Trouble

the saddest word in the English language: Inconsolable

So I'm talking to more people now in CCA, in class. I think overall the change is good, but i am still socially awkward, having missed out on a whole year of social interaction. So many people have this impression that I'm moody grumpy and emo.
i think to a certain extent i still am right. but now i am trying to be less like that.

i guess.
but then I'm still pissed about stupid CCA matters ( i know right, what right do I have anyway, i didn't do shit last year) i wished more opportunities were given to us, as an entire CCA all of us should at least have a chance to train together, improve and interact on a somewhat personal level with the coach. And we should have a debates lecture package, stuff to teach us what to base our argument on etc. then everything would be so different now.
why is the school biased towards Sirius scholars? they have all sorts of opportunities offered on a plate to them, in their face. they are trained, cared for and nurtured. But others have to beg for these opportunities, and even if they get these opportunities it doesn't mean shit because they do not have access to the best resources like the Sirius scholars. And the principal keeps going on about how important non-academic activities are damn important - CCA, competitions etc but what about those who do are not offered these opportunities because they do not know these opportunities existed, and they have been turning up religiously for CCA but treated as if they were non-existent simply because they were not outspoken as the rest?

what does it mean to be smart anyway? it helps if you know the game. it helps if you suck-up. It helps if you have a large social circle. It helps if your parents are together. It helps if you're friends with teachers. Most of all, it helps if you are a Sirius Scholar.

does it mean that those with L1R5s of 11 and above do not have the same capabilities as those with L1R5 and below.
isn't it ironic that the school emphasizes so strongly on non-academic achievments but these Sirius scholars are labelled scholars, the cream of the crop and given the best resources - SIMPLY BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVMENTS

your fate would be very very very different if you were a Sirius Scholar

So what if I've attended CCA regularly last year? the message relay system was so screwed up and only some people knew what was going on at all. things like competition opportunites. organising CCA activities were only limited to those few people, the EXCO, and those who were close to the EXCO.

So having been socially disconnected for so long, where do i pick up from?
Can i ever change?
its really a blessing that the new teachers in charge took over, they are really passionate about debates and the whole stupid debates situation is changing slowly like we are getting closer and laughing more which is the way it should be (in an ideal world)
i really want to thank them for all their help

last year the CCA seemed to function on this idea - you join debates because you are damn good at debating
but this year its more on passion - you join debates to get better at debating, because you like debating

and for the upcoming SMU Hammers competition I hope you can just put in your everything - since its your first and last and only competition (do you really want your testimonial to have so little things while the others have theirs peppered and coloured with numerous achievments) just go all out for it and realize your potential.
We could blame the school, blame the teachers- in -charge for not giving a shit about us, blame the coach for being judgemental and only helping the outspoken ones, blame the EXCO for not reaching out to us, blame the seniors for not providing the much needed care and guidance, blame the Sirius scholars for gobbling up the resourcers, blame MOE for kiasu school culture and 'the testimonial concept phenomenon

but it all boils down to our passivity. those people put in real effort to suck up and speak out, to overcome their mental barriers and had good social skills
thats conforming to social norms. that's adhering to the rules of society. if we wanna survive we have to forget our principals and go with the flow
if not we are shit. the bottom of the human pyramid and will stay there forevermore

i am resigned to my fate

on an ending note - here's what one of my juniors said - ' i hate people, but I love individuals'
because people are powerless to the changing societal norms - they are hostages to their identities are resigned to societal norms if they wanna survive but individuals are actually really nice and sentimental and its really nice when we get to interact we indviduals on the personal level and find out that they are not hostages to their identities - we have free will, imagination, morality and principle that differentiaties us.

We have to look beyond the privileges of our own identity to defend the notion that human rights are either universal or they are meaningless ( kouped this quote from a book ahaha i am not so zai)
On another ending note - I like the school more now, things are looking up, academic results are improving, CCA situation improving (getting more involved), talking more to people, new friendships blossoming (although friendships have ended too- do you all not care anymore)
its okay we have not talked for two weeks  and counting but i am still surviving and you all are having so much fun and doing things that we never did and would never do together when i was still part of your clique - like taking random photos together so it really wasn't meant to be, should have noticed the foreshadowing elements earlier, the cracks in our friendship

can i get a closure? why do you not want to talk to me anymore? ahahah
no forget that. guess this is the best outcome
we'll just go in parallel directions and not cross each others' lives
i just hope i can resist the temptation to beg you to be my friend again