screwed up and angry and tired and sick of myself and sick of life it takes everything in me not to do end this. i dont know how i am going to go about ending this but all i know i would be so much happier ending it. it would be true happiness. then i think about the suicides. the one that happened 3 years ago in my school and the recent one in NUS and i think, they are just another statistic. to be used in political conferences, to be used in seminars, discussions, debates, in gp essays, another example cited.
and when will i soon be added to that list of statistics? all of us face problems, obstacles, and they say the strongest ones are those who don't give up, and fight all the way.
but you know what? I am tired, so fucking tired, i want to scream and shout and cry and howl but no one's there.
it takes so much courage to give up on yourself and accept what you've become, a failure, a hopeless failure.
instead of living in fantasy and thinking you're going to make it somehow.
when will we stop lying to ourselves?
this is my life. can i decide what i want to do with it? why must everyday of my life be such a mundane task, an onerous responsibility and I have to do what you expect of me or feel bad for the rest of my life. feel guilt, hate myself. why do i owe it to all of you what i do with my life
i don't want to engage in anymore social activities. i can't love myself, i can't love my family. i can't love anyone.
please leave me to my solitude.
let me wallow in self pity.
that's what i do best, so leave me
see, we know the situation before us is so fucking hopeless, and we continue to fight stubbornly, for what? can we ever be courageous enough to end our pathetic lives?
yes, i hope i can. that would be the only right thing i do with my life.
i dont want a job
i dont want an a level certificate
i dont want a family
i dont want my life
but do i have a choice
all these things have been forced upon me, you think i'm so fucking lucky but these things are curses i have to constantly live up to them
and i dont want to, i really dont want to
fuck
Monday, May 13, 2013
School
so my classmate thought i hated the school i am in because it wasn't elitist.
the exact question was 'if (insert school name here) became a top school, would you still hate it?"
i know i hated the school for a good whole year but the reason was never because it wasn't a top school/elitist/produced top scorers etc academic stuffs but it lies in the people i formed relationships with that shaped my perspectives, my feelings
My civics tutor scolded me for donating $2 for the school's fund-raising and she went on to compare me to people from FAS who were able to donate $25.
then she basically gave me the evil eye whenever she saw me
so i did not have a good experience
and became a hater
now i guess its better
but still
now the principals know
LOL
the end
but i know one teacher's words does not equal the entire school
so its okay
she is insignificant to me
just like how I am insignificant to the school until i start posting hate posts
your good is rarely recognised, your bads are always highlighted
the exact question was 'if (insert school name here) became a top school, would you still hate it?"
i know i hated the school for a good whole year but the reason was never because it wasn't a top school/elitist/produced top scorers etc academic stuffs but it lies in the people i formed relationships with that shaped my perspectives, my feelings
My civics tutor scolded me for donating $2 for the school's fund-raising and she went on to compare me to people from FAS who were able to donate $25.
then she basically gave me the evil eye whenever she saw me
so i did not have a good experience
and became a hater
now i guess its better
but still
now the principals know
LOL
the end
but i know one teacher's words does not equal the entire school
so its okay
she is insignificant to me
just like how I am insignificant to the school until i start posting hate posts
your good is rarely recognised, your bads are always highlighted
i ate shit
i ate shit, yesterday.
i like saying that. it makes me feel liberated. i like eating shit too. i feel special.
what is going on with the world i do not know see like always i am at a loss for words and i can't love my family. all i want is to be left alone, away.
i feel weird and crappy and sometimes i wished i had the courage to end my life. coz i always end up in this constant state of existential depression and i lose people i love, between loving them too much and loving them too little
see i dont know what to do, and the things i do,
they always turn out wrong
i just dont want to screw up anymore,
i can't narrate heartfelt thoughts here because somehow it always comes across as offensive or stupid and i dont want to be like that?
i like my school now and i hope it likes me too and i admit i wasn't very likeable in the past i do hate myself too, all the time.
i like saying that. it makes me feel liberated. i like eating shit too. i feel special.
what is going on with the world i do not know see like always i am at a loss for words and i can't love my family. all i want is to be left alone, away.
