Been thinking a lot about this question, back when i entered jc in 2012 - the gp lessons i had were so insightful and classmates who discussed so enthusiastically with me.
now that i have more free time, i'm going to read up on this. but for now, i still think these two values are mutually exclusive. i cannot accept. i am a sanctimonious prude.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
I regret everything
Looking at the horrendous photos of my prom i just wanna crawl into a hole and curl up and die
i really really really really shouldn't have worn such a tight short dress but something simpler instead wtf is my problem. looking at my other sn friends' prom photos they all looked so elegant and decent and grand, unlike me. i really really shouldn't have worn such thick makeup at $30.00 (WTF??!) and just gone for something much much much simpler like my sec 4 prom which lokyan did the makeup and hair for me. and i haven't seen her for so long.
look at me complaining and complaining ok i must stop going against my principles. stop it. STOP IT
'Because life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look AWESOME on facebook'
on a brighter note I'm attending this talk/discussion by Empowering Singaporeans 'For a Better Education System' at bras basah complex from 2pm-5pm tomorrow checked the 'going' list on facebook and the profile pages of the attendees and their posts were mostly thoughts about social inequality, rising costs of living etc. etc
OK SEE HOW IT GOES BUT I AM DAMN EXCITED FOR IT
it really is consolation if people share similar sentiments as i do
i really really really really shouldn't have worn such a tight short dress but something simpler instead wtf is my problem. looking at my other sn friends' prom photos they all looked so elegant and decent and grand, unlike me. i really really shouldn't have worn such thick makeup at $30.00 (WTF??!) and just gone for something much much much simpler like my sec 4 prom which lokyan did the makeup and hair for me. and i haven't seen her for so long.
look at me complaining and complaining ok i must stop going against my principles. stop it. STOP IT
'Because life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look AWESOME on facebook'
- so so so apt
on a brighter note I'm attending this talk/discussion by Empowering Singaporeans 'For a Better Education System' at bras basah complex from 2pm-5pm tomorrow checked the 'going' list on facebook and the profile pages of the attendees and their posts were mostly thoughts about social inequality, rising costs of living etc. etc
OK SEE HOW IT GOES BUT I AM DAMN EXCITED FOR IT
it really is consolation if people share similar sentiments as i do
Thursday, December 5, 2013
$99.90 + $85.00
Since almost every single fucking thing in this world is represented in monetary value yup that's the fucking cost of my so-called prom night. OK pardon the vulgar language i had a bad night it was really a disappointment. (not considering the cost invested that did not receive a similar rebate wtf am i talking my english is really gross) OK I MEAN like the money paid for the whole night was totally not worth it.
Firstly more than half my class was not there. (off to a bad start) and i didn't like the fact that we had to make up tables. like we had to find people to make up one table. I mean ok that's more convenient and cost-effective but there's no sense of community. Why can't they allocate tables according to classes? since the class itself is the main emphasis of this whole prom fuss. seriously prom is overrated crap.
let me explain in point form.
1) Half of the class not at prom - dilutes the purpose of the prom in the first place.
2) The emcees were celebrities - unsuitable to host prom, waste of money to hire them in the first place to make sexually derogatory jokes about women - sick humour as a form of entertainment =.= wao (' hey, what's the difference between iron man and iron woman? - one is a super hero the other is a simple instruction ) wow wtf. then. ( 'eh all the selfies pro, take pictures very pretty but in real life ugly)
3) Clubbing music played throughout the dinner - totally unrelated to the emotional gravity of graduation cannot eat in peace -
4) Kopitiam food served at 7x the price & it was cold
5) Missed out one course of the 8-course dinner promised
6) A beauty and popularity pageant - highlight of the prom - totally unnecessary, increases physical insecurities in males and females from a young age - increases the social construct of superficiality
7) Tiny ballroom - really seriously fucking tiny - if it is going to be so tiny, why are they charging us so much? Swissotel is in the CBD area as well - same price but so much bigger.
