I am ignorant and hypocritical. Please dont hate me.

At least I havent been told to fuck off yet. There is nowhere to run already. Like each day I am waiting for the terrible thing to happen to me. Wait and wait. And get scared and freaked. I wish I hadnt done so many things. And know what to do now. I have experienced the highest form of rejection. I must stop talking shit. I disgust myself. Again I cant seem to fuck off. I am the lowest form of life. Really I feel like a parasite. I wish I was the host instead.
All I ever wanted was for a simple way to communicate with you. haha. I dont want be in the state of emptiness and solitude and parasitcness now. I want to talk properly too. And be understood that I know my limits. Doesnt matter to people anymore. Doesnt bother them. How. I hate me too, I want to be a baby again. At least they can communicate properly. Okay. As long as I have food to eat clothes to wear place to sleep. Nothing else matters already.

i do know alot of things. i know.
but i can only wait for those things to happen and then try not to die.

run the fuck away

i feel like a stupid fucker ):
very very stupid. i thought my life would turn for the better but it has not. it is becoming shittier and shittier each day. i can just feel it. what if i fail eoys. then how. fuck. where is my life? i have been failing like shit and now the shit has become diarrhoea. shit shit shit it. isnt my command of english really disgusting. i dont know why i talk/type like that either. i should shut the fuck up and just get on with rotting and being the stupid seat filler i has always been. i feel gross and disgusting. like i dont belong in my skin? why am i so fucking weird? and i am always late for school despite all the efforts i have put in. even spending 14 dollars on the taxi does not make me on time. i feel so screwed hahaha. i hate coming online. why do i hate coming online? because appear offline so i dont feel left out that no one comes to talk to me. why do i resort to such acts. i need to make myself feel better. i need to play an important part in some people's life. i need to be involved in peoples life. correct. why i cannot. why do i need to fuck off from peoples life. probably i should shut up now
oh yeah and i hate it when i forget to shit before i go to school. then i need to shit in the disgusting squat toilets because i dont want to get pimples on my ass by using the seat toilets. then i cannot enjoy my shit and the whole day gets shittier and shittier and when the day finally ends i am suffocated and strangled by a mountain of shit. tell me what is the purpose in my life? why do i exist like this? why does the school need so many students to do the same papers? what the heck. i am not cut out for studying.
fuck fuck fuck i am disgusted by myself how. left 19 days and 55 chapters and i havent start anything can you believe it. i will fail definitely for sure right. not everyone can re live their sec 3 lives and be young like me right. no time left already. i need not study because it is so fucking pointless. i will not fight life anymore because it always wins and i am fucking tired. i need to run the fuck away. today i was very scared and freaked i know if i fail i can just go and die and will need to murder myself. the thought scares me okay. and i needed to go bang my head on the wall or something to stop feeling so freaked and screwed. i hate the way i act too. why do i have such a face and body? everytime i am either defined by the way i look or the grades i get. why is my life defined like this. why am i defined like this. it was obviously a stupid mistake to get into st nicks right. i was only accepted cause they got extra space or something. the stupid PSLE score doesnt prove anything okay. i had alot of expensive tuition to get that stupid mark which is not proportioned to the money spent on getting it lah. so now no more expensive tuition means no hope. there is no such thing as nothing is impossible. can a one legged man run a kilometre in 2 minutes. can someone who failed eoys promote to sec4? there is no such fucking thing. such nonsensical quotes just make people feel stupid and worthless. i screwed up my life havent i. even my mother says so. "because you never listen to me"
i hate the way i exist. i dont understand any fuck now. why is everything so hard.
now i must go and sleep because that is the only way to not feel freaked about the deep shit i am in now. it is like quicksand shit. i cannot get out and i cannot fight it because it will be worse.
oh yes. melissapong smells like baby powder! <3
i am surrounded by cute people.
andrea yinsiang kiayuen florence grace lokyan maryanne xiaoyou. <3 we have alot of happy together. next year i wont get to see them anymore. see this is how screwed my life is isnt it. i hate the heat capacity thingy i dont understand it even after staring so fucking long. and tomorrow i will be late for school again. stupid.
i cannot die so early i scared. i also want to have a big big obituary and a lot of descendants. and i havent do a lot of things yet right. i will never get to do it what. why is everything so hard. i am sorry. and i hate yesterday because it was lantern fest and i never go and hold lantern in the park and play with candles and drink tea and eat mooncake and guess light riddles. i am being unwanted. i dont belong anywhere shit. my presence is not essential. it is not even wanted. i need to be wanted. i need to be needed.
okay byebye i need to sleep because that is what i do best.

