" We are going to get trashed anyways"
this was what you said to me when i asked you to train for the competition.
"we'll do it in May"
why dont you want to train now when you have time?
"because i don't want to. I just don't"
that was a month plus ago.
so if you just want to go for the competition simply for the sake of it and shame our school by debating like shit when you have the bloody potential to fucking win the competition then you might as well don't go
do you know how much it costs to send one team for the competition? if you think this is a game and its funny to screw up and laugh it off well then fuck you
fuck you for wasting my time
going to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA (and your excuse? "we dont learn anything in CCA anyway") why? because you are so always playing with your phone when coach is teaching
playing phone games when you could be learning important things from coach and juniors debating
what's the point in coming for CCA?
testimonial? or just to show face?
forget it if you don't want to go, could have just told me in the first place and your place in the competition could very well be give to someone else who genuinely wants to improve and takes debating seriously.
and ignoring whatever i said, you think i like to persuade and beg and be irritating and pester you to train with me so we could all be competition-ready? is it a fucking obligation for me to beg/demand of you to do what you're supposed to be doing?
fuck you for wasting my time and everyone else's time
and putting me through all that shit reflecting and worrying whether was I too irritating bugging you about the compeition, trying to work out a training schedule
fuck you for wasting precious days that could have been used for personal training
so just because we would lose, it's okay to not give your best?
it's okay to not come for CCA? it's okay to play with your phone when coach is teaching us important things, it's okay to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA, it's okay to pon Saturday trainings with your feeble excuse of, "we don't learn anything in CCA"
fuck you for wasting everyone's efforts
i dont know if it's because we have inherently different personalities/perspectives but i think this is just plain selfish, inconsiderate, egoistic and rude
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Memories
So my life has been improving, i think. I think it's the work of God in my life. Or is it the natural order of things. i really dont deserve this good life now.
in primary school i had good memories and made good friends, had good teachers, attended alumni camps, had crazy feelings for a senior (is it even love what is love anyway) liked/loved him since i was Sec 3
in secondary school i had loving friends who wrote me post-its and encouraged me, teachers who bought chicken rice for me, bought fans with his own money for our classroom which had no windows no ventilation, had nice canteen food to eat, lived in a happy lovely warm caring environment with so much love that i can never reciprocate though my studies were shit (L1R5s of 41-45), i complained and moaned and blamed my parents but after graduating i realized how lucky i was to be in st nicks and had all these friends and teachers that gave so much unconditional love
in junior college i thought my life had gone to shit, people were cold (at first), gave me superficial smiles (or so i thought), teachers didn't care (or so I thought), CCA sucks, school system bad (or so I thought)
that was in J1, had so many unhappiness and bitterness in me but now things are improving idk what is going on but i am so thankful to all of you
- MG15 '12
-12A07
-Debates mates & J1s who are ever so enthusiastic, friendly, weird, & Y who always hugs me when she sees me, thank you:')
-Chongqing cse trip friends
-Relief teachers who always put the fun in learning, ever so dedicated - Mr L, Mr S, Mr H. i probably should not mention any names here in case i get into the spotlight again
so the girls from 12A07 were always every so supportive and listen to my whinings and complaints and depressing thoughts i love you all so much i really dont deserve all this
thank you debates teachers in charge who gave me the opportunity to participate in competition, attending every training session with us, advising us, providing moral support
thank you cse trip friends who always smile at me and wave to me and helping me in math, eating breakfast on late Thursday mornings, T and her lame jokes and funny accents that always bring joy into my days
thank you MG15 for providing that shelter and familiarity every morning at our MG table. I didnt dare to sit with you all last year but you are all so lovely and sweet idk what to do thanks for teaching me math and asking about my life i cannot thank all of you enough the laughter we shared, teasing each other,, studying together, talking about school, teachers, teasing each other i am going to miss that so much can we please meet up often even after we graduate please dont let the whatsapp group die
dearest debates mates who are ever so funny and perky and weird, always teasing each other, watching each other's antics, spurring each other on during competitions, helping out for ICDCs.
