"you're going to face lots of emotional and psychological challenges, how do you deal with stress?" i ball it all up inside, and remember that nothing really matters because one day, i'm just going to be dead. 

i am stupid

it's so hard to communicate with people and I don't want to try anymore
everyone is just gonna think they are right and portray themselves as a saint so what the fucks the point of explaining yourself anymore
I'm supposed to be more positive and stuff but all this shit is happening and what do you expect me to do?!!!! (me standing on moral high ground now because i'm portraying myself to be the victimized one here see get my point?)
I realize how true it is that the key to a happy family life is not to have a family at all, or at least one that does not live together.
I no longer feel at home anymore, ok, I am a fucking loser that's getting naughtier and rebellious and don't deserve such a nice family. I should die
if only we didn't live together we would not have to go through all this shit.
why should families live together? fuck this
I don't even know how to talk to you anymore ok I want to live in my own world because there is peace in this way. why are people forcing me to be happy can't they see its so hard and I am trying but it just doesn't work and you continue to do shit that I cannot understand (so maybe the problem is just me you can just leave me to rot it's okay I won't bother you anymore)
just put the blame on me. because I shouldn't even be saying all this shit because I've committed so many unforgivable mistakes but if it's the adults who commit mistakes somehow it's okay? because they have money and bring the bread and butter home while I don't. this is the logic that family is based upon this is how family works and nothing I do/say will ever change it. unless I can bring in more money than them

it gets harder and harder each day

the more I am on social media, the more depressed I feel. People posting happy pictures on instagram and uni orientation pictures on facebook. i really don't like this happiness. then i read a TIME article i could relate to. it said something along the lines of, 'would you do that if you could not tell anyone about it?' --like a litmus paper test. like would i attend this social gathering if i nobody posted/talked about this on social media. something like that to ask yourself first before you proceed w the activity.

emotionally unavailable
i try to maintain a cordial relationship with people but it is so hard and i don't want to do it anymore. (sorry I'm so socially unadaptable) its so difficult to hold a conversation i can't help feeling if they're judging me from every dimension and i always say weird inappropriate things. don't know how people can speak so naturally. how?
and there's an ex-classmate i no longer talk to and i don't understand, i can't understand why. if i didn't do anything to spoil the relationship, why did that relationship end? Why? why do we just stop talking to each other. if its again the cliché reason of 'things just happen, things change, people change' bla bla then i guess it's better to not invest so much in relationships, not reveal too much of yourself to people because all these will be used against you one day. people gossip. ever since i entered this school i don't know why but everyone is so image-conscious. seeing pretty pictures on instagram and liking them.
pictures with '84' likes etc, but that picture was cleary photoshopped/edited/meant to show off someone's happiness. (see i cannot take that because i am grumpy and hate the world, sorry if my vp is reading this) like i know i still am angry at life and shit and trapped in negativity but everyone just seems so distant
it's so hard to understand people anymore, and i can't do it
and then i read another blog (of a person i know, but don't talk to anymore, because i just suck at maintaining relationships) and he was blogging about how at uni camps, games are like BGR-oriented, need to play games that involve lots of unnecessary physical contact and people still play them coz they don't want to be socially outcasted/judged.
so is this what it means to be socially adaptable then? to blend in with the norm and try so very hard to be like the rest and do what they do even if i don't agree with it.
do we still stand by our principles? it's so hard.
can we bond without all that frill and fluff
can we be closer
can i be closer to my classmates
can i maintain that comfortable relationships with my primary school friends
can i mend broken relationships
can i get people to like me?

i met my vice principal. talked to her twice. i think she's a nice and encouraging person. but the circumstances we interacted in wasn't that nice. she must have a bad impression of me. but the words she said were meaningful. she told me i have to grow up and stop being so negative else i will suffer for the rest of my life and lose all my friends 
ok, i will try. among all these shit i will find my way

Everything you say.

