God must be merely taking a divine sabbatical at the moment. that would explain a lot.
i should not feel helpless and sad. i should be filled with hope and eagerness at the coming arrival of my saviour.
OK. then i read this book - The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes here's a damn good quote from the book
' the key to a happy family life was for there not to be a family - or at least, not one living together'
i feel that i am without a family. i do not feel close to them at all. like now i do not live with my immediate family - father mother sister but i feel ok. i feel neutral. sometimes i even feel this euphoria. like i am all alone and can think weird thoughts to myself and feel good about my disgusting self.
and my father is losing his memory he still recognises me and my sister but he thinks she is 17 years old
and then he cries in this high pitched voice but i am unfeeling towards it
i have visited him less than 10 times ever since he was admitted in may
but i dont feel unfilial anymore. i dont give a fuck anymore
i want to disconnect myself from this family
i cannot feel the love between us maybe because there wasn't any to begin with. there were too little memories too little time spent together to allow for love to blossom
so now i am used to being alone so i dont bother making anymore friends or even to an extent reply people's messages
oh yea. and i stalked many people on facebook. on instagram too. and seeing their happy pictures i am filled with jealousy and hatred
i dont know why- ' sweet sixteen', 'outing with my babies', 'CNY gathering', and blah blah sickeningly sweet stuff
these cannot be all the events that have taken place in their lives. what about deaths and diseases and funerals
like when my father and grandmother die ( they should be dying soon, their existences are burdensome and sometimes bring about stupid conflicts and make many people feel bad and fight and stupid shit. yes when they die i will make a facebook album titled ' i put the 'fun' in funeral' then there will be happy pictures of people gossiping and talking at the funerals then now as technology infiltrates into our daily lives ( and deaths ) i will make a nice powerpoint about their lives too. then we willl play the imperial death march and they will die glamourously
and since so many people use facebook i will create an event and invite many people to come though i doubt they will but nonetheless there will be free food and it is still a social gathering and people love parties and funerals are sort of like a party with the free food and activities so it should be okay
i hope people will attend the funeral
i hope the father and the grandmother would hurry up and die
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
i can't engage
so i am depressed about my existence.
but i want to make a difference to my society, like what Mr Tong Yee talked about.
i have found what I have a passion for.
Unecessary food wastage in hotels, selfishness of hotel workers to their counterparts ( i know this sounds lame ) - as in the cold emotional and physical distancing la, and unfair treatment of hotel managers to waitresses/waiters at hotels. ( i know this sounds super lame but how put it in fancier, poetic-ish english? i can't
losing the ability to speak by and by as i cannot seem to engage or formulate a conversation with anybody, not just a new group of people. or after i begin a conversation, i kill it almost immediately.
so today i eavesdropped a lot of conversations. like i heard this one guy telling his friend he wanna take 4H2s but his olevels maybe die already. 15 points. wth why is he whining about such a good score.
i wanted to ask him, 'why you want take 4h2s?' ( and then laugh a little friendly laugh or make a friendly sound ) but the words get stuck in my throat. i also wanna ask him what school he wanna go. and he was talking about a level subjects and stuff and i wanted to share my knowledge on a levels but then i did not want to come off too kpo or what lor. so i also never say anything.
so yea. everyone like come together and have fun and joke while i lone around like a lone ranger.
so sad me. how do i survive in the world with the inability to communicate or form relationships.
i die right,
yeah its mostly my fault.
hate myself and hate this blog. its a waste of space and not helping anyone.
hello? hello? has anyone received help from this blog.
but i want to make a difference to my society, like what Mr Tong Yee talked about.
i have found what I have a passion for.
Unecessary food wastage in hotels, selfishness of hotel workers to their counterparts ( i know this sounds lame ) - as in the cold emotional and physical distancing la, and unfair treatment of hotel managers to waitresses/waiters at hotels. ( i know this sounds super lame but how put it in fancier, poetic-ish english? i can't
losing the ability to speak by and by as i cannot seem to engage or formulate a conversation with anybody, not just a new group of people. or after i begin a conversation, i kill it almost immediately.
so today i eavesdropped a lot of conversations. like i heard this one guy telling his friend he wanna take 4H2s but his olevels maybe die already. 15 points. wth why is he whining about such a good score.
i wanted to ask him, 'why you want take 4h2s?' ( and then laugh a little friendly laugh or make a friendly sound ) but the words get stuck in my throat. i also wanna ask him what school he wanna go. and he was talking about a level subjects and stuff and i wanted to share my knowledge on a levels but then i did not want to come off too kpo or what lor. so i also never say anything.
so yea. everyone like come together and have fun and joke while i lone around like a lone ranger.
so sad me. how do i survive in the world with the inability to communicate or form relationships.
i die right,
yeah its mostly my fault.
hate myself and hate this blog. its a waste of space and not helping anyone.
hello? hello? has anyone received help from this blog.