i feel weird and crappy and sometimes i wished i had the courage to end my life. coz i always end up in this constant state of existential depression and i lose people i love, between loving them too much and loving them too little
see i dont know what to do, and the things i do,
they always turn out wrong
i just dont want to screw up anymore,
i can't narrate heartfelt thoughts here because somehow it always comes across as offensive or stupid and i dont want to be like that?
i like my school now and i hope it likes me too and i admit i wasn't very likeable in the past i do hate myself too, all the time.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
study
i am going to stay back in school everyday and study.
pjc - simply a happy place
i think i sort of feel that now. nice teachers, nice CCA mates, nice geog tutorial friends from another class esp K who came to hug me during the mental wellness week exhibition, nice classmates, nice CCA juniors, nice random people who came to congratulate me for the win on the UN thing
when people are nice to you it sort of forms an expectation for them to continue being nice if not you'll just be left with this confusion and frustration because they just stop being nice for no reason
i'd rather not have anyone be nice to me then have the niceness stop
like how my friendships ended with 4 people i loved(?) so much and spent my everyday going everywhere with them in school talking to them on whatsapp laughing about random shit what is love anyway where has the time gone
it's really over, isn't it?
give me closure, tell me why.
why have you stopped talking to me, why has our friendships turned out like this
my best friends.
or perhaps that was a self-imposed label.
looking at the notes you wrote me, our messages to each other, the birthday presents and cards
what do they mean to you now?
i think it was a different kind of happy last year, and now another kind of happy i experience with the rest of the class. although the kind of social interaction now wasn't as intimate as it was last time at least i am talking to more people and participating more in class. no longer so close-minded and aloof and anti-social anymore which is good
but still
but still
but still
but still
i miss you damn it
pjc - simply a happy place
i think i sort of feel that now. nice teachers, nice CCA mates, nice geog tutorial friends from another class esp K who came to hug me during the mental wellness week exhibition, nice classmates, nice CCA juniors, nice random people who came to congratulate me for the win on the UN thing
when people are nice to you it sort of forms an expectation for them to continue being nice if not you'll just be left with this confusion and frustration because they just stop being nice for no reason
i'd rather not have anyone be nice to me then have the niceness stop
like how my friendships ended with 4 people i loved(?) so much and spent my everyday going everywhere with them in school talking to them on whatsapp laughing about random shit what is love anyway where has the time gone
it's really over, isn't it?
give me closure, tell me why.
why have you stopped talking to me, why has our friendships turned out like this
my best friends.
or perhaps that was a self-imposed label.
looking at the notes you wrote me, our messages to each other, the birthday presents and cards
what do they mean to you now?
i think it was a different kind of happy last year, and now another kind of happy i experience with the rest of the class. although the kind of social interaction now wasn't as intimate as it was last time at least i am talking to more people and participating more in class. no longer so close-minded and aloof and anti-social anymore which is good
but still
but still
but still
but still
i miss you damn it
"I don't want to. I just don't"
" We are going to get trashed anyways"
this was what you said to me when i asked you to train for the competition.
"we'll do it in May"
why dont you want to train now when you have time?
"because i don't want to. I just don't"
that was a month plus ago.
so if you just want to go for the competition simply for the sake of it and shame our school by debating like shit when you have the bloody potential to fucking win the competition then you might as well don't go
do you know how much it costs to send one team for the competition? if you think this is a game and its funny to screw up and laugh it off well then fuck you
fuck you for wasting my time
going to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA (and your excuse? "we dont learn anything in CCA anyway") why? because you are so always playing with your phone when coach is teaching
playing phone games when you could be learning important things from coach and juniors debating
what's the point in coming for CCA?
testimonial? or just to show face?
forget it if you don't want to go, could have just told me in the first place and your place in the competition could very well be give to someone else who genuinely wants to improve and takes debating seriously.
and ignoring whatever i said, you think i like to persuade and beg and be irritating and pester you to train with me so we could all be competition-ready? is it a fucking obligation for me to beg/demand of you to do what you're supposed to be doing?
