i hope you are okay sorry please be okay how can i help you can i go and help you i know i am superficial and like a surface area instead of the internal volume and you are always there to write post its for me and letters and notes which is heartfelt anf thoughtful and i am always the person receiving it and keeping it and not doing anything in return sorry please you were always there when i was like depressed and stuff like that and was always so nice to me when i do not deserve it i am like a leech a harmful leech or a gold digger how and i have not been talking to you or walking away each time and drifting away how do i go to you before the exams you were there to cheer me on with your smses but here i am doing nothing while you are in pain i always thought i was the pathetic one and now i realise that no i am blessed to have you here and listen to me and read this bull shit of mine and care about the shit that i say i should disappear away and never appear please please be okay i want to call you and talk properly to you but i am in no position to do that i am only a superficial bastard here that is a fake human being what can i say what can i do i am sorry

Yesterday while at kfc. I was listening to music while studying then this like very gossipy guy came in and sat opposite his partner. They began talking loudly thus me over hearing was inevitable. The guy said, I used photoshop to remove all her moles and pimples. Since you are my best friend I let you read the letter. (Love letter that he was intending to give his girlfriend on v day. ) Ok then he read the letter out loud and this is what it said. Are the photos nice. I photoshopped your pimples. Yeah then his friend told him. If I got alot of pimples and someone use photoshop to remove them and then give me the photo I will be damn offended. Hahaha. So the guy correction taped the first part of the letter away. Then they went on to talk about brown cats and physics ten year series. They were j2 I think cause they were doing physics tys november 2009, current electricity. Anyway because it was freaking funny I laughed and immediately smsed people to tell them of this best v day present ever and also as an early april fool joke. Then the guy. The very gossipy guy who keeps talking suddenly said eh I just realised. That girl there hor..(then if lowered his voice testing me see if I would turn around. But I was very shocked and scared they would whack me. Yeah so I concentrated at the wall. Then he said again. Listening to music hor. Crazy lah who was the one talking so loudly har. Yah so. Then today. Fucking valentine day. I met a screwed up auntie. She was quite old although she still had black hair. Yah then she got in the train bu city hall. It was packed so got no seats. Nobody give up their seats. But when the train got to the second stop got people alight. So she got seat to sit right. She couldnt even stand stable lah. Then she still dont want sit you know keep asking the woman beside her to sit. Keep nagging at her to sit. Sit sit sit. They two keep saying. So the woman got no choice but to sit. The old auntie keep saying I few stops only never mind one. Please lor. Six stops is a few meh. She got off at bedok. Whats up with her man she want other busybody to take photo of her and stomp her as poor thing then the other people sitting down as ugly singaporeans is it. If she fall down how. The people sitting down will be like unforgiveable sinners right. She is so perverse. Okay then I using phone and walking down the stairs after alight from the train. Got one bitch and one bastard behind me who dont look like human being at all lah. Keep scolding me in chinese. Why she walk so slow cannot go down then sms is it. I was walking at an average pace okay fuckers. Not like you are olympic staircase climbers right. Then I look at then they immediately shut up dont dare talk. Nehmind they are vulgar fuckheads probably going to rot in jail soon. I wish I had some contagious disease so I can spit on then and contaminate then so they willdisappear from the face of this planet and the world Will be happy again. Should I wear black clothes and have multiple tattoos so they will shut the fuck up and run away when they see me.

Today is the first time I am wearing my friend's school blouse home. Wah cool. Happy birthday Megan. Anyway. During chinese new year I went to like four relatives house. And my father was not there to give out angpows so I was recognised as the person who went visiting to earn angpows. Well fuck that. Anyway. Got scolded by my grandmothers sister on chu yi okay. She say you come here take angpow is it. Was very very tempted to say that when you die I will burn these money for you. But being the kind hearted ij girl that I am I put up with her as her days are numbered. She has this daughter, fucking proud also, who thinks she is royalty just because she has fucked a french man. Thats disgusting right? To the max. She has this blonde haired daughter who can speak canto teochew chinese english and french. The daughter is quite pretty, I guess she couldnt believe such a sweet little girl could come out of her french fucked vagina. And she didnt give me an angpow. Although I am not close to her she still grew up with my father right. Then she was like blabbering some very very poor french that sounded like pig language because she resembles one. I really dislike her. I shall give birth on the moon. So that my baby will be worshipped as the moon god. Her god mother shall be chang e. Then my descendants shall be a precious species. Crazy who the fuck does she think she is man. At my grandfather's funeral she brought the french man to show off. And people swarmed around her as if she were some celebrity. A celebrity is someone who can give birth on the moon lah please. Mad can. No respect for my grandfather. Anyway I will bring my moon baby to visit people on chinese new year. The french baby will sale in comparison. Har hahr. Obviously right. The moon baby will shine the light on mankind.

