I am my teachers' work. You know? So there is no humane relationship between us whatsoever. As long as he gets his pay dont have to bother whether the work is done well or not. The work can just die and he wont give two shits about it. Like me. Yup. Got money can already. F9 so what. What else. What is the cost price of money. What is money made of. I also want to make money. Like literally. Make. Money. I do not want to be like this anymore. Speaking of which. Mdm lee is super cute. Why you dont know how to do? Because I got no brain. Why no brain? If no brain you should go to the museum. So rare leh. So cute. I will go and pass math. Yup.

Lets get out of the preacher's house shall we. Question your existence. Were you born to make my life miserable? I'm sitting at the void deck all day just imagine it. The people walk by. The people I see on the trains the buses everyday. Theres that guy who takes the 6.58am train. He walks by. Does if say a thing. No. No one will say a word not one thing. No one will ask, why the hell are you sitting at the void deck all day? No one will ask, whats the matter with you? The whole fucking day will go by. Why wont you talk to me? Because im not from the same church as you? Yeah you probably wont even recognize me if I was. What if I cant change? What happened to if you'd live positively enough we'd see? What do you see? Why does life seem so long and so short at the same time? Why is it so? Yeah why? What the hell's the matter with me? Who am i? Do you care? Do you care because you care or do you care because you have to care? I do not want this to be me. I'm waiting. Talk to me. Call me.

Shit do you think I like to study do you think I like to go to school do you think I like to wear clothes and tie my hair and eat the canteen food study fucking hard and continue to fail like shit is it. Is it very fun? Is it exciting? To see how much I fail by in the next test? And do I like to go for tuition and not understand a single shit and sit there like an oxymoron and after that take up the teacher time by asking him retarded questions that I should have known. Do you think I like to waste your time like that. Do you think I want to waste my parents money like that. I dont fucking mind to shower twice a week and eat one meal a day. Why do I have to learn these stupid subjects that I will never ever become good at despite begging and asking desperately for help. And I still fail. So where in this shit lonely world do I go now? Neither here nor there. I have to swallow my fucking tears and scream silently inside because my family will be shamed or something if I do not. Yeah. So how. So I said fuck. I have been fucking trying. Shit does it work. I am born this way. Yup. Haha. A hopeless case right. I know you fucking mock me because I cannot do math. Because I am a retard, a complete hopeless failure in a school that produces top o level scorers three years in a row. And you know what. What I wouldnt give to pass math. Why must I study. My parents lust produced me. I am merely a product a consequence of their lust. So how long can lust last? Every night. I have been sitting here. Squatting lying. Twisted in weird positions. Thinking studying math like that will finally help me pass? No such luck. I am going to fail nevertheless. My parents are sad miserable people. I have no home. Do I want to have no home in a place where the majority have homes. I want to be in a place where the majority have no homes. I want to be the majority. Yup. This is the question. If there is a God, why does this kind of thing happen every single night. You claim you love God. Do you know who God is. Fine. You know. Then this is the place that God forgot. I am the creation that God forgot.