我害怕热爱生命的人。在这些人面前我觉得很惭愧。对不起　yeah I have been a horrible shitz to all the people around me...esp the people who give me the pink book wanting to give me motivation for eoys. Andrea Xinrong. Grace. Kiayuen. Maryanne. Lokyan. Florence. Melissa. Sherry. Yinsiang. Xiaoyou. Thank you for like helping me and giving me alot of help. You all are very nice to me and if I dont live properly and do well I have failed as a person and I dont deserve the book thank you all so much for putting in alot of effort to help me. I will go and try my best and I am sorry I know it is too late to now then start. But thank you alot for doing so much for someone like me

And then I am like eating a terrible dinner now why so weird uh. Its like freakhog sour and stinky, fml it cost like four dollars and twenty cents stupid shop
Fuck shit I hate my family manzx. They only care about themselves

I have a shit family fuck it. I think my parents and grandmother and aunt want me dead or something. Okay so I was like sick right, and then I didnt know if its like some acceptable sick or what so I went and took a taxi which is like eight dollars and then still late for school waste money. Shit life. Okay but that is not the point. Then go class, and maryanne melissa etc kept making me go home and lin lao shi is very very nice saying he can bring me home at twelve after his chinese lesson. So nice right, thanks okay anyway then I sit with Vernice in her dads car and they ride me home thanks so much. Okay then I call my mother who sniggered at my pain saying so you never go school? Oh so you went and come back again haha. What the fuck right, where got mother like that one. Yeah then I had to alone see doctor at the polyclinic because got government subsidies so must wait very long like one hour plus. But the doctor and the polyclinic people very nice. So I go home and sleep like shit. Yeah then my mother comes home and does her own stuff as if I am just part of the atmosphere she doesnt even acknowledge my sick pitiful presence. So then my grandmother comes home with dinners, then the aunt was like v pissed and started shouting and slamming doors saying she foot want look after her own kids why you have to buy dinner for them dont buy for them who ask you buy for them. Fuck lah right. Then the mother was like I never ask her buy hor. See no one is responsible for my life. Then the aunt was like your kids confirm fail one lah. What a pathetic life I have. Look at the family. I think if I like die then the family would be closer right, I should die like a tragic hero like romeo and juliet because once they died the families stopped fighting right. Anyway right, my family want me out of their lives and I wished I wasnt part of their lives either. Look how am I going to pass eoys like that. I have this terribly screwed life. I want to be anywhere but in this shit place. I cannot study properly like this I just want to sleep till I die or something. Oh yeah I hate those korean bands who sing in english, sounds terrible :-(