8) Waiters and waitresses who kept asking to clear our food even before we had the chance to finish eating (cold food)
9) The gross amount of money spent on this and the fact that this is socially acceptable and also praised by my teachers and principal
10) The video montage - which should be the main highlight of prom was fucking short
11) Many teachers did not turn up - teachers who were really important in educating and inspiring the JC journey ( i really miss the English H.O.D Mr Ivan Lim, geog teachers Mdm Selvi and Mr Osman, Mdm Chew but they were all not there)
12) Nothing really meaningful - no singing of the school song, reading of the school pledge, things that truly fostered school spirit were not done
and moving on to more personal reasons:
13) I had to wear heels and a dress even though i did not want to, i wanted to wear my school uniform/really casual clothes just to make a statement/satire on the social perception of the dress code
14) I looked and felt like a prostitute because i wore a body hugging dress - like wtf was i trying to do wtf is wrong with me i think i wanted to look sexy because from the pretty pictures i see on social media girls were able to pull that look off so i tried to copy that but i turned out so badly sexy, a pathetic failure
15) It was a mad rush to take photos with various groups (CCA, class, oversease immersion friends,, Matriculation group) and the people i was not so close to but still desperately wanted to take a photo with to remember my JC life why do i bother doing that, does it really mean anything?
16) I felt so self-concious and inferior to the males and females with their elaborate hairdos and outfits which the emcees constantly reminded us of
17) They made us leave at around 10.50pm and we had to crowd in that small space outside just to take pictures becoz we had to seize the chance to preserve the only moment we ever look good and so as to not let tens of our parents' hard earned money on the elaborate hairdos and outfits go to waste i really didn't want to be in any pictures with the various cliques i was not close to but i did anyway. i smiled for them anyway. because what else could a person like me do?
So what could be done better?
In my emotionally subjective opinion, i propose a few suggestions:
1) Let the emcees be our teachers. No one understands the school culture and the graduating cohort better than the teachers. and their antics are what makes school life enjoyable. i really miss Mr Barry's fatherly aura, Miss Yap's sassy-ness and wit, Mr Osman's lame jokes about his hair Mr Ivan Lim's I-bra etc etc. and I'm fucking sure the rest of the students do too. so why don't why spend the money on hiring emcees (who make crude sexual-innuendo-ed remarks) to hire the teachers instead? and their tickets could be paid with the fund used on the celebrity emcees who knew zilch about our school culture
2) Replace the stupid beauty pageant that just emphasizes bodily insecurities and builds people's egos and materialistic personalities with class performances/more video montages.
3) Don't even hold the prom at such an expensive and tiny ballroom. We could have it in school - unique and absolutely apt since it was on that very school compound where precious relationships were forged - and more affordable, and reasonable since most of us do not have an income and thus there would be a higher turn up rate if it were held in school. and we wouldn't be cleared out so quickly before we got the chance to take enough pictures/finish our food. (omg so angry about this i can't even) and in school we can go home at whatever time we like since we own it. we could even have the after party there, such a homely and cosy feeling that would probably be less felt in the corporate world
4) Sing the school song/ recite the school pledge together as a cohort - symbolic and united school spirit
- TBC i feel fucked up now and need to fufill social roles as a sister, friend, niece cousin student resident singapore citizen global citizen and whatever shit this world expects
I know i am being very idealistic and extreme, but this is what i truly feel. If anyone from PJC/principal is reading this i hope you can organise a better prom ( i hate this euphemism why can't they just say graduation) next year. and yup, if you have any thoughts about this, leave me a message through facebook/whatsapp or where ever
and if my vice principal sees this i hope this is not too vulgar and rude and offensive if it is i will express my thoughts in more euphemistic language. sorry for the rude posts last time. and thank you for giving me cold hard advice. i remember what you said about education, 'it is not merely about your academics, i know you are doing ok but this is about your emotional well-being if we cannot teach you the proper values then we have failed as educators'
or something along those lines.
thank you, it is hard but i will try to be a better citizen and i know i am extremely lucky to enjoy such good social welfare and subsidies for my education from tax payers' money
so yup, although i feel ambivalent about graduating like that I am thankful and blessed by the experience and especially my cousin and aunt who have talked to me about proper values, helping me to adapt to a new environment thank you very much.