we have grown closer this year, making up for so much lost time. i love you all so much
wtf was wrong with me last year thinking everyone was intimidating and competitive and scary
thank you school thank you MOE for making the school thank you PAP for making MOE thank you Singapore for making PAP
in primary school i had good memories and made good friends, had good teachers, attended alumni camps, had crazy feelings for a senior (is it even love what is love anyway) liked/loved him since i was Sec 3
in secondary school i had loving friends who wrote me post-its and encouraged me, teachers who bought chicken rice for me, bought fans with his own money for our classroom which had no windows no ventilation, had nice canteen food to eat, lived in a happy lovely warm caring environment with so much love that i can never reciprocate though my studies were shit (L1R5s of 41-45), i complained and moaned and blamed my parents but after graduating i realized how lucky i was to be in st nicks and had all these friends and teachers that gave so much unconditional love
in junior college i thought my life had gone to shit, people were cold (at first), gave me superficial smiles (or so i thought), teachers didn't care (or so I thought), CCA sucks, school system bad (or so I thought)
that was in J1, had so many unhappiness and bitterness in me but now things are improving idk what is going on but i am so thankful to all of you
- MG15 '12
-12A07
-Debates mates & J1s who are ever so enthusiastic, friendly, weird, & Y who always hugs me when she sees me, thank you:')
-Chongqing cse trip friends
-Relief teachers who always put the fun in learning, ever so dedicated - Mr L, Mr S, Mr H. i probably should not mention any names here in case i get into the spotlight again
so the girls from 12A07 were always every so supportive and listen to my whinings and complaints and depressing thoughts i love you all so much i really dont deserve all this
thank you debates teachers in charge who gave me the opportunity to participate in competition, attending every training session with us, advising us, providing moral support
thank you cse trip friends who always smile at me and wave to me and helping me in math, eating breakfast on late Thursday mornings, T and her lame jokes and funny accents that always bring joy into my days
thank you MG15 for providing that shelter and familiarity every morning at our MG table. I didnt dare to sit with you all last year but you are all so lovely and sweet idk what to do thanks for teaching me math and asking about my life i cannot thank all of you enough the laughter we shared, teasing each other,, studying together, talking about school, teachers, teasing each other i am going to miss that so much can we please meet up often even after we graduate please dont let the whatsapp group die
dearest debates mates who are ever so funny and perky and weird, always teasing each other, watching each other's antics, spurring each other on during competitions, helping out for ICDCs.
we have grown closer this year, making up for so much lost time. i love you all so much
wtf was wrong with me last year thinking everyone was intimidating and competitive and scary
thank you school thank you MOE for making the school thank you PAP for making MOE thank you Singapore for making PAP
Friday, April 12, 2013
Trouble
the saddest word in the English language: Inconsolable
So I'm talking to more people now in CCA, in class. I think overall the change is good, but i am still socially awkward, having missed out on a whole year of social interaction. So many people have this impression that I'm moody grumpy and emo.
i think to a certain extent i still am right. but now i am trying to be less like that.
i guess.
but then I'm still pissed about stupid CCA matters ( i know right, what right do I have anyway, i didn't do shit last year) i wished more opportunities were given to us, as an entire CCA all of us should at least have a chance to train together, improve and interact on a somewhat personal level with the coach. And we should have a debates lecture package, stuff to teach us what to base our argument on etc. then everything would be so different now.
why is the school biased towards Sirius scholars? they have all sorts of opportunities offered on a plate to them, in their face. they are trained, cared for and nurtured. But others have to beg for these opportunities, and even if they get these opportunities it doesn't mean shit because they do not have access to the best resources like the Sirius scholars. And the principal keeps going on about how important non-academic activities are damn important - CCA, competitions etc but what about those who do are not offered these opportunities because they do not know these opportunities existed, and they have been turning up religiously for CCA but treated as if they were non-existent simply because they were not outspoken as the rest?
what does it mean to be smart anyway? it helps if you know the game. it helps if you suck-up. It helps if you have a large social circle. It helps if your parents are together. It helps if you're friends with teachers. Most of all, it helps if you are a Sirius Scholar.
does it mean that those with L1R5s of 11 and above do not have the same capabilities as those with L1R5 and below.
isn't it ironic that the school emphasizes so strongly on non-academic achievments but these Sirius scholars are labelled scholars, the cream of the crop and given the best resources - SIMPLY BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVMENTS
your fate would be very very very different if you were a Sirius Scholar
So what if I've attended CCA regularly last year? the message relay system was so screwed up and only some people knew what was going on at all. things like competition opportunites. organising CCA activities were only limited to those few people, the EXCO, and those who were close to the EXCO.