fuck you for wasting my time and everyone else's time
and putting me through all that shit reflecting and worrying whether was I too irritating bugging you about the compeition, trying to work out a training schedule
fuck you for wasting precious days that could have been used for personal training
so just because we would lose, it's okay to not give your best?
it's okay to not come for CCA? it's okay to play with your phone when coach is teaching us important things, it's okay to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA, it's okay to pon Saturday trainings with your feeble excuse of, "we don't learn anything in CCA"
fuck you for wasting everyone's efforts
i dont know if it's because we have inherently different personalities/perspectives but i think this is just plain selfish, inconsiderate, egoistic and rude
this was what you said to me when i asked you to train for the competition.
"we'll do it in May"
why dont you want to train now when you have time?
"because i don't want to. I just don't"
that was a month plus ago.
so if you just want to go for the competition simply for the sake of it and shame our school by debating like shit when you have the bloody potential to fucking win the competition then you might as well don't go
do you know how much it costs to send one team for the competition? if you think this is a game and its funny to screw up and laugh it off well then fuck you
fuck you for wasting my time
going to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA (and your excuse? "we dont learn anything in CCA anyway") why? because you are so always playing with your phone when coach is teaching
playing phone games when you could be learning important things from coach and juniors debating
what's the point in coming for CCA?
testimonial? or just to show face?
forget it if you don't want to go, could have just told me in the first place and your place in the competition could very well be give to someone else who genuinely wants to improve and takes debating seriously.
and ignoring whatever i said, you think i like to persuade and beg and be irritating and pester you to train with me so we could all be competition-ready? is it a fucking obligation for me to beg/demand of you to do what you're supposed to be doing?
fuck you for wasting my time and everyone else's time
and putting me through all that shit reflecting and worrying whether was I too irritating bugging you about the compeition, trying to work out a training schedule
fuck you for wasting precious days that could have been used for personal training
so just because we would lose, it's okay to not give your best?
it's okay to not come for CCA? it's okay to play with your phone when coach is teaching us important things, it's okay to watch a movie when you're supposed to come for CCA, it's okay to pon Saturday trainings with your feeble excuse of, "we don't learn anything in CCA"
fuck you for wasting everyone's efforts
i dont know if it's because we have inherently different personalities/perspectives but i think this is just plain selfish, inconsiderate, egoistic and rude
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Memories
So my life has been improving, i think. I think it's the work of God in my life. Or is it the natural order of things. i really dont deserve this good life now.
in primary school i had good memories and made good friends, had good teachers, attended alumni camps, had crazy feelings for a senior (is it even love what is love anyway) liked/loved him since i was Sec 3
in secondary school i had loving friends who wrote me post-its and encouraged me, teachers who bought chicken rice for me, bought fans with his own money for our classroom which had no windows no ventilation, had nice canteen food to eat, lived in a happy lovely warm caring environment with so much love that i can never reciprocate though my studies were shit (L1R5s of 41-45), i complained and moaned and blamed my parents but after graduating i realized how lucky i was to be in st nicks and had all these friends and teachers that gave so much unconditional love
in junior college i thought my life had gone to shit, people were cold (at first), gave me superficial smiles (or so i thought), teachers didn't care (or so I thought), CCA sucks, school system bad (or so I thought)
that was in J1, had so many unhappiness and bitterness in me but now things are improving idk what is going on but i am so thankful to all of you
- MG15 '12
-12A07
-Debates mates & J1s who are ever so enthusiastic, friendly, weird, & Y who always hugs me when she sees me, thank you:')
-Chongqing cse trip friends
-Relief teachers who always put the fun in learning, ever so dedicated - Mr L, Mr S, Mr H. i probably should not mention any names here in case i get into the spotlight again
so the girls from 12A07 were always every so supportive and listen to my whinings and complaints and depressing thoughts i love you all so much i really dont deserve all this
thank you debates teachers in charge who gave me the opportunity to participate in competition, attending every training session with us, advising us, providing moral support
thank you cse trip friends who always smile at me and wave to me and helping me in math, eating breakfast on late Thursday mornings, T and her lame jokes and funny accents that always bring joy into my days
thank you MG15 for providing that shelter and familiarity every morning at our MG table. I didnt dare to sit with you all last year but you are all so lovely and sweet idk what to do thanks for teaching me math and asking about my life i cannot thank all of you enough the laughter we shared, teasing each other,, studying together, talking about school, teachers, teasing each other i am going to miss that so much can we please meet up often even after we graduate please dont let the whatsapp group die
dearest debates mates who are ever so funny and perky and weird, always teasing each other, watching each other's antics, spurring each other on during competitions, helping out for ICDCs.