and now i miss st nicks so so so much, i just want to go home. quoting Michael Buble's song,
' i wanna go home'
Firstly more than half my class was not there. (off to a bad start) and i didn't like the fact that we had to make up tables. like we had to find people to make up one table. I mean ok that's more convenient and cost-effective but there's no sense of community. Why can't they allocate tables according to classes? since the class itself is the main emphasis of this whole prom fuss. seriously prom is overrated crap.
let me explain in point form.
1) Half of the class not at prom - dilutes the purpose of the prom in the first place.
2) The emcees were celebrities - unsuitable to host prom, waste of money to hire them in the first place to make sexually derogatory jokes about women - sick humour as a form of entertainment =.= wao (' hey, what's the difference between iron man and iron woman? - one is a super hero the other is a simple instruction ) wow wtf. then. ( 'eh all the selfies pro, take pictures very pretty but in real life ugly)
3) Clubbing music played throughout the dinner - totally unrelated to the emotional gravity of graduation cannot eat in peace -
4) Kopitiam food served at 7x the price & it was cold
5) Missed out one course of the 8-course dinner promised
6) A beauty and popularity pageant - highlight of the prom - totally unnecessary, increases physical insecurities in males and females from a young age - increases the social construct of superficiality
7) Tiny ballroom - really seriously fucking tiny - if it is going to be so tiny, why are they charging us so much? Swissotel is in the CBD area as well - same price but so much bigger.
8) Waiters and waitresses who kept asking to clear our food even before we had the chance to finish eating (cold food)
9) The gross amount of money spent on this and the fact that this is socially acceptable and also praised by my teachers and principal
10) The video montage - which should be the main highlight of prom was fucking short
11) Many teachers did not turn up - teachers who were really important in educating and inspiring the JC journey ( i really miss the English H.O.D Mr Ivan Lim, geog teachers Mdm Selvi and Mr Osman, Mdm Chew but they were all not there)
12) Nothing really meaningful - no singing of the school song, reading of the school pledge, things that truly fostered school spirit were not done
and moving on to more personal reasons:
13) I had to wear heels and a dress even though i did not want to, i wanted to wear my school uniform/really casual clothes just to make a statement/satire on the social perception of the dress code
14) I looked and felt like a prostitute because i wore a body hugging dress - like wtf was i trying to do wtf is wrong with me i think i wanted to look sexy because from the pretty pictures i see on social media girls were able to pull that look off so i tried to copy that but i turned out so badly sexy, a pathetic failure
15) It was a mad rush to take photos with various groups (CCA, class, oversease immersion friends,, Matriculation group) and the people i was not so close to but still desperately wanted to take a photo with to remember my JC life why do i bother doing that, does it really mean anything?
16) I felt so self-concious and inferior to the males and females with their elaborate hairdos and outfits which the emcees constantly reminded us of
17) They made us leave at around 10.50pm and we had to crowd in that small space outside just to take pictures becoz we had to seize the chance to preserve the only moment we ever look good and so as to not let tens of our parents' hard earned money on the elaborate hairdos and outfits go to waste i really didn't want to be in any pictures with the various cliques i was not close to but i did anyway. i smiled for them anyway. because what else could a person like me do?
So what could be done better?
In my emotionally subjective opinion, i propose a few suggestions:
1) Let the emcees be our teachers. No one understands the school culture and the graduating cohort better than the teachers. and their antics are what makes school life enjoyable. i really miss Mr Barry's fatherly aura, Miss Yap's sassy-ness and wit, Mr Osman's lame jokes about his hair Mr Ivan Lim's I-bra etc etc. and I'm fucking sure the rest of the students do too. so why don't why spend the money on hiring emcees (who make crude sexual-innuendo-ed remarks) to hire the teachers instead? and their tickets could be paid with the fund used on the celebrity emcees who knew zilch about our school culture
2) Replace the stupid beauty pageant that just emphasizes bodily insecurities and builds people's egos and materialistic personalities with class performances/more video montages.
