I feel as if I have won a lottery of a million dollars then allowing me to bask in that life-changing happiness for a few days. Then after that. You tell me I am in debt of a million dollars. How does it feel. You take it all away at once. I was dying of happiness and now I am alive with sorrow. I wrote a four page long letter with no paragraphing for someone who is never going to read it. It is written in disgusting english. Words of a lost language. I dont think its comprehendable If the person ever reads it he/she will see me for the mad obsessed perverted twisted freak I am. I dont understand the human heart. Only pain makes it grow stronger. Only sorrow makes it kind. Contentment makes It wither and joy seems to build walls around it. The heart is perverse and it is cruel. I hate the heart and it seems to hate me. When will it stop beating for me? There was this one short moment when I felt appreciated/loved. Then the next moment or like forever for the rest of my life. Its over. And I am completely alone. But still. The promises made were true at the point in time doesnt mean its true now. I get this really intense alone feeling. Why. It is an unsolved mystery. I have no more thoughts. I am mad. I have lost my mind. I am completely different. And I am sorry you know? I am very sorry. Please dont hate me. I am in a state of stonation. Irrational. Abnormal. Mutant. Deviant. Tribulated. This is free writing. Cant stop talking. I look at life differently. I do not look at it from a human being's point of view. Can I change? And if I do change will I be accepted? Will you accept me? Do you believe me? Will you understand me?