we have grown closer this year, making up for so much lost time. i love you all so much
wtf was wrong with me last year thinking everyone was intimidating and competitive and scary
thank you school thank you MOE for making the school thank you PAP for making MOE thank you Singapore for making PAP
in primary school i had good memories and made good friends, had good teachers, attended alumni camps, had crazy feelings for a senior (is it even love what is love anyway) liked/loved him since i was Sec 3
in secondary school i had loving friends who wrote me post-its and encouraged me, teachers who bought chicken rice for me, bought fans with his own money for our classroom which had no windows no ventilation, had nice canteen food to eat, lived in a happy lovely warm caring environment with so much love that i can never reciprocate though my studies were shit (L1R5s of 41-45), i complained and moaned and blamed my parents but after graduating i realized how lucky i was to be in st nicks and had all these friends and teachers that gave so much unconditional love
in junior college i thought my life had gone to shit, people were cold (at first), gave me superficial smiles (or so i thought), teachers didn't care (or so I thought), CCA sucks, school system bad (or so I thought)
that was in J1, had so many unhappiness and bitterness in me but now things are improving idk what is going on but i am so thankful to all of you
- MG15 '12
-12A07
-Debates mates & J1s who are ever so enthusiastic, friendly, weird, & Y who always hugs me when she sees me, thank you:')
-Chongqing cse trip friends
-Relief teachers who always put the fun in learning, ever so dedicated - Mr L, Mr S, Mr H. i probably should not mention any names here in case i get into the spotlight again
so the girls from 12A07 were always every so supportive and listen to my whinings and complaints and depressing thoughts i love you all so much i really dont deserve all this
thank you debates teachers in charge who gave me the opportunity to participate in competition, attending every training session with us, advising us, providing moral support
thank you cse trip friends who always smile at me and wave to me and helping me in math, eating breakfast on late Thursday mornings, T and her lame jokes and funny accents that always bring joy into my days
thank you MG15 for providing that shelter and familiarity every morning at our MG table. I didnt dare to sit with you all last year but you are all so lovely and sweet idk what to do thanks for teaching me math and asking about my life i cannot thank all of you enough the laughter we shared, teasing each other,, studying together, talking about school, teachers, teasing each other i am going to miss that so much can we please meet up often even after we graduate please dont let the whatsapp group die
dearest debates mates who are ever so funny and perky and weird, always teasing each other, watching each other's antics, spurring each other on during competitions, helping out for ICDCs.
we have grown closer this year, making up for so much lost time. i love you all so much
wtf was wrong with me last year thinking everyone was intimidating and competitive and scary
thank you school thank you MOE for making the school thank you PAP for making MOE thank you Singapore for making PAP
Friday, April 12, 2013
Trouble
the saddest word in the English language: Inconsolable
So I'm talking to more people now in CCA, in class. I think overall the change is good, but i am still socially awkward, having missed out on a whole year of social interaction. So many people have this impression that I'm moody grumpy and emo.
i think to a certain extent i still am right. but now i am trying to be less like that.
i guess.
but then I'm still pissed about stupid CCA matters ( i know right, what right do I have anyway, i didn't do shit last year) i wished more opportunities were given to us, as an entire CCA all of us should at least have a chance to train together, improve and interact on a somewhat personal level with the coach. And we should have a debates lecture package, stuff to teach us what to base our argument on etc. then everything would be so different now.
