我不是乞丐

though i will be,soon.
i need to organise my life and break away from this vicious cycle. the only reason why i came back to this fuck hole was for my piano ( which she calls 'hers' as well because she paid for the space and electricity and tuning )  and nothing else. i do not have anymore emotional attachments to the room that she claims she 'paid 500 dollars for so she has all the rights to it - including full control over my things including sleeping there when i am studying including putting her stuff in a mess over the floor. ' what else, i hate her existence in my life i absolutely detest it and i am determined not to feel anymore emotional attachments towards this woman. because i am just going to be pissed and annoyed and self - piteous over the shit she creates. although being sad is easy so i am just going to remain this way so no one can burst my happy bubble because i simply do not have one. i only have a sad stone. a sad rock. i live in a sad hard outer covering so it is hard for people to destroy it. right now what i really want is to laugh in the face of adversity and write painfully funny things about my life so it will be so funny and i can be so happy and people will be happy and laughing as they read this which is probably not going to happy because i only moan and groan and let out mental diarrhea here. and the language people adapt from the english language is so funny , like ' where is you be' 'i haz no friends' ' indild, a secret, come share with us " ( this is a quote from my sec 4 classmate ) and she adds 'l's to the and of words because that's what miss yee used to do. it is so cute and original and st nicks-y and i miss it so much
OK. back to begging. begging Miss Havisha, which will get Pip nowhere, nowhere but more moral degeneration and more life of crime and punishment and disillusionment and no pretty Estella and kind Biddy and fatherly Joe Gargery. which means pip remains single for the rest of his life and probably lives in a pathetic cottage in deserted part of London and is a sore loser, social outcast who eats his meals alone and probably spends his time moaning and groaning about how pathetic he is and not go out to ntuc to buy necessities because he can't be bothered anymore and what's the point anyway? he will never be part of the aristocracy, and he doesnt fit into lower class anymore. he is nowhere. he is a drifter. he is a loner. he stands alone. a single species of his own.
OK. My life, and my reading of Great Expectations, and my studying of it, foreshadows my future as well. my life parallels that of Pip's! where is my Abel Magwitch please come out now
while stalking people's blogs i chanced upon this good book:
Georges Bataille  - Story of the Eye
I am going to read it. highly recommended book!
so now i am very angry at the world and i hate everyone.
today i went out with S, XH and E . we had a happy time and was laughing at a saleslady testing out the slimming equipment - which requires her to stand on a vibrating platform thingy and vibrate for a while so we saw her with her arm fastened on her hip while she vibrated for all to see and we laughed and laughed although E didnt talk much which is sad
then we went home and E left without me perhaps i do not fit into his social class. the events in Great Expectations are unfolding one by one in my life how creepy is that
dont want to do anything because i am emo and angry and sad i dont know what to do to repay the people who are nice to me because there are so many people who are bad to me so it kind of balances everything out. this is the natural order of the universe and i should not do anything to disrupt it's course so will continue hating things as they are

