i realise that i am still like that. after so many days and months. i am like that. my familee is like that. we are still like that. nothing changes. i still fail. even my organs fail me. i have peed 12 times yesterday. i have kidney failure. sometimes i ask myself. why am i hungry, or where am i. my brain is failing me. now even my belongings mock me. they leave me here. i have nothing no one to talk to. i am speaking with myself. is this funny? is this normal? and i do not use facebook as much anymore because i have come to realise that not many people give a shit about me. it is all about the surface area, not about the volume anymore. it is the outside that matters. is anyone going to give a shit about how nice your eyes look when you have a hooked nose? no the focus will be on the hooked nose and not the eyes. never the eyes.
another thing that devastates me is that this person did not wish me happy birthday on my birthday. it feels that i no longer exist. that i am ignored. i am tiny. i am not even an air molecule i am not even O2. you would feel air being taken away if it was not there. air is important. though it is small and invisible. but i am not. so what am i? i cannot be compared to anything. there is no basis for comparison. i am nothing. no thing. get it. and back to the devastating topic of the birthday. i was born on that day but it was not commemorated. although i made it a point to wish the other party's birthday and commemorated it the person did not wish me on my special day. perhaps i am not special. yup. i am not. i am an animal. are animals special? some are. but rare ones only. am i a rare animal? i am not. there is excess of me. there is overpopulation of human beings. well. this person did not wish me but i did wish him. it is like donating fifty dollars to this brainy beggar for him to set up a shop. and soon he is bloody rich and is earning shit loads of money and went even give you one dollar even though you are dying of starvation and have no clothes to wear. look at this cruel world. i know that i should probably shut up and go back to studying shit. but i cannot. perhaps i have no more future. i have no one. i have once sat on my own for 2 days without talking to any human being or used any electronic device. what i did was to date myself. i showered love upon myself and talked to myself. i ate with myself. i bathed with myself. i even wrote a monologue with myself. arent i cool? i am practising for a lonely future because no one wants to marry me. i am desperate. for love. happy. that is me. me is me. me is i. me is myself. i me and myself. i have a happy familee. i am happy.
so what?
what is human behaviour except trying to prove that we are not animals.
this is a repetition of life. nothing is going to change.
my mother likes to praise herself in front of me. i am despised. despicable. despicable me! i shall not talk to her. i shall say what i want to say to her, to myself instead. because i am important in my eyes.
and if ever i can be reincarnated. i want to be your lung, so we can breathe as one and so that you cannot live without me.
i must be mad. i am.
indeed!
and lastly. i wish that you would start talking to me again.
one day i will buy a diy death kit.
if only.
i hate going to tuition. i get scowled at and mocked. i hate.
i would stay in the safety of my own home with myself because i <3 me and me <3 i and i <3 myself.
do you believe that you love this person now. when you are 15 years old would you still love this person when you are 25 years old.
but then so many people say that people marry at a young age have a higher tendency to divorce. so people should marry at a ripe old age? so that before they can divorce they are dead? they die as a couple!
yes i am immatured. i talk immatured i think immatured. i can never understand you. is it?
i have died internally.
obviously i am no longer sane.
i am a threat to national security.
please, isolate me!