So recently I've been thinking how mundane and pointless life really is.
and how there's so much to do yet so little time, so why not don't do anything? since all your efforts would be futile anyway.
I keep thinking of words and living in the past. when I went back to St nicks for the fiesta the feeling was just amazing and I want to stay in that moment forever and always. talking to my st nicks friends and the memories just start gushing in (because like when you meet up with old friends you talk about old things and past events something like that) and I remember everything my sn teachers said. they are so motherly and caring and I feel so safe with them. like the world isn't as scary anymore. everything they say has that impact on me and I miss them so much I can't move on because I want to remain in my secondary school days forever. and people who focus on the past are never happy.
I feel the familiar scent of my math teacher as I just lie on the hall floor and breathe in the memories and essence of sn. how I wish I never had to grow up and deal with life.
it's so fucking tiring and today I slept like 5 times. (on the floor, on the bed, on the table, on the sofa, on the chair everywhere) because I don't want to wake up and face this compulsory education.
and another thing
Piano Exam
I hate how something so enjoyable and something so personal has to be made into a standardized test. ---referring to piano exam/or any musical instrument exam. like it's the way I interpret the music, why must it be subjected to the biased judgement of one examiner. one person. and the exam is so fucking expensive. learning how to play the piano has made me feel fucking pathetic. like I've wasted my life away. damn it, I want to have a slow pace of life. (e.g study for A'levels in 4 years) but everything is so rushed I cannot understand anything fully enough. it's so stupid. and the way my piano teacher teaches me is so fucked up I cannot explain it in words. everytime I play the piano in front of her I feel so stressed and screw up everything. piano lessons are hell on earth. almost everytime after her lesson I must sit downstairs and cry/weep/think/be fucking miserable before I take the public transport coz I cant be looking like shit and attracting weird stares from people. i feel so agitated everytime i go there i want to stab her with my pen and crush the piano coz it's causing me so much pain. damn it music is supposed to liberate the soul, to be enjoyed. not this. and she always fucking compares me with RJ people and how good they are and how mediocre i am. and i talk back in my head. ('hello, FYI got rj people become taxi drivers also, not all of them are billionaires and geniuses k, they are human beings too, their shit isn't anymore fragrant than mine) like they fart and shit and eat and pee and do things like poor/uneducated people do so what makes them more superior.
ok anyway i really hate her and you know what she has taught me for 13 years. 13 fucking long years oh my god and she thinks she knows me really well and i know nothing about her lol. all i know is she really wants to be in the upper class. she is fucking elitist. she is westernized. she loves money. she is narrow minded, coz she uses the same teaching method on every student, so they all turn out to be clones of each other. ha ha ha. no individuality in the music they produce
that's all
and a teacher is supposed to be encouraging and motivational, stimulate learning, etc. (if there's no learning, there's no education) she does not make me learn, just imposes her fucking values (are they even values?) on me. i feel so suffocated and tense and nervous thanks. from learning the piano for 13 years and i understand no shit. AT ALL.
for example in the piano exam, there is an aural component where candidates are supposed to sing and name chords and describe musical features and she ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO TEACH ME COZ SHE SAYS I CANNOT SING HENCE IT IS POINTLESS TO TEACH ME like i don't have perfect pitch and hence cannot identify chords so i will definitely fail and there's no point teaching me but anyway i used one lesson and forced her to teach me and she was a bitch throughout the entire lesson and i cried 2 hours after that and thought of ending my life etc.
and she hasn't taught me on of the exam pieces too. (like really she didn't teach me. just skimmed through it like 4 times)
i don't know why i'm still continuing with this shit, should i give up. its fucking demoralizing. i don't even feel like a human being anymore coz i cannot express all these feelings, not even through music.
i look up to Johann Sebastian bach and Beethoven and Mozart and enjoy their music but she condemns me for asking questions.
i know my mother wants me to learn piano so she can have a trophy daughter to show off to relatives, friends etc. and i learn it partly to show off too. that's why i'm taking exams and torturing myself with the fucky teacher and pessimistic thoughts. the root of my misery. if it were not because of societal judgement i wouldn't be taking the exams one after another. (like every year must take once)
i will only take it if i'm prepared. not this mad rushed screwed up shit.
i hate taking standardized exams. i hate education, i hate society.