Monday, August 27, 2012
let me die
i have this shit infection on the same leg just 3 cm away from the old wound what is this nonsense. maybe i have a skin disease. then i will grow to have this huge tumour on the leg then i can work at a circus showing off my abnormalities. going to see the doctor tomorrow. alone. i am all alone in this. what are friends for. dont need any friends.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
what have i done with my life
and now i hate myself because of what i have done. i have this paranoia problem and i am sad and angry and frustrated everyday. i am angry and hateful of everyone i dont know what to do about this problem that is going to affect me for the rest of the years in this world.
i am so angry and sad now i just want to sleep all day and night and for the rest of the time in this bed. maybe when i get older i wont ever come out of the house for fear of meeting people i know. it is traumatic to talk to people about things because i dont know what to say and i have to analyse if they are lying a not and i have to be careful of what i say and do as well it is so difficult and i am incapable of forming good friendships which is why i have caused so many misunderstandings. well so i have been a bitch to a very nice girl because of some stupid petty things and talking about it now would just make me seem all the more hypocritical and i dont know what to do either because the girl is so nice and kind to me but i cannot relate to it and see it as acts of hypocriticism now what have i done i have so many relationship problems i should just go off myself. even if i ask everyone to be straightforward and direct to me they probably wouldnt because thats lame and stupid as well. now things will never be the same here and the remaining time in this school are going to be horrible because of my stupid narrow minded perspectives of people but i cannot seem to change it because i have a problem with people and everything and i feel so sad and angry and stupid but i cannot explain why even though i can explain it it does not make sense and i sound lame and stupid and wu li qu nao.all my close friends are going to leave me and i will die alone. the cliche stuff like ' find friends who love you for who you are, not friends who love you for what you try to be' stuff like that is so not true because how can someone love a hypocritical ungrateful bitch . maybe the person can try to change to someone better and people can love the better person the person has change into and love the hypocritcal ungrateful bitch she once was as well how is that possible i really dont want to have any friends any more because it is so traumatizing and i just want to be left alone and everything like a reject because it is so painful and torturous to think of what people might think of me and what they think of me after they know what i think because that would only cause more problems we should just keep a safe distance from each other this is so sad i will never have close friends ever again
i am so angry and sad now i just want to sleep all day and night and for the rest of the time in this bed. maybe when i get older i wont ever come out of the house for fear of meeting people i know. it is traumatic to talk to people about things because i dont know what to say and i have to analyse if they are lying a not and i have to be careful of what i say and do as well it is so difficult and i am incapable of forming good friendships which is why i have caused so many misunderstandings. well so i have been a bitch to a very nice girl because of some stupid petty things and talking about it now would just make me seem all the more hypocritical and i dont know what to do either because the girl is so nice and kind to me but i cannot relate to it and see it as acts of hypocriticism now what have i done i have so many relationship problems i should just go off myself. even if i ask everyone to be straightforward and direct to me they probably wouldnt because thats lame and stupid as well. now things will never be the same here and the remaining time in this school are going to be horrible because of my stupid narrow minded perspectives of people but i cannot seem to change it because i have a problem with people and everything and i feel so sad and angry and stupid but i cannot explain why even though i can explain it it does not make sense and i sound lame and stupid and wu li qu nao.all my close friends are going to leave me and i will die alone. the cliche stuff like ' find friends who love you for who you are, not friends who love you for what you try to be' stuff like that is so not true because how can someone love a hypocritical ungrateful bitch . maybe the person can try to change to someone better and people can love the better person the person has change into and love the hypocritcal ungrateful bitch she once was as well how is that possible i really dont want to have any friends any more because it is so traumatizing and i just want to be left alone and everything like a reject because it is so painful and torturous to think of what people might think of me and what they think of me after they know what i think because that would only cause more problems we should just keep a safe distance from each other this is so sad i will never have close friends ever again
Monday, August 20, 2012
'She philosophically noted dates as they came past in the revolution of the year;...her own birthday; and every other day individualized by incidents in which she had taken the same share. She suddenly thought one afternoon, when looking in the glass at her fairness, that there was yet another date, of greater importance to her than those, that of her own death, when all those charms would have disappeared; a day which lay sly and unseen among all the other days of the year, giving no sign or sound when she annually passed over it; but not the less surely there. When was it?'
- Thomas Hardy, Tess of the d'Urbevilles
- Thomas Hardy, Tess of the d'Urbevilles
Saturday, July 21, 2012
我不是乞丐
though i will be,soon.
