the sense of an ending

this is actually a book title. A book written by Julian Barnes and i am trying to write like him because that book is too damn god, a masterpiece. and is aptly describes my life right now.

so the friendship has ended. or should i say friendships? that's 4 friendships in total.
been thinking and reflecting a lot, and i need to get it all out. crazy rambling and full of shit and whatnot i just want to write it all out even though i don't make sense and nothing's going to change anyway. not like we're suddenly going to become best friends again. and not like i want to either. i guess this is closure and i have to move on. stop bugging them since they dont give a shit anymore. why do i keep asking' why you ignore me?' why do i keep asking 'do you hate me?' i am an insecure, screwed-up mess.
i am fully aware of that. But then, why do you ignore me? i know there is now this gulf between us and we just can't seem to communicate anymore. I try to make small talk like 'eh,, how's life' or a light pat on the shoulder and such physical gestures, but these efforts at salvaging the relationship are just so pathetic, silly and insignificant now.

it's just so stupid. and i am so childish, wanting you so much.
wanting your affirmation.
how do you maintain a relationship, anyway? i feel like i'm on a fucking roller coaster ride every single day. one minute we are so happy and close going everywhere together laughing together at our inside jokes and the next we cease all communications

so what now?
i should apply this is it?
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

why are you so cruel to bring me to heaven and then back to hell again all at once? it's not even a gradual descend to hell but an immediate switch from heaven to hell
i'd rather not have gone to that heaven then.
i just want to be left alone. constant. a state of homeostasis. neutral. then i wont be experiencing such extreme emotions now.
on one hand i feel i did so much in this friendship, always helping you to the fullest extent i can going all out, doing anything you asked. partly it is because i want you to like me. and also because i really like you and just want your company.
i am such a pushover right? I just want to be accepted.
trying to hard i guess. coming on too fast, too strong. doing so much for your birthdays (yes both of you) dammit.
why the fuck did i bother? was i expecting anything in return?
what the fuck was i expecting? an everlasting friendship?
fuck this when will i ever learn

people are not obliged to repay whatever nice things (as you perceive yourself to be doing) you do for them. it's all your personal choice.
1) your self deluded fantasy that you are so nice to them and they are complete assholes for not appreciating those kind acts but then again it was your self-delusions. you thought you were being super nice and kind to them. BUT YOU ARE NOT in their paradigm
2) it's just their character. their personality.
3) and to conclude. what you have always told me when i complained about you to you ('why you never eat with me' 'why you only talk to them and not me' why you dont want talk to me' 'why you dont want go home with me'
'Things cant always go your way'
i do admit that i am fucking irritating when i talk like that and spam you with countless 'why' questions but i really dont understand why did we become from super close to super distant now did our initial foundation of the friendship not count for anything? YES the fucking answer is a resolute deafening YES
the closeness and familiarity that we once had and is now gone the loss and not knowing why it is lost is what hurts the most now

would you hear me out before labelling me as the bad person
no, no no more talking about this
it's closure now.
just have myself to blame for getting too emotionally attached and boring them down with my stupid problems

confessions

so NUS has an NUS confessions page on facebook and now pjc has one too. i think its a good thing that pjc made a page like that so that people can have a platform to voice their opinions and the school can improve based on these opinions. but do you think the school will do anything about it? the principal will warn us during her speeches that we must be careful of what we post online, on the mass media because legal action will be take against us, look at what happened to people who posted defamatory stuff online etc. then people will be scared and not post the truth about what they feel on the pjc confessions page, and doesnt that defeat the purpose of the confessions page in the first place.

sad stuff. what do you think

OK. so i deleted this blog for a few weeks and idk why but there's an 'undelete' button so my 5 years worth of blog posts are not gone. thank you God. thank you divine being. no. thank YOU blogger. i will be a loyal customer to blogger. (pls don't take the previous statement seriously and sue me if i don't)

its enough of using online mass media to destroy someone's reputation and ultimately, their life. like all those defamatory posts about ministers, schools, corporations etc. oh well. just have to bear in mind that 'the corporation is bigger than you (the blogger) '

i had to delete my blog because of the obscenities and vulgarities i posted about my school which my vice principal found out. i think she read my blog and i think many other pjc-related people did too. 

