Going to try to put this into coherent paragraphs to try and make some sense of the situation, it is by far the worst thing that's ever happened. don't know where to start, how to explain or what to say it is too much too much.
i realise how hard it is to understand people and say the right things, is it just better not to say anything anymore and just keep everything inside because nothing is going to change no matter what, so why bother?
Today i had piano lesson in the morning, yup everything began as normal, social niceties were exchanged. i usually don't talk a lot to my teacher because i feel awkward telling her about my life and she will judge, i think so usually i keep quiet about my daily things (for e.g where i went today, what are my plans for holidays etc) yup then i went to the room and she told me to practise first coz the lesson haven't started. then she came in and gave me my piano certificate and examiner's comments. so i read the comments and she told me to ask her anything i don't understand. so i asked,
"how come i passed my aural, i thought i will fail?" (I said)
"the examiner want to pass you, what can i do?" (she said)
coz i always fail that, and she told me i will fail my exam at the rate i was going. i passed coz of a miracle. and before i came for the lesson i was thinking of ways to talk to her, ask her to improve how she teach me, coz i really didnt understand much before going for the exam. then i asked if she could teach me the aural again, she said " already over why you want to learn again, if i tell my other students they will laugh" then i said coz i wanted to understand the music, and have passion for learning music. and she said "OK FINE next lesson we go back to grade 1. you have two choices, move on with diploma and theory or waste your mother's money on learning things that's not necessary"
"But my sister failed her exam, so if i know i can help her?"
"The syllabus change every year, are you going to keep up with the syllabus? Are you going to become a teacher next month? next year?" ( yeah need coz i v poor)
" No, but i just want to understand it, like alphabets, they don't change every year right?" *tries to make an analogy*
"I find it very hard to talk to you, i don't want to argue with you anymore. do your theory"
"sorry i want to talk about this, can listen to me for a while?"
"OK WHAT"
" can change your teaching methods? coz my sister failed, is it coz you didnt put emphasis on the aural part?"
"ok, since you think i'm not suited to teach you and your sister, change teacher ok?" *getting very very agitated now, voice become shriekier and louder*
"ok..."
then she stormed out and slammed the door and i stoned there. ok i kind of anticipated this? then i was very weireed out and din know what to do for like 7 minutes. then i just sat at the piano and anyhow play. like i was thinking, don't waste time right?
then she stormed back in, and said "YOU WANT PLAY PIANO GO HOME AND PLAY" something like that by this time she was teary eyed
then i said no no no, sorry.
"You don't know how much effort i put in to help you and you come and criticize me like that"
"You are the only student who dare to criticize my teaching methods"
"Still can tell me to each his own (i don't understand her use of the quote here) how you know i didn't teach every student according to their ability, do you sit with me monday to friday and watch me teach? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE"
"How much i do you ask your mum, i help you plan out properly. but you dont appreciate it"
"You tell me your father hospitalized, i persuade your mum to visit him so you can concentrate on your A'level. I tell her let you stay at your aunt's house"
"I keep telling and persuading her teach you since young, i told your mother i see you girl grow up i know her character, i tell her let you continue learning piano, i know your fees are a burden to her, if i never persuade her and tell her and talk to her she would have stopped your lessons and abandoned you long ago"
throughout the ranting she was sobbing and crying etc then i was damn shocked and freaked out so i cried to and kept saying sorry teacher sorry sorry sorry one part she went into her bedroom to cry and i stood outside and kept saying sorry teacher sorry i never purposely want to criticize sorry sorry i just want to understand only sorry sorry
i just kept saying sorry can you don't be angry i didn't know it's all my fault i will listen to you i won't say all this anymore sorry sorry and i was like sobbing very hard to show my remorse and my harsh words
then we just cried at each other very hard. "This is the last lesson. I already deleted your number. i won't text you to come for lesson anymore" (appealing to my emotional side.)
then she stopped crying 15 minutes before my lesson ended coz the next student was coming.
"do your theory. i try to help you as much for the last lesson"
then i kept saying sorry. like chanting. then i did the theory and it was so awkward because she was teaching me emotionlessly (I prefer that actually) explaining a lot, i felt, more than she explained to me in the previous years. (as in the theory) but i wasnt listening at all because i was so sorry and felt like shit and just wanted to go home and call someone. she made me do the theory in front of her.
"if you don't understand, ask. How i know you don't understand if you don't ask? If students don't ask i just assume they know" (the most sensible, proper thing she said ever) like she never encourages me to ask questions coz i always ask why why why is the music played like that? how to listen to the metronome? (apparently I'm not supposed to ask that I'm supposed to know that since grade 1 but since grade 1 she has never taught me how to listen to the metronome. so i dont know how to use it. she says i have no sense of rhythm) whenever i ask her how to listen to the metronome she gets very angry and just tells me to "START NOW" (to play the piece instead of asking stupid questions) then i'll be like "why you don't want to teach me?" and i will start crying when i play
and feel like shit coz she will keep saying at this rate i will fail coz i go off tempo.
then it becomes a routine for me to sit at the benches downstairs her flat to cry and emo and clear up my emotions before i can take the bus home. every single time as i sit downstairs i remember all her de-motivational words and refusal to teach me aural or how to listen to the metronome. it's really stupid and i don't want to be like that ok? she will tell me "I'm tired of your tears you are just wasting your mum's money" you never know how much i care about wasting money. everytime i freak out about passing my piano exams because i don't want to waste money i already failed twice and i like piano too much to fail. why doesn't she understand?
she always thinks her way of teaching is correct (which is why i passed this time) but actually i had to read a 58 page FAQ on the exam website and mug like siao a few days before with my JW's help before i could understand shit. WAO
somehow this is all my fault. i never wanted her intervention in my affairs? it's really nice she cares and i appreciate it and all but i dont want it. i really dont. btw i even almost kneeled down when she sat on the chair and i cried coz i was standing awkwardly and didn't know what to do
she kept saying she's disappointed in me etc. i really don't know what to say what to do.
told my mother she said i bullied her she's trying to earn a living how could i be so brutally honest.
told my aunt she said it's a matter of perspective some people cannot take it (like she agrees my teacher doesn't know how to teach), asks about her passing rates, how many of her students passed.
coz my sister already failed the beginner grades twice, maybe because of unsuitable teaching methods. so i said those things.
the crying was really scary i can never face properly anymore it won't be the same. how to continue learning? why is it so difficult to talk to someone. was i being aggressive and rude that i made a middle-aged woman cry. she taught me since 1998 and our relationship was not strong enough to withstand misunderstandings and conflicts, and we say such shit to each other. how come we can't communicate despite knowing each other for 15 years.
Because we don't even know each other. All we share is an economic relationship. A patron - client relationship. No feelings should be involved.
can we do that? can? ok she hates me now and i hate myself too coz she hates me and i made her cry
is she crying coz she feels insulted or does she feel hurt by someone she "cares about so much"
does she care that much for me idk but i don't want it, i don't want care, i don't want friends, i don't want a family, I don't want love
why do you keep giving me all these and then take it away and replace it only with pain
"Because there is no love, so there is no pain."
No comments:
Post a Comment