so today was a day i interacted with my long time friends, Fear, Rejection and Disappointment. they are my three best friends.
and then i have this friend who says she always reads the shit i blog, and says that it helps her pass her GP. hahaha thank you for appreciating my shit. like how can anyone understand whatever shit this means let alone help academically. like its so weird.
in order to make the blog useful for people who read (or read it to pass GP haha) i think i should start blogging thematically. each day's events should be classified under themes of my life. although the themes would revolve around fear rejection and disappointment anyway. so there's only 3 themes.
ok so here goes.
today i thought of climbing the school gate to get into the school but decided against it coz of the potential danger and i am a coward so i just let myself be late this is the 2nd time by the way and the first thing the teacher notices is my skirt length she says it's too short and i just gave this stoic expression and she was like
'your skirt is too short' *frowns*
'do something about it now' (what, add material below?)
'you roll right? i know you roll! pull it down!' (what the fuck)
'left few more months only, do you want to buy a new skirt? if not pull it down!'
i really wanted to say i got a growth spurt only this morning therefore i became like 8 cm taller hence the skirt looks 'short' according to her standards.
and i dont get it, are we all supposed to have long flowy skirts in order to look prim and proper and neat and ready for school, like a good student.
are we supposed to look like we have zero fashion sense. like simply coz its a uniform it has to look oversized on us
and then i told my other friend about this skirt thing and she said she wore a shorter skirt than mine before but was not caught. coz better looking people get away with things more easily and people with fucked up faces like me have to get scolded and condemned
on another note i guess i have stable results then classmates think i am smart and shit and ask my for help but i am actually a poser and this is just beginner's luck
now there is more pressure and expectation to do well
it's really stupid and tiring and i just want to curl up and die
and then i repaired a laptop at the ASUS service centre and microsoft office is wiped out so the laptop is pointless now and i feel really empty
and anyway i am v angry about the uniform thing but there is nothing i can do anyway (ironically the school told us to give them constructive feedback about the system) but they are gonna argue against whatever feedback we have anyway, they are still gonna do what they want so really what's the point of all this? they are still gonna think that long flowy skirts are what defines a good student. and they still judge by looks.
so i've learnt to keep quiet.
and become emotionally unavailable.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Life is really just suffering until you die
hello. recently i have been having this epiphany. like since fear, rejection and disappointment are things I am familiar with, things that come easy, they should be my best friends. Like the things i deal with every second, everyday, i should start liking these feelings. learn to deal with them, probably they already define who I am. so i would be immune to negative feelings and humiliation already since i already know them so fucking well.
and then I try not to talk so much to the people in school. You know why? Because I can't communicate anymore, I dont have a life, as you can tell by the incessant blogging and rants. let me list down the many advantages of not having many friends.
1. you dont have to feel rejected when they don't reply your whatsapp or text
2. you don't have to feel rejected when they dont wish you happy birthday
3. you don't have to feel bad when you don't help them (Coz you don't know their life)
4. you don't have to think of new things to say to them everyday ( it's really taxing on the brain ), or fear gossip because there's really no basis of gossip coz you're like practically invisible, due to your lack of input
5. Thus after points 1-4 are in effect, you have more time to study and spend lots of quality time with yourself. (such as ranting about your pathetic life on social media, creating a 'big fat loner' label for yourself, etc)
6. then you get lots of time to think about your autobiography and people study and analyse you like a specimen in the asylum and you get famous by your bibliotherapy coz when people read about your pathetic life and suddenly what they're going through isn't so bad after all?
okay ha ha ha, what did you just read? a load of crap, really coz no one wants to exist this way right? people like to be wanted by other people and get invited to social gatherings and shit and be told how good they are etc. but that's never going to happen right? so just deal with all this shit until you die, is that really how it was going to be? and then it seems i'm living this superficial life of superficiality being cynical and sneering and skeptical about everything and everyone.
it's really pathetic, maybe i've really became a misanthrope.
i'm sick of smiling at all these people, but i still smiled for them anyway, because what could a person like me do but smile for them?
and i just want some people to disappear from my life altogether, because i just don't know how to look at them anymore. i just want to avoid them forever and ever because that's how far the emotional distance is. they ignore me, but i'm here thinking and wallowing in self-pity at this rejection though i probably should have gotten used to it a long long time ago. (since i'm fucked the minute i was born)
and then about how I always try to find people to sit with, to talk with, to eat with and carry out mundane daily activities with. Is it for a personal gain or is it a mutual beneficiaries kinda thing? Just coz i dont wanna look like a big fat loner weirdo going everywhere alone and invite gossip i parasite myself to people. but wait. now i've became a big fat loner weirdo who sits with people and tries too hard to look accepted. ha ha ha
and then I try not to talk so much to the people in school. You know why? Because I can't communicate anymore, I dont have a life, as you can tell by the incessant blogging and rants. let me list down the many advantages of not having many friends.
