a good teacher who will raise never leave me in the lurch. Right. Never again will I be embarrassed about asking such questions. Because nothing is more important than o levels. Not even self esteem. Not even humiliation. Not even getting accused.
Yes. Ftw. Fuck the world. I am going to get A1 for math.

I am my teachers' work. You know? So there is no humane relationship between us whatsoever. As long as he gets his pay dont have to bother whether the work is done well or not. The work can just die and he wont give two shits about it. Like me. Yup. Got money can already. F9 so what. What else. What is the cost price of money. What is money made of. I also want to make money. Like literally. Make. Money. I do not want to be like this anymore. Speaking of which. Mdm lee is super cute. Why you dont know how to do? Because I got no brain. Why no brain? If no brain you should go to the museum. So rare leh. So cute. I will go and pass math. Yup.

Lets get out of the preacher's house shall we. Question your existence. Were you born to make my life miserable? I'm sitting at the void deck all day just imagine it. The people walk by. The people I see on the trains the buses everyday. Theres that guy who takes the 6.58am train. He walks by. Does if say a thing. No. No one will say a word not one thing. No one will ask, why the hell are you sitting at the void deck all day? No one will ask, whats the matter with you? The whole fucking day will go by. Why wont you talk to me? Because im not from the same church as you? Yeah you probably wont even recognize me if I was. What if I cant change? What happened to if you'd live positively enough we'd see? What do you see? Why does life seem so long and so short at the same time? Why is it so? Yeah why? What the hell's the matter with me? Who am i? Do you care? Do you care because you care or do you care because you have to care? I do not want this to be me. I'm waiting. Talk to me. Call me.

Shit do you think I like to study do you think I like to go to school do you think I like to wear clothes and tie my hair and eat the canteen food study fucking hard and continue to fail like shit is it. Is it very fun? Is it exciting? To see how much I fail by in the next test? And do I like to go for tuition and not understand a single shit and sit there like an oxymoron and after that take up the teacher time by asking him retarded questions that I should have known. Do you think I like to waste your time like that. Do you think I want to waste my parents money like that. I dont fucking mind to shower twice a week and eat one meal a day. Why do I have to learn these stupid subjects that I will never ever become good at despite begging and asking desperately for help. And I still fail. So where in this shit lonely world do I go now? Neither here nor there. I have to swallow my fucking tears and scream silently inside because my family will be shamed or something if I do not. Yeah. So how. So I said fuck. I have been fucking trying. Shit does it work. I am born this way. Yup. Haha. A hopeless case right. I know you fucking mock me because I cannot do math. Because I am a retard, a complete hopeless failure in a school that produces top o level scorers three years in a row. And you know what. What I wouldnt give to pass math. Why must I study. My parents lust produced me. I am merely a product a consequence of their lust. So how long can lust last? Every night. I have been sitting here. Squatting lying. Twisted in weird positions. Thinking studying math like that will finally help me pass? No such luck. I am going to fail nevertheless. My parents are sad miserable people. I have no home. Do I want to have no home in a place where the majority have homes. I want to be in a place where the majority have no homes. I want to be the majority. Yup. This is the question. If there is a God, why does this kind of thing happen every single night. You claim you love God. Do you know who God is. Fine. You know. Then this is the place that God forgot. I am the creation that God forgot.

