friends

who needs friends anyway? Weren't they just going to build you up, make you think you were good, then spit in your face?
was that how it was really going to be?
so i've lost that closesness in those 4 relationships. getting so emotionally attached, emotionally blurting. I just had to tell them everything i felt. tell them about my family, how i feel towards others. just had to tell them, couldnt control my feelings, couldn't keep my damned mouth shut.
allowed them to see the ugly side of me - ' i will assume you hate me if you dont talk to me'
shit like that, they all knew. flaws in my personality. horrible, horrible flaws. one personality when i'm with them, at total ease, shooting my mouth off. another personality when i'm with others, afraid to speak and cautious about saying unconventional things.
perhaps its better to stick to the politically correct conversations. maintain constant, steady, hi-bye friendships with everyone. safe and secure. make small talk about school. dont even venture into your perspectives on how you judge the teachers, the other classmates. no, dont do that.
you have no right to judge, you have no right to voice your opinions and no one wants to hear them

when i entered this school, i thought it was okay to have little friends, to be comfortable with a small circle of friends (whom i can lean back on, as long as i try my best to accomodate to them, be nice to them) because i dont live near here, i'm not from this neighbourhood, therefore i don't have secondary school or primary school or tuition mates in this school. so its okay not to have the average social circle - just dont screw up and graduate. - that was my motto for the whole of last year.
but haha fml, i had to get so worked up about 'little things' - people not appreciating my help, people ignoring me, CCA coach, teachers, seniors who dont care, teachers who didnt teach properly, i had to complain about all these.
why did i have to do this?
why am i still doing this?
so here i am jealous of the closeness they now have without me, jealous of the steady, normal, constant relationships they have with the rest of the class, while i am nowhere, neither close to them or close to the class.
i am a drifter