( students, teachers, principals, staff members etc ) i admit that my blog uses very harsh language and has no filter. i just type whatever shit i want to say and that's wrong because i am defaming someone/a corporation, a group of people

the vp warned me about disciplinary action that could be taken against me and i know that i am basically screwed if she uses this blog against me i would not get a good job (define good here) would be looked down upon by members of Singapore's education system et cetera. 

i hope by posting this post i am not offending any pjc people. i hope that my conduct grade (my character, my person, my entire being hinges on this) will not go down. i hope i still can prove my worth the normal proper way (academics, participation in school etc). i have taken down the previous posts - almost all the posts in the year 2012 because most of them were about unhappiness about pjc. i blogged about how much i hated every thing about this school, the debates society, the teachers, the principal, the people, the school rules. i guess i really hated it last year. i remember crying one day after the stupid debates exco interview and feeling so fucking pathetic and humiliated and no one was there to listen, how my civics tutor scolded me for only donating $2 for the walk-a-thon (donation drive) and compared me to people under the FAS who donated $25 dollars. why is my ability to donate based on my eligibility for the FAS. so now i have applied for the FAS, does this mean i am exempted from donating to charity? i do not understand this logic. although the reason i did not donate much was because i did not like this school back then. i remember how the discipline guy (i think that's who he is)  marked about 60++ of us late for school one day when we reached the gate at 7:42am and the reporting time was and still is 7:45 am 'in the parade ground for Flag Raising'. i believe thanks to the rigorous physical education lessons we have for 1 hour twice a week we would make it to the parade ground on time. how the admin lady in the general office scolds the students for the stupidest things and holds up their time when they are rushing off to attend to urgent matters and needs her to approve their sign out forms quickly but she refuses to. how the debates teachers rarely turned up for our cca meetings and competitions, how we never get chances to participate much in cca. how the teachers who are described as 'caring' 'dedicated' and 'committed' didnt bother giving us consultations, and when i asked him questions, said ' can i mutilate myself with this pen' and asked other students to help him instead. 

now i try my best to understand the subject with minimal help from him since i make him want to kill himself. 

i dont know what will become of me in my remaining time here. i hope i stop screwing up and watch what i do and say from now on because i know i am being monitored and i will seriously die if i say shit again

i know i should stop being petty about small stuff and try to be happy in school. but i cannot pretend things don't happen when they so obviously did. how can i be oblivious to all these things. i dont like teachers to waste time during lessons but i sleep during their lessons so i cannot complain. so i'll just accept things the way they are. if i have stomachache suay suay just before school and i am late coz i need to shit i'll just not go to school and take mc for that day because being late can seriously affect your testimonial and your conduct grade and most likely a local university education. and i doubt the discipline guy would accept reasons like these.

sometimes i feel so stupid and unaccepted and different from all the people here. i do not know how to engage in their conversations and i do not know of the current events that take place in the school. 

i don't feel close to people and i dont know what to do with my life here and the principal keeps going on about the testimonial and its not that i dont want to do anything but its because no one want to let me do anything except when its stuff you dont get credit for then they won't want to do and i'll do it because that was what happened during cca fair this year, a group of us were to decorate the debates board and many just didnt turn up'/forget to bring the necessary things for the board and the board looked so empty though i tried my best to decorate it i printed the stuff and carried the stuff to and from school because people didnt bother staying back to help the least people could do is to do their part and make the board look like what it's supposed to be 

am i supposed to ignore this? i am supposed to be un-angry and unaffected by irresponsible people right, because i am not perfect myself. so does a judge have to right to persecute a molester for example, if he himself has molested someone before ( and gotten away with it which is why he could become a judge now and has changed his ways for the better) yes something like that