why is the school biased towards Sirius scholars? they have all sorts of opportunities offered on a plate to them, in their face. they are trained, cared for and nurtured. But others have to beg for these opportunities, and even if they get these opportunities it doesn't mean shit because they do not have access to the best resources like the Sirius scholars. And the principal keeps going on about how important non-academic activities are damn important - CCA, competitions etc but what about those who do are not offered these opportunities because they do not know these opportunities existed, and they have been turning up religiously for CCA but treated as if they were non-existent simply because they were not outspoken as the rest?
what does it mean to be smart anyway? it helps if you know the game. it helps if you suck-up. It helps if you have a large social circle. It helps if your parents are together. It helps if you're friends with teachers. Most of all, it helps if you are a Sirius Scholar.
does it mean that those with L1R5s of 11 and above do not have the same capabilities as those with L1R5 and below.
isn't it ironic that the school emphasizes so strongly on non-academic achievments but these Sirius scholars are labelled scholars, the cream of the crop and given the best resources - SIMPLY BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVMENTS
your fate would be very very very different if you were a Sirius Scholar
So what if I've attended CCA regularly last year? the message relay system was so screwed up and only some people knew what was going on at all. things like competition opportunites. organising CCA activities were only limited to those few people, the EXCO, and those who were close to the EXCO.
So having been socially disconnected for so long, where do i pick up from?
Can i ever change?
its really a blessing that the new teachers in charge took over, they are really passionate about debates and the whole stupid debates situation is changing slowly like we are getting closer and laughing more which is the way it should be (in an ideal world)
i really want to thank them for all their help
last year the CCA seemed to function on this idea - you join debates because you are damn good at debating
but this year its more on passion - you join debates to get better at debating, because you like debating
and for the upcoming SMU Hammers competition I hope you can just put in your everything - since its your first and last and only competition (do you really want your testimonial to have so little things while the others have theirs peppered and coloured with numerous achievments) just go all out for it and realize your potential.
We could blame the school, blame the teachers- in -charge for not giving a shit about us, blame the coach for being judgemental and only helping the outspoken ones, blame the EXCO for not reaching out to us, blame the seniors for not providing the much needed care and guidance, blame the Sirius scholars for gobbling up the resourcers, blame MOE for kiasu school culture and 'the testimonial concept phenomenon
but it all boils down to our passivity. those people put in real effort to suck up and speak out, to overcome their mental barriers and had good social skills
thats conforming to social norms. that's adhering to the rules of society. if we wanna survive we have to forget our principals and go with the flow
if not we are shit. the bottom of the human pyramid and will stay there forevermore
i am resigned to my fate
on an ending note - here's what one of my juniors said - ' i hate people, but I love individuals'
because people are powerless to the changing societal norms - they are hostages to their identities are resigned to societal norms if they wanna survive but individuals are actually really nice and sentimental and its really nice when we get to interact we indviduals on the personal level and find out that they are not hostages to their identities - we have free will, imagination, morality and principle that differentiaties us.
We have to look beyond the privileges of our own identity to defend the notion that human rights are either universal or they are meaningless ( kouped this quote from a book ahaha i am not so zai)
On another ending note - I like the school more now, things are looking up, academic results are improving, CCA situation improving (getting more involved), talking more to people, new friendships blossoming (although friendships have ended too- do you all not care anymore)
its okay we have not talked for two weeks and counting but i am still surviving and you all are having so much fun and doing things that we never did and would never do together when i was still part of your clique - like taking random photos together so it really wasn't meant to be, should have noticed the foreshadowing elements earlier, the cracks in our friendship
can i get a closure? why do you not want to talk to me anymore? ahahah
no forget that. guess this is the best outcome
we'll just go in parallel directions and not cross each others' lives
i just hope i can resist the temptation to beg you to be my friend again
So I'm talking to more people now in CCA, in class. I think overall the change is good, but i am still socially awkward, having missed out on a whole year of social interaction. So many people have this impression that I'm moody grumpy and emo.
i think to a certain extent i still am right. but now i am trying to be less like that.
i guess.