i have this weird thing that i must do like i have this weird thoughts that i must climb up the stairs when i have a super heavy school bag and the lift already reach the first floor and the need to plug out the laptop socket when i am using it just to see if it will power off anot and whether it will still function. yup. the extreme urge to wipe the tables and chairs in kfc then i like to kneel in the toilet and pray and beg for miracles to happen then i will put my head on the floor three times but the miracles dont happen see here i am caring about myself more than ever like how i look et cetera must have a set of values to live by even if it means being alone forever anyway my mother went to her company dinner and dance event thingy at some yishun country club just now i keep telling her the way she dress is fugly and unsuitable and then i got scolded because i got nothing nice to say about her she is very pretty yes but the way she dress is horrible so i tell her but she dont want to chenge so she went to the dinner and dance thing with bad makeup and bad dressing i told her to wear jeans and t shirt and slippers because she has natural beauty and it will make people notice her more right among all the other poseurs and fugly vain yaya people but she tells me no i must stand out and dress up my friend buy hundred and twenty dollars dress okay! okay so how. just now she come back at twelve am and i tell her her eyes look horrible and then she became very sad because she agrees with me she tells me this is retribution although i think karma is a more appropriate word yes. she say last time she say her boss eyes very ugly so now she got ugly eyes too and everyone will talk about it then she became very sad and came into the room and asked to sleep with me which she never does as she says i am very very smelly and have body odour and she likes to scold me for many things like dropping hair onto the floor. like natural dropping and she can ask me about house rental thingy when i am studying for geography exam yup i tell her i am going to die from studying and why she dont care that i am going to die then she tell me now very challenging got alot of foreigners very smart you study method use wrong dont do text book do ten year series i tell her i got no foundation already yah dont know how i got into st nicks okay did i cheat in psle i buy alot of assessment books and yeah i dont know how to do most of it so i am like disappointing her as she said i ahve invested alot in you blah blah i hope she did not invest in me because i am not definitely will reap in profits i have no brain do you think i like to be like this do you think i like to go for fucking tuition and ask the very smart teacher simple questions like binomial theorem and he tells me i got no foundation and should go for emaths tuition and i have only seven months left and thus i will die or no i should probably kill myself instead of breaking my mother and grandmother and father heart. either way i will break their heart so i am stuck here with no brain and cannot go and die either do you think i like to go for tuition and beg the teacher to teach me i like to stay back and ask the teacher questions and eat his time i know he thinks i am a retard or a lazy shit because i keep asking him the same questions over and over again. he tries to get me to solve questions in class when he does them on the board simple questions. very very simple questions. i did it. then he says he is very proud of me i am very smart etc he exaggerates. okay then my friend solves this super super hard question. he goes this girl is amazing. you own everybody. he uses the same adjectives he used to describe me. where is the superlative and whatever. i know i am fucking hopeless at maths and helping me is a bloody waste of precious time and i know that because i cannot do amaths i have no future and should totally stop walking on two legs and eating food i should stop being a human being and turn to an animal because animals can eat right can let people with brains survive its like you got no brains so you cannot contibute to society's development in any way at all so you should become food for others it works this way for animals what the weaker ones become food so it should work this way for humans because humans = animals. tuition and not results. that is me. she is under the illusion that i am doing very well in school but i am not. in face i am failing every single subject and how do i tell you i had a crying marathon outside the teachers house one day because she say i cannot sing i will fail again. so i cry lor. so i cry and sing. yah my sing is talking the lyrics out. if i go high she will laugh at me. cry and sing suppose to be very romantic and nice and touching right but obviously it comes out sounding like a bird being slaughtered and is crying. so after the lesson finish she tell me you close your ears for eight years already and you tell me you dont know when i ask you question you expect me to tell you the answers to everything you are too spoon fed no i like to eat with forks and knives and she says just like you cant construct sentence i cannot tell you to write essay right. "BUT I CAN WRITE POEM LIKE SHAKESPEARE CAN."poem no need sentence. just words can already. i am just asking for the meaning of the question not for the answers. and why why is this so. why must you go and accuse me when i never do it. 'i cannot trust you because i dont understand you' and i have no right to say back anything or say you cannot say that because we are not related yes. this is nothing. i cannot study i cannot give love i cannot become food i cannot become a daily necessity there is no use for me already right
this is why am i not normal.
define normal.

i have irrelevant thinking why is this i only care about myself and how pathetic my life is when there are people lying hurt and in big pain i am here sitting alive and well i do not cry for other people i only cry for myself for sixteen years i realise the times i have cried is when my life sucks or when i do not get what i want it is always like that i have no heart i dont care for the life and death of people i have no feeling like a man tou and all i do is sit and rot away while people help me to stop rotting while i complain about my rottenness what am i trying to prove here on this blog this blog is a selfish place where i talk about myself in order to gain attention from the public the world wide web i only care about myself i date myself narcissistic self centered okay yes please stop reading this thing called a blog it is materialistic and superficial it is a surface area which is fake it is untrue i want to sit long times with you and do things for you i want to give you love do you need love from me am i capable of giving love i keep telling lies can i help you with you homework it is because you were teaching me then you were hurt i am sorry this is because of me but you know god dont punish me physically because the physical hurt is like too easy punishment but he must make me see it on other people what i caused out like the victim is the poor planet earth who give me a home and raise me up and i hurt it like how the trees all die and how i step on the grass and use a lot of non biodegradable plastics sorry
i only sit around heartlessly doing my own things for my own benefit never once have i thought of other people i am caught up with myself i am filled with myself
you raise me up and i stood on mountains i stood alone because after you brought me up you fell

