Another statistic

screwed up and angry and tired and sick of myself and sick of life it takes everything in me not to do end this. i dont know how i am going to go about ending this but all i know i would be so much happier ending it. it would be true happiness. then i think about the suicides. the one that happened 3 years ago in my school and the recent one in NUS and i think, they are just another statistic. to be used in political conferences, to be used in seminars, discussions, debates, in gp essays, another example cited.
and when will i soon be added to that list of statistics? all of us face problems, obstacles, and they say the strongest ones are those who don't give up, and fight all the way.
but you know what? I am tired, so fucking tired, i want to scream and shout and cry and howl but no one's there.
it takes so much courage to give up on yourself and accept what you've become, a failure, a hopeless failure.
instead of living in fantasy and thinking you're going to make it somehow.
when will we stop lying to ourselves?
this is my life. can i decide what i want to do with it? why must everyday of my life be such a mundane task, an onerous responsibility and I have to do what you expect of me or feel bad for the rest of my life. feel guilt, hate myself. why do i owe it to all of you what i do with my life
i don't want to engage in anymore social activities. i can't love myself, i can't love my family. i can't love anyone.
please leave me to my solitude.
let me wallow in self pity.
that's what i do best, so leave me
see, we know the situation before us is so fucking hopeless, and we continue to fight stubbornly, for what? can we ever be courageous enough to end our pathetic lives?
yes, i hope i can. that would be the only right thing i do with my life.
i dont want a job
i dont want an a level certificate
i dont want a family
i dont want my life
but do i have a choice
all these things have been forced upon me, you think i'm so fucking lucky but these things are curses i have to constantly live up to them
and i dont want to, i really dont want to
fuck