3) Don't even hold the prom at such an expensive and tiny ballroom. We could have it in school - unique and absolutely apt since it was on that very school compound where precious relationships were forged - and more affordable, and reasonable since most of us do not have an income and thus there would be a higher turn up rate if it were held in school. and we wouldn't be cleared out so quickly before we got the chance to take enough pictures/finish our food. (omg so angry about this i can't even) and in school we can go home at whatever time we like since we own it. we could even have the after party there, such a homely and cosy feeling that would probably be less felt in the corporate world
4) Sing the school song/ recite the school pledge together as a cohort - symbolic and united school spirit
- TBC i feel fucked up now and need to fufill social roles as a sister, friend, niece cousin student resident singapore citizen global citizen and whatever shit this world expects
I know i am being very idealistic and extreme, but this is what i truly feel. If anyone from PJC/principal is reading this i hope you can organise a better prom ( i hate this euphemism why can't they just say graduation) next year. and yup, if you have any thoughts about this, leave me a message through facebook/whatsapp or where ever
and if my vice principal sees this i hope this is not too vulgar and rude and offensive if it is i will express my thoughts in more euphemistic language. sorry for the rude posts last time. and thank you for giving me cold hard advice. i remember what you said about education, 'it is not merely about your academics, i know you are doing ok but this is about your emotional well-being if we cannot teach you the proper values then we have failed as educators'
or something along those lines.
thank you, it is hard but i will try to be a better citizen and i know i am extremely lucky to enjoy such good social welfare and subsidies for my education from tax payers' money
so yup, although i feel ambivalent about graduating like that I am thankful and blessed by the experience and especially my cousin and aunt who have talked to me about proper values, helping me to adapt to a new environment thank you very much.
and now i miss st nicks so so so much, i just want to go home. quoting Michael Buble's song,
' i wanna go home'
Saturday, November 9, 2013
under this facade of holiness
just goes to prove what that many religions are a facrce taking advantage of people's vulnerabilities and manipulating them. downright disgusting. proclaiming they love God outwardly and acting the opposite inside. maybe i'm taking an extreme view but i really really feel that if churches like these continue to proliferate they will take over the world manipulate the impressionable youths and
what's the point of living?
i dont want to live anymore
- From the documentary Marjoe Gortner
don't ever want to step into a church again
* this would be offensive to people and i would be forced to take it down soon by higher authorities
can we really express our views directly or are we really forced to substitute our true opinions with euphemistic language, to mask the ugliness of these crimes against humanity
can i not give a shit and say what i want am i really entitled to my own opinion (everyone is entitled to their own opinions as long as they don't spread it on social media)
okay.
i hate all of you because you have a happy family and a father and mother who cares about you and you feel loved but i don't i feel so estranged from my mother and father but so what
your parents take note of your friends and know your friends but my parents do not all i must do to secure any modicum of my relationship with them is to get good results and not disappoint their investments in me
i use this as justification for the screwed up person i've become.
for the insensitive and extreme things i do
it's suffocating and i just want to run away.
the key to a happy family life is not to have a family at all; or one that does not live together.
this is not my own biased selfish view. it's quoted from Julian Barnes
your parents take note of your friends and know your friends but my parents do not all i must do to secure any modicum of my relationship with them is to get good results and not disappoint their investments in me
i use this as justification for the screwed up person i've become.
for the insensitive and extreme things i do
it's suffocating and i just want to run away.
the key to a happy family life is not to have a family at all; or one that does not live together.
this is not my own biased selfish view. it's quoted from Julian Barnes
Emotional + incoherent
So the Alevels are here. i dont know why is everyone suddenly so crazy, rushing for consultations and everything. asking for notes, asking how to do this how to do that.
it's scary. it's irritating.like for example:
'what you go through with Mr/Miss_ at consultation just now?'
