this is actually a book title. A book written by Julian Barnes and i am trying to write like him because that book is too damn god, a masterpiece. and is aptly describes my life right now.
so the friendship has ended. or should i say friendships? that's 4 friendships in total.
been thinking and reflecting a lot, and i need to get it all out. crazy rambling and full of shit and whatnot i just want to write it all out even though i don't make sense and nothing's going to change anyway. not like we're suddenly going to become best friends again. and not like i want to either. i guess this is closure and i have to move on. stop bugging them since they dont give a shit anymore. why do i keep asking' why you ignore me?' why do i keep asking 'do you hate me?' i am an insecure, screwed-up mess.
i am fully aware of that. But then, why do you ignore me? i know there is now this gulf between us and we just can't seem to communicate anymore. I try to make small talk like 'eh,, how's life' or a light pat on the shoulder and such physical gestures, but these efforts at salvaging the relationship are just so pathetic, silly and insignificant now.
it's just so stupid. and i am so childish, wanting you so much.
wanting your affirmation.
how do you maintain a relationship, anyway? i feel like i'm on a fucking roller coaster ride every single day. one minute we are so happy and close going everywhere together laughing together at our inside jokes and the next we cease all communications
so what now?
i should apply this is it?
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
why are you so cruel to bring me to heaven and then back to hell again all at once? it's not even a gradual descend to hell but an immediate switch from heaven to hell
i'd rather not have gone to that heaven then.
i just want to be left alone. constant. a state of homeostasis. neutral. then i wont be experiencing such extreme emotions now.
on one hand i feel i did so much in this friendship, always helping you to the fullest extent i can going all out, doing anything you asked. partly it is because i want you to like me. and also because i really like you and just want your company.
i am such a pushover right? I just want to be accepted.
trying to hard i guess. coming on too fast, too strong. doing so much for your birthdays (yes both of you) dammit.
why the fuck did i bother? was i expecting anything in return?
what the fuck was i expecting? an everlasting friendship?
fuck this when will i ever learn
people are not obliged to repay whatever nice things (as you perceive yourself to be doing) you do for them. it's all your personal choice.
1) your self deluded fantasy that you are so nice to them and they are complete assholes for not appreciating those kind acts but then again it was your self-delusions. you thought you were being super nice and kind to them. BUT YOU ARE NOT in their paradigm
2) it's just their character. their personality.
3) and to conclude. what you have always told me when i complained about you to you ('why you never eat with me' 'why you only talk to them and not me' why you dont want talk to me' 'why you dont want go home with me'
'Things cant always go your way'
i do admit that i am fucking irritating when i talk like that and spam you with countless 'why' questions but i really dont understand why did we become from super close to super distant now did our initial foundation of the friendship not count for anything? YES the fucking answer is a resolute deafening YES
the closeness and familiarity that we once had and is now gone the loss and not knowing why it is lost is what hurts the most now
would you hear me out before labelling me as the bad person
no, no no more talking about this
it's closure now.
just have myself to blame for getting too emotionally attached and boring them down with my stupid problems
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