but then I'm still pissed about stupid CCA matters ( i know right, what right do I have anyway, i didn't do shit last year) i wished more opportunities were given to us, as an entire CCA all of us should at least have a chance to train together, improve and interact on a somewhat personal level with the coach. And we should have a debates lecture package, stuff to teach us what to base our argument on etc. then everything would be so different now.
why is the school biased towards Sirius scholars? they have all sorts of opportunities offered on a plate to them, in their face. they are trained, cared for and nurtured. But others have to beg for these opportunities, and even if they get these opportunities it doesn't mean shit because they do not have access to the best resources like the Sirius scholars. And the principal keeps going on about how important non-academic activities are damn important - CCA, competitions etc but what about those who do are not offered these opportunities because they do not know these opportunities existed, and they have been turning up religiously for CCA but treated as if they were non-existent simply because they were not outspoken as the rest?
what does it mean to be smart anyway? it helps if you know the game. it helps if you suck-up. It helps if you have a large social circle. It helps if your parents are together. It helps if you're friends with teachers. Most of all, it helps if you are a Sirius Scholar.
does it mean that those with L1R5s of 11 and above do not have the same capabilities as those with L1R5 and below.
isn't it ironic that the school emphasizes so strongly on non-academic achievments but these Sirius scholars are labelled scholars, the cream of the crop and given the best resources - SIMPLY BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVMENTS
your fate would be very very very different if you were a Sirius Scholar
So what if I've attended CCA regularly last year? the message relay system was so screwed up and only some people knew what was going on at all. things like competition opportunites. organising CCA activities were only limited to those few people, the EXCO, and those who were close to the EXCO.
So having been socially disconnected for so long, where do i pick up from?
Can i ever change?
its really a blessing that the new teachers in charge took over, they are really passionate about debates and the whole stupid debates situation is changing slowly like we are getting closer and laughing more which is the way it should be (in an ideal world)
i really want to thank them for all their help
last year the CCA seemed to function on this idea - you join debates because you are damn good at debating
but this year its more on passion - you join debates to get better at debating, because you like debating
and for the upcoming SMU Hammers competition I hope you can just put in your everything - since its your first and last and only competition (do you really want your testimonial to have so little things while the others have theirs peppered and coloured with numerous achievments) just go all out for it and realize your potential.
We could blame the school, blame the teachers- in -charge for not giving a shit about us, blame the coach for being judgemental and only helping the outspoken ones, blame the EXCO for not reaching out to us, blame the seniors for not providing the much needed care and guidance, blame the Sirius scholars for gobbling up the resourcers, blame MOE for kiasu school culture and 'the testimonial concept phenomenon
but it all boils down to our passivity. those people put in real effort to suck up and speak out, to overcome their mental barriers and had good social skills
thats conforming to social norms. that's adhering to the rules of society. if we wanna survive we have to forget our principals and go with the flow
if not we are shit. the bottom of the human pyramid and will stay there forevermore
i am resigned to my fate
on an ending note - here's what one of my juniors said - ' i hate people, but I love individuals'
because people are powerless to the changing societal norms - they are hostages to their identities are resigned to societal norms if they wanna survive but individuals are actually really nice and sentimental and its really nice when we get to interact we indviduals on the personal level and find out that they are not hostages to their identities - we have free will, imagination, morality and principle that differentiaties us.
We have to look beyond the privileges of our own identity to defend the notion that human rights are either universal or they are meaningless ( kouped this quote from a book ahaha i am not so zai)
On another ending note - I like the school more now, things are looking up, academic results are improving, CCA situation improving (getting more involved), talking more to people, new friendships blossoming (although friendships have ended too- do you all not care anymore)
its okay we have not talked for two weeks and counting but i am still surviving and you all are having so much fun and doing things that we never did and would never do together when i was still part of your clique - like taking random photos together so it really wasn't meant to be, should have noticed the foreshadowing elements earlier, the cracks in our friendship
can i get a closure? why do you not want to talk to me anymore? ahahah
no forget that. guess this is the best outcome
we'll just go in parallel directions and not cross each others' lives
i just hope i can resist the temptation to beg you to be my friend again
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)