'can i go consult with you?'
and then they dont invite you for their consults. they ask you for notes and they don't share theirs. you don't want to ask for notes because it would seem like you're asking for something in return for your help (everyone wants to present a saint-like image of themselves)
being the petty narrow minded selfish bitch that i am i feel irritated and imposed upon. it's really a selfish act. why is the education system teaching us to be selfish (or to put it in euphemisms "exam-smart") it's always about survival of the fittest bla bla bla. who studies the smartest (but they already have social capital built up since the day they were born) privileged from a very young age
who am i to compete with them, see why do i bother trying? nothing i do will ever be of consequence so i'd rather not do anything.
why bother?
and another thing, i really really hate it when they judge me based on my secondary school like hey you're from SN means you're very smart then when i get shitty results they feel all the more better. coz it just proves they're above SN level. which is very high above???
they ask me for notes coz they think i study very well. can i refuse?
i really want to but i am a hypocrite and believe doing good will bring returns. (which never ever happens)
doing badly in school doesnt mean you have to leech off other people (those who are doing better) that's my opinion isn't it better to depend on yourself, on sheer hard work.
so what's truly the main point of education?
to teach you to be exam smart or to teach you the right morals.
and another thing that peeves me - the shit about prom it's all about vain self-display, who is the prettiest and most handsome etc etc. but do you know that our character exists as a direct consequence of our looks? i once did an essay on beauty and brains. and a book i borrowed. it said something like looks determine the way people dole out social esteem, invest in leadership and build personal relationships.
so is it any surprise that the good looking people get the top positions be it in the workplace or educational institutes?
No.
is it any surprise that the ugly get much lesser, get less noticed and usually needs to clean up the shit of others and get taken advantage of? or some as a defense mechanism (which is perfectly justified) say NO to all these manipulative shit and get flamed for it? coz they are ugly. and yes it does have some truth in it as i read from the book - ugly people are ugly because God made them so because of their past sin.
BUT ITS PAST SIN. and God forgives all sins, yes?
apparently not.
i dont even know why i am going to prom. and my classmate even asked me ' Claudia, are you sad that you didnt get selected to be Prom Queen'
getting selected for vain self-display, to prance around skimpily dressed, to have people judge me from head to toe and stalk my social media? (or have people crush on me by virtue of my looks)
no thanks.
i dont go to prom to get noticed by guys, to grind against each other, or because i can post glamorous pcitures of a social even on facebook and therefore make people envious of me. (obviously i sound bitter here because i am ugly right yep think that way that's correct)
this prom queen shit never happened in sec 4 prom. why must it happen now? what's the good of it? it's just going to feed peoples inflated egos, feed their narcissism etc, so they can look beautiful on instagram (because of the dollop of cosmetics they put on) and get 100++ likes
thanks for educating me this way. thank you very much i thank you from the bottom of my hear mind body and soul
it's scary. it's irritating.like for example:
'what you go through with Mr/Miss_ at consultation just now?'
'can i go consult with you?'
and then they dont invite you for their consults. they ask you for notes and they don't share theirs. you don't want to ask for notes because it would seem like you're asking for something in return for your help (everyone wants to present a saint-like image of themselves)
being the petty narrow minded selfish bitch that i am i feel irritated and imposed upon. it's really a selfish act. why is the education system teaching us to be selfish (or to put it in euphemisms "exam-smart") it's always about survival of the fittest bla bla bla. who studies the smartest (but they already have social capital built up since the day they were born) privileged from a very young age
who am i to compete with them, see why do i bother trying? nothing i do will ever be of consequence so i'd rather not do anything.
why bother?
and another thing, i really really hate it when they judge me based on my secondary school like hey you're from SN means you're very smart then when i get shitty results they feel all the more better. coz it just proves they're above SN level. which is very high above???
they ask me for notes coz they think i study very well. can i refuse?
i really want to but i am a hypocrite and believe doing good will bring returns. (which never ever happens)
doing badly in school doesnt mean you have to leech off other people (those who are doing better) that's my opinion isn't it better to depend on yourself, on sheer hard work.
so what's truly the main point of education?
to teach you to be exam smart or to teach you the right morals.
and another thing that peeves me - the shit about prom it's all about vain self-display, who is the prettiest and most handsome etc etc. but do you know that our character exists as a direct consequence of our looks? i once did an essay on beauty and brains. and a book i borrowed. it said something like looks determine the way people dole out social esteem, invest in leadership and build personal relationships.
so is it any surprise that the good looking people get the top positions be it in the workplace or educational institutes?