i realise that i am still like that. after so many days and months. i am like that. my familee is like that. we are still like that. nothing changes. i still fail. even my organs fail me. i have peed 12 times yesterday. i have kidney failure. sometimes i ask myself. why am i hungry, or where am i. my brain is failing me. now even my belongings mock me. they leave me here. i have nothing no one to talk to. i am speaking with myself. is this funny? is this normal? and i do not use facebook as much anymore because i have come to realise that not many people give a shit about me. it is all about the surface area, not about the volume anymore. it is the outside that matters. is anyone going to give a shit about how nice your eyes look when you have a hooked nose? no the focus will be on the hooked nose and not the eyes. never the eyes.
another thing that devastates me is that this person did not wish me happy birthday on my birthday. it feels that i no longer exist. that i am ignored. i am tiny. i am not even an air molecule i am not even O2. you would feel air being taken away if it was not there. air is important. though it is small and invisible. but i am not. so what am i? i cannot be compared to anything. there is no basis for comparison. i am nothing. no thing. get it. and back to the devastating topic of the birthday. i was born on that day but it was not commemorated. although i made it a point to wish the other party's birthday and commemorated it the person did not wish me on my special day. perhaps i am not special. yup. i am not. i am an animal. are animals special? some are. but rare ones only. am i a rare animal? i am not. there is excess of me. there is overpopulation of human beings. well. this person did not wish me but i did wish him. it is like donating fifty dollars to this brainy beggar for him to set up a shop. and soon he is bloody rich and is earning shit loads of money and went even give you one dollar even though you are dying of starvation and have no clothes to wear. look at this cruel world. i know that i should probably shut up and go back to studying shit. but i cannot. perhaps i have no more future. i have no one. i have once sat on my own for 2 days without talking to any human being or used any electronic device. what i did was to date myself. i showered love upon myself and talked to myself. i ate with myself. i bathed with myself. i even wrote a monologue with myself. arent i cool? i am practising for a lonely future because no one wants to marry me. i am desperate. for love. happy. that is me. me is me. me is i. me is myself. i me and myself. i have a happy familee. i am happy.
so what?
what is human behaviour except trying to prove that we are not animals.
this is a repetition of life. nothing is going to change.
my mother likes to praise herself in front of me. i am despised. despicable. despicable me! i shall not talk to her. i shall say what i want to say to her, to myself instead. because i am important in my eyes.
and if ever i can be reincarnated. i want to be your lung, so we can breathe as one and so that you cannot live without me.
i must be mad. i am.
indeed!
and lastly. i wish that you would start talking to me again.
one day i will buy a diy death kit.
if only.
i hate going to tuition. i get scowled at and mocked. i hate.
i would stay in the safety of my own home with myself because i <3 me and me <3 i and i <3 myself.
do you believe that you love this person now. when you are 15 years old would you still love this person when you are 25 years old.
but then so many people say that people marry at a young age have a higher tendency to divorce. so people should marry at a ripe old age? so that before they can divorce they are dead? they die as a couple!
yes i am immatured. i talk immatured i think immatured. i can never understand you. is it?
i have died internally.
obviously i am no longer sane.
i am a threat to national security.
please, isolate me!

dont leave me like this.

'look at it this way - say there's a snake out in the desert, and the snake eats a rat. Its the food chain, and so its no big deal. God isn't involved. And then say you're in Africa and a lion eats a gazelle or something. Same thing: food chain; God's not there either. But then say that same lion one week later kills a human being and then eats that human being. What - suddenly God's involved in it? - like we're the only divine link in the food chain or something?'

shit i dont know. am i a very hypocritical thing or something?
does God love pigs and chickens? why is it okay to kill chickens for food and trade chickens but not trade human beings. why are humans not food?
then i experience this bad thing, lets say in school. then i go home and home is better. so God is blessing me? i have a good thing here and then a bad thing there. so it is balanced.
however going to church is good because i learn to become a better human being.
did God come to Singapore?
if he love us why got people commit suicide and screw up.
is it cause they never go to church?

but i am blessed. is it by God? do you hate me for talking like this? i might get killed cause i talk shit with no conscience. i am just a fuck up.
i have many sweet and nice people who care alot about me and celebrate my birthday four freaking times.
am i slime in God's eyes?

thank you

hello, something great has happened to me.

am eternally grateful and happy to be living in a loving environment engulfed in love care and concerns.

Thank you very much <3
to everyone who wished me happy birthday and sang the song for me.
i cannot accept this overwhelming kindness.
was in school and having math lesson which was the last perod of the day. and then vernice and xiaoyou and shirlene kept asking me to sleep.
'you are very tired sleep now'
'madam lee not teaching already faster sleep!'
'you want to trick me right! '
'no no i sleep with you okay then if you get tircked i also get tricked '
haha. so cute right.
but i did not sleep, then grace and shirlene went up to put on the visualizer, 'sing birthday song to claudia now to wake her up' (although shes not sleeping)
omg freaking nice. i do not know what to say to this suffocating love
then they singed for me
THANK YOU VERY MUCH 3/4 wisdom <3
i have the bestest class in the history of chij saint nicholas girls school.
am very blessed to have birthday celebrated so many times with so many awesome people.
thank you very very much for bestowing such grace and love to me.
and lokyan maryanne and melissa (: thanks for the surprise.
and to my lifegroup nea1 <3
thanks alot for doing so much for me although i do not deserve it. planning the birthday celebration and going all out to make it a surprise and affirming us.
thank you to everyone who has lifted me from the depths of despair to the heights of giddy ecstasy.
and encouraging me on from my depressed state to where i am now.
thank you.
shit, perhaps the words i used to thank is highly inappropriate. sorry. i want to thank everybody who has helped me so much and encouraging me everytime i talk rubbish like i want to die et cetera
okay i must say thank you
yinsiang! thanks so so so much for your cards and note and letters and comfort and everything. since last year until now you keep encouraging me on and help me. i didnt even do anything for you ): get well soon okay. <3
andrea! thanks for helping me in chemistry and math and your notes and cards. and the pink book! telling me alot of nice and encouraging things. thank you very very much. i wont say fark anymore the slippers really very nice <3
thank you for the cards and gifts and songs and wishes.

I'm alive but so what

Hiiex. lets try this
I'll give you a crisp, new thousand dollar note if you just give me a phone call and put me out of my misery.