i have this weird thing that i must do like i have this weird thoughts that i must climb up the stairs when i have a super heavy school bag and the lift already reach the first floor and the need to plug out the laptop socket when i am using it just to see if it will power off anot and whether it will still function. yup. the extreme urge to wipe the tables and chairs in kfc then i like to kneel in the toilet and pray and beg for miracles to happen then i will put my head on the floor three times but the miracles dont happen see here i am caring about myself more than ever like how i look et cetera must have a set of values to live by even if it means being alone forever anyway my mother went to her company dinner and dance event thingy at some yishun country club just now i keep telling her the way she dress is fugly and unsuitable and then i got scolded because i got nothing nice to say about her she is very pretty yes but the way she dress is horrible so i tell her but she dont want to chenge so she went to the dinner and dance thing with bad makeup and bad dressing i told her to wear jeans and t shirt and slippers because she has natural beauty and it will make people notice her more right among all the other poseurs and fugly vain yaya people but she tells me no i must stand out and dress up my friend buy hundred and twenty dollars dress okay! okay so how. just now she come back at twelve am and i tell her her eyes look horrible and then she became very sad because she agrees with me she tells me this is retribution although i think karma is a more appropriate word yes. she say last time she say her boss eyes very ugly so now she got ugly eyes too and everyone will talk about it then she became very sad and came into the room and asked to sleep with me which she never does as she says i am very very smelly and have body odour and she likes to scold me for many things like dropping hair onto the floor. like natural dropping and she can ask me about house rental thingy when i am studying for geography exam yup i tell her i am going to die from studying and why she dont care that i am going to die then she tell me now very challenging got alot of foreigners very smart you study method use wrong dont do text book do ten year series i tell her i got no foundation already yah dont know how i got into st nicks okay did i cheat in psle i buy alot of assessment books and yeah i dont know how to do most of it so i am like disappointing her as she said i ahve invested alot in you blah blah i hope she did not invest in me because i am not definitely will reap in profits i have no brain do you think i like to be like this do you think i like to go for fucking tuition and ask the very smart teacher simple questions like binomial theorem and he tells me i got no foundation and should go for emaths tuition and i have only seven months left and thus i will die or no i should probably kill myself instead of breaking my mother and grandmother and father heart. either way i will break their heart so i am stuck here with no brain and cannot go and die either do you think i like to go for tuition and beg the teacher to teach me i like to stay back and ask the teacher questions and eat his time i know he thinks i am a retard or a lazy shit because i keep asking him the same questions over and over again. he tries to get me to solve questions in class when he does them on the board simple questions. very very simple questions. i did it. then he says he is very proud of me i am very smart etc he exaggerates. okay then my friend solves this super super hard question. he goes this girl is amazing. you own everybody. he uses the same adjectives he used to describe me. where is the superlative and whatever. i know i am fucking hopeless at maths and helping me is a bloody waste of precious time and i know that because i cannot do amaths i have no future and should totally stop walking on two legs and eating food i should stop being a human being and turn to an animal because animals can eat right can let people with brains survive its like you got no brains so you cannot contibute to society's development in any way at all so you should become food for others it works this way for animals what the weaker ones become food so it should work this way for humans because humans = animals. tuition and not results. that is me. she is under the illusion that i am doing very well in school but i am not. in face i am failing every single subject and how do i tell you i had a crying marathon outside the teachers house one day because she say i cannot sing i will fail again. so i cry lor. so i cry and sing. yah my sing is talking the lyrics out. if i go high she will laugh at me. cry and sing suppose to be very romantic and nice and touching right but obviously it comes out sounding like a bird being slaughtered and is crying. so after the lesson finish she tell me you close your ears for eight years already and you tell me you dont know when i ask you question you expect me to tell you the answers to everything you are too spoon fed no i like to eat with forks and knives and she says just like you cant construct sentence i cannot tell you to write essay right. "BUT I CAN WRITE POEM LIKE SHAKESPEARE CAN."poem no need sentence. just words can already. i am just asking for the meaning of the question not for the answers. and why why is this so. why must you go and accuse me when i never do it. 'i cannot trust you because i dont understand you' and i have no right to say back anything or say you cannot say that because we are not related yes. this is nothing. i cannot study i cannot give love i cannot become food i cannot become a daily necessity there is no use for me already right
this is why am i not normal.
define normal.