I hate myself and want to die

happy birthday yoon jung

today we go to bunoa vista to buy decorative shit then to yew tee point to make yoon jung's bday card/book. then we called her but no answer so we wait one hour or more then still no answer so kimberly go home and me and meixin wait. then raining then we go her condo and talk to the security guard but we dk her unit number so we cant do anything and the security guard said 'unless you know her car number?' lol. so we went back yew tee point and decided to eat at the kopitiam and finally yoon jung calls back and we reunite and she opens the heavy-duty card ( quotes meixin ) and she is touched and happy and we are happy that she is happy.
then we go causeway point and tried to watch a movie but failed coz i said no. coz i got no money. coz i love to spend money. when i sad/angry which is practically everyday i will spend loads of money. so no money. ok. then we sit around and decided to take photos to commemorate this special day, 31.12.12 but they 2 shy to take pics in public where everyone can see but i got no sense of self-conciousness ( according to them ) so i dont care where i am and just take pics. ok so we went to the service lifts area and use my phone self - timer and took photos.
but there was no kimberly coz she went to countdown wif her fam
ok so i narrated the whole story. coz is a new year and i maybe should try to make proper blog entries instead of shit like last time
so i post here to reflect or pen down some memories. but i will be too disgusted wif myself to read the rubbish i type in this blog since 2008. maybe next time i ask people read for me la hor
. happy birthday yoon. we love you. then kimberly go spam the card with lots of stickers.

yay. so a great person was born on this day. yay yay yay.

 God must be merely taking a divine sabbatical at the moment. that would explain a lot. 
i should not feel helpless and sad. i should be filled with hope and eagerness at the coming arrival of my saviour.
OK. then i read this book - The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes here's a damn good quote from the book 
' the key to a happy family life was for there not to be a family - or at least, not one living together' 
i feel that i am without a family. i do not feel close to them at all. like now i do not live with my immediate family - father mother sister but i feel ok. i feel neutral. sometimes i even feel this euphoria. like i am all alone and can think weird thoughts to myself and feel good about my disgusting self.
and my father is losing his memory he still recognises me and my sister but he thinks she is 17 years old
and then he cries in this high pitched voice but i am unfeeling towards it 
i have visited him less than 10 times ever since he was admitted in may
but i dont feel unfilial anymore. i dont give a fuck anymore
i want to disconnect myself from this family
i cannot feel the love between us maybe because there wasn't any to begin with. there were too little memories too little time spent together to allow for love to blossom
so now i am used to being alone so i dont bother making anymore friends or even to an extent reply people's messages
oh yea. and i stalked many people on facebook. on instagram too. and seeing their happy pictures i am filled with jealousy and hatred
i dont know why- ' sweet sixteen', 'outing with my babies', 'CNY gathering', and blah blah sickeningly sweet stuff
these cannot be all the events that have taken place in their lives. what about deaths and diseases and funerals
like when my father and grandmother die ( they should be dying soon, their existences are burdensome and sometimes bring about stupid conflicts and make many people feel bad and fight and stupid shit. yes when they die i will make a facebook album titled ' i put the 'fun' in funeral' then there will be happy pictures of people gossiping and talking at the funerals then now as technology infiltrates into our daily lives ( and deaths ) i will make a nice powerpoint about their lives too. then we willl play the imperial death march and they will die glamourously 
and since so many people use facebook i will create an event and invite many people to come though i doubt they will but nonetheless there will be free food and it is still a social gathering and people love parties and funerals are sort of like a party with the free food and activities so it should be okay
i hope people will attend the funeral
i hope the father and the grandmother would hurry up and die      
   

i can't engage

so i am depressed about my existence.

but i want to make a difference to my society, like what Mr Tong Yee talked about.

i have found what I have a passion for.

Unecessary food wastage in hotels, selfishness of hotel workers to their counterparts ( i know this sounds lame ) - as in the cold emotional and physical distancing la, and unfair treatment of hotel managers to waitresses/waiters at hotels. ( i know this sounds super lame but how put it in fancier, poetic-ish english? i can't

losing the ability to speak by and by as i cannot seem to engage or formulate a conversation with anybody, not just a new group of people. or after i begin a conversation, i kill it almost immediately.
so today i eavesdropped a lot of conversations. like i heard this one guy telling his friend he wanna take 4H2s but his olevels maybe die already. 15 points. wth why is he whining about such a good score.
i wanted to ask him, 'why you want take 4h2s?' ( and then laugh a little friendly laugh or make a friendly sound ) but the words get stuck in my throat. i also wanna ask him what school he wanna go. and he was talking about a level subjects and stuff and i wanted to share my knowledge on a levels but then i did not want to come off too kpo or what lor. so i also never say anything.
so yea. everyone like come together and have fun and joke while i lone around like a lone ranger.
so sad me. how do i survive in the world with the inability to communicate or form relationships.
i die right,

yeah its mostly my fault.
hate myself and hate this blog. its a waste of space and not helping anyone.
hello? hello? has anyone received help from this blog.