So having been socially disconnected for so long, where do i pick up from?
Can i ever change?
its really a blessing that the new teachers in charge took over, they are really passionate about debates and the whole stupid debates situation is changing slowly like we are getting closer and laughing more which is the way it should be (in an ideal world)
i really want to thank them for all their help
last year the CCA seemed to function on this idea - you join debates because you are damn good at debating
but this year its more on passion - you join debates to get better at debating, because you like debating
and for the upcoming SMU Hammers competition I hope you can just put in your everything - since its your first and last and only competition (do you really want your testimonial to have so little things while the others have theirs peppered and coloured with numerous achievments) just go all out for it and realize your potential.
We could blame the school, blame the teachers- in -charge for not giving a shit about us, blame the coach for being judgemental and only helping the outspoken ones, blame the EXCO for not reaching out to us, blame the seniors for not providing the much needed care and guidance, blame the Sirius scholars for gobbling up the resourcers, blame MOE for kiasu school culture and 'the testimonial concept phenomenon
but it all boils down to our passivity. those people put in real effort to suck up and speak out, to overcome their mental barriers and had good social skills
thats conforming to social norms. that's adhering to the rules of society. if we wanna survive we have to forget our principals and go with the flow
if not we are shit. the bottom of the human pyramid and will stay there forevermore
i am resigned to my fate
on an ending note - here's what one of my juniors said - ' i hate people, but I love individuals'
because people are powerless to the changing societal norms - they are hostages to their identities are resigned to societal norms if they wanna survive but individuals are actually really nice and sentimental and its really nice when we get to interact we indviduals on the personal level and find out that they are not hostages to their identities - we have free will, imagination, morality and principle that differentiaties us.
We have to look beyond the privileges of our own identity to defend the notion that human rights are either universal or they are meaningless ( kouped this quote from a book ahaha i am not so zai)
On another ending note - I like the school more now, things are looking up, academic results are improving, CCA situation improving (getting more involved), talking more to people, new friendships blossoming (although friendships have ended too- do you all not care anymore)
its okay we have not talked for two weeks and counting but i am still surviving and you all are having so much fun and doing things that we never did and would never do together when i was still part of your clique - like taking random photos together so it really wasn't meant to be, should have noticed the foreshadowing elements earlier, the cracks in our friendship
can i get a closure? why do you not want to talk to me anymore? ahahah
no forget that. guess this is the best outcome
we'll just go in parallel directions and not cross each others' lives
i just hope i can resist the temptation to beg you to be my friend again
So I'm talking to more people now in CCA, in class. I think overall the change is good, but i am still socially awkward, having missed out on a whole year of social interaction. So many people have this impression that I'm moody grumpy and emo.
i think to a certain extent i still am right. but now i am trying to be less like that.
i guess.
but then I'm still pissed about stupid CCA matters ( i know right, what right do I have anyway, i didn't do shit last year) i wished more opportunities were given to us, as an entire CCA all of us should at least have a chance to train together, improve and interact on a somewhat personal level with the coach. And we should have a debates lecture package, stuff to teach us what to base our argument on etc. then everything would be so different now.
why is the school biased towards Sirius scholars? they have all sorts of opportunities offered on a plate to them, in their face. they are trained, cared for and nurtured. But others have to beg for these opportunities, and even if they get these opportunities it doesn't mean shit because they do not have access to the best resources like the Sirius scholars. And the principal keeps going on about how important non-academic activities are damn important - CCA, competitions etc but what about those who do are not offered these opportunities because they do not know these opportunities existed, and they have been turning up religiously for CCA but treated as if they were non-existent simply because they were not outspoken as the rest?
what does it mean to be smart anyway? it helps if you know the game. it helps if you suck-up. It helps if you have a large social circle. It helps if your parents are together. It helps if you're friends with teachers. Most of all, it helps if you are a Sirius Scholar.
does it mean that those with L1R5s of 11 and above do not have the same capabilities as those with L1R5 and below.
isn't it ironic that the school emphasizes so strongly on non-academic achievments but these Sirius scholars are labelled scholars, the cream of the crop and given the best resources - SIMPLY BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVMENTS
your fate would be very very very different if you were a Sirius Scholar
So what if I've attended CCA regularly last year? the message relay system was so screwed up and only some people knew what was going on at all. things like competition opportunites. organising CCA activities were only limited to those few people, the EXCO, and those who were close to the EXCO.