why the fuck am i still alive

i rot and then i die i got one life and i screwed it and no one is going to cry at my funeral because i didnt touch anyone's life. i will die quietly. isnt that good? thats peaceful. its not good to contribute to noise pollution. haha. i disgust myself.
what if one day i have to talk to my furniture? what if one day i am all alone and no one gives a shit about me anymore? this are perfectly good reasons to want to die.
because if i cannot pass the freaking math/physics test i cannot calculate my worth as a human being and therefore will die. and the stupid physics teacher should be banished from moe. i hate her. but i keep laughing whenever she scolds me. she scolded someone can you dont be so irritating just because he asks questions. it is so obvious because she is stumped for words and is too ashamed to admit it. okay fuck i need to go and rationalize my surds and learn about the norm so i can live by the word of god and stop committing blasphemy. shit i hate this. my life is a complete screw up.
i dont know what im doing on this earth but it doesnt matter because im going to die. it gets harder everyday and then theres facebook to remind me of the sucker that i am. why do i still go on facebook? what the fuck is wrong with me? why am i giving singtel my money? why do i have a phone? it just makes my life depressing that no one messages me and i always have to go start a conversation. and my mother says im going to get brain cancer from that phone. yeah i already have brain cancer theres a freaking tumour inside the brain that is giving the hand weird thoughts to type here. i must practice. i must practice to stop talking to people to stop staring at the stupid phone wishing it will ring or what kay fuck
the church keeps telling us that we have to change lives. transform lives. i cannot do that lah. i dont deserve to go to church for services like a freeloader. anyway i am looking for excuses to not go to church i know, look at the sucker i am
and then i dont know why all this shit is happening what the shit have i done i know i have done alot of shit and i am in very very deep solidified shit i cant get out anymore i dont want to be alive because math and physics is compulsory, fml fml fml.
i am alive for all the wrong purposes. i know i am going to live with regrets. i know it. i am going to regret my life. i need to quick go die. if only it were that easy right. why am i online? why? and why are some persons talking to me? it is always like that they talk to me for a while out of fucking obligation then they run out of stuff to say then i also got nothing to say what since they already found out what they wanted right, like i am a freaking experiment/specimen for their boredom or something right so throw away after i have been analysed haha i am this sour sour person who cannot see good in anything i shamelessly need somebody to come and talk to me hahaha how ironic is that okay i need to shut the fuck up and rationalize surds byebye i havent studied done any homework at all i will die anyway my death is supposed to be a good thing but then all the preachings will have been wasted on me and the precious resources i have used but it is better to die earlier if not i would be wasting more of these resources. i am not worthy of these resources. WHY MUST I RATIONALIZE SURDS. and what happy birthday. the day i was born was the day tragedy started. it should be sadie birthday or something.
okay and lastly its JOEYLEE'S birthday today. happy birthday gay <3 i love you forever haha. (:

i will die if i think again

i have alot of problems. i cannot solve my problems. how can i like do math problems. how. i hate surds. why google cannot teach surds. i hate surds. hate it. i hate log. i hate. why must know how to do surds and log. why. for what. is no use. i hate math. i will fail. once a failure always a failure. and i just did the best math paper ever. like throughout the whole year i always fail right. and then this time i fail worse the ever because i just stoned at the fucking paper without doing a single question. i mean like i just did 2 freaking questions out of 7 questions. the rest is like BLANK. like i will get like 5/40. okay thats it. and now i am in the saddest part of the world doing very very sad things.
I AM ALL ALONE. ALWAYS ALONE. and i wish i would shut my fucking big mouth up.
like i wish i never need to go out again, coz i have a fugly face and fugly legs and arms. and i will give people sore eyes by walking on the streets thus committing a terrible sin.
i wish i is dead. why dont i just get on with dying already huh.
fuck fuck fuck.
what is wrong with me.
and i dont like my family because it is very small.
i want a big big family so i can have lots of people to live with and sleep with and eat with and talk with.
i will make a big big family for myself i swear. okay that is my goal. i will live for a future big family.
okay good.
it gets harder each day you know anot.
i got no one to talk to. anyway also dont need to talk what if got nothing to say dont bother talking right. i also got nothing to say to anybody anymore. its having a pointless conversation haha. soon we will all die in silence or something. i have gone really really mad i talk to my chair and table and papers and pens. what the fuck. i cannot exist like that right. i want to die dammit. it is torturous to live like that.

