19th Birthday

HI JS so here's the post i promised where's your post too

My birthday.
Nothing to celebrate about, really. it just makes one feel emptier and inadequate.
so i was discussing the celebration of this stupid life event with JS and it's comfort to know she feels the same way as me (just read her blog and it provides motivation and peace)
my mind is burdened with shit so I can't really put my point clearly across but i'll try my best:
Before my birthday i was expecting something, a surprise and shit like that. i know i shouldn't be expecting much because i didn't do much to warrant that kind of importance to actually have a surprise planned in my name. friends were also very busy with their new working lives. i don/t know why but i put a lot of importance on birthdays, sending a birthday SMS i feel, is much more sincere than facebook messaging birthday wishes (like people facebook birthday wish others simply because the other party had wished him/her before so where's the sincerity in that?)

as expected, the number of birthday wishes i got in text/whatsapp even on facebook dwindled lots this year. previous years i had 35> friends facebook wishing me and 10> birthday smses but i guess people just grow apart? Even when i went out with my friend who had the same birthday as me to spend our birthdays together i was the one who got her a birthday present and card (though it was rushed- I only made the card and bought the present on that very day) but the fact is she didnt reciprocate that gesture so I guess that says a lot about our relationship, we weren't as close as I thought we were.
another thing, even when people throw you birthday surprise parties in your name it just feels like an obligatory gesture instead of a genuine one. You don't feel happy, you feel indebted instead, and you'd have to repay it back on their birthdays. (as quoted from JS) furthermore i think people throw birthday parties to make a statement of what a good friend they are and to feel superficially socially good? (I don't know, like to have a reason to call out people to come together as a sign of how great their friendship is because they'd actually took so much time off their busy schedules to plan a freaking birthday party)
Even my best friends didn't wish me (once again i guess that says a lot about our friendship) i make it a point to give birthday presents (pragmatic ones) to friends each year, but year after year i feel more and more neglected when that gesture is not reciprocated. and don't give me that shit about to not expect things in return when you do something bla bla. You try to apply it to your life and you realise how difficult it is? it's no longer about being the nice person, the kind, the easy going, the one who doesn't hold grudges, the good friend anymore, because it just puts a statement on the how bad I am at maintaining relationships. even though i felt i tried my best to be a good friend to everyone i meet.
I'm a crowd pleaser.
on a lighter note, I am really thankful to receive some really sincere gifts from a few friends. - it's not about the cost of the presents really, a birthday card would do just fine to re-establish our relationship to re-assure each other that we are still good friends. but i get lesser cards each year.
am i overthinking shit again? i really hate being like that and want to learn not to take life so seriously. i want to learn how to deal with rejection and relationships distancing and shit like that. i really really really want to.