So having been socially disconnected for so long, where do i pick up from?
Can i ever change?
its really a blessing that the new teachers in charge took over, they are really passionate about debates and the whole stupid debates situation is changing slowly like we are getting closer and laughing more which is the way it should be (in an ideal world)
i really want to thank them for all their help
last year the CCA seemed to function on this idea - you join debates because you are damn good at debating
but this year its more on passion - you join debates to get better at debating, because you like debating
and for the upcoming SMU Hammers competition I hope you can just put in your everything - since its your first and last and only competition (do you really want your testimonial to have so little things while the others have theirs peppered and coloured with numerous achievments) just go all out for it and realize your potential.
We could blame the school, blame the teachers- in -charge for not giving a shit about us, blame the coach for being judgemental and only helping the outspoken ones, blame the EXCO for not reaching out to us, blame the seniors for not providing the much needed care and guidance, blame the Sirius scholars for gobbling up the resourcers, blame MOE for kiasu school culture and 'the testimonial concept phenomenon
but it all boils down to our passivity. those people put in real effort to suck up and speak out, to overcome their mental barriers and had good social skills
thats conforming to social norms. that's adhering to the rules of society. if we wanna survive we have to forget our principals and go with the flow
if not we are shit. the bottom of the human pyramid and will stay there forevermore
i am resigned to my fate
on an ending note - here's what one of my juniors said - ' i hate people, but I love individuals'
because people are powerless to the changing societal norms - they are hostages to their identities are resigned to societal norms if they wanna survive but individuals are actually really nice and sentimental and its really nice when we get to interact we indviduals on the personal level and find out that they are not hostages to their identities - we have free will, imagination, morality and principle that differentiaties us.
We have to look beyond the privileges of our own identity to defend the notion that human rights are either universal or they are meaningless ( kouped this quote from a book ahaha i am not so zai)
On another ending note - I like the school more now, things are looking up, academic results are improving, CCA situation improving (getting more involved), talking more to people, new friendships blossoming (although friendships have ended too- do you all not care anymore)
its okay we have not talked for two weeks and counting but i am still surviving and you all are having so much fun and doing things that we never did and would never do together when i was still part of your clique - like taking random photos together so it really wasn't meant to be, should have noticed the foreshadowing elements earlier, the cracks in our friendship
can i get a closure? why do you not want to talk to me anymore? ahahah
no forget that. guess this is the best outcome
we'll just go in parallel directions and not cross each others' lives
i just hope i can resist the temptation to beg you to be my friend again
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
friends
who needs friends anyway? Weren't they just going to build you up, make you think you were good, then spit in your face?
was that how it was really going to be?
so i've lost that closesness in those 4 relationships. getting so emotionally attached, emotionally blurting. I just had to tell them everything i felt. tell them about my family, how i feel towards others. just had to tell them, couldnt control my feelings, couldn't keep my damned mouth shut.
allowed them to see the ugly side of me - ' i will assume you hate me if you dont talk to me'
shit like that, they all knew. flaws in my personality. horrible, horrible flaws. one personality when i'm with them, at total ease, shooting my mouth off. another personality when i'm with others, afraid to speak and cautious about saying unconventional things.
perhaps its better to stick to the politically correct conversations. maintain constant, steady, hi-bye friendships with everyone. safe and secure. make small talk about school. dont even venture into your perspectives on how you judge the teachers, the other classmates. no, dont do that.
you have no right to judge, you have no right to voice your opinions and no one wants to hear them
when i entered this school, i thought it was okay to have little friends, to be comfortable with a small circle of friends (whom i can lean back on, as long as i try my best to accomodate to them, be nice to them) because i dont live near here, i'm not from this neighbourhood, therefore i don't have secondary school or primary school or tuition mates in this school. so its okay not to have the average social circle - just dont screw up and graduate. - that was my motto for the whole of last year.
