ok, i just finish camp ): shall post about it coz everyone is talking about it.my group name call HERMES. prononced HER MESS. haha. then i got 3 other facils also.marcus emillio cherry. omg the kids super vulgar. they know how to use lj and ask cherry and milo to kiss. so right its at jalan bahtera with all the bats and mosquitoes etc. and then it rained like shit, so i was vv wet alone and dieing. and its so fucky coz the poor children didnt even get to play the high elements lah pls. the reflections asked, what did you learn/feel? he said. i didnt feel anything because i didnt try anything. so poor thing right ): like they were putting on the harness and everything then the instructor say ok you need to take them off now. SO BAD. walao where got this kind of thing right. then they play water bombs. waste plastic bags ): ok anyway the campfire quite nice, we sing a world cup song i just found out. like on youtube. then finished at 9.30, eat macs, go home.
i feel so left out and lonely lah. so inferior. like coz i cannot talk to kids one. they dont like me. PHAILURE oks ):
so lonely. then it rained in the middle of the night then i woke up and realized i was sleeping alone ): IN THE STORM.
walao. so lonely. i hate it manz. i feel like some retard there. like a pathetic retard who does not belong at anywhere.

so many people can live without me.
so many people will still live even i die.
does it already show how unimportant i am in other people lives.
but i cannot live without them ok.
cannot.
so they leave me then i die.
i die emotionally.
like die already.
like no more soul.
like that.
i cannot take it anymore

i cannot live properly.
fuck my life. screw it. i hate myself, more than you hate me more than anyone can hate me. do you think i like like this. i hate it. i hate living a life like that.
do you know that nobody loves me. do you know i am a pathetic useless piece of shit who deserves nothing.
i have no friends correct. i have nobody. nothing correct.
fuck. i got no one to talk to.
why do i still bother to go and socialize. to like go and talk to people. coz i suck. i want people to notice me. to notice that i exist.
why am i like that. why. is not like i want to be right. i cannot have feelings anymore you know that. i am so sick of this fuck. nobody gives a shit about me. becoz. i. was. not. in. anyones. world. in. the. first. place.
i have a own planet how cool. i talk to myself and the people i make up.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i feel so stupid.
i was nothing since the start.
how can nothing become something.
nothing is still nothing.
everybody is busy studying.
what the heck i am doing.
i cannot get anything into my fucking brain.
fuck.
i dont want to go school.
i hate it when people keep saying they will help me they are my friends.
then why is my life still like that.
believe in god.
more like fantasies.
how many fucking times have i tried to pass a fucking math test.
how many fucking times have i tried to give in.
how many fucking times have i begged.
how many.
its not like asking alot.
fuck fine lets go compare with africa and madagascar.
oh i live a fucking luxurious life i got internet i got phone i got school to go to i should be so fucking blessed.
yeah okay. why dont you just take my place and try.
since you think i am so fucking blessed.
i am being left alone to die in the dark.
and i have so many people who love me alot.

doesnt anybody love me.

i am a wasted screwed up sack of shit.
there is not direction whatsoever in my life.
but i know that.
IT IS EITHER I COMMIT SUICIDE NOW OR START LIVING MY LIFE PROPERLY.
comminting suicide sounds so musch more better. then i can go to heaven. because i cant go to hell as i am already living in hell now.
I have so many many shit to do. I NEED TO DO A GLOG. its a weather blog. A WEATHER BLOG. and i got koushi shit to do. so many shit.
fml okay.
and i hate it. i hate people talk to me then stop talking to me. like so superficial. i dont like. i miss it so fucking terribly.
it breaks my heart. and i keep thinking oh shit what have i done. what did i say that they dont want talk to me. and i want to crawl into a hole and die.
nobody loves me.

I HATE YOU. YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER. FUCK YOU.
FUCK IT YOU SCREWED MY LIFE AND NOW I AM SCREWING IT EVEN MORE HARHARHAR.
YOU WANNA SEE WHO SCREW IT UP MORE.
COZ ITLL BE ME. I WILL BE THE ONE WHO SCREWED MY LIFE THE MOST TYVM. I WIN. WO YING LE.
do you know how much i want to die because of you. because of you. what you have done. what you have done that made me do what i did. and now it is too late to correct the mistakes to right the wrongs. and i want to die so badly and i cannot concentrate on whatever shit i have to do now you know. you know. you know. you know.
coz you come then you give a shit about me then you go then you come and take away every single thing i have. i am just a empty piece of shit now. i have no feelings anymore. i have nothing. NOTHING AT ALL.

i am going to die of sadness. of sorrow. of rejection. of crushed hopes and shattered dreams. of hurt. of pain. of poverty. of inferiority. of stoopitdity. of loneliness. of solitude. of emptyness. of fear. (oh yeah f words are disgusting ok. like fear, fact, false hope and failure. )
is all the on top not enough to kill a thing alive of dieded.

i wish i was dead.

can you please talk to me. please.