No.
is it any surprise that the ugly get much lesser, get less noticed and usually needs to clean up the shit of others and get taken advantage of? or some as a defense mechanism (which is perfectly justified) say NO to all these manipulative shit and get flamed for it? coz they are ugly. and yes it does have some truth in it as i read from the book - ugly people are ugly because God made them so because of their past sin.
BUT ITS PAST SIN. and God forgives all sins, yes?
apparently not.
i dont even know why i am going to prom. and my classmate even asked me ' Claudia, are you sad that you didnt get selected to be Prom Queen'
getting selected for vain self-display, to prance around skimpily dressed, to have people judge me from head to toe and stalk my social media? (or have people crush on me by virtue of my looks)
no thanks.
i dont go to prom to get noticed by guys, to grind against each other, or because i can post glamorous pcitures of a social even on facebook and therefore make people envious of me. (obviously i sound bitter here because i am ugly right yep think that way that's correct)
this prom queen shit never happened in sec 4 prom. why must it happen now? what's the good of it? it's just going to feed peoples inflated egos, feed their narcissism etc, so they can look beautiful on instagram (because of the dollop of cosmetics they put on) and get 100++ likes
thanks for educating me this way. thank you very much i thank you from the bottom of my hear mind body and soul
Thursday, October 3, 2013
what are you unhappy about?
i really think it's so tiring to go to school and face everyone. i have to be happy because my classmates are so nice to me and asking about my diarrhea. i didn't know how to reply to the concern shown. but you know i never wanted you to do that for me.
but i want you to do this for me, ok? or rather it's not for me but i think it's under your call of duty. what gives me the moral right to speak this way? what the heck.
preparing a new face for every face i meet. everyday. being someone of many faces. but this does not mean i'm a hypocrite. i am young and do not know who i want to be, who i am yet, so i'm experimenting with faces.
what is the point of all this? i ruminate. i cannot be unhappy, i must be contented, because i have it better off then others. 比上不足 比下有余 there's no end to this comparison.
i keep complaining. when will this stop? reflected on my reasons for complaining, for finding fault with my teachers' teaching, (seems like I'm the only one who is so vexed and complains about this?) to put it in general terms, i feel that societal wants justified my wants. what the society thinks shapes my mind. what the fuck then I'm just a puppet of the society, without a fucking mind of my own.
i really cannot accept teachers who are very relaxed, i like stressed teachers. who always constantly remind me I'm going to die and the world will chew me up and spit me out if i do not get A's. and then actually put in effort to teach and motivate their students. like 'you're improving' (no this is not some building self-esteem extreme praise shit) but just to inculcate passion for learning... i love that. how come i don't feel it now? I used to feel it all the time in St Nicks with Miss Yee Lin Lao Shi and Miss Jacq Lee Miss Candy Lee and Mdm Lee but the feeling is all gone now. i no longer feel the pride and energy and 热血. i'm just flopping everywhere and doing things on auto-pilot. why make learning so difficult? sometimes i even think sucking-up to teachers become necessary, a pre-requisite for doing well. what warped logic. do i need to be well-liked to do well in exams? (to a certain extent, yes.) i need to be pretty to be pleasing to people's eyes so they will like to talk to me. there is really more emphasis on looks, physical beauty every since i came into jc.
