Emotional + incoherent

So the Alevels are here. i dont know why is everyone suddenly so crazy, rushing for consultations and everything. asking for notes, asking how to do this how to do that.
it's scary. it's irritating.like for example:
'what you go through with Mr/Miss_ at consultation just now?'
'can i go consult with you?'
and then they dont invite you for their consults. they ask you for notes and they don't share theirs. you don't want to ask for notes because it would seem like you're asking for something in return for your help (everyone wants to present a saint-like image of themselves)
being the petty narrow minded selfish bitch that i am i feel irritated and imposed upon. it's really a selfish act. why is the education system teaching us to be selfish (or to put it in euphemisms "exam-smart") it's always about survival of the fittest bla bla bla. who studies the smartest (but they already have social capital built up since the day they were born) privileged from a very young age
who am i to compete with them, see why do i bother trying? nothing i do will ever be of consequence so i'd rather not do anything.
why bother?
and another thing, i really really hate it when they judge me based on my secondary school like hey you're from SN means you're very smart then when i get shitty results they feel all the more better. coz it just proves they're above SN level. which is very high above???
they ask me for notes coz they think i study very well. can i refuse?
i really want to but i am a hypocrite and believe doing good will bring returns. (which never ever happens)
doing badly in school doesnt mean you have to leech off other people (those who are doing better) that's my opinion isn't it better to depend on yourself, on sheer hard work.
so what's truly the main point of education?
to teach you to be exam smart or to teach you the right morals.
and another thing that peeves me - the shit about prom it's all about vain self-display, who is the prettiest and most handsome etc etc. but do you know that our character exists as a direct consequence of our looks? i once did an essay on beauty and brains. and a book i borrowed. it said something like looks determine the way people dole out social esteem, invest in leadership and build personal relationships.
so is it any surprise that the good looking people get the top positions be it in the workplace or educational institutes?
No.
is it any surprise that the ugly get much lesser, get less noticed and usually needs to clean up the shit of others and get taken advantage of? or some as a defense mechanism (which is perfectly justified) say NO to all these manipulative shit and get flamed for it? coz they are ugly. and yes it does have some truth in it as i read from the book - ugly people are ugly because God made them so because of their past sin.
BUT ITS PAST SIN. and God forgives all sins, yes?
apparently not.
i dont even know why i am going to prom. and my classmate even asked me ' Claudia, are you sad that you didnt get selected to be Prom Queen'
getting selected for vain self-display, to prance around skimpily dressed, to have people judge me from head to toe and stalk my social media? (or have people crush on me by virtue of my looks)
no thanks.
i dont go to prom to get noticed by guys, to grind against each other, or because i can post glamorous pcitures of a social even on facebook and therefore make people envious of me. (obviously i sound bitter here because i am ugly right yep think that way that's correct)
this prom queen shit never happened in sec 4 prom. why must it happen now? what's the good of it? it's just going to feed peoples inflated egos, feed their narcissism etc, so they can look beautiful on instagram (because of the dollop of cosmetics they put on) and get 100++ likes
thanks for educating me this way. thank you very much i thank you from the bottom of my hear mind body and soul