but haha fml, i had to get so worked up about 'little things' - people not appreciating my help, people ignoring me, CCA coach, teachers, seniors who dont care, teachers who didnt teach properly, i had to complain about all these.
why did i have to do this?
why am i still doing this?
so here i am jealous of the closeness they now have without me, jealous of the steady, normal, constant relationships they have with the rest of the class, while i am nowhere, neither close to them or close to the class.
i am a drifter
was that how it was really going to be?
so i've lost that closesness in those 4 relationships. getting so emotionally attached, emotionally blurting. I just had to tell them everything i felt. tell them about my family, how i feel towards others. just had to tell them, couldnt control my feelings, couldn't keep my damned mouth shut.
allowed them to see the ugly side of me - ' i will assume you hate me if you dont talk to me'
shit like that, they all knew. flaws in my personality. horrible, horrible flaws. one personality when i'm with them, at total ease, shooting my mouth off. another personality when i'm with others, afraid to speak and cautious about saying unconventional things.
perhaps its better to stick to the politically correct conversations. maintain constant, steady, hi-bye friendships with everyone. safe and secure. make small talk about school. dont even venture into your perspectives on how you judge the teachers, the other classmates. no, dont do that.
you have no right to judge, you have no right to voice your opinions and no one wants to hear them
when i entered this school, i thought it was okay to have little friends, to be comfortable with a small circle of friends (whom i can lean back on, as long as i try my best to accomodate to them, be nice to them) because i dont live near here, i'm not from this neighbourhood, therefore i don't have secondary school or primary school or tuition mates in this school. so its okay not to have the average social circle - just dont screw up and graduate. - that was my motto for the whole of last year.
but haha fml, i had to get so worked up about 'little things' - people not appreciating my help, people ignoring me, CCA coach, teachers, seniors who dont care, teachers who didnt teach properly, i had to complain about all these.
why did i have to do this?
why am i still doing this?
so here i am jealous of the closeness they now have without me, jealous of the steady, normal, constant relationships they have with the rest of the class, while i am nowhere, neither close to them or close to the class.
i am a drifter
Recognition
so i thought i should stop using names here or even state explicitly what/who i'm referring to in case i break any laws or something. i am a coward. i am scared of the law now.
how contradictory. then i opened up the blog again.
to make a point? to attract attention? to let people know what i think coz i am so egoistic and self-centered, hating. blogging about every single shit that bothers me, can't keep my feelings to myself, have to make known to the world how i feel. have to complain about people. complain about society.
that's what i do best huh.
coz i am begging for recognition. for praise. for pity.
and by typing that above sentence just proves how childish and emotionally-crippled, weak, socially crass I am.
so now you go on outings without me. But our whatsapp group still exists. all the cards you wrote are still in my file. i bring the file to school everyday, a reminder of my failure to maintain relationships, failure to keep you. you weren't mine to begin with anyway though. i did all i wanted to do. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to put myself down and constantly demand and beg that you talk to me. how strongly i felt towards you, being increasingly clingy and attached and needy and shit.
so wtf is my problem huh
thanks for going out without me and posting the picture on facebook. i really needed to know what was going on in your happier lives without me.
well i am happy now, bitter and pathetic and trying to be fucking happy all by myself pushing people away because i dont want to have any expectations anymore
and what is a true friend? what is a truly 'nice person'?
someone told me i am the sort of person who expects things in return for being nice/kind.
yes. yes i do. i expect that they wish me happy birthday on my birthday. i expect them to wait for me whenever we end our breaks and move to another class. I expect them to wait for me so we can walk to our respective bus-stops together, although we take different directions, but i expect them to wait so we could walk together for just that short distance. I expect us to sit together every break, every lesson. unless we had other commitments.
so far things have been going according to my expectation. we sit together, eat together. and practically spend every minute at school together.
have I been too close for comfort?
going to that extent to celebrate someone's birthday, going to that extent to change someone's personality.
who gave me that damn fucking right to do so and then expect something in return for my un-asked for help? WHO?