'she very pretty right'
'he's damn hot'
'see his body'
'her legs waaaaaa'
i can go on and on. this is what i hear. and stalking pretty girls'/guys' instagrams have become pasttimes. where have the days where pure friendships built on mutual respect and trust and sisterly love gone to. i desire the warmth and love of SN. i miss it so much, all i can think about is what could have been, if only i could turn back time i'd treasure all my teachers and classmates, participate actively in class activities.
will it be the same for pj. will i desire its touch and hoard its foolscap papers and wear its shirts (almost) everywhere i go.
i have repeatedly complained to many people about the way things are and they have told me to depend on myself and not expect much of other people. but this very same person was the one who depended on me for favours, and i was really tempted to return her words. 'hey don't expect too much of me yo' but i try my best to fufill the favours anyway.
i cannot accept it when teachers are biased. how other teachers are so caring etc towards their students and mine isn't. then i start thinking is there a problem with me that the teacher doesn't want to teach me. (in other words, assuming) am i not hardworking enough.
fuck it. i should stop caring about the teacher not caring.
like the competition. teachers train only the best, the one with the most potential, and heck the one that's pointless to train anyway. because that's pragmatic. even if you try so hard on your own. even if you're serious about the competition and really want to win. even if all these things.
like IS. can't say anything on a public platform because that will only result in more unhappiness and misunderstanding. so just swallow it up yes. because it won't change anything.
i will adopt a 3rd person narrative.
she was just a girl, who kept complaining about him, her teacher. she did not like the way he taught. how he devoted long hours to other students and not to her. she felt neglected, she felt insignificant, she felt worthless, she hated studying.
then they had to do a project for their national examination. her teacher once again was relaxed but she constantly freaked out. she was afraid she couldn't do well. she did not want to look back at her life and regret what could have been if she had tried harder. but what was stopping her? she did not want to come off as bossy, rude, unreasonable, pestering her teacher to give her more consultations. she tried her best to complete the project. she had very few consultations but others had a lot. they were more hardworking than her. they pestered the teacher. they asked and asked. others had other teachers who spoonfed. in the end, it was uncertain if she did the project correctly as there was no time for another consultation. how late it was, how late. she could have fucked up badly. but she could only blame herself. she was lazy and not kiasu enough like the other students. she did not prioritise. she could not do with brief explanations. she needed long naggings and repetition. she was not suited for the education system. she was left behind. she failed. her friends told her she had no business taking up so much of the teacher's time, he had a family too.
this was her problem. it was always her problem, always had been. she had no right to be unhappy, no right to complain. she did not understand social norms. she deserved her fate.
OK. dramatic monologue here. in a 3rd person account. anyway if i am ever a teacher i will love every single student (unless they are really incorrigible but still as a teacher i will try my best) and teach those who are willing to learn at the expanse of my personal life and my free time. unless i am very tired and need to eat/sleep/shit absolutely necessary if not i will teach and nurture my students. i will teach them proper values. i will not slack and have a heck care attitude and leave them hanging and regretting. i will not show favouritism. no matter what. even though this is a gray area thing. i will really really help those who are very disadvantaged. (like don't have a happy family, v poor or something) like put in extra effort to help them. because it sucks to be rejected by your teachers. it sucks to have your hard work and efforts not reciprocated (or even appreciated/recognised) by your teacher. it fucking sucks.
but i want you to do this for me, ok? or rather it's not for me but i think it's under your call of duty. what gives me the moral right to speak this way? what the heck.
preparing a new face for every face i meet. everyday. being someone of many faces. but this does not mean i'm a hypocrite. i am young and do not know who i want to be, who i am yet, so i'm experimenting with faces.
what is the point of all this? i ruminate. i cannot be unhappy, i must be contented, because i have it better off then others. 比上不足 比下有余 there's no end to this comparison.
i keep complaining. when will this stop? reflected on my reasons for complaining, for finding fault with my teachers' teaching, (seems like I'm the only one who is so vexed and complains about this?) to put it in general terms, i feel that societal wants justified my wants. what the society thinks shapes my mind. what the fuck then I'm just a puppet of the society, without a fucking mind of my own.