i hope you are okay sorry please be okay how can i help you can i go and help you i know i am superficial and like a surface area instead of the internal volume and you are always there to write post its for me and letters and notes which is heartfelt anf thoughtful and i am always the person receiving it and keeping it and not doing anything in return sorry please you were always there when i was like depressed and stuff like that and was always so nice to me when i do not deserve it i am like a leech a harmful leech or a gold digger how and i have not been talking to you or walking away each time and drifting away how do i go to you before the exams you were there to cheer me on with your smses but here i am doing nothing while you are in pain i always thought i was the pathetic one and now i realise that no i am blessed to have you here and listen to me and read this bull shit of mine and care about the shit that i say i should disappear away and never appear please please be okay i want to call you and talk properly to you but i am in no position to do that i am only a superficial bastard here that is a fake human being what can i say what can i do i am sorry

Yesterday while at kfc. I was listening to music while studying then this like very gossipy guy came in and sat opposite his partner. They began talking loudly thus me over hearing was inevitable. The guy said, I used photoshop to remove all her moles and pimples. Since you are my best friend I let you read the letter. (Love letter that he was intending to give his girlfriend on v day. ) Ok then he read the letter out loud and this is what it said. Are the photos nice. I photoshopped your pimples. Yeah then his friend told him. If I got alot of pimples and someone use photoshop to remove them and then give me the photo I will be damn offended. Hahaha. So the guy correction taped the first part of the letter away. Then they went on to talk about brown cats and physics ten year series. They were j2 I think cause they were doing physics tys november 2009, current electricity. Anyway because it was freaking funny I laughed and immediately smsed people to tell them of this best v day present ever and also as an early april fool joke. Then the guy. The very gossipy guy who keeps talking suddenly said eh I just realised. That girl there hor..(then if lowered his voice testing me see if I would turn around. But I was very shocked and scared they would whack me. Yeah so I concentrated at the wall. Then he said again. Listening to music hor. Crazy lah who was the one talking so loudly har. Yah so. Then today. Fucking valentine day. I met a screwed up auntie. She was quite old although she still had black hair. Yah then she got in the train bu city hall. It was packed so got no seats. Nobody give up their seats. But when the train got to the second stop got people alight. So she got seat to sit right. She couldnt even stand stable lah. Then she still dont want sit you know keep asking the woman beside her to sit. Keep nagging at her to sit. Sit sit sit. They two keep saying. So the woman got no choice but to sit. The old auntie keep saying I few stops only never mind one. Please lor. Six stops is a few meh. She got off at bedok. Whats up with her man she want other busybody to take photo of her and stomp her as poor thing then the other people sitting down as ugly singaporeans is it. If she fall down how. The people sitting down will be like unforgiveable sinners right. She is so perverse. Okay then I using phone and walking down the stairs after alight from the train. Got one bitch and one bastard behind me who dont look like human being at all lah. Keep scolding me in chinese. Why she walk so slow cannot go down then sms is it. I was walking at an average pace okay fuckers. Not like you are olympic staircase climbers right. Then I look at then they immediately shut up dont dare talk. Nehmind they are vulgar fuckheads probably going to rot in jail soon. I wish I had some contagious disease so I can spit on then and contaminate then so they willdisappear from the face of this planet and the world Will be happy again. Should I wear black clothes and have multiple tattoos so they will shut the fuck up and run away when they see me.

