Recognition

so i thought i should stop using names here or even state explicitly what/who i'm referring to in case i break any laws or something. i am a coward. i am scared of the law now.
how contradictory. then i opened up the blog again.
to make a point? to attract attention? to let people know what i think coz i am so egoistic and self-centered, hating. blogging about every single shit that bothers me, can't keep my feelings to myself, have to make known to the world how i feel. have to complain about people. complain about society.
that's what i do best huh.

coz i am begging for recognition. for praise. for pity.
and by typing that above sentence just proves how childish and emotionally-crippled, weak, socially crass I am.

so now you go on outings without me. But our whatsapp group still exists. all the cards you wrote are still in my file. i bring the file to school everyday, a reminder of my failure to maintain relationships, failure to keep you. you weren't mine to begin with anyway though. i did all i wanted to do. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to put myself down and constantly demand and beg that you talk to me. how strongly i felt towards you, being increasingly clingy and attached and needy and shit.
so wtf is my problem huh
 thanks for going out without me and posting the picture on facebook. i really needed to know what was going on in your happier lives without me.
well i am happy now, bitter and pathetic and trying to be fucking happy all by myself pushing people away because i dont want to have any expectations anymore

and what is a true friend? what is a truly 'nice person'?
someone told me i am the sort of person who expects things in return for being nice/kind.
yes. yes i do. i expect that they wish me happy birthday on my birthday. i expect them to wait for me whenever we end our breaks and move to another class. I expect them to wait for me so we can walk to our respective bus-stops together, although we take different directions, but i expect them to wait so we could walk together for just that short distance. I expect us to sit together every break, every lesson. unless we had other commitments.
so far things have been going according to my expectation. we sit together, eat together. and practically spend every minute at school together.
have I been too close for comfort?
going to that extent to celebrate someone's birthday, going to that extent to change someone's personality.
who gave me that damn fucking right to do so and then expect something in return for my un-asked for help? WHO?
I've only myself to blame for this
can't give them their due thanks, can't justify what happened