1. you dont have to feel rejected when they don't reply your whatsapp or text
2. you don't have to feel rejected when they dont wish you happy birthday
3. you don't have to feel bad when you don't help them (Coz you don't know their life)
4. you don't have to think of new things to say to them everyday ( it's really taxing on the brain ), or fear gossip because there's really no basis of gossip coz you're like practically invisible, due to your lack of input
5. Thus after points 1-4 are in effect, you have more time to study and spend lots of quality time with yourself. (such as ranting about your pathetic life on social media, creating a 'big fat loner' label for yourself, etc)
6. then you get lots of time to think about your autobiography and people study and analyse you like a specimen in the asylum and you get famous by your bibliotherapy coz when people read about your pathetic life and suddenly what they're going through isn't so bad after all?
okay ha ha ha, what did you just read? a load of crap, really coz no one wants to exist this way right? people like to be wanted by other people and get invited to social gatherings and shit and be told how good they are etc. but that's never going to happen right? so just deal with all this shit until you die, is that really how it was going to be? and then it seems i'm living this superficial life of superficiality being cynical and sneering and skeptical about everything and everyone.
it's really pathetic, maybe i've really became a misanthrope.
i'm sick of smiling at all these people, but i still smiled for them anyway, because what could a person like me do but smile for them?
and i just want some people to disappear from my life altogether, because i just don't know how to look at them anymore. i just want to avoid them forever and ever because that's how far the emotional distance is. they ignore me, but i'm here thinking and wallowing in self-pity at this rejection though i probably should have gotten used to it a long long time ago. (since i'm fucked the minute i was born)
and then about how I always try to find people to sit with, to talk with, to eat with and carry out mundane daily activities with. Is it for a personal gain or is it a mutual beneficiaries kinda thing? Just coz i dont wanna look like a big fat loner weirdo going everywhere alone and invite gossip i parasite myself to people. but wait. now i've became a big fat loner weirdo who sits with people and tries too hard to look accepted. ha ha ha
Monday, July 8, 2013
that girl in pinafore
okay so that's the title of the new Singaporean film that's showing on august 1, 2013.
okay here's how i discovered it okay. so i went to esplanade library and walk walk alone and be alone then i saw some chairs at the stage coz yes i just recently discovered that esplanade library is an arts hub and they host live bands and things like that. and i thought it was just another gig but there was this girl there i came at about 8pm so the event ended already. ok so this girl was dress in a long dress and high heels. she looks like felicia chin but she isn't la. then also got some other teenage girls keep wanting to take pictures with her.
ok so i dont know them right, then i just walk away and look at other things in the library.
THEN I SAW THIS POSTER. AND OMG.
I WANTED TO DIE
coz like there was this actress, Julia Tan and she was wearing my st nicks pinafore. ok at first i thought it was some st nicks event, some school thingy or some alumni thing. BUT ITS A FREAKING MOVIE
and then i felt so angry idk why, because they are like using our pinafore as a movie costume? and below the julie tan picture was a pic of cat high boys.
OMG A LOVE STORY ABOUT CAT HIGH AND ST NICKS
why
and then i felt so nostalgic about my st nicks days. like how i envied st nicks girls who had lots of cat high friends wtf. i really want to be part of this st nicks cat high culture thing. i think both schools have a very similar culture. (ok sorry if i am offending people by saying this)
then after that i proceeded to stalk the film's updates, their press conferences, youtube, their facebook and instagram coz i dont have twitter. and i read that they aim to be Singapore's version of Glee. okay why. why must we imitate something. why cant we be our own thing. basically the whole film is about these st nicks girls and cat high boys who love music and they make their bands and participate in singing dancing competition and they fall in love with each other in the meantime as well and the girl's parents object to their relationship coz the boy is inferior to the girl and bla bla bla so cliche
even the title is cliche as well - my friends, my classmates, and everything i loved. (the chinese title of the show) the element of youthful aspirations is strong and so very very similar to 'you are the apple of my eye' and in many aspects, 'you are the apple of my eye' is better than this film. because it's more sincere. and original. i dont know. the cast didnt seem very sincere. and the entire storyline is so very cliche and kind of portrays st nicks in a bad light? so airy-fairy and lovey dovey. and the actresses werent even from st nicks? like if they wanna use the st nicks pinafore could they at least cast an actress that was once an old girl? at least it would better represent the st nicks culture.... the sisterly love, the respectful-ness, the homely feeling and all. and at least shoot it in st nicks?
they would get so much more supporters!!! not just by wearing the pinafore and using it as a prop!! the pinafore is so much more symbolic than that!!!! EURGHHHAKHFBKDJBFKJABDLJB
where is the homely st nicks feeling.....
ok then i took a picture of the movie poster and sent it to my sec 4 class chat and they were as shocked as i was like how come we didnt know that a film was using our uniform
and i asked my junior and she said the teachers and principals didnt say anything about it too
so weird
oh yes, another interesting point to note. after i told one of my friends this, she's v smart and knowledgeable and avid supporter of LGBTQs. and her first reaction was 'are you shitting me' coz yes why didnt i think of it!! what with the recent attention on LGBTQs and pinkdot etc, the gahmen wants to promote heterosexuality in the younger generation with this move! anti lesbianism and anti gay in single sex schools. painting an innocent, pure puppy love image of 'first love' in youths. using those pretty actresses parading around in our pinafores and sincere boys who love and pursue these girls with all their heart. such a fake representation of st nicks culture let alone singaporean youth culture. this is really not what's going on nowadays. or is it just me coz i'm a cynical judgemental loner.