I've only myself to blame for this
can't give them their due thanks, can't justify what happened
how contradictory. then i opened up the blog again.
to make a point? to attract attention? to let people know what i think coz i am so egoistic and self-centered, hating. blogging about every single shit that bothers me, can't keep my feelings to myself, have to make known to the world how i feel. have to complain about people. complain about society.
that's what i do best huh.
coz i am begging for recognition. for praise. for pity.
and by typing that above sentence just proves how childish and emotionally-crippled, weak, socially crass I am.
so now you go on outings without me. But our whatsapp group still exists. all the cards you wrote are still in my file. i bring the file to school everyday, a reminder of my failure to maintain relationships, failure to keep you. you weren't mine to begin with anyway though. i did all i wanted to do. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to put myself down and constantly demand and beg that you talk to me. how strongly i felt towards you, being increasingly clingy and attached and needy and shit.
so wtf is my problem huh
thanks for going out without me and posting the picture on facebook. i really needed to know what was going on in your happier lives without me.
well i am happy now, bitter and pathetic and trying to be fucking happy all by myself pushing people away because i dont want to have any expectations anymore
and what is a true friend? what is a truly 'nice person'?
someone told me i am the sort of person who expects things in return for being nice/kind.
yes. yes i do. i expect that they wish me happy birthday on my birthday. i expect them to wait for me whenever we end our breaks and move to another class. I expect them to wait for me so we can walk to our respective bus-stops together, although we take different directions, but i expect them to wait so we could walk together for just that short distance. I expect us to sit together every break, every lesson. unless we had other commitments.
so far things have been going according to my expectation. we sit together, eat together. and practically spend every minute at school together.
have I been too close for comfort?
going to that extent to celebrate someone's birthday, going to that extent to change someone's personality.
who gave me that damn fucking right to do so and then expect something in return for my un-asked for help? WHO?
I've only myself to blame for this
can't give them their due thanks, can't justify what happened
Saturday, April 6, 2013
should probably stop using names here in case i screw my life up more
so like it's getting better now and i like this cca now. can't say i love it because i still feel inferior to the rest of them and the coach is doing something though not much to train us but at least some affirmative action is taken
so i get damn envious and jealous of all the other debaters when they talk about the antics of the coach or how their last training session went etc etc because i want so much to be part of it ( for what i dont know, to get a sense of identity i think? as a debater, have some nice memories about debates as i did in SN library society) i don't feel the sense of affection for the coach as the rest of the j2s debaters do. nor do i feel much for the teachers in charge.
but the situation is improving. i hope it can continue improving.
want to really thank the new teachers in charge (dangerous to mention names here so i'll just use initials) Mr N.K and Miss Y. they have put in so much effort and let me go for the NUS-SCWO competition and miracles of miracles i got Best Speaker for one of the rounds against RVHS.
so I've made some really nice friends from the J1 batch - my team members and they're really nice and funny people who are really good at debating and have helped me so much in debating
and also my cca batch mates whom I've talked to more this year who i find are really funny and friendly too
' the opposition's case is as flawed as Lady Gaga's fashion sense"
"We demand an answer!'
"Point M'am. are you single? Because I'm available"
these were the really interesting and witty things the debaters said and i am really thankful to be friends with these people that came up with such interesting remarks
I hope this CCA can be more united and create more memories like this in future
I will love is so much and gush about it to everyone I know
i am going to join more competitions even if I dont win because i want to grow as a debater
i realise i have been a moody grumpy person last year (partly because I wasn't given opportunities like the other people and i felt worthless and shit felt so inferior and left out) expected to much of the school and the teachers and the coach.
is it better to not expect anything?
i have tried to ask the coach why didnt he give a shit about the rest of us last year ( he only trained 6-9 out of the 33 2012 j1 debates batch last year
he said something like there were time constraints and resources constraints so it was more pragmatic for him to focus on the more promising ones so the more reserved ones like myself didnt get the chance
so? it's okay for him to do that? okay for him to leave us hanging there? going around under this facade of a 'debater'? seriously
sending others for a competition because they were good because he trained them and not us because we suck because we did not have any training
oh ok LOL
so just fuck our lives then
blame it on the situation, blame it on fate, blame it on destiny, blame it on the lack of resources
so easy to minimize the blame but the damage is done and its irreversible ok
i am angsty now lol need to stop my brain from thinking so much
cant write too much of my personal opinions cant say too much
if not i'll see the principal soon
then i'll probably die
so i get damn envious and jealous of all the other debaters when they talk about the antics of the coach or how their last training session went etc etc because i want so much to be part of it ( for what i dont know, to get a sense of identity i think? as a debater, have some nice memories about debates as i did in SN library society) i don't feel the sense of affection for the coach as the rest of the j2s debaters do. nor do i feel much for the teachers in charge.