Today is the first time I am wearing my friend's school blouse home. Wah cool. Happy birthday Megan. Anyway. During chinese new year I went to like four relatives house. And my father was not there to give out angpows so I was recognised as the person who went visiting to earn angpows. Well fuck that. Anyway. Got scolded by my grandmothers sister on chu yi okay. She say you come here take angpow is it. Was very very tempted to say that when you die I will burn these money for you. But being the kind hearted ij girl that I am I put up with her as her days are numbered. She has this daughter, fucking proud also, who thinks she is royalty just because she has fucked a french man. Thats disgusting right? To the max. She has this blonde haired daughter who can speak canto teochew chinese english and french. The daughter is quite pretty, I guess she couldnt believe such a sweet little girl could come out of her french fucked vagina. And she didnt give me an angpow. Although I am not close to her she still grew up with my father right. Then she was like blabbering some very very poor french that sounded like pig language because she resembles one. I really dislike her. I shall give birth on the moon. So that my baby will be worshipped as the moon god. Her god mother shall be chang e. Then my descendants shall be a precious species. Crazy who the fuck does she think she is man. At my grandfather's funeral she brought the french man to show off. And people swarmed around her as if she were some celebrity. A celebrity is someone who can give birth on the moon lah please. Mad can. No respect for my grandfather. Anyway I will bring my moon baby to visit people on chinese new year. The french baby will sale in comparison. Har hahr. Obviously right. The moon baby will shine the light on mankind.

i realise that i am still like that. after so many days and months. i am like that. my familee is like that. we are still like that. nothing changes. i still fail. even my organs fail me. i have peed 12 times yesterday. i have kidney failure. sometimes i ask myself. why am i hungry, or where am i. my brain is failing me. now even my belongings mock me. they leave me here. i have nothing no one to talk to. i am speaking with myself. is this funny? is this normal? and i do not use facebook as much anymore because i have come to realise that not many people give a shit about me. it is all about the surface area, not about the volume anymore. it is the outside that matters. is anyone going to give a shit about how nice your eyes look when you have a hooked nose? no the focus will be on the hooked nose and not the eyes. never the eyes.
another thing that devastates me is that this person did not wish me happy birthday on my birthday. it feels that i no longer exist. that i am ignored. i am tiny. i am not even an air molecule i am not even O2. you would feel air being taken away if it was not there. air is important. though it is small and invisible. but i am not. so what am i? i cannot be compared to anything. there is no basis for comparison. i am nothing. no thing. get it. and back to the devastating topic of the birthday. i was born on that day but it was not commemorated. although i made it a point to wish the other party's birthday and commemorated it the person did not wish me on my special day. perhaps i am not special. yup. i am not. i am an animal. are animals special? some are. but rare ones only. am i a rare animal? i am not. there is excess of me. there is overpopulation of human beings. well. this person did not wish me but i did wish him. it is like donating fifty dollars to this brainy beggar for him to set up a shop. and soon he is bloody rich and is earning shit loads of money and went even give you one dollar even though you are dying of starvation and have no clothes to wear. look at this cruel world. i know that i should probably shut up and go back to studying shit. but i cannot. perhaps i have no more future. i have no one. i have once sat on my own for 2 days without talking to any human being or used any electronic device. what i did was to date myself. i showered love upon myself and talked to myself. i ate with myself. i bathed with myself. i even wrote a monologue with myself. arent i cool? i am practising for a lonely future because no one wants to marry me. i am desperate. for love. happy. that is me. me is me. me is i. me is myself. i me and myself. i have a happy familee. i am happy.
so what?
what is human behaviour except trying to prove that we are not animals.
this is a repetition of life. nothing is going to change.
my mother likes to praise herself in front of me. i am despised. despicable. despicable me! i shall not talk to her. i shall say what i want to say to her, to myself instead. because i am important in my eyes.
and if ever i can be reincarnated. i want to be your lung, so we can breathe as one and so that you cannot live without me.
i must be mad. i am.
indeed!
and lastly. i wish that you would start talking to me again.
one day i will buy a diy death kit.
if only.
i hate going to tuition. i get scowled at and mocked. i hate.
i would stay in the safety of my own home with myself because i <3 me and me <3 i and i <3 myself.
do you believe that you love this person now. when you are 15 years old would you still love this person when you are 25 years old.
but then so many people say that people marry at a young age have a higher tendency to divorce. so people should marry at a ripe old age? so that before they can divorce they are dead? they die as a couple!
yes i am immatured. i talk immatured i think immatured. i can never understand you. is it?
i have died internally.
obviously i am no longer sane.
i am a threat to national security.
please, isolate me!