though i will be,soon.
i need to organise my life and break away from this vicious cycle. the only reason why i came back to this fuck hole was for my piano ( which she calls 'hers' as well because she paid for the space and electricity and tuning ) and nothing else. i do not have anymore emotional attachments to the room that she claims she 'paid 500 dollars for so she has all the rights to it - including full control over my things including sleeping there when i am studying including putting her stuff in a mess over the floor. ' what else, i hate her existence in my life i absolutely detest it and i am determined not to feel anymore emotional attachments towards this woman. because i am just going to be pissed and annoyed and self - piteous over the shit she creates. although being sad is easy so i am just going to remain this way so no one can burst my happy bubble because i simply do not have one. i only have a sad stone. a sad rock. i live in a sad hard outer covering so it is hard for people to destroy it. right now what i really want is to laugh in the face of adversity and write painfully funny things about my life so it will be so funny and i can be so happy and people will be happy and laughing as they read this which is probably not going to happy because i only moan and groan and let out mental diarrhea here. and the language people adapt from the english language is so funny , like ' where is you be' 'i haz no friends' ' indild, a secret, come share with us " ( this is a quote from my sec 4 classmate ) and she adds 'l's to the and of words because that's what miss yee used to do. it is so cute and original and st nicks-y and i miss it so much
OK. back to begging. begging Miss Havisha, which will get Pip nowhere, nowhere but more moral degeneration and more life of crime and punishment and disillusionment and no pretty Estella and kind Biddy and fatherly Joe Gargery. which means pip remains single for the rest of his life and probably lives in a pathetic cottage in deserted part of London and is a sore loser, social outcast who eats his meals alone and probably spends his time moaning and groaning about how pathetic he is and not go out to ntuc to buy necessities because he can't be bothered anymore and what's the point anyway? he will never be part of the aristocracy, and he doesnt fit into lower class anymore. he is nowhere. he is a drifter. he is a loner. he stands alone. a single species of his own.
OK. My life, and my reading of Great Expectations, and my studying of it, foreshadows my future as well. my life parallels that of Pip's! where is my Abel Magwitch please come out now
while stalking people's blogs i chanced upon this good book:
Georges Bataille - Story of the Eye
I am going to read it. highly recommended book!
so now i am very angry at the world and i hate everyone.
today i went out with S, XH and E . we had a happy time and was laughing at a saleslady testing out the slimming equipment - which requires her to stand on a vibrating platform thingy and vibrate for a while so we saw her with her arm fastened on her hip while she vibrated for all to see and we laughed and laughed although E didnt talk much which is sad
then we went home and E left without me perhaps i do not fit into his social class. the events in Great Expectations are unfolding one by one in my life how creepy is that
dont want to do anything because i am emo and angry and sad i dont know what to do to repay the people who are nice to me because there are so many people who are bad to me so it kind of balances everything out. this is the natural order of the universe and i should not do anything to disrupt it's course so will continue hating things as they are