i need to organise my life and break away from this vicious cycle. the only reason why i came back to this fuck hole was for my piano ( which she calls 'hers' as well because she paid for the space and electricity and tuning ) and nothing else. i do not have anymore emotional attachments to the room that she claims she 'paid 500 dollars for so she has all the rights to it - including full control over my things including sleeping there when i am studying including putting her stuff in a mess over the floor. ' what else, i hate her existence in my life i absolutely detest it and i am determined not to feel anymore emotional attachments towards this woman. because i am just going to be pissed and annoyed and self - piteous over the shit she creates. although being sad is easy so i am just going to remain this way so no one can burst my happy bubble because i simply do not have one. i only have a sad stone. a sad rock. i live in a sad hard outer covering so it is hard for people to destroy it. right now what i really want is to laugh in the face of adversity and write painfully funny things about my life so it will be so funny and i can be so happy and people will be happy and laughing as they read this which is probably not going to happy because i only moan and groan and let out mental diarrhea here. and the language people adapt from the english language is so funny , like ' where is you be' 'i haz no friends' ' indild, a secret, come share with us " ( this is a quote from my sec 4 classmate ) and she adds 'l's to the and of words because that's what miss yee used to do. it is so cute and original and st nicks-y and i miss it so much
OK. back to begging. begging Miss Havisha, which will get Pip nowhere, nowhere but more moral degeneration and more life of crime and punishment and disillusionment and no pretty Estella and kind Biddy and fatherly Joe Gargery. which means pip remains single for the rest of his life and probably lives in a pathetic cottage in deserted part of London and is a sore loser, social outcast who eats his meals alone and probably spends his time moaning and groaning about how pathetic he is and not go out to ntuc to buy necessities because he can't be bothered anymore and what's the point anyway? he will never be part of the aristocracy, and he doesnt fit into lower class anymore. he is nowhere. he is a drifter. he is a loner. he stands alone. a single species of his own.
OK. My life, and my reading of Great Expectations, and my studying of it, foreshadows my future as well. my life parallels that of Pip's! where is my Abel Magwitch please come out now
while stalking people's blogs i chanced upon this good book:
Georges Bataille - Story of the Eye
I am going to read it. highly recommended book!
so now i am very angry at the world and i hate everyone.
today i went out with S, XH and E . we had a happy time and was laughing at a saleslady testing out the slimming equipment - which requires her to stand on a vibrating platform thingy and vibrate for a while so we saw her with her arm fastened on her hip while she vibrated for all to see and we laughed and laughed although E didnt talk much which is sad
then we went home and E left without me perhaps i do not fit into his social class. the events in Great Expectations are unfolding one by one in my life how creepy is that
dont want to do anything because i am emo and angry and sad i dont know what to do to repay the people who are nice to me because there are so many people who are bad to me so it kind of balances everything out. this is the natural order of the universe and i should not do anything to disrupt it's course so will continue hating things as they are
i need to organise my life and break away from this vicious cycle. the only reason why i came back to this fuck hole was for my piano ( which she calls 'hers' as well because she paid for the space and electricity and tuning ) and nothing else. i do not have anymore emotional attachments to the room that she claims she 'paid 500 dollars for so she has all the rights to it - including full control over my things including sleeping there when i am studying including putting her stuff in a mess over the floor. ' what else, i hate her existence in my life i absolutely detest it and i am determined not to feel anymore emotional attachments towards this woman. because i am just going to be pissed and annoyed and self - piteous over the shit she creates. although being sad is easy so i am just going to remain this way so no one can burst my happy bubble because i simply do not have one. i only have a sad stone. a sad rock. i live in a sad hard outer covering so it is hard for people to destroy it. right now what i really want is to laugh in the face of adversity and write painfully funny things about my life so it will be so funny and i can be so happy and people will be happy and laughing as they read this which is probably not going to happy because i only moan and groan and let out mental diarrhea here. and the language people adapt from the english language is so funny , like ' where is you be' 'i haz no friends' ' indild, a secret, come share with us " ( this is a quote from my sec 4 classmate ) and she adds 'l's to the and of words because that's what miss yee used to do. it is so cute and original and st nicks-y and i miss it so much
OK. back to begging. begging Miss Havisha, which will get Pip nowhere, nowhere but more moral degeneration and more life of crime and punishment and disillusionment and no pretty Estella and kind Biddy and fatherly Joe Gargery. which means pip remains single for the rest of his life and probably lives in a pathetic cottage in deserted part of London and is a sore loser, social outcast who eats his meals alone and probably spends his time moaning and groaning about how pathetic he is and not go out to ntuc to buy necessities because he can't be bothered anymore and what's the point anyway? he will never be part of the aristocracy, and he doesnt fit into lower class anymore. he is nowhere. he is a drifter. he is a loner. he stands alone. a single species of his own.
OK. My life, and my reading of Great Expectations, and my studying of it, foreshadows my future as well. my life parallels that of Pip's! where is my Abel Magwitch please come out now
while stalking people's blogs i chanced upon this good book:
Georges Bataille - Story of the Eye
I am going to read it. highly recommended book!
so now i am very angry at the world and i hate everyone.
today i went out with S, XH and E . we had a happy time and was laughing at a saleslady testing out the slimming equipment - which requires her to stand on a vibrating platform thingy and vibrate for a while so we saw her with her arm fastened on her hip while she vibrated for all to see and we laughed and laughed although E didnt talk much which is sad
then we went home and E left without me perhaps i do not fit into his social class. the events in Great Expectations are unfolding one by one in my life how creepy is that
dont want to do anything because i am emo and angry and sad i dont know what to do to repay the people who are nice to me because there are so many people who are bad to me so it kind of balances everything out. this is the natural order of the universe and i should not do anything to disrupt it's course so will continue hating things as they are
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