i have this weird thing that i must do like i have this weird thoughts that i must climb up the stairs when i have a super heavy school bag and the lift already reach the first floor and the need to plug out the laptop socket when i am using it just to see if it will power off anot and whether it will still function. yup. the extreme urge to wipe the tables and chairs in kfc then i like to kneel in the toilet and pray and beg for miracles to happen then i will put my head on the floor three times but the miracles dont happen see here i am caring about myself more than ever like how i look et cetera must have a set of values to live by even if it means being alone forever anyway my mother went to her company dinner and dance event thingy at some yishun country club just now i keep telling her the way she dress is fugly and unsuitable and then i got scolded because i got nothing nice to say about her she is very pretty yes but the way she dress is horrible so i tell her but she dont want to chenge so she went to the dinner and dance thing with bad makeup and bad dressing i told her to wear jeans and t shirt and slippers because she has natural beauty and it will make people notice her more right among all the other poseurs and fugly vain yaya people but she tells me no i must stand out and dress up my friend buy hundred and twenty dollars dress okay! okay so how. just now she come back at twelve am and i tell her her eyes look horrible and then she became very sad because she agrees with me she tells me this is retribution although i think karma is a more appropriate word yes. she say last time she say her boss eyes very ugly so now she got ugly eyes too and everyone will talk about it then she became very sad and came into the room and asked to sleep with me which she never does as she says i am very very smelly and have body odour and she likes to scold me for many things like dropping hair onto the floor. like natural dropping and she can ask me about house rental thingy when i am studying for geography exam yup i tell her i am going to die from studying and why she dont care that i am going to die then she tell me now very challenging got alot of foreigners very smart you study method use wrong dont do text book do ten year series i tell her i got no foundation already yah dont know how i got into st nicks okay did i cheat in psle i buy alot of assessment books and yeah i dont know how to do most of it so i am like disappointing her as she said i ahve invested alot in you blah blah i hope she did not invest in me because i am not definitely will reap in profits i have no brain do you think i like to be like this do you think i like to go for fucking tuition and ask the very smart teacher simple questions like binomial theorem and he tells me i got no foundation and should go for emaths tuition and i have only seven months left and thus i will die or no i should probably kill myself instead of breaking my mother and grandmother and father heart. either way i will break their heart so i am stuck here with no brain and cannot go and die either do you think i like to go for tuition and beg the teacher to teach me i like to stay back and ask the teacher questions and eat his time i know he thinks i am a retard or a lazy shit because i keep asking him the same questions over and over again. he tries to get me to solve questions in class when he does them on the board simple questions. very very simple questions. i did it. then he says he is very proud of me i am very smart etc he exaggerates. okay then my friend solves this super super hard question. he goes this girl is amazing. you own everybody. he uses the same adjectives he used to describe me. where is the superlative and whatever. i know i am fucking hopeless at maths and helping me is a bloody waste of precious time and i know that because i cannot do amaths i have no future and should totally stop walking on two legs and eating food i should stop being a human being and turn to an animal because animals can eat right can let people with brains survive its like you got no brains so you cannot contibute to society's development in any way at all so you should become food for others it works this way for animals what the weaker ones become food so it should work this way for humans because humans = animals. tuition and not results. that is me. she is under the illusion that i am doing very well in school but i am not. in face i am failing every single subject and how do i tell you i had a crying marathon outside the teachers house one day because she say i cannot sing i will fail again. so i cry lor. so i cry and sing. yah my sing is talking the lyrics out. if i go high she will laugh at me. cry and sing suppose to be very romantic and nice and touching right but obviously it comes out sounding like a bird being slaughtered and is crying. so after the lesson finish she tell me you close your ears for eight years already and you tell me you dont know when i ask you question you expect me to tell you the answers to everything you are too spoon fed no i like to eat with forks and knives and she says just like you cant construct sentence i cannot tell you to write essay right. "BUT I CAN WRITE POEM LIKE SHAKESPEARE CAN."poem no need sentence. just words can already. i am just asking for the meaning of the question not for the answers. and why why is this so. why must you go and accuse me when i never do it. 'i cannot trust you because i dont understand you' and i have no right to say back anything or say you cannot say that because we are not related yes. this is nothing. i cannot study i cannot give love i cannot become food i cannot become a daily necessity there is no use for me already right
this is why am i not normal.
define normal.