The Mother Fucker

i have a fucker for a mother. i have a fucker mother.
the first thing she says when i come home is 'pig you are an oily fat pig useless doing nothing only know how to eat. seriously what the shit? what a high level of intelligence and extensive vocabulary use.  i hate her. and because i hate her i hate my grandmother to, because my grandmother has conceived evil, and this evil is taking control of my life. i just said stop calling me a pig shut up. go and die. and she's like i dont give you money anymore. ya ya whatever, i'll make it known to as many people as possible. the authorities hopefully. that you are denying my relationship with you. fuck you bitch. seriously why is my mother like that? FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I FEEL THIS BURNING HATRED INSIDE AND I WANT TO SHRED HER AND EAT HER HEART AND PLUCK HER EYEBROWS ( SINCE SHE LIKES EYEBROW THREADING SO MUCH ) AND DEVOUR HER LIKE A CANNIBAL.
like. when people say they wont go overseas for their jobs if they have a choice because they will be homesick, i wanna be like them so much coz they have such a close family. that loves each other and support each other and not threatening and condemning and pushing the blame here and there like in this fuckmily that i have.keep using money to threaten me ya, i will very no face when i got no pocket money to eat in school. and i will be even more no face when i ask my aunt and cousins for money. so i will not ok? i will find other means dammit. this is all because of this shit upbringing you give me yeo swee leng. your name has an "unlucky" connotation to it. like sway. sway leng. just one letter difference. this is why you are unlucky. sucks to be you.
she doesnt even care that i am working this part time job while studying for fucking a levels and dealing with all this emotional trauma shit and the fucking teachers of pioneer junior college. ( yes one of them a Mr Lee i think who looks a lot like he's balding, and has a big fat pot belly from pigging out and alcohol bingeing. yes he marked us all lte at 7.44 am. when the school rules in the handbook clearly says. mark attendence between 7.45 and 7.48 am. so when he asked people 'why were you late today' i really wanted to say ' BECAUSE  YOU MARKED ME LATE DUH. to put it in crude terms, because a fucked- up, balding male teachers who clearly achieves sadistic satisfaction from destroying students' lives marked me late. ) yes apart from all this shit i go through at pioneer fucking junior fucking college.i have to be insulted here. by a mother.
why did i turn out like that? thanks mum. thanks a million!!!
so like. many teenage girls are having underage sex. i can get something out of it. can make a living. would this yeo swee leng bitch give a shit about me? nope.
i hate my upbringing. no character development, or counselliing from friends/teachers/counsellors/psychiatrist can help me. obiquek me.

fuck mother's day

yeah seriously fuck mothers day. she has been nothing but a bitch for a very long time. like since i was secondary one. she is a bitch. coz i failed a few exams then she kept putting me down so i continued failing. happy? if not i can go other school and not be stuck in shitty pioneer. okay so my piano like damn out of tune so i went to call the tuner myself coz the bitch wont help me. ok fine i do myself. i even say i will pay myself coz she keep denying our mother- daughter relationship. everytime she scolds me.with this rude voice. seriously fucked up woman i hate her to the core.  so she says i have to be present during the tuning. so i have to fucking fly like a mad woman from CCK TO HOUGANG. after school on friday. then i late. then i got scolded by my aunt. very good serves me right. then now. the tuner must come again to do second servicing. and they only can come on friday. so i have to rush like siao again for the second time. but neh mind i accept fate so i agreed. then today they called and said they CAN MAKE IT TOMORROW WHICH IS A SATURDAY. so i agreed coz weekends no school what. ok wait digress a bit. when one day i went for piano lesson the piano teacher keeps telling me 'girl go back and see your mum she loves you a lot' oh fuck seriously? what a joke. then i told her that the mum sucks she dun wan to give me money and denies our blood ties and i told her how the mum abused me. and gave me scars all over. so the piano teacher very nice and conducted the process of foreign intervention - she called the mum and told the mum i got no money. so obviously the mum must act nice if not i will continue to expose her crimes to the piano teacher and her loving caring maternal image she has so painstakingly painted for herself will be ruined! so she agreed to gimme money but that was after many sarcastic remarks in bad grammer and vocabulary like ' i am atm ah. you need money come find me then take money already you disappear. seriously? yup sure i can APPARATE. bitch. okay so she agreed do fufil her duties finally. good. THEN. today the piano tuning call again and say they can make it tomorrow at 10am. so i agreed. SO THAT I DUN NEED RUSH LIKE CRAZY. then at night i call the mum. coz she never give me money to upgrade my shit phone. or pay handphone bills for that matter. first i ask her what time to meet. she was like. where you want nex or parkway. so i said nex coz i love sengkang area there. then she say i will be at parkway. nex is at afternoon i dunno what time they close. okay so whats the point of giving me an option in the first place. fuck you. then she say she 7am need SET OFF. as if she going on some adventure. but its just to piano lesson for my sister. damn lame, want act cool sound stupid only can. then i said but the tuner coming at 10am. then she said. WHY YOU ANYHOW GO CHANGE THEY TOLD ME THEY WILL COME ON FRIDAY.!!! fuck she was the one who told me to be responsible and must be there when they come what. I GOT NO MONEY PAY THEM YOU THINK THEY WILL COME FOR FREE ONE IS IT. so i told her she can pay through internet. then she said HOW YOU KNOW CAN PAY THROUGH INTERNET. hahah joke right. then i reply coz you last time paid through internet what ( so why cant she do it now ) then she said. "ALL THIS MONEY THING YOU NEVER TELL ME ( fuck i'm telling her now as soon as i can right ) I WILL PRETEND NOT TO HEAR. then porm the phoneline went dead. CRAZY BITCH. i hate her now i have to be a beggar just because she gives me money. why cant it be the other way round . me plastering dollar notes on her face.
okay back to mother's day. some mothers are very nice. like my gugu here. she is very nice to everyone. she will cook dinner for me and wash my uniform and help me iron and will keep asking me if i eat already or not. and my popo. who buy handphone for me and cook nice food for me and joke with me and scold my mother when she becomes a beast ( which is every single fucking day ) another mother who is very nice is mdm lee. my sec 3 and sec 4 math teacher. she got 3 daughters but also like 40 daughters which is the whole 4 wisdom. and she always so friendly with us and encourage me to study math and teach me like one to one. after school and like want to buy food for me. i feel emotionally attached to her. i love mdm lee. so i must do her proud by doing well for math now. then i will call her like 2 years later with lokyan coz we two always fail math and pon remedials. then we will tell her we have become successful women thanks to her teaching and her love for us. coz lokyan will do very well at accounting and we will go back st nicks and be math teachers.
got so many mothers that are nice.why my mother like that. my blood mother. she is horrible. not gonna do anything for her. dont want to see her face. she always scold me and say i waste money but she can spend $105 to do eyebrow threading what the barfing fuck. and her reason is coz she need go work and the impression she gives ( in terms of fashion??!! ) will earn her brownie points with the bosses. what sick and twisted logic.