i am a terribly screwed thingy.
really really really screwed. i am going to fuck my life.
i am becoming badder. worser. suckier.
how?
i think i have like brain cancer or something, my head is like going to explode and the body is like breaking down
but i dont like the way it hurts leh.
i dont like it at all.
fuck lah, i feel like i cant feel anymore.
i am going to fail my eoys because i never study at all because i dont know how study ):

and and get well soon Yeexiang! ): slap my nehnehs! ♥

I am consumed by my own thoughts. I cannot stop talking to myself like a crazy freak. I hate myself. I am not normal. I am not gods creation. Fuck. Why. And I have I terrible physics teacher. She is a terrible human. You know what she said. These are the easiest questions on earth! (Refering to the past o level physics questions) what the heck. She is insulting the setter of the questions is she not. A p6 boy can do this! I can drag a boy from that class and he will do the question. Oh fuck obviously his teacher is better than you what. Then she says, I have never seen anyone as idiotic as you people! She thinks shes some president or something like we will all die if not for her sacred presence. Why am I being treated like an idiot no one has ever seen? This is always happening. I am a freaking useless shit trying to be I freaking human and fit into this elite society through underhand means that yield terrible results. I should just stop trying fuck. Like face it lah. Shit can never be human. Like I am physically human but inside this fake exterior you will discover piles and piles of disgusting stinking shit. I need to shut up and get on with dying. But what the heck lah if I die I can never get married and have sex and have kids and have my own family tree. Aiya but no one wants to marry shit anyway. I need to go on blind dates and use dating services if not I will die pathetically with not a single human bu my funeral. With no love. I will die a terrible death. How? I need to belong somewhere. Is shit classified? This is not even useful shit. It should not even exist. Like I. I feel like a fucking outcast. Like a wasted shit. Like I try freaking hard and dont get accepted. Because it was not meant to be. Shit was not meant to exist, let alone have a chance to thrive. So why do I exist? Why am I alive? It is selfish to remain alive just because I want to fucking get married. Like to be wanted. Accepted. Thats what my whole life is about and at the same time my existence makes other peoples life miserable. Imagine having to put up with shit constantly. I really really want to go to jail. Then I can be part of the yellow ribbon project and live a new life. Theres so many things coming up and I am not involved. I am like a mosquito. Revolting. Even I revolt myself. A sucker. My life was not meant to be. It was a big fat lie and now the cover is blown. I am back to being a shit. A pariah of the pariahs.

Reflect on my actions:
Why I should kill myself:
1) I have made too many mistakes and being alive just makes me make more mistakes.
2) My life is too screwed too many mistakes nowhere to run impossible to change.
3) Dont have to fail anymore math tests ever again.
4) Dont have to live like shit ever again.
5) perhaps the st nicks education system will change
6) Dont have to feel sad angry inferior screwed up guilty pathetic stupid suffocated three useless failure anymore
7) since I hate my life so much why not die instead of wasting precious resources. Okay I will die nicely so I can donate my blood and organs
8) I have killed too many people with my selfish actions
9) cant get anything right lah. Too many mistakes, isnt that why criminals are given the death sentence.
10) Dont have to worry about stupid things
11) no more of being always alone
12) no need of trying to be accepted
13) no more of being hated
14) then I can like sleep forever
15) problems and conflicts and misunderstandings will be reduced
16) there would be more oxygen and less air pollution and deforestation
17) the world would be a better place
18) my parents are suffocated by my existence
19) I hate it lah. I know you hate me too
Shit I really am too scared to end my life. Fuck me. Gladly I would wish you take my life away I am a fucking shit and I cant do anything right

Please dont hate me. Learn from your mistakes. Theres too many mistakes where do I start learning from. I cannot do this anymore. Too many chances have been given and I cant change. Still the same worthless fucked up shit. Always alone. This is all my fault. What should I do now. I cant do anything at all. Why am I still alive? Theres no purpose. Life sucks then you die. Then it sucks again. Like how, I have screwed everything. Cant keep my fucking mouth shut. Cant pass my fucking exams. Cant. What do I do now. I think jumping off buildings is really scary. I am freaking scared of heights. Although it promises instantaneous death. Dying is so freaking hard. Living is harder. I need to get over my fear of dying. Fuck. Nobody would talk to me now. My life is like hated you know. Like thaksin/osama/saddam hussein etc. Being alive just makes things worse. It gets harder each day. I make my mother angry/sad. She has failures for daughters. I have made terrible mistakes. I need to go to jail and serve a sentence and then I can turn over a new leaf. I cannot live like this anymore. How many people have I killed with my selfish actions. Really. I am sorry.