Nonetheless i listened to their soundtrack and its quite good, the voices are quite sweet. but the lyrics don't carry as much meaning as 'you are the apple of my eye'
but still, its a commendable effort in promoting singapore music overseas. (the film got into the Shanghai film festival or something like that)
but i really wished they didnt use the st nicks pinafore like that. the film doesnt even bring out the st nicks culture
can tell me why the school allowed them to use the uniform
okay here's how i discovered it okay. so i went to esplanade library and walk walk alone and be alone then i saw some chairs at the stage coz yes i just recently discovered that esplanade library is an arts hub and they host live bands and things like that. and i thought it was just another gig but there was this girl there i came at about 8pm so the event ended already. ok so this girl was dress in a long dress and high heels. she looks like felicia chin but she isn't la. then also got some other teenage girls keep wanting to take pictures with her.
ok so i dont know them right, then i just walk away and look at other things in the library.
THEN I SAW THIS POSTER. AND OMG.
I WANTED TO DIE
coz like there was this actress, Julia Tan and she was wearing my st nicks pinafore. ok at first i thought it was some st nicks event, some school thingy or some alumni thing. BUT ITS A FREAKING MOVIE
and then i felt so angry idk why, because they are like using our pinafore as a movie costume? and below the julie tan picture was a pic of cat high boys.
OMG A LOVE STORY ABOUT CAT HIGH AND ST NICKS
why
and then i felt so nostalgic about my st nicks days. like how i envied st nicks girls who had lots of cat high friends wtf. i really want to be part of this st nicks cat high culture thing. i think both schools have a very similar culture. (ok sorry if i am offending people by saying this)
then after that i proceeded to stalk the film's updates, their press conferences, youtube, their facebook and instagram coz i dont have twitter. and i read that they aim to be Singapore's version of Glee. okay why. why must we imitate something. why cant we be our own thing. basically the whole film is about these st nicks girls and cat high boys who love music and they make their bands and participate in singing dancing competition and they fall in love with each other in the meantime as well and the girl's parents object to their relationship coz the boy is inferior to the girl and bla bla bla so cliche
even the title is cliche as well - my friends, my classmates, and everything i loved. (the chinese title of the show) the element of youthful aspirations is strong and so very very similar to 'you are the apple of my eye' and in many aspects, 'you are the apple of my eye' is better than this film. because it's more sincere. and original. i dont know. the cast didnt seem very sincere. and the entire storyline is so very cliche and kind of portrays st nicks in a bad light? so airy-fairy and lovey dovey. and the actresses werent even from st nicks? like if they wanna use the st nicks pinafore could they at least cast an actress that was once an old girl? at least it would better represent the st nicks culture.... the sisterly love, the respectful-ness, the homely feeling and all. and at least shoot it in st nicks?
they would get so much more supporters!!! not just by wearing the pinafore and using it as a prop!! the pinafore is so much more symbolic than that!!!! EURGHHHAKHFBKDJBFKJABDLJB
where is the homely st nicks feeling.....
ok then i took a picture of the movie poster and sent it to my sec 4 class chat and they were as shocked as i was like how come we didnt know that a film was using our uniform
and i asked my junior and she said the teachers and principals didnt say anything about it too
so weird
oh yes, another interesting point to note. after i told one of my friends this, she's v smart and knowledgeable and avid supporter of LGBTQs. and her first reaction was 'are you shitting me' coz yes why didnt i think of it!! what with the recent attention on LGBTQs and pinkdot etc, the gahmen wants to promote heterosexuality in the younger generation with this move! anti lesbianism and anti gay in single sex schools. painting an innocent, pure puppy love image of 'first love' in youths. using those pretty actresses parading around in our pinafores and sincere boys who love and pursue these girls with all their heart. such a fake representation of st nicks culture let alone singaporean youth culture. this is really not what's going on nowadays. or is it just me coz i'm a cynical judgemental loner.
Nonetheless i listened to their soundtrack and its quite good, the voices are quite sweet. but the lyrics don't carry as much meaning as 'you are the apple of my eye'
but still, its a commendable effort in promoting singapore music overseas. (the film got into the Shanghai film festival or something like that)
but i really wished they didnt use the st nicks pinafore like that. the film doesnt even bring out the st nicks culture
can tell me why the school allowed them to use the uniform
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