but the situation is improving. i hope it can continue improving.
want to really thank the new teachers in charge (dangerous to mention names here so i'll just use initials) Mr N.K and Miss Y. they have put in so much effort and let me go for the NUS-SCWO competition and miracles of miracles i got Best Speaker for one of the rounds against RVHS.
so I've made some really nice friends from the J1 batch - my team members and they're really nice and funny people who are really good at debating and have helped me so much in debating
and also my cca batch mates whom I've talked to more this year who i find are really funny and friendly too
' the opposition's case is as flawed as Lady Gaga's fashion sense"
"We demand an answer!'
"Point M'am. are you single? Because I'm available"
these were the really interesting and witty things the debaters said and i am really thankful to be friends with these people that came up with such interesting remarks
I hope this CCA can be more united and create more memories like this in future
I will love is so much and gush about it to everyone I know
i am going to join more competitions even if I dont win because i want to grow as a debater
i realise i have been a moody grumpy person last year (partly because I wasn't given opportunities like the other people and i felt worthless and shit felt so inferior and left out) expected to much of the school and the teachers and the coach.
is it better to not expect anything?
i have tried to ask the coach why didnt he give a shit about the rest of us last year ( he only trained 6-9 out of the 33 2012 j1 debates batch last year
he said something like there were time constraints and resources constraints so it was more pragmatic for him to focus on the more promising ones so the more reserved ones like myself didnt get the chance
so? it's okay for him to do that? okay for him to leave us hanging there? going around under this facade of a 'debater'? seriously
sending others for a competition because they were good because he trained them and not us because we suck because we did not have any training
oh ok LOL
so just fuck our lives then
blame it on the situation, blame it on fate, blame it on destiny, blame it on the lack of resources
so easy to minimize the blame but the damage is done and its irreversible ok
i am angsty now lol need to stop my brain from thinking so much
cant write too much of my personal opinions cant say too much
if not i'll see the principal soon
then i'll probably die
Friday, April 5, 2013
the sense of an ending
this is actually a book title. A book written by Julian Barnes and i am trying to write like him because that book is too damn god, a masterpiece. and is aptly describes my life right now.
so the friendship has ended. or should i say friendships? that's 4 friendships in total.
been thinking and reflecting a lot, and i need to get it all out. crazy rambling and full of shit and whatnot i just want to write it all out even though i don't make sense and nothing's going to change anyway. not like we're suddenly going to become best friends again. and not like i want to either. i guess this is closure and i have to move on. stop bugging them since they dont give a shit anymore. why do i keep asking' why you ignore me?' why do i keep asking 'do you hate me?' i am an insecure, screwed-up mess.
i am fully aware of that. But then, why do you ignore me? i know there is now this gulf between us and we just can't seem to communicate anymore. I try to make small talk like 'eh,, how's life' or a light pat on the shoulder and such physical gestures, but these efforts at salvaging the relationship are just so pathetic, silly and insignificant now.
it's just so stupid. and i am so childish, wanting you so much.
wanting your affirmation.
how do you maintain a relationship, anyway? i feel like i'm on a fucking roller coaster ride every single day. one minute we are so happy and close going everywhere together laughing together at our inside jokes and the next we cease all communications
so what now?
i should apply this is it?
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
why are you so cruel to bring me to heaven and then back to hell again all at once? it's not even a gradual descend to hell but an immediate switch from heaven to hell
i'd rather not have gone to that heaven then.
i just want to be left alone. constant. a state of homeostasis. neutral. then i wont be experiencing such extreme emotions now.
on one hand i feel i did so much in this friendship, always helping you to the fullest extent i can going all out, doing anything you asked. partly it is because i want you to like me. and also because i really like you and just want your company.
i am such a pushover right? I just want to be accepted.
trying to hard i guess. coming on too fast, too strong. doing so much for your birthdays (yes both of you) dammit.
why the fuck did i bother? was i expecting anything in return?
what the fuck was i expecting? an everlasting friendship?
fuck this when will i ever learn
people are not obliged to repay whatever nice things (as you perceive yourself to be doing) you do for them. it's all your personal choice.