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protection yourself from happiness.

                                                                                                  -Jonathan Safran Foer

I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.
                                                                                                  -Jonathan Safran Foer

Seriously what's wrong with wastage of breast milk. eeyer why flame my idea until like that. you idea about wastage of oil very good meh. i have a plan that will benefit society the most! says you with a self-satisfied grin. you know the price of oil is increasing because people keep trading and marking up the prices? i have a plan that will save us all from the oil inflation! my plan is to go to the centre and tell the people to stop trading the oil! then electricity prices will go dowm fuel prices will go down, car prices will go down! what a brillante plan!."okay then who's your target group?" "the whole world la basically" says you again.what in the barfing fuck --

=.=

then you flame breastmilk. without breastmilk you wouldnt even be alive let alone be thinking about great plans like saving the world from inflation of oil

please do not think of me as a petty stubborn egoistic person because if you know me, i am generally a very smiley person, always compromisng my interests for others. it is only in extreme situations such as these that calls for extreme measures to be put in place.

i hate school. sucks shit. dont want to go to school tomorrow. oh The Great one, my deepest apologies in interfering with your divine plans. i am not very good at praying but could you please please please add a something to my  life. cause this person to fall in love with me and all will be well we will support each other in times of need and help others in times of joy. we will share our joy with the disadvantaged. ( e.g we will donate to needy causes like funding of the breastmilk bank for smarter babies for Singapore when we get married ) and i will donate 10% or more of my salary to St Nicholas Girls School and Rivervale Primary School. So dear Lord above will you bring my beloved and me together? please please plist Lord. it was destiny that we met but why not destiny to lead us to a blissful union?

Make haste, therefore, sweet love, whilst it is prime;
For none can call again the passed time.

Valentine's day poems

"While i wooed, playing Bach was a tatic,
Causing orgasms intergalatic.
But when Beethoven played,
I never got laid;
Ludwig's music was anti-climatic"

"Excitable mathematicians
fuck in only prime numbered positions.
For the factor while screwing,
Would so heighten their wooing
As to cause premature sperm emissions"

"Demosthenes mastered motion
Through the ancient Greek art of fellation,
As he tried to emote
With that cock down his throat
He improved his syllabification"

"Said Pinocchio's lover, midst sighs,
My puppet's technique takes the prize.
He gives me full measure
Through dishonest pleasure.
I sit on his face and he lies"

a leap of faith

will you take a leap of faith towards me