I AM NOT RETAINING. thank you to all the people in the world who has helped me to not retain. thankyou thankyou thankyou. (:
i will not be likethis anymore.
anyway. i feel stoned. stony. like i am in bubbleland. where everything does not make sense. like i dont know what is 1 plus 1 anymore. but it is okay. my brain is on mc. so i cannot operate. i cannot function. i can only stone.
oh i read this thing.

" God is nowhere God is now here. "
lately i have been thinking of many many weird things and talking to myself in excess. like i read these weird quotes like. nothing is forever. everything is temporary or something like that. then i say. so 1 plus 1 isnt going to be 2 anymore? am i not going to be female when i grow up? is black going to be called white? and stuff like that. then the weird question like what is love? and a hk drama said it love is caused by a chemical. if the chemical is in excess each person will feel sweaty and pulse will race. it is like there is a scientific explanation for everything. and i fail science so i can never understand anything. well so. what else am i going to fail next year? this is shit. should i go inject a smart chemical thingy into my brain? i need to shut up and stop talking to myself. sometimes i pretend to be talking to the phone when i am talking to myself so i wont seem like a complete mad freak. in school uniform. in ij uniform. so anyway i am currently thinking of another weird question. like you need to step out of your comfort zone to do great things. why? how can i do great htings when i am uncomfortable? iu would be very very sad and pissed even as i am doing the great thing. is that a good thing? is that a great thing? and if everybody is uncomforetable and doing things differently then how? as a book said, imagine a world populated by beack seat drivers, a planet where everybody knew the answer to everything and were everybody was out to use their new genius to grab more for themselves. Everybody would find secret shortcuts ti get home from the office, thus clogging all the streets. At the grocers, newly minted food experts would select only the finest and freshest fruits and cuts of meat, placing undue strain on the food industry. Eveybody would invest cleverly in the stock market, but because everybody would make millions, all the world's currencies would collapse, and banking would come to an end.
the end.
but i dont know what i just typed, but as a lit teacher once said, youre throwing in quotes just to make yourself look good. yes good. do i look good? thats all that matters. because people notice me when i look good. and that is good.
my geog teacher wrote on my exam paper, please work on your handwriting. very uncomfortable. so can i tell her, 'you need to step out of your comfort zone'? can i?
and i do not have to because messy handwriting is not my comfort zone. i do not feel comfortable writing messily. therefore i am in an uncomfortable zone. have i done a great thing?
i dont understand. i dont understand why i dont understand. i dont understand why you understand. do you understand why i dont understand? do you understand? is there a scientific explanation?

The debris and ruins of the descendants of my heart are taken on an endless traumatizing roller coaster ride

I feel as if I have won a lottery of a million dollars then allowing me to bask in that life-changing happiness for a few days. Then after that. You tell me I am in debt of a million dollars. How does it feel. You take it all away at once. I was dying of happiness and now I am alive with sorrow. I wrote a four page long letter with no paragraphing for someone who is never going to read it. It is written in disgusting english. Words of a lost language. I dont think its comprehendable If the person ever reads it he/she will see me for the mad obsessed perverted twisted freak I am. I dont understand the human heart. Only pain makes it grow stronger. Only sorrow makes it kind. Contentment makes It wither and joy seems to build walls around it. The heart is perverse and it is cruel. I hate the heart and it seems to hate me. When will it stop beating for me? There was this one short moment when I felt appreciated/loved. Then the next moment or like forever for the rest of my life. Its over. And I am completely alone. But still. The promises made were true at the point in time doesnt mean its true now. I get this really intense alone feeling. Why. It is an unsolved mystery. I have no more thoughts. I am mad. I have lost my mind. I am completely different. And I am sorry you know? I am very sorry. Please dont hate me. I am in a state of stonation. Irrational. Abnormal. Mutant. Deviant. Tribulated. This is free writing. Cant stop talking. I look at life differently. I do not look at it from a human being's point of view. Can I change? And if I do change will I be accepted? Will you accept me? Do you believe me? Will you understand me?

When does the pain go away? Like what. Youre supposed to instantly turn off all your emotions just because someones says its over? I am this totally depressed person, with a heart so broken it hurts every time I breathe. My heart. My heart will always be broken. Why? Because I cant. I just cant.

you're really good at pretending I dont exist

Hahr harh. Lol theres this super funny thing in some tuition advertisment. Its called the royal flush. Its like a resolution or something.
Haha read it and be motivated! My Resolve
Procrastination is a sin led by sloth. If only I had started studying earlier, perhaps I could have gotten more than just a B. I will start studying and stop procrastinating by _(dd/mm).
Shall I fail to do as the above mentioned, may I be cursed by one or more of the following options.
a) Gain 10kg and wallow in my fats.
b) Gain an additional 50 unglam pics on facebook.
c) Be blessed with plentiful smiles from members of the same gender.
d) Be caught digging my more and smelling my armpits and posted on youtube.
e) Smile to girl/guy of my dreams, without realizing there's kangkong between my teeth.
f) Others : please specify
g) All of the above.
Please circle your choice(s)
Agreed by (name) (NRIC) (Signature)
I sincerely hope and look forward to my friend (above) receiving the above fate(s) if he/she procrastinates on his/her studies.
Witness: (name) (NRIC) (Signature)
Haha lol. This is veh funny. And I am like going to fail eoys and get retained. What a terrible fate awaits me! Then I will lose everything I ever wanted. What shit lah, all the papers are like the hardest in st nicks history lor. I will be the best failure manzx. I will see my handphone number when I stand on the weighing scale haha.

Today is like the worst day of my life lah it is one tragedy after another kay like so there was the stupid train which make me die of fright almost which then made me so freaked that I cannot do the chinese paper properly yeah so I failed lah then I went to like the library to mug the chem which still never make sense to me then I go to the hougang station to buy bubble tea. Yes then I got scolded by the bubble tea maker lah. Stupid lah she is giving a terrible end to my tragic day kay. So I buy the bubble tea right. Then she make. And she ask. Ni de cha yao fang zhen zhu mah. Ok so I said yes. Then like 3 seconds later I ask, ru guo fang pearl yao jia qian mah. Then fuck she said yao jia san mao. Ni yao fang ma. So I said ke shi ni fang le. Then she said ni zai jiang shen me zhe ge shi ying jing you de ni yao jia ma. Then I said bu yao bu yao. Walao eh then she scold me eh ni bu yao lang fei wo de shi jian hor. Then everybody was like staring at me like I am being a difficult customer or what leh. Fuck this manzx is this my fault anot. Is the bubble maker dont know how talk properly right. Where got my fault. Really leh. Its not like I dont want pay or never pay rights. Stupid bubble makers