1) your self deluded fantasy that you are so nice to them and they are complete assholes for not appreciating those kind acts but then again it was your self-delusions. you thought you were being super nice and kind to them. BUT YOU ARE NOT in their paradigm
2) it's just their character. their personality.
3) and to conclude. what you have always told me when i complained about you to you ('why you never eat with me' 'why you only talk to them and not me' why you dont want talk to me' 'why you dont want go home with me'
'Things cant always go your way'
i do admit that i am fucking irritating when i talk like that and spam you with countless 'why' questions but i really dont understand why did we become from super close to super distant now did our initial foundation of the friendship not count for anything? YES the fucking answer is a resolute deafening YES
the closeness and familiarity that we once had and is now gone the loss and not knowing why it is lost is what hurts the most now
would you hear me out before labelling me as the bad person
no, no no more talking about this
it's closure now.
just have myself to blame for getting too emotionally attached and boring them down with my stupid problems
so the friendship has ended. or should i say friendships? that's 4 friendships in total.
been thinking and reflecting a lot, and i need to get it all out. crazy rambling and full of shit and whatnot i just want to write it all out even though i don't make sense and nothing's going to change anyway. not like we're suddenly going to become best friends again. and not like i want to either. i guess this is closure and i have to move on. stop bugging them since they dont give a shit anymore. why do i keep asking' why you ignore me?' why do i keep asking 'do you hate me?' i am an insecure, screwed-up mess.
i am fully aware of that. But then, why do you ignore me? i know there is now this gulf between us and we just can't seem to communicate anymore. I try to make small talk like 'eh,, how's life' or a light pat on the shoulder and such physical gestures, but these efforts at salvaging the relationship are just so pathetic, silly and insignificant now.
it's just so stupid. and i am so childish, wanting you so much.
wanting your affirmation.
how do you maintain a relationship, anyway? i feel like i'm on a fucking roller coaster ride every single day. one minute we are so happy and close going everywhere together laughing together at our inside jokes and the next we cease all communications
so what now?
i should apply this is it?
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
why are you so cruel to bring me to heaven and then back to hell again all at once? it's not even a gradual descend to hell but an immediate switch from heaven to hell
i'd rather not have gone to that heaven then.
i just want to be left alone. constant. a state of homeostasis. neutral. then i wont be experiencing such extreme emotions now.
on one hand i feel i did so much in this friendship, always helping you to the fullest extent i can going all out, doing anything you asked. partly it is because i want you to like me. and also because i really like you and just want your company.
i am such a pushover right? I just want to be accepted.
trying to hard i guess. coming on too fast, too strong. doing so much for your birthdays (yes both of you) dammit.
why the fuck did i bother? was i expecting anything in return?
what the fuck was i expecting? an everlasting friendship?
fuck this when will i ever learn
people are not obliged to repay whatever nice things (as you perceive yourself to be doing) you do for them. it's all your personal choice.
1) your self deluded fantasy that you are so nice to them and they are complete assholes for not appreciating those kind acts but then again it was your self-delusions. you thought you were being super nice and kind to them. BUT YOU ARE NOT in their paradigm
2) it's just their character. their personality.
3) and to conclude. what you have always told me when i complained about you to you ('why you never eat with me' 'why you only talk to them and not me' why you dont want talk to me' 'why you dont want go home with me'
'Things cant always go your way'
i do admit that i am fucking irritating when i talk like that and spam you with countless 'why' questions but i really dont understand why did we become from super close to super distant now did our initial foundation of the friendship not count for anything? YES the fucking answer is a resolute deafening YES
the closeness and familiarity that we once had and is now gone the loss and not knowing why it is lost is what hurts the most now
would you hear me out before labelling me as the bad person
no, no no more talking about this
it's closure now.
just have myself to blame for getting too emotionally attached and boring them down with my stupid problems
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)