i have irrelevant thinking why is this i only care about myself and how pathetic my life is when there are people lying hurt and in big pain i am here sitting alive and well i do not cry for other people i only cry for myself for sixteen years i realise the times i have cried is when my life sucks or when i do not get what i want it is always like that i have no heart i dont care for the life and death of people i have no feeling like a man tou and all i do is sit and rot away while people help me to stop rotting while i complain about my rottenness what am i trying to prove here on this blog this blog is a selfish place where i talk about myself in order to gain attention from the public the world wide web i only care about myself i date myself narcissistic self centered okay yes please stop reading this thing called a blog it is materialistic and superficial it is a surface area which is fake it is untrue i want to sit long times with you and do things for you i want to give you love do you need love from me am i capable of giving love i keep telling lies can i help you with you homework it is because you were teaching me then you were hurt i am sorry this is because of me but you know god dont punish me physically because the physical hurt is like too easy punishment but he must make me see it on other people what i caused out like the victim is the poor planet earth who give me a home and raise me up and i hurt it like how the trees all die and how i step on the grass and use a lot of non biodegradable plastics sorry
i only sit around heartlessly doing my own things for my own benefit never once have i thought of other people i am caught up with myself i am filled with myself
you raise me up and i stood on mountains i stood alone because after you brought me up you fell

i hope you are okay sorry please be okay how can i help you can i go and help you i know i am superficial and like a surface area instead of the internal volume and you are always there to write post its for me and letters and notes which is heartfelt anf thoughtful and i am always the person receiving it and keeping it and not doing anything in return sorry please you were always there when i was like depressed and stuff like that and was always so nice to me when i do not deserve it i am like a leech a harmful leech or a gold digger how and i have not been talking to you or walking away each time and drifting away how do i go to you before the exams you were there to cheer me on with your smses but here i am doing nothing while you are in pain i always thought i was the pathetic one and now i realise that no i am blessed to have you here and listen to me and read this bull shit of mine and care about the shit that i say i should disappear away and never appear please please be okay i want to call you and talk properly to you but i am in no position to do that i am only a superficial bastard here that is a fake human being what can i say what can i do i am sorry

Yesterday while at kfc. I was listening to music while studying then this like very gossipy guy came in and sat opposite his partner. They began talking loudly thus me over hearing was inevitable. The guy said, I used photoshop to remove all her moles and pimples. Since you are my best friend I let you read the letter. (Love letter that he was intending to give his girlfriend on v day. ) Ok then he read the letter out loud and this is what it said. Are the photos nice. I photoshopped your pimples. Yeah then his friend told him. If I got alot of pimples and someone use photoshop to remove them and then give me the photo I will be damn offended. Hahaha. So the guy correction taped the first part of the letter away. Then they went on to talk about brown cats and physics ten year series. They were j2 I think cause they were doing physics tys november 2009, current electricity. Anyway because it was freaking funny I laughed and immediately smsed people to tell them of this best v day present ever and also as an early april fool joke. Then the guy. The very gossipy guy who keeps talking suddenly said eh I just realised. That girl there hor..(then if lowered his voice testing me see if I would turn around. But I was very shocked and scared they would whack me. Yeah so I concentrated at the wall. Then he said again. Listening to music hor. Crazy lah who was the one talking so loudly har. Yah so. Then today. Fucking valentine day. I met a screwed up auntie. She was quite old although she still had black hair. Yah then she got in the train bu city hall. It was packed so got no seats. Nobody give up their seats. But when the train got to the second stop got people alight. So she got seat to sit right. She couldnt even stand stable lah. Then she still dont want sit you know keep asking the woman beside her to sit. Keep nagging at her to sit. Sit sit sit. They two keep saying. So the woman got no choice but to sit. The old auntie keep saying I few stops only never mind one. Please lor. Six stops is a few meh. She got off at bedok. Whats up with her man she want other busybody to take photo of her and stomp her as poor thing then the other people sitting down as ugly singaporeans is it. If she fall down how. The people sitting down will be like unforgiveable sinners right. She is so perverse. Okay then I using phone and walking down the stairs after alight from the train. Got one bitch and one bastard behind me who dont look like human being at all lah. Keep scolding me in chinese. Why she walk so slow cannot go down then sms is it. I was walking at an average pace okay fuckers. Not like you are olympic staircase climbers right. Then I look at then they immediately shut up dont dare talk. Nehmind they are vulgar fuckheads probably going to rot in jail soon. I wish I had some contagious disease so I can spit on then and contaminate then so they willdisappear from the face of this planet and the world Will be happy again. Should I wear black clothes and have multiple tattoos so they will shut the fuck up and run away when they see me.