i really cannot accept teachers who are very relaxed, i like stressed teachers. who always constantly remind me I'm going to die and the world will chew me up and spit me out if i do not get A's. and then actually put in effort to teach and motivate their students. like 'you're improving' (no this is not some building self-esteem extreme praise shit) but just to inculcate passion for learning... i love that. how come i don't feel it now? I used to feel it all the time in St Nicks with Miss Yee Lin Lao Shi and Miss Jacq Lee Miss Candy Lee and Mdm Lee but the feeling is all gone now. i no longer feel the pride and energy and 热血. i'm just flopping everywhere and doing things on auto-pilot. why make learning so difficult? sometimes i even think sucking-up to teachers become necessary, a pre-requisite for doing well. what warped logic. do i need to be well-liked to do well in exams? (to a certain extent, yes.) i need to be pretty to be pleasing to people's eyes so they will like to talk to me. there is really more emphasis on looks, physical beauty every since i came into jc.
'she very pretty right'
'he's damn hot'
'see his body'
'her legs waaaaaa'
i can go on and on. this is what i hear. and stalking pretty girls'/guys' instagrams have become pasttimes. where have the days where pure friendships built on mutual respect and trust and sisterly love gone to. i desire the warmth and love of SN. i miss it so much, all i can think about is what could have been, if only i could turn back time i'd treasure all my teachers and classmates, participate actively in class activities.
will it be the same for pj. will i desire its touch and hoard its foolscap papers and wear its shirts (almost) everywhere i go.
i have repeatedly complained to many people about the way things are and they have told me to depend on myself and not expect much of other people. but this very same person was the one who depended on me for favours, and i was really tempted to return her words. 'hey don't expect too much of me yo' but i try my best to fufill the favours anyway.
i cannot accept it when teachers are biased. how other teachers are so caring etc towards their students and mine isn't. then i start thinking is there a problem with me that the teacher doesn't want to teach me. (in other words, assuming) am i not hardworking enough.
fuck it. i should stop caring about the teacher not caring.
like the competition. teachers train only the best, the one with the most potential, and heck the one that's pointless to train anyway. because that's pragmatic. even if you try so hard on your own. even if you're serious about the competition and really want to win. even if all these things.
like IS. can't say anything on a public platform because that will only result in more unhappiness and misunderstanding. so just swallow it up yes. because it won't change anything.
i will adopt a 3rd person narrative.
she was just a girl, who kept complaining about him, her teacher. she did not like the way he taught. how he devoted long hours to other students and not to her. she felt neglected, she felt insignificant, she felt worthless, she hated studying.
then they had to do a project for their national examination. her teacher once again was relaxed but she constantly freaked out. she was afraid she couldn't do well. she did not want to look back at her life and regret what could have been if she had tried harder. but what was stopping her? she did not want to come off as bossy, rude, unreasonable, pestering her teacher to give her more consultations. she tried her best to complete the project. she had very few consultations but others had a lot. they were more hardworking than her. they pestered the teacher. they asked and asked. others had other teachers who spoonfed. in the end, it was uncertain if she did the project correctly as there was no time for another consultation. how late it was, how late. she could have fucked up badly. but she could only blame herself. she was lazy and not kiasu enough like the other students. she did not prioritise. she could not do with brief explanations. she needed long naggings and repetition. she was not suited for the education system. she was left behind. she failed. her friends told her she had no business taking up so much of the teacher's time, he had a family too.
this was her problem. it was always her problem, always had been. she had no right to be unhappy, no right to complain. she did not understand social norms. she deserved her fate.
OK. dramatic monologue here. in a 3rd person account. anyway if i am ever a teacher i will love every single student (unless they are really incorrigible but still as a teacher i will try my best) and teach those who are willing to learn at the expanse of my personal life and my free time. unless i am very tired and need to eat/sleep/shit absolutely necessary if not i will teach and nurture my students. i will teach them proper values. i will not slack and have a heck care attitude and leave them hanging and regretting. i will not show favouritism. no matter what. even though this is a gray area thing. i will really really help those who are very disadvantaged. (like don't have a happy family, v poor or something) like put in extra effort to help them. because it sucks to be rejected by your teachers. it sucks to have your hard work and efforts not reciprocated (or even appreciated/recognised) by your teacher. it fucking sucks.
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