Coming from an all-girls' school environment, being in JC has been a culture shock to me. I don't understand the male sex and most of the time i disprove of their actions (e.g body building, evaluating the body shapes of girls, sexual jokes, chauvinism etc)
i don't see the need for male companionship i just want to be with my girlfriends. we can really talk about anything, any problems and talking to them, going out with them i can be myself and it just makes life so much more bearable. Yet when it comes to guys all i feel is inadequacy, ugliness and self-loathing. for a while i admit i do feel flattered and cared for a loved (more than a girl could ever make me feel) when a guy shows concern for me, offers to pay for meals, initiate conversations etc.
Recently I have been a receiver (or should I say victim?) of such male affection. For a while my head was up in the clouds and I felt this sense of euphoria that i've never felt in a long long time since my first boyfriend in secondary 2 and that stupid crush i had for a long time in sec 3 - jc1. we went out one on one together and it was fun, i was my awkwardly weird self but gradually opened up I guess, and i enjoyed these 'dates'? i don't think i got the wrong idea. He was too close, closer than a normal friend, texted frequently etc.
i don't like ambiguity so i reciprocated and my gestures weren't rejected. so i went for it and initiated a relationship.
he said no, and all i feel is confusion and rejection now. i know my self-worth is not determined by my relationship with him but i can't get stop feeling like this. i want to hide under my bed sheets and listen to eason chan wu yue tian passenger and bon iver and just heal myself you know? nothing hurts so exquisitely as unrequited love.
i don't know where I went wrong, I didn't initiate conversation or flirt first (read through my whatsapp history with him) i just replied normally (or so I thought) to his advances and it had to turn out this way. i tread cautiously with this but still this had to happen? i really don't know what to do anymore and i just want to run away from all this shit
i don't have many guy friends I just want to click well with one guy and just be in a mutually supporting relationship where both of us become better people.
where we listen to each other's problems, accept each other's flaws and make each other want to change for the better.
to know each other better and empathize with each other's pain and suddenly my own pain doesn't feel so painful anymore
to have a joint bank account in which we can save up for our future and have goals to work towards, have something to look forward to after each tiring day at work (all of my female co-workers are happily attached, having something to look forward to after work) I guess for me what I look forward to is how each day is a new experience for me moulding me into a better person for the next potential relationship that comes along. what the heck I've been trying to become physically attractive and buying nice clothes and generally turning to a materialistic lifestyle when previously i was not like that.
the change is too fast and i want it to stop i want to stay true to myself and just wear things i feel good in????? but my sadness makes me want to attract male attention more i really should stop this is not the way to get rid of this empty hollow feeling inside trying to build healthy relationships but nothing seems to work out
No comments:
Post a Comment