hello friends

so today was a day i interacted with my long time friends, Fear, Rejection and Disappointment. they are my three best friends.
and then i have this friend who says she always reads the shit i blog, and says that it helps her pass her GP. hahaha thank you for appreciating my shit. like how can anyone understand whatever shit this means let alone help academically. like its so weird.
in order to make the blog useful for people who read (or read it to pass GP haha) i think i should start blogging thematically. each day's events should be classified under themes of my life. although the themes would revolve around fear rejection and disappointment anyway. so there's only 3 themes.
ok so here goes.
today i thought of climbing the school gate to get into the school but decided against it coz of the potential danger and i am a coward so i just let myself be late this is the 2nd time by the way and the first thing the teacher notices is my skirt length she says it's too short and i just gave this stoic expression and she was like
'your skirt is too short' *frowns*
'do something about it now' (what, add material below?)
'you roll right? i know you roll! pull it down!' (what the fuck)
'left few more months only, do you want to buy a new skirt? if not pull it down!'
i really wanted to say i got a growth spurt only this morning therefore i became like 8 cm taller hence the skirt looks 'short' according to her standards.
and i dont get it, are we all supposed to have long flowy skirts in order to look prim and proper and neat and ready for school, like a good student.
are we supposed to look like we have zero fashion sense. like simply coz its a uniform it has to look oversized on us
and then i told my other friend about this skirt thing and she said she wore a shorter skirt than mine before but was not caught. coz better looking people get away with things more easily and people with fucked up faces like me have to get scolded and condemned
on another note i guess i have stable results then classmates think i am smart and shit and ask my for help but i am actually a poser and this is just beginner's luck
now there is more pressure and expectation to do well
it's really stupid and tiring and i just want to curl up and die
and then i repaired a laptop at the ASUS service centre and microsoft office is wiped out so the laptop is pointless now and i feel really empty
and anyway i am v angry about the uniform thing but there is nothing i can do anyway (ironically the school told us to give them constructive feedback about the system) but they are gonna argue against whatever feedback we have anyway, they are still gonna do what they want so really what's the point of all this? they are still gonna think that long flowy skirts are what defines a good student. and they still judge by looks.
so i've learnt to keep quiet.
and become emotionally unavailable.

Life is really just suffering until you die

hello. recently i have been having this epiphany. like since fear, rejection and disappointment are things I am familiar with, things that come easy, they should be my best friends. Like the things i deal with every second, everyday, i should start liking these feelings. learn to deal with them, probably they already define who I am. so i would be immune to negative feelings and humiliation already since i already know them so fucking well.
and then I try not to talk so much to the people in school. You know why? Because I can't communicate anymore, I dont have a life, as you can tell by the incessant blogging and rants. let me list down the many advantages of not having many friends.
1. you dont have to feel rejected when they don't reply your whatsapp or text
2. you don't have to feel rejected when they dont wish you happy birthday
3. you don't have to feel bad when you don't help them (Coz you don't know their life)
4. you don't have to think of new things to say to them everyday ( it's really taxing on the brain ), or fear gossip because there's really no basis of gossip coz you're like practically invisible, due to your lack of input
5. Thus after points 1-4 are in effect, you have more time to study and spend lots of quality time with yourself. (such as ranting about your pathetic life on social media, creating a 'big fat loner' label for yourself, etc)
6. then you get lots of time to think about your autobiography and people study and analyse you like a specimen in the asylum and you get famous by your bibliotherapy coz when people read about your pathetic life and suddenly what they're going through isn't so bad after all?

okay ha ha ha, what did you just read? a load of crap, really coz no one wants to exist this way right? people like to be wanted by other people and get invited to social gatherings and shit and be told how good they are etc. but that's never going to happen right? so just deal with all this shit until you die, is that really how it was going to be? and then it seems i'm living this superficial life of superficiality being cynical and sneering and skeptical about everything and everyone.
it's really pathetic, maybe i've really became a misanthrope.

i'm sick of smiling at all these people, but i still smiled for them anyway, because what could a person like me do but smile for them?
and i just want some people to disappear from my life altogether, because i just don't know how to look at them anymore. i just want to avoid them forever and ever because that's how far the emotional distance is. they ignore me, but i'm here thinking and wallowing in self-pity at this rejection though i probably should have gotten used to it a long long time ago. (since i'm fucked the minute i was born)

and then about how I always try to find people to sit with, to talk with, to eat with and carry out mundane daily activities with. Is it for a personal gain or is it a mutual beneficiaries kinda thing? Just coz i dont wanna look like a big fat loner weirdo going everywhere alone and invite gossip i parasite myself to people. but wait. now i've became a big fat loner weirdo who sits with